Love, Jealousy, And Dealing With Heartache

[beatitude]

As I've mentioned, I'm a single woman, in formation with a secular institute. For those who don't know, this means leading a life of poverty, chastity, and obedience 'in the world' (not a convent or monastery). It is a beautiful life, but it comes with its own challenges.

I have a close friend whom I have been in love with for quite a long time. I'm pretty sure that the feeling is mutual, although we don't talk about it. While this can cause a few pains from time to time, God has given me the necessary grace to simply be a good friend to him and enjoy his company without getting upset or hurt or wanting anything more. I deal with it very simply and without fuss. Falling in love is a natural part of life, and being a consecrated single woman or a priest or a religious doesn't exempt you from it.

I hadn't realized how much it would sting when he got into relationships with other people. For the first few months I was comfortable with it, and glad that he was happy. I mean, I didn't expect him to be single for the rest of his life just because it might cause the celibate Catholic friend who loves him to get upset if he ever had a girlfriend. I was prepared for it. It rattled me a little when I first heard of it back in February, but I didn't feel much pain or any jealousy.

Until now. It was just some passing remark he made about the relationship in conversation - just a perfectly casual comment about stuff they've been up to lately. It made me aware of what I am going to be missing all my life, and what I want from him specifically and can't get. It has also made me feel jealous of his girlfriend. I hate to admit that. I've never been jealous of anyone's partner before and it makes me feel a bit low.

I would appreciate prayers. If anybody has any advice or experiences they can share, it would be appreciated, especially coming from women who are in religious or consecrated single life and are familiar with living the day-to-day reality. I am going to bring this up with my spiritual director the next time I meet her, and my mentor within the secular institute, but I'm also hoping for a young woman's perspective. My mentor and SD are naturally very wise and experienced, and I'm sure they will have a lot to share, but I would love to talk to someone who is a bit closer to me in age.

[OnlySunshine]

It's funny that you should mention this because I discussed this a little with the psychologist when I went for my evaluation last month. He asked what my relationship with guys was like and I mentioned that I had a few crushes. The last one I had was on a young man from my Young Adult group. He was very friendly and had discerned the religious life himself. I found myself very attracted to him even though I was discerning -- so much so that I gave up discernment for a time thinking I was called to marriage. Last year, however, I spotted him for the first time with a young woman in the Adoration Chapel and I had feelings of jealousy. Even though we had never been in a relationship, it bothered me to see him with someone. I realized that it was my natural feelings coming out. I learned to not be jealous. This last February they were married in the Church after about 6 months of being engaged and they are expecting their firstborn in November. I couldn't be happier for them! But, I now realize that even though you have discerned the consecrated life, it doesn't mean that your attraction to human relationships will fall away. It just means that you have to channel those feelings of attraction into something else and give them up to God.

[emmaberry]

Oh, beatitude, I am so sorry. It takes a really strong and devoted man or woman to live out virginal chastity in the world. I know I could never be strong enough to do this, but I admire you and others who do it everyday.

I don't have any useful advice, but I am praying for you. I will offer up the Sunday Mass I attend for your intentions. What a difficult spot to be in, but what a great cross to carry for Jesus.

I really liked what you said about priests and religious still falling in love. That is a harsh realization, but it is better to expect it than to go in thinking that consecrated people are immune to this natural feeling. I appreciate your post and openness to sharing with us.

[EmilyAnn]

I wish I had something helpful to say but I'm struggling with something similar so all I can offer you are my prayers.

[beatitude]

[quote name='emmaberry' timestamp='1345409480' post='2470241']
I don't have any useful advice, but I am praying for you. I will offer up the Sunday Mass I attend for your intentions. What a difficult spot to be in, but what a great cross to carry for Jesus.[/quote]

That is a beautiful way to look at it. It's 'great' in both senses of the word - heavy, and also a terrific prayer opportunity! Never say that I don't try to get something out of nothing; I will think of some suitably huge intention and offer the suffering for that. (And, dear Lord, to pay You back for how heavy this feels, it really will be a HUGE intention. Get into miracle-working mode. Brace Yourself.)

Thank you for offering your Mass for me.

