Dropped By A Friend

[Maggyie]

Have you ever had this happen to you.

Remember how I was planning that bridal shower. I was the matron of honor. We had the shower and it was a success. My quiz went okay. We gave away lots of prizes and I had cute centerpieces. It cost a good deal of money but it was worth it. I got a lovely, touching thank you note from the bride, two pages long.

Last weekend the bride and I were supposed to go out of town together to another friend's going-away party. We both RSVP'd yes.The bride doesn't have a working cell phone. I messaged her on facebook that I would pick her up at 1 to start the drive. She doesn't drive and we always go to this particular friend's home together. No response. I went to the house where she is staying... no one was home. The dog was barking and the neighbor lady told me she would keep an eye out for her.

So I made the 3 hour drive by myself. Our mutual friend was very sad the bride didn't come to the party (our friend is moving halfway around the world, and incidentally she also spent a lot of money and energy helping put together the shower).

When I got home, I was very worried about the bride because I still hadn't heard from her! But then I noticed she had been active on facebook and that she was still pinning things to Pinterest. So she is alive.

I was confused. I emailed her. I sent her a private facebook message asking if she was upset about something. I wrote a friendly post on her wall. Nothing.

Meanwhile as the days pass I notice her commenting on other people's messages to her.

It dawns on me: She is ignoring me! And my sister and the rest of our group of girls.

I can't believe it. I have wracked my brains trying to figure out if I/we somehow offended her? What could it be? Am I still supposed to be in the wedding? Is she really going to drop me this way without even an explanation?

I have had this happen once before. One of my bridesmaids told me she about a month before my wedding that she couldn't get off work that Saturday. It sucked but I understood. And then in spite of all our efforts to hang out with her she more or less never spoke with any of us ever again!

I feel so hurt. Has anyone been through this? Did the person ever tell you why they wanted to scuttle the friendship? Or did they come around and it wasn't a true "dropping"? I have been friends with her since 8th grade.

[4588686]

You're obviously an intelligent and good-humored woman. You seem to have plenty of other friends and I'm sure that you''ll never be lacking of people who appreciate and love you. I'd chalk it up to her loss and move on.

I know that doesn't really help emotionally because she hurt you and in these cases we want answers and perhaps even to get things back to where they were because we value what was once there. But the way she is treating you is completely unacceptable. You don't treat a stranger you made extemporaneous lunch plan with this way, and you sure as hell don't treat somebody who you've been friends with since middle school so incredibly inconsiderately.

You're friend's behavior is not just inconsiderate. It's frankly bizarre

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

So, let me tell a quick story, and it probably won't make you feel better, but I do know what you're going through.

About a year ago, a friend of my mom, her son had severe lyme disease that caused him to have meningitis. He was 7, in the hospital for like a month. As far as I was able to tell, my mom seemed to support her friend a lot during this. Our family and theirs was super super close, in fact, they are my youngest sister's Godparents.

Well, about a month after the lady's son got out of the hospital and was on a pyc line and stuff, the mom dropped off the face of the earth. She un-friended all of us on facebook, but we all still had mutual friends with her, she stayed friends with two priests we know. Anywho, she didn't answer phone calls, texts, anything, she stopped calling every day. She stopped coming to Mass, and she kept the son (the one who was in the hospital) and their youngest daughter home from Mass. The father would take the other kids to Mass. It was really, really weird. My mom was incredibly hurt.

Their second oldest daughter was my best best friend at the time. We were always together, always talking, told each other everything, etc. Well, when her mom dropped us all, our entire relationship fizzled. I was so, so hurt. The person I trusted most was gone. It sucked. A lot.

When my medical situation got bad last month, my mom's friend started calling again. Started texting again. Still hasn't friended us on facebook, but she seemed to mysteriously re-appear. My mom finally had gotten over it and now she comes back. My mom decided she wasn't going to get too attached because of how badly her friend hurt her.

My mom suspects there was some kind of psychological trauma that went along with her friend's son being in pain and ill as well as him being hospitalized for so long. So perhaps she cut off ties with anyone who reminded her of that? I still don't know. Perhaps something weird like that is going on with your friend. I don't know.

I can't really encourage you, but I can tell you I know what you're going through. There's not a day that goes by where I don't miss my old best friend like heck, but I had to move on with life. And God gave me some pretty flipping amazing friends after that, so it's not as hard any more. Her birthday just passed and it was a nail in the heart, but I've taken a lot this past year, and only getting stronger.

If you need to talk, I'm here. I'm praying hard for you all.

Blessings,
FCC

Edited: for grammar.

Edited August 9, 2012 by FutureCarmeliteClaire

[MissyP89]

Am currently going through this also. :\ I feel for you. Surround yourself with the people who love you.

