Caring For Elderly Parents While A Religious Sister/brother

[Kylie Spinelli]

Hi everyone! So I was just wondering what would happen in a situation such as this:

You're an only child (or all of your siblings joined religious life too... but let's keep it simple and say you're an only child) and you have joined the religious life. Your parents are getting older (we all are) and they are starting to need medical help, perhaps they're going into a nursing home or assisted living facility. I know how expensive it is to care for elderly people whose health is failing. Paying for meds, tests, copays, and the nursing home/assisted living bills. My mother is spending a lot of time and money taking care of my gram. I am just wondering, since religious take a vow of poverty, how they do this for their parents, especially in the case of an only child. And what happens if they are cloistered? Just curious

Any ideas? Thanks for reading and any answers you can give! :D

[Annie12]

First of all... WELCOME! ( I saw that you became a member not too long ago!)

So, to answer your question, I think if a person is taking care of their parents sat the time when they want to enter, the community may ask them to wait until their parents either get better or pass away or have a different caretaker. I'm not 100% sure about this though.

[Lisa]

From what I've seen, the community may ask about that while you are discerning with them (on the application, in conversation, etc.) They often will ask if you are responsible for the care of another person; it varies from community to community, but it may not be possible to both be in religious life and have the responsibility of a caretaker.

It also depends on where you are in the timeline of religious life. Most communities would probably not send a Sister to take care of her parents while she's in formation. She simply needs to be with her community and can't spend extended time away. Later on, it's not unheard of for a sister (final professed) to take a sabbatical to care for her parents. I'm not sure about cloistered communities, though. It seems like Sr. Mariam was on here while caring for her mother, and if I remember correctly, she was a Carmelite (?- correct me if I'm wrong).

As with most things, it varies from community to community. Talk to the vocation director you're discerning with!

[Chapel Rat]

It may be considered an impediement to entering religious life, according to canon law, but I think the community and a spirtual director would be the best in discerning in each specific case.

I was discerning religious life for 3 years (cloistered life) and my dad, who will be turning 70, got ill this past winter and was in the hospital and in a skilled nursing for 2 months. Since my parents don't speak English very well, I had to be there to translate.

After talking to my spirtual director, he told me that it seems to be an impediement because my parents depend on me more than he thought. I do have a brother who is married and now has a 4 month old (who was born during my dad's hospital stay) who will be moving 2 hours away. My SD said that my brother has other responsibilities and duties to his wife.

It was heartbreaking to hear it at first because I'm not an only child, but my SD put the breaks on religious life and I haven't looked at a community since then.

[OnlySunshine]

My friend was hesitant upon entering religious life because she was worried about her father's neurological condition and the care he would need as his condition progressed. She spoke to her Provincial Superior about it and was told that if God was truly calling her to this community, he would provide a way for her parents to receive care. The Sisters even mentioned that the parents could come and live in the community's apostolate which is the St. Agnes' Home for the Elderly if she was worried about their care. They also said that God provided care to them before she was born, so He would continue to do so if it was His will that she enter. This was the Carmelite Sisters of the Divine Heart of Jesus.

There is a difference in being selfish and leaving your family behind to do your will and leaving to enter the convent to do God's will. He knows what is best for us so we have to trust that He will set everything in place so we can answer His call. Remember, God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called!

I recommend that you seriously consider talking to your parents about a living will should the time come when your entrance is inevitable. Do you have any family friends that might be able to help in this circumstance? Talk to your vocation director or spiritual director to see what he/she says.

[Lil'Nun]

I am in this position and there is no way I could enter, communities will not accept me unless my position changes. However, I am wondering if you question is what would happen if someone entered, proceeded through religious life and then one of their parents grew ill. I have heard of established Sisters being allowed home to care for someone as they approach the end of their life, but most communities will not accept you if you have relatives who are dependent on you, be they children or elders.

[krissylou]

It depends on the community and the situation.

If you are actively in the process of caring for infirm parents, that probably would be an impediment.

If, however, your parents are currently fine but you're looking to the future and recognizing that a time may come when they need your care, it is increasingly common that communities recognize this as a real need in a lot of ways.

Sometimes the health center that the sisters run for their own elderly sisters will also accommodate parents. Sometimes sisters (or brothers) are "assigned" to care for their parents as their ministry for a period of years. I'm guessing that, say, the very strictest of Carmels might not look smilingly on such an idea, but this is a pretty normal thing in lots of congregations.

(Chapel Rat, I'm kind of peeved at your Spiritual Director for saying "well your brother's obligations are to his family so of course the care of your (plural) parents has to be mostly your responsibility" -- that seems to be saying that his vocation trumps yours -- but maybe I am misunderstanding.)

[stlmom]

Years ago, a woman from my parish who cared for her elderly parents had also been discerning with the Pink Sisters who are cloistered. They did not admit her while her parents were alive. Once they both passed away, she was able to enter, even though she was well beyond their age limits for admission at the time. In her case I think it helped that she was from St. Louis where they have a monastery, and stayed in regular contact with them.
I have also heard of sisters taking leaves of absence to help care for their parents when other siblings were unable. Another St. Louis religious community allowed at least one sister's aged and widowed mother to move in within the retired sisters residence until she passed away.
It is a very good question to ask when discerning, especially if you are an only child.