[quote]I really liked what you said about priests and religious still falling in love. That is a harsh realization, but it is better to expect it than to go in thinking that consecrated people are immune to this natural feeling. I appreciate your post and openness to sharing with us.
[/quote]

Sharing it seemed like the best way to feel better, and it also seemed like the right thing for VS. Sometimes I think we don't talk enough about the hardest aspects of consecrated/religious life, and even when we do talk about them the tendency to be a bit romantic about the difficulties creeps in. It hurts, and we need a place where we can say it.

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1345411074' post='2470252']
I wish I had something helpful to say but I'm struggling with something similar so all I can offer you are my prayers.
[/quote]

Praying achieves a lot. I have come to be very grateful for people's prayers, and aware of them in a way I never was before. Thank you, Emily.

And thank you, MM, for sharing your own experience. I hope more people will feel able to post their own.

[EmilyAnn]

Thinking about this a little more, jealousy is one of the things I've struggled with in this situation. Just to give some background, me and this guy have been friends for about 4 years now. We've always had feelings for each other, although we didn't admit it until recently. He was telling me a while ago about a girl he briefly dated last year. I don't think I've ever been so jealous of someone in my life, and jealousy isn't normally something I struggle with. I told another friend about it and I called this poor girl some pretty mean things. I felt terrible about it afterwards, because this poor girl hasn't done anything wrong. I have no right to be jealous of her - I've never even met her. I'm quite sure you're not as crazy as I evidently am, but I realised then that jealousy isn't a simple emotion. I had to unpick [i]why[/i] I felt that way in order to move past it. Once I was able to break it down and deal with each of those little pieces, it helped a lot.

[HopefulBride]

You have my prayers.

[TheresaThoma]

That has to be hard. I admire that fact that you have identified this as a problem and not just continued to stew in it. I know with any feelings of jealousy and envy that is a major step. I don't really have any advice but you do have my prayers.

[beatitude]

The sting in the jealousy has eased a lot. Thank you for the prayers, pham. Being prayed for like that makes me think of the scripture verses about being borne up on the hands of angels.

I'm still sore, and I think I'll be sore for a while. But it's the soreness of a wound that's being cleaned out with antiseptic rather than the initial jealous bite. There are different kinds of pain.

[carmenchristi]

I honestly think you are blessed to be having this experience, no matter how hard it is. I spent 8 years of my life in a religious congregation where a situation like this would have meant the end of the world had a superior found out. The fact is, as you have said, it just means that you are normal. So for 8 years of my life I learned to block ALL feelings, and grew to despise what was only human nature in me. The fact that you are able to put a name to everything that you are experiencing is something that I am just learning how to do at nearly 30 years old... I would suggest that you continue to feel your pain as deeply as it truly affects you, offer it to the Lord, allow him to lead you and teach you by it and rejoice when his consolation will come.

[beatitude]

Thanks, Carmenchristi. I'm sorry you had such a painful experience. I don't understand how repressing natural feelings can ever be Christian, not when Jesus cried for Lazarus even though he knew about the resurrection to come. We know that consecrated life is a gift, but that knowledge sometimes has to coexist with very normal and human feelings.

I'll pray for you.

[carmenchristi]

[quote name='beatitude' timestamp='1345479439' post='2470628']
Thanks, Carmenchristi. I'm sorry you had such a painful experience. I don't understand how repressing natural feelings can ever be Christian, not when Jesus cried for Lazarus even though he knew about the resurrection to come. We know that consecrated life is a gift, but that knowledge sometimes has to coexist with very normal and human feelings.

I'll pray for you.
[/quote]

Thank you for your prayers... I didn't mean to give a "sob story", but simply to say that even experiences such as these are gifts from God. In His own time the Lord has recompenses all sufferings with consolation... He has for me, and will for you!
My prayers for you as well!

[beatitude]

It didn't come across as a sob story at all, just good matter of fact advice conveyed with a really lovely sense of trust in God. But I'm still sorry for people's pain even when the experience was valuable for growth.

Later I may jot down a few thoughts about what I'm learning from all this, but I think I will wait until I speak to my SD to say anything more. Thank you all once again for the prayer.