Advice/insight?

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

Hey y'all. So... There's this guy. I like (but in an "eh" kind of way, because I honestly don't have the time or energy to focus on a guy right now! Crushes are too time consuming...) Anywho, we're both young highschoolers. He seems to really, really like me. His family is the sweetest. But there's one thing...

He's actively discerning the priesthood, but still seems genuinely interested in me (in a "crush" type of way). He previously wanted to be a permanent Deacon, but was still considering the priesthood. He told me now that he's telling people he thinks he's called to the priesthood, but he's still discerning. He talks about it a lot. There's another thing...

We're both young. We have a lot of time to discern our vocation, I know things could easily change.

You see, I put my discernment of the religious life (actively, anyways) on hold until further notice because of personal issues (including my health, but there's more to it). This year has been incredibly difficult on me emotionally. My great-grandma passed away (the only person I was ever close to who has died), I have an un-identified illness, have had friendship problems, friends have been going through a hard time, about a year ago I lost my best friend because she just stopped talking to me one day and pretended everything was fine after that, and two weeks ago I found out that another friend of mine was killed in a cycling accident. There are some holes in my heart right now that only God can fill, despite me trying to fill them by constantly pity-partying. I'm in the healing process, but my question remains:

Do I really need to become close with a guy discerning the priesthood when we both (I suspect) have feelings for each other, right now? I mean, he's amesome and a good friend and all, but my gut is kind of telling me it's the last thing I need right now. I don't want to end up with another hole in my heart. I already can't get my best friend and my great-grandma back.

So, I'm wondering if any of you see something about this that I can't. And I'm wondering what you guys think about this guy.

I'm not complaining or pity-partying, I am genuinely concerned. And I apologize to a few of you who have heard this rant again and again, and have been helping me through it, I can never repay you.

End rant, begin ideas.

FCC

Edited August 10, 2012 by FutureCarmeliteClaire

[Kylie Spinelli]

Hi, FutureCarmeliteClaire.

After you explained all that you have been going through and I can tell that it hasn't been easy lately, I would advise you to hold off on any sort of dating relationships for a little while. Of course you can - and should! - still be friends with this young man. But even if he wasn't discerning a religious vocation, I still feel that having a relationship to maintain, as well as a lot of pain from prior events, would be too much. Focus on yourself for a while.

That's the best advice I can give.

And don't worry about ranting. Sometimes, it just feels good to get it all out, and I understand.

God bless and I hope everything works out!!

<3 Que Dios te bendiga <3

[Maggyie]

In general it's not a good idea to date or cozy up, so to speak, with a guy who is discerning the priesthood. Really you can't discern both at the same time, I feel. It doesn't tend to end well. Mostly for the girl.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

[quote name='Maggie' timestamp='1344566843' post='2465358']
In general it's not a good idea to date or cozy up, so to speak, with a guy who is discerning the priesthood. Really you can't discern both at the same time, I feel. It doesn't tend to end well. Mostly for the girl.
[/quote]
[quote name='Kylie Spinelli' timestamp='1344566570' post='2465356']
Hi, FutureCarmeliteClaire.

After you explained all that you have been going through and I can tell that it hasn't been easy lately, I would advise you to hold off on any sort of dating relationships for a little while. Of course you can - and should! - still be friends with this young man. But even if he wasn't discerning a religious vocation, I still feel that having a relationship to maintain, as well as a lot of pain from prior events, would be too much. Focus on yourself for a while.

That's the best advice I can give.

And don't worry about ranting. Sometimes, it just feels good to get it all out, and I understand.

God bless and I hope everything works out!!

<3 Que Dios te bendiga <3
[/quote]

I am not ready to date, that's pretty much out of the question at this point. I've made a commitment to God and to myself that I won't get into a relationship till I'm 18 and ready. It's a personal conviction thing.

That's what baffles me, why is he acting this way and continuing to seek out this friendship if he's as seriously discerning as he seems.Which brings me back to, we're young. So I don't get it. Should I continue this friendship or am I just going to end up hurt?

Thanks so much for your input, and I totally agree that at this point in my life, I'm not ready for a relationship.