[Kylie Spinelli]

I am talking about if you're already a sister/brother, and your parents are JUST NOW starting to need care. This isn't about my situation, it's just a question that came to my mind and I wondered if anyone had the answer...

I'm surprised how fast I got replies to this! WOW! :D

Thanks for all your answers, I hope that clears up my ? ...

[AccountDeleted]

I wrote you a lovely long answer but phatmass ate it when I posted it.

The short story is that each community handles it differently so just trust that God will know what to do when the time comes. There may be sacrifices involved by everyone (community, family, nun) but with trust in God, it will all be ok.

Just quickly I know of a couple of cases where the (Carmelite) nun was allowed to go out and help, and another (a long time ago) where she had to leave. But her mother converted while she was caring for her and she ended up going back after her mother died, although she went back as an extern the second time. but in all cases, God is looking after the nun, the parent, and the community.

[Indwelling Trinity]

when i was an MC even though we were told we could not go home.I remember Numerous Finally professed sisters allowed to go home to car for their sick Parents. One sister was one of my best friends, and still is. She herself was sickly having had TB and eventually a benign ,brain tumor. and luekemia She had spent at least 20 year at home with her Mom, but still remains a professed Missionary of Charity with her superiors coming to visit her, every so often. Her Mother lived until 98 She had many siblings but none were in the condition to care for her mother.

In one of my Carmels, the first prioress actually brought her dying Father to live at the monastery until he died. The used an appendix just out side of the cloister. Although it is an exception, i have known many Carmelites who have been given temporary exclaustration to care fro elderly sick parents and allowed to return afterwards to their monastery of Profession.

If the need is truly there, God will somehow provide. whether it be through the religious themselves or through other orders willing to assist the cloistered communities with that particular sister's needs.

[Chapel Rat]

Thanks everyone for your replies and thanks to Kylie for posting the question!

Everyone has given me so much to pray on and guidance in this situation. I cannot thank you all enough.

krissylou, I must admit I was more than a little peeved at my SD at the time. I was already going through a lot at the time and it felt like I was kicked in the stomach. On the bright side, it has taught me to surrender, surrender, and surrender even more

Mucho thanks!

Thanks everyone for your replies and thanks to Kylie for posting the question!

Everyone has given me so much to pray on and guidance in this situation. I cannot thank you all enough.

krissylou, I must admit I was more than a little peeved at my SD at the time. I was already going through a lot at the time and it felt like I was kicked in the stomach. On the bright side, it has taught me to surrender, surrender, and surrender even more

Mucho thanks!

[krissylou]

I know of a situation where two sisters (siblings) both entered the same community. There were also some other siblings in the family.

As the parents aged and needed care, one of the nun-sisters went to take care of them as her full-time job. Well, it so happened that in the process she got sick too, and as it became clear that this illness was terminal she wanted to go back to the convent. So she did, and went to the convent where her sister was stationed. Other siblings took care of the parents while one nun-sister took care of the other. And after one nun-sister died, the other nun-sister's next assignment was to take care of the parents full time.

In short, NONE of us knows what's coming around the bend. I'm pretty sure that when these two entered the family wasn't expecting all this to happen. And it's definitely good when you are discerning to ask the community how they handle such things -- it's certainly an issue that comes up over and over again. But there are a whole variety of ways for these things to work out.

[Gabriela]

I just finished interviewing 33 sisters for my Master's thesis, and this came up rather often. The best-situated for this were, hands-down, the sisters who were in an active apostolate taking care of the elderly. (See, for example, the Congregation of the Divine Spirit in Canton, Ohio, at the House of Loreto.) They simply brought their parents to the nursing home attached to the convent. For those in cloistered life, on the other hand, this often brought a lot of agony. But it always worked out. After all, there are places like the House of Loreto that takes elderly residents even when they can't pay. Certainly the parents of a cloistered only-child could be received there!

[emmaberry]

I know with the Roswell PCCs, the sister is truly cloistered. For the Poor Clares, this enclosure is not just "I'll be enclosed when life is going okay", but even when life throws rocks at you. So for a sister with dying parents, she normally does not leave the enclosure, because her vow of enclosure, like a marriage vow, is to always be enclosed-not just when she is not needed outside. Obviously, this causes a lot of grief for the nun and her family, but if it is her vocation she and the family are given sufficient grace in these terrible circumstances.

Of course, the nuns are not cruel, and if no one else is available to care for a dying parent, a sister can be exclaustrated. This is hardly ever the case, especially with Catholic families where there are often many siblings to care for the parents.

This is definitely a good thing to ask a community when you are visiting. As hard as it is too imagine, we will all have elderly/aging family to take care of one day, if we are not already.

Edit: I do not mean to imply in my first sentence that enclosed communities with other policies are not truly enclosed. Hardcore enclosure may be a better way to describe the point I was trying to make. After all, they are one of the few communities I know who do not allow live-ins!

Edited August 17, 2012 by emmaberry