Nihil Obstat Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 [quote name='FutureCarmeliteClaire' timestamp='1348972484' post='2488284'] I wish I had been able to get on here on Thursday when I came home to let you all know what's going on. I have an appointment with the doctor who's doing my surgery on October 17th. Surgery will be some time in November. I am so glad that they found the clots in time, because[i] [/i]I would have died. Especially since I already had the pulmonary embolism... So, I think on Monday, I went into peace and submerged in God mode because I automatically protected myself from the complete hysteria. Tuesday and Wednesday were a bit of heck. Tuesday was just awful. I had to give myself my injection for the first time. It was very hard. My aunt and cousin were visiting when that happened. Afterwards, I got up, unhooked myself from the machines, locked myself in the bathroom, and cried. I was fine the rest of the day. I had no idea when I was coming home, that was the worst. Wednesday was hard, but I knew I was coming home that night or the next day. It was the next day, which was fine. I have never been more thankful in my life. Yes, I'm angry that someone's negligence almost killed me. Yes, this is going to forever impact my life, but guess what? This has made me stronger, and able to understand pain better. Physical, emotional, and spiritual. I've figured out who Claire really is, and that I am worth loving not because of my future or what I put up as my identity, but because I'm Claire. I have a choice. I can forgive and live my life as a survivor or hide away and never know. I learned that crying and showing your emotion doesn't make you weak. It's built me up. It's made me a strong tower. Those nights crying made me whole. As I write this, I remember in July, I called the171 at 11:30pm, in complete despair. I remember hearing that voice through the phone whispering, "He's going to use this. I don't know how, but He will make you a strong tower. Things happen in our lives and we don't know why, but God will take this and make it beautiful." He did, He really did. I found out what people cared about me, and who I was. This isn't over. Yeah, I'm going to be angry and frustrated and hurting. Yeah, I am going to carry this with me. But it doesn't have to be the bad stuff. Scars tell stories. Beautiful ones and ugly ones. Mine tell both. Mine tells the story of friendship, love, hope, and complete grace. By the grace of God I am alive. Now, not a day will go by where I will take that for granted. I am alive. There is a reason. [b] [size=4]"Even if the healing doesn't come, and life falls apart, and dreams are still undone, You are God, You are good, forever faithful One, even if the healing doesn't come." ~ Kutless [/size][/b] May God reward you. ~CLAIRE [/quote] I will have it known that I propped this post before it was crazy dope. [img]http://cdn2.elitedaily.com/elite/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/hipster-barista-template.jpg[/img] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spem in alium Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 Claire, you are such an inspiration. I really like the quote you included in your post. My heart and my prayers are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FutureCarmeliteClaire Posted September 30, 2012 Author Share Posted September 30, 2012 [quote name='MissyP89' timestamp='1348973816' post='2488300'] I just want to point out that the above post from Claire got props from Hasan. That says something. [/quote] I noticed that! I was like... O.o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beatitude Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 I'm familiar with a lot of the frustrations and fears you describe in your post, especially as one of my medical problems comes with a significantly increased risk of sudden cardiac death. The thing that helped me to get accustomed to this was something that a woman who is much more severely disabled than I am (and terminally ill) wrote in the FAQ on her blog. "Yes, I'm terminal, but aren't we all?" I appreciate dark humour. It makes me chuckle. It may not be for you, but I find that it helps me to stay ordinary and matter-of-fact. As you adjust to having this diagnosis, you will find yourself contending with various false perceptions of disability and illness, which are very common in our society. The first is the idea that disabled people are somehow to be pitied. The second is the idea that we are brave and so strong and inspirational. If you think about the portrayal of disability in literature, the ill or disabled person is often presented as this very saintly figure. Sometimes disabled people end up trying very hard to live up to that, thinking that this is the only way for us to be, and we end up looking as though we're acting from a script written by Hallmark Cards. I've done it myself. Try to avoid falling into that trap. It will only tire you out and make you feel bad about yourself if you can't play the role perfectly. There will be days when you won't want to 'live life as a survivor', you'll just want to slob around in your pyjamas and grumble that your painkillers make your fruit juice taste funny and there's nothing good on TV. That's OK too. Disability does teach you a lot about yourself, but it doesn't always have to be the epic voyage of self-discovery. It can be a very comfortable and liberating thing to let it be ordinary. This is advice that I wish I had had at your age, so I am passing it on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FutureCarmeliteClaire Posted September 30, 2012 Author Share Posted September 30, 2012 [quote name='beatitude' timestamp='1349045729' post='2488561'] I'm familiar with a lot of the frustrations and fears you describe in your post, especially as one of my medical problems comes with a significantly increased risk of sudden cardiac death. The thing that helped me to get accustomed to this was something that a woman who is much more severely disabled than I am (and terminally ill) wrote in the FAQ on her blog. "Yes, I'm terminal, but aren't we all?" I appreciate dark humour. It makes me chuckle. It may not be for you, but I find that it helps me to stay ordinary and matter-of-fact. As you adjust to having this diagnosis, you will find yourself contending with various false perceptions of disability and illness, which are very common in our society. The first is the idea that disabled people are somehow to be pitied. The