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='FutureCarmeliteClaire' timestamp='1344569243' post='2465374']
I am not ready to date, that's pretty much out of the question at this point. I've made a commitment to God and to myself that I won't get into a relationship till I'm 18 and ready. It's a personal conviction thing.

That's what baffles me, why is he acting this way and continuing to seek out this friendship if he's as seriously discerning as he seems.Which brings me back to, we're young. So I don't get it. Should I continue this friendship or am I just going to end up hurt?

Thanks so much for your input, and I totally agree that at this point in my life, I'm not ready for a relationship.
[/quote]

He could be confused in his discernment and is still considering all possibilities. If he is showing interest in just being friends, there's nothing wrong with that and it might be great to have a future priest for a friend. Go with what your heart is telling you to do. Chances are, he connects with you because you are both discerning and he needs such a connection right now. Boys and girls can be good friends.

[PhuturePriest]

[quote name='FutureCarmeliteClaire' timestamp='1344569243' post='2465374']
I am not ready to date, that's pretty much out of the question at this point. I've made a commitment to God and to myself that I won't get into a relationship till I'm 18 and ready. It's a personal conviction thing.

That's what baffles me, why is he acting this way and continuing to seek out this friendship if he's as seriously discerning as he seems.Which brings me back to, we're young. So I don't get it. Should I continue this friendship or am I just going to end up hurt?

Thanks so much for your input, and I totally agree that at this point in my life, I'm not ready for a relationship.
[/quote]

First off, it's amesome that there is someone else who has made this commitment! Sorry, I had to get that out of the way.

In response to your post, as you know I am seriously discerning. In fact, I'm almost certain I am called to Religious life. This could change, but for a year and a half and the present, this is the way I feel. However, crushes get in the way at times. The best thing is to remember this: It's just a crush. Nothing more, nothing less. It's not actually a very big deal. I know it seems like it at first since it is new and exciting, but in all reality, usually you lose the "crush" feeling in a week or a month at best, so I resolved to just ignore them and go on since I know they will go away anyway. I think this young man simply likes your friendship. I could be wrong, and I would be very careful as though he is seriously discerning and doesn't appear to want more with the relationship, one mistake is all it takes to mess everything up. I think you are simply afraid of being hurt again, which is completely normal and understandable. But you have to remember not everyone is out to hurt you, and though it seems like it, not every friendship is going to end in pain. If you like being around him, I would say stay friends. After all, what you need right now are some good friends, and there is no better friend than a devout Catholic one.

I hope I helped any.

Edited August 10, 2012 by FuturePriest387

[maximillion]

I agree^^^^^^^^.

It seems you have a bunch of healing/grieving to do, and one of the challenges of loss is to remember not to close ourselves off in order to avoid further loss..............which you can't anyway since it is part of life. Maybe this is about accepting the losing, yet staying open hearted to others (and yourself) rather than about friendship/dating?
Is there a way you can stay open and warm hearted, accepting yet not lose yourself in this friendship. It would seem to me this is the challenge. Not an easy one, BUT if you are grounded in HIM, then He can show you the way.
Learning to manage close relationships is good preparation whatever your path in life, convent or otherwise, and here you have an opportunity.
See it as that rather than seeing anything else into it. Hope that helps. Just my own bumbling thoughts. I am not the greatest at human relationships myself, I share my life with a cat!!!!!

[Antigonos]

IMO, if you are both "young highschoolers" then the burning issue of the moment is completing high school. Really serious discernment is still a way off. You have time for friends, in fact, now is a good time for friends, since you are all going through the same thing: completing high school, doing SATs or whatever the type of matriculation exams are given these days. Since most orders seem to value college education, both of you are probably heading in that direction, no matter what plans you have for later.

Go out. See a movie. Have a milkshake or a sundae. Go to a football game, if you can afford it. If it helps to keep the atmosphere from being too cozy, make it a group date, with several girl friends and he bring a couple of his buddies. That will help to keep the conversation general. In other words, be normal teenagers. Friends are good to have at all times; all too soon life becomes serious enough; enjoy these years.

Remember that his feeling that he may have a vocation may be just as serious, or just as much confusing, as yours currently is.