[Maggyie]

thank you for the insights/prayers. Sadly I give an incorrect impression of being a social butterfly. As a shy, painfully awkward introvert I can count my friends (not just "facebook friends" I mean) on one hand.

Making friends is very hard for me especially since I am finished with school and it's so hard to connect with other grownups. Now that I don't have "what's your major" as an ice-breaker... or any kids to talk about. Today also would have been my due date so I am sure that is magnifying the crush-factor. I wonder if the psychological factor could play a role. The bride has had a hard life with a lot of challenges, emotional struggles and traumatic events. Is she maybe just embarrassed about missing the going-away party? I would be too but it's not like anyone would hold it against her.

My husband tries to reassure me but I'm just still in disbelief! We've been friends for more than a decade! It can't end this way.. can it. It really is strange and bizarre.

ETA: thank you not that you

Edited August 9, 2012 by Maggie

[Annie12]

Yes. Ive had three friends do this to me. One just randomly started acting all mean to me and the rest of the gals in our group. The other decided she didn't like me. Oh! And the last one got really mad at me and was kind of a bully. I think I cried over it too. I felt sooooooo betrayed because I had known these girls since 7th grade. It hurt!

Just know that time heals all wounds. You're in my prayers!

Edit: I too am painfully shy. I'm really awkward in social situations. I don't really talk. I listen! Losing these friends, however, left me with three left who I know are really my friends and would never try to hurt me. It will take time to sort through all of the thoughts going through your head but whatever you do trust in Jesus to pull you through it!

Edited August 9, 2012 by Annie12

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

[quote name='Maggie' timestamp='1344481475' post='2464832']
thank you for the insights/prayers. [b]Sadly I give an incorrect impression of being a social butterfly. As a shy, painfully awkward introvert I can count my friends (not just "facebook friends" I mean) on one hand.[/b]

Making friends is very hard for me especially since I am finished with school and it's so hard to connect with other grownups. Now that I don't have "what's your major" as an ice-breaker... or any kids to talk about. Today also would have been my due date so I am sure that is magnifying the crush-factor. I wonder if the psychological factor could play a role. The bride has had a hard life with a lot of challenges, emotional struggles and traumatic events. Is she maybe just embarrassed about missing the going-away party? I would be too but it's not like anyone would hold it against her.

My husband tries to reassure me but I'm just still in disbelief! We've been friends for more than a decade! It can't end this way.. can it. It really is strange and bizarre.

ETA: thank you not that you
[/quote]
Same here.

Many prayers.

[Lisa]

Maggie, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, especially during this already tough time. I'm going through that as well at the moment with my college roommate and best friend. I wanted to see her before I left for the convent and have been bending myself over backwards to try to set up a time to make the 4 hour drive over, but she seems to be very "meh" about it.

That obviously doesn't help you, but please know that you aren't alone. Even when we only have few friends, each of us are very blessed to have those.

Just said a prayer for you!

Edited August 9, 2012 by Lisa

[4588686]

[quote name='Maggie' timestamp='1344481475' post='2464832']
thank you for the insights/prayers. Sadly I give an incorrect impression of being a social butterfly. As a shy, painfully awkward introvert I can count my friends (not just "facebook friends" I mean) on one hand.

Making friends is very hard for me especially since I am finished with school and it's so hard to connect with other grownups. Now that I don't have "what's your major" as an ice-breaker... or any kids to talk about. Today also would have been my due date so I am sure that is magnifying the crush-factor. I wonder if the psychological factor could play a role. The bride has had a hard life with a lot of challenges, emotional struggles and traumatic events. Is she maybe just embarrassed about missing the going-away party? I would be too but it's not like anyone would hold it against her.

[/quote]

Hm. Then the problem isn't you. The problem is you inhibition. That's a problem that many people have. You just have to learn to hold your breath and make a jump. You could look into book clubs and similar sorts of things wherever you live. Not trying to derail your thread but it seems like you kind of have an (understandable!) self-defeating attitude. That's good though because it means that the problem is within your own power to change. Maybe your friend does have some stuff going on but you don't deserve to be treated this way and you should keep that in mind.


BACK TO TROLLING!!!

[ardillacid]

[quote name='Hasan' timestamp='1344482785' post='2464849']
Hm. Then the problem isn't you. The problem is you inhibition. That's a problem that many people have. You just have to learn to hold your breath and make a jump. You could look into book clubs and similar sorts of things wherever you live. Not trying to derail your thread but it seems like you kind of have an (understandable!) self-defeating attitude. That's good though because it means that the problem is within your own power to change. Maybe your friend does have some stuff going on but you don't deserve to be treated this way and you should keep that in mind.
[/quote] You're such a sweetheart

[Maggyie]

[quote name='Hasan' timestamp='1344482785' post='2464849']
Hm. Then the problem isn't you. The problem is you inhibition. That's a problem that many people have. You just have to learn to hold your breath and make a jump. You could look into book clubs and similar sorts of things wherever you live. Not trying to derail your thread but it seems like you kind of have an (understandable!) self-defeating attitude. That's good though because it means that the problem is within your own power to change. Maybe your friend does have some stuff going on but you don't deserve to be treated this way and you should keep that in mind.