second is the idea that we are brave and so strong and inspirational. If you think about the portrayal of disability in literature, the ill or disabled person is often presented as this very saintly figure. Sometimes disabled people end up trying very hard to live up to that, thinking that this is the only way for us to be, and we end up looking as though we're acting from a script written by Hallmark Cards. I've done it myself. Try to avoid falling into that trap. It will only tire you out and make you feel bad about yourself if you can't play the role perfectly. There will be days when you won't want to 'live life as a survivor', you'll just want to slob around in your pyjamas and grumble that your painkillers make your fruit juice taste funny and there's nothing good on TV. That's OK too. Disability does teach you a lot about yourself, but it doesn't always have to be the epic voyage of self-discovery. It can be a very comfortable and liberating thing to let it be ordinary. This is advice that I wish I had had at your age, so I am passing it on. [/quote] Did I ever say you're my favorite? I needed to read this. Yep, have those days when I just complain and sleep. They're necessary. Thanks for the amesome post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FutureCarmeliteClaire Posted October 7, 2012 Author Share Posted October 7, 2012 Wanted to share some thoughts. I remember on 9/24 when I was laying down on the table watching as the ultrasound tech was doing the scan of my arm. It was a dark room, and my mom had left the room to change my little sister's diaper, and the tech pushed on my arm with the receiver thing, and the vein on the screen wouldn't push down, it stayed still. I knew something was wrong. I turned my head and tried to keep calm. After it was over, she says, "Well, go wait outside, and I'm going to call your doctor." Now, we KNOW something is wrong. She comes back with this look of terror, and goes, "I'm so sorry. I've never had to tell someone this young. You have a clot, and you need to go to the ER here. They're coming to get you." I go to the bathroom, cry, and composed myself. I had no cell reception or wifi or anything at that first hospital, so I was just alone. Me, mom, and my sister. Finally was able to text someone and make a call from my mom's phone. That day was my peaceful day. I didn't feel like I started going off the deep end until the next day. Anyway, I think I'm going to post little things like this every few days. They are among the worse of my memories from this. Idk if I'll post the whole traumatizing experience at the first ER, but baby steps. Just an idea to help me get through this. Cause I feel pretty much isolated and alone. I know I'm not, but I'm kind of out of people to talk to about it, because me pouring my emotional baggage out on some people has put friendships in jeopardy because of unhealthy give and take. So, baby steps, Claire! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arfink Posted October 7, 2012 Share Posted October 7, 2012 [quote name='FutureCarmeliteClaire' timestamp='1349637806' post='2490974'] Anyway, I think I'm going to post little things like this every few days. They are among the worse of my memories from this. Idk if I'll post the whole traumatizing experience at the first ER, but baby steps. Just an idea to help me get through this. Cause I feel pretty much isolated and alone. I know I'm not, but I'm kind of out of people to talk to about it, because me pouring my emotional baggage out on some people has put friendships in jeopardy because of unhealthy give and take. So, baby steps, Claire! [/quote] Back the truck up. Even if you somehow manage to drive away everyone on Phatmass (which I highly HIGHLY doubt) the Lord will be ever at your side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FutureCarmeliteClaire Posted October 7, 2012 Author Share Posted October 7, 2012 [quote name='arfink' timestamp='1349641692' post='2490984'] Back the truck up. Even if you somehow manage to drive away everyone on Phatmass (which I highly HIGHLY doubt) the Lord will be ever at your side. [/quote] Okay, I have issues. So what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissyP89 Posted October 7, 2012 Share Posted October 7, 2012 Issues that are normal and healthy for what you're going through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FutureCarmeliteClaire Posted October 7, 2012 Author Share Posted October 7, 2012 [quote name='MissyP89' timestamp='1349641874' post='2490986'] Issues that are normal and healthy for what you're going through. [/quote] I sure hope so... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BG45 Posted October 7, 2012 Share Posted October 7, 2012 I don't think it would drive anyone away, not if they're your friends. You went through a traumatic experience, it's perfectly normal to need to process it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FutureCarmeliteClaire Posted October 29, 2012 Author Share Posted October 29, 2012 My surgery is scheduled for December 11th, 2012. The eve of the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe. I think you all should expect a big topic posted from me in the next few months. Maybe sooner, maybe later, I don't know. There's a lot of stuff I want to come out and address about myself, and soon enough, I'll be ready to do that. Pray for me, y'all. I have been and will continue to offer so much of this for you guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archaeology cat Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 Prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arfink Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 [quote name='FutureCarmeliteClaire' timestamp='1349641755' post='2490985'] Okay, I have issues. So what? [/quote] I hope you didn't take it the wrong way, I meant you should feel free to unload your burden here with us. I will be praying for you of course! God bless you, and I really hope it all goes well for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FutureCarmeliteClaire Posted October 29, 2012 Author Share Posted October 29, 2012 [quote name='arfink' timestamp='1351474543' post='2499397'] I hope you didn't take it the wrong way, I meant you should feel free to unload your burden here with us. I will be praying for you of course! God bless you, and I really hope it all goes well for you. [/quote] No, I didn't. I get it! Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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