[Antigonos]

IMO, if you are both "young highschoolers" then the burning issue of the moment is completing high school. Really serious discernment is still a way off. You have time for friends, in fact, now is a good time for friends, since you are all going through the same thing: completing high school, doing SATs or whatever the type of matriculation exams are given these days. Since most orders seem to value college education, both of you are probably heading in that direction, no matter what plans you have for later.

Go out. See a movie. Have a milkshake or a sundae. Go to a football game, if you can afford it. If it helps to keep the atmosphere from being too cozy, make it a group date, with several girl friends and he bring a couple of his buddies. That will help to keep the conversation general. In other words, be normal teenagers. Friends are good to have at all times; all too soon life becomes serious enough; enjoy these years.

Remember that his feeling that he may have a vocation may be just as serious, or just as much confusing, as yours currently is.

[Antigonos]

Sorry for the double posting.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1344571756' post='2465390']
He could be confused in his discernment and is still considering all possibilities. If he is showing interest in just being friends, there's nothing wrong with that and it might be great to have a future priest for a friend. Go with what your heart is telling you to do. Chances are, he connects with you because you are both discerning and he needs such a connection right now. Boys and girls can be good friends.
[/quote]
This is sort of what I had a suspicion about, that he just needs a discernment buddy. But that's where I have a problem. I'm not really "actively" discerning right now, as I stated in the OP, but I don't really want to tell him that because I'm trying to practice SOME level of emotional chastity in friendships. It's not his fault at all, I just don't know. Thanks for the post, it was super helpful.

[quote name='FuturePriest387' timestamp='1344571899' post='2465393']
First off, it's amesome that there is someone else who has made this commitment! Sorry, I had to get that out of the way.

In response to your post, as you know I am seriously discerning. In fact, I'm almost certain I am called to Religious life. This could change, but for a year and a half and the present, this is the way I feel. However, crushes get in the way at times. The best thing is to remember this: It's just a crush. Nothing more, nothing less. It's not actually a very big deal. I know it seems like it at first since it is new and exciting, but in all reality, usually you lose the "crush" feeling in a week or a month at best, so I resolved to just ignore them and go on since I know they will go away anyway. I think this young man simply likes your friendship. I could be wrong, and I would be very careful as though he is seriously discerning and doesn't appear to want more with the relationship, one mistake is all it takes to mess everything up. I think you are simply afraid of being hurt again, which is completely normal and understandable. But you have to remember not everyone is out to hurt you, and though it seems like it, not every friendship is going to end in pain. If you like being around him, I would say stay friends. After all, what you need right now are some good friends, and there is no better friend than a devout Catholic one.

I hope I helped any.
[/quote]
Thank you!

You advice actually did help some. Haha, I can't believe I'm saying that. I know not every friendship is going to end in pain, but some have, and so it's hard to see past that. I know it's just stupid, stupid highschool friendship stuff and everything is going to pass anyway, but it truly is part of my life right now. My best friend, as I mentioned, I lost, and it really, really hurt for a long time, I'm almost past it now, but still. And then, the last friendship I had with a guy, ended up with me hurt. He was kind of a ladies' man, and you didn't know what to believe, how he behaved or what he said he believed. Whenever there were other girls in the room, I was put to the side, ignored. I got sick of that. So... here I am now, with a guy who's completely different, and now what? Should I go into a friendship with him? I mean, I guess it's sort of too late for that anyways. We're already pretty good friends. But it scares me because I don't know I even want ANY new close friendships to maintain right now.

Again, thanks for the insight, it was actually very helpful.

[quote name='maximillion' timestamp='1344582157' post='2465422']
I agree^^^^^^^^.

It seems you have a bunch of healing/grieving to do, and one of the challenges of loss is to remember not to close ourselves off in order to avoid further loss..............which you can't anyway since it is part of life. Maybe this is about accepting the losing, yet staying open hearted to others (and yourself) rather than about friendship/dating?
Is there a way you can stay open and warm hearted, accepting yet not lose yourself in this friendship. It would seem to me this is the challenge. Not an easy one, BUT if you are grounded in HIM, then He can show you the way.
Learning to manage close relationships is good preparation whatever your path in life, convent or otherwise, and here you have an opportunity.
See it as that rather than seeing anything else into it. Hope that helps. Just my own bumbling thoughts. I am not the greatest at human relationships myself, I share my life with a cat!!!!!
[/quote]
Thanks.