BACK TO TROLLING!!!
[/quote]

Ha my husband says the same thing! join a book club since I like to read. But I find when you get to the book club, you have to talk! On-demand socializing! What I need to do is find the Good Listeners club, wherever it is, and join that... now those people would appreciate me and my peculiar talents.

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='Maggie' timestamp='1344483177' post='2464853']
Ha my husband says the same thing! join a book club since I like to read. But I find when you get to the book club, you have to talk! On-demand socializing! What I need to do is find the Good Listeners club, wherever it is, and join that... now those people would appreciate me and my peculiar talents.
[/quote]

It really stinks when friends drop us for no reason. I remember, back in high school, I was friends with this girl since 9th grade. I went over to her house, she came over to mine -- we were close. She was from Thailand and I was the first person to introduce myself to her when she started at the school. From 9th to the middle of 10th grade, we were razzle dazzle and then one day, out of the blue, she got incredibly mad at me and told everyone that I gossiped about her behind her back -- which was absolutely untrue. I am not a gossip! I was very hurt by the whole thing and she wouldn't even listen to me when I tried to explain that I did not do what she was accusing me of. Then, my mom helped me realize something. About a few months earlier, my friend became friends with another girl and started drifting away. I had to become friends with the other girl too just to be around my friend. My mom told me that she is probably one of those that can only be close friends with one person at a time and my time had run out and she didn't know how to tell me without hurting my feelings in a round-about way. Our relationship never was mended. In fact, in 12th grade, she was more hostile towards me than I could have imagined. I felt like I didn't even know this person anymore but I had to realize that it wasn't ME that was the problem -- it was HER.

So, while my story may not be the same as yours, I see a little bit of what you are going through and it stinks. Don't try to force yourself on her to "win her back." The only way it will happen is if she wants to come back. If you ever get to be alone with her in person, sit down for a chat and ask her politely what's up? She may be going through some family things or the stress of the wedding and doesn't have the emotional availability to connect with you right now. Hopefully, it will get back to normal soon!

[BG45]

Prayers, I've had it happen a couple of times too. The most recent was someone whose dissertation defense I attended, I was at several of her parties (including her grad party), that I had allowed to rail against the Church numerous times while she was drunk while I gently tried to correct things, etc. Got dumped as a "homophobe" because of not seeing the big deal about Chick Fil-A's founder not changing his gay marriage views, and people from here mostly getting combative on FB about gay marriage on that post.

Edited August 9, 2012 by BG45

[CatherineM]

My husband had several friend disappear when we got married. Only about ten percent of schizophrenics are married, so they felt left out or jealous. To drop you like that without explanation is very immature. It's like breaking up with someone by changing your Facebook status to single.

Just dust off your feet.

[brianthephysicist]

[quote name='Hasan' timestamp='1344479423' post='2464800']
You're obviously an intelligent and good-humored woman. You seem to have plenty of other friends and I'm sure that you''ll never be lacking of people who appreciate and love you. I'd chalk it up to her loss and move on.

I know that doesn't really help emotionally because she hurt you and in these cases we want answers and perhaps even to get things back to where they were because we value what was once there. But the way she is treating you is completely unacceptable. You don't treat a stranger you made extemporaneous lunch plan with this way, and you sure as hell don't treat somebody who you've been friends with since middle school so incredibly inconsiderately.

You're friend's behavior is not just inconsiderate. It's frankly bizarre
[/quote]
Wow, Hasan posted something genuinely nice. You never cease to amaze me, good sir. Is there really a heart inside Mr Grinch? If so, it just grew two sizes bigger.
[quote name='Maggie' timestamp='1344483177' post='2464853']
Ha my husband says the same thing! join a book club since I like to read. [b]But I find when you get to the book club, you have to talk![/b] On-demand socializing! What I need to do is find the Good Listeners club, wherever it is, and join that... now those people would appreciate me and my peculiar talents.
[/quote]
Not the book clubs I've been a part of. Sure, somebody has to get the conversation going, but there's always 1 or 2 people that just sit and listen and during the whole course of the meeting and might say 1 thing at most, but it's incredibly insightful because they've sat there all night listening.

But before and after the meeting, you do have a bit of forced socialization. But that's good. That's where you will have the chance at making new friends.