[quote name='Antigonos' timestamp='1344594970' post='2465446']

Remember that his feeling that he may have a vocation may be just as serious, or just as much confusing, as yours currently is.
[/quote]
Amen. I had never really thought about that before.

[Fr. Antony Maria OSB]

FCC, after reading through your posts, I think that you should keep being friends with this guy. Now, you don't have to be 'discernment buddies' with him, but from what you have said about him, he seems like a good guy and a good friend, which seems to be what you need right now with everything that you are going through. If it seems like he wants to be discernment buddies, and you're not feeling up to that at the moment, just tell him that. You don't have to go into details about why, but just say that you need some space in that area right now. If he's as good a guy as you make him out to be, he will understand and respectfully keep his distance: he may just need some flashing signs telling him where not to go (we guys aren't as perceptive as you girls are, and that's important to keep in mind for friendships as well as for dating). I hope this makes sense, and I hope that things get better for you soon.

May God bless and protect you always in all of your endeavors!

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

[quote name='NazFarmer' timestamp='1344604243' post='2465458']
FCC, after reading through your posts, I think that you should keep being friends with this guy. Now, you don't have to be 'discernment buddies' with him, but from what you have said about him, he seems like a good guy and a good friend, which seems to be what you need right now with everything that you are going through. If it seems like he wants to be discernment buddies, and you're not feeling up to that at the moment, just tell him that. You don't have to go into details about why, but just say that you need some space in that area right now. If he's as good a guy as you make him out to be, he will understand and respectfully keep his distance: he may just need some flashing signs telling him where not to go (we guys aren't as perceptive as you girls are, and that's important to keep in mind for friendships as well as for dating). I hope this makes sense, and I hope that things get better for you soon.

May God bless and protect you always in all of your endeavors!
[/quote]
Thank you very, very, very much. This was amesome.

[PhuturePriest]

[quote name='FutureCarmeliteClaire' timestamp='1344603019' post='2465453']
This is sort of what I had a suspicion about, that he just needs a discernment buddy. But that's where I have a problem. I'm not really "actively" discerning right now, as I stated in the OP, but I don't really want to tell him that because I'm trying to practice SOME level of emotional chastity in friendships. It's not his fault at all, I just don't know. Thanks for the post, it was super helpful.


Thank you!

You advice actually did help some. Haha, I can't believe I'm saying that. I know not every friendship is going to end in pain, but some have, and so it's hard to see past that. I know it's just stupid, stupid highschool friendship stuff and everything is going to pass anyway, but it truly is part of my life right now. My best friend, as I mentioned, I lost, and it really, really hurt for a long time, I'm almost past it now, but still. And then, the last friendship I had with a guy, ended up with me hurt. He was kind of a ladies' man, and you didn't know what to believe, how he behaved or what he said he believed. Whenever there were other girls in the room, I was put to the side, ignored. I got sick of that. So... here I am now, with a guy who's completely different, and now what? Should I go into a friendship with him? I mean, I guess it's sort of too late for that anyways. We're already pretty good friends. But it scares me because I don't know I even want ANY new close friendships to maintain right now.

Again, thanks for the insight, it was actually very helpful.
[/quote]

You know, one of these days I may just act offended if one more person is surprised I have helpful advice.

Joking aside, losing the new guy was a good idea, since he wasn't the kind of person you wanted to be around. As for the newest guy in question, this is something you must discern for yourself. I understand the feeling of not wanting to be hurt, and the feeling of not wanting to maintain another relationship. I wish I could tell you the perfect advice, but unfortunately I can't. What if you asked your father and mother, or just one of them? They know you better than any of us do, and I am sure they have sound advice for you. From what you have told me you have two wonderful parents. Hopefully they can help you out with this problem.

[Annie12]

I haven't read all the posts so I'm sorry if this has already been said. But, If you are discerning religious life and he is discerning priesthood and you both become really close and then one of you decides to end the relationship because of spiritual matters, someone could end up with a whopping broken heart. It's probably smart to hold off dating until God sends the right guy into your life or gives you his. God bless! Prayers!