Emotional Chastity

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

Hi guys.

So I've finally begun to understand the concept of emotional chastity (probably at the worst time). I didn't know I had a problem with it either until very recently either.

I don't quite understand how I can change the friendships where there has not been enough emotional chastity without feeling like our friendship fizzled. Plus, I don't FULLY understand the concept. I'm one of those people who HAS to have someone walking with them all the time, especially through hard times, but it's difficult when you find a friend or a couple that you can actually trust, but at the same time, you don't want to overload them.Maybe my problem comes from a lack of trust, I don't know. I don't want to ruin friendships with people I genuinely love, but I do need someone with me.

Help, advice, crude remarks, would be appreciated.

[MissyP89]

Me too. Meeeeee too.

What helps me is making sure that the friend I'm leaning on knows I'm willing to be there for them, too. I also like to take them out to eat or something to show my appreciation.

The main thing is making sure that the friendship isn't just about your drama. Try not to bring it up every day. I know how tough that is, especially when your emotions are eating you up inside and you don't know where to turn. Just try to look out for them the same way they're looking out for you.

That said, if you ever want to vent -- from one emotionally unchaste soul to another -- I'm here for ya.

[xTrishaxLynnx]

I definitely have to work on this as well. I don't understand it fully either, but I'm sure once I understand it better, I'll have even more to work on than I thought... *sigh*

[morostheos]

I think most of us have to work on emotional chastity because it's not talked about nearly as much. In some ways, not being emotionally chaste is even more damaging than not being physically chaste.

Which aspects of emotional chastity are the ones you are trying to get a better understanding of? It's a pretty broad topic, and can range from "sheesh I need to stop daydreaming about that guy I like" to "I probably shouldn't tell all of my deepest darkest secrets to every person I meet."

It's something I'm just beginning to understand more in practice, and it's a really important topic!

[BarbTherese]

I must confess - what is "emotional chastity"? Rather often we don't have control over whatever we may feel and can be an involuntary reaction to a person or situation - we do have control however over what we do with what we feel.

If I should find that in the presence of a certain person(s), I reacte with sexual attraction or some other potentially self indulgent reaction this can be completely normal to me, certainly not abnormal. However, I do not indulge in the feeling or emotion, reaction. For example, if I find I want to be with a person because I feel good when I am with them and so seek out their presence, then I need to ask myself why I need to feel good, what is at the heart and core of my needing to feel good - am I exploiting this person and their personality for some reason - and only to feel good about myself. Am I lacking confidence or perhaps self esteem? Is it all about me and what I feel? We all need to feel good about ourselves now and then I think. Its all about maturity and balance in life. And in doubt, always speak with a spiritual director. I do think that with some level of maturity and balance in life, one can certainly almost instinctively know when a certain situation of any kind is not healthy in some way, on some level, and that further reflection will reveal why it is unhealthy on some level. If not, consult a spiritual director.

I also think that maturity and balance in life is something that cannot really be measured. One can always react in an immature and not too balanced manner - one then simply corrects the situation and the very fact of identifying when I am being immature and lacking balance is a level of maturity and balance in itself. And if one is struggling in any way, consult a spiritual director.

We are all without exemption weak and faulted creatures - somewhere or other and at some time or other - and recognizing this condition of human existence, and accepting it, and looking solely towards The Lord and His Mercy and Strength in weakness of any kind, is that great strength revealed in weakness. To me, one of the greatest gifts of The Lord's Mercy and Strength is spiritual direction including that which may be given in Confession.

For any person who wants to take their journey with The Lord through life committed to their baptism and The Gospel - to growth in holiness which is to become the person one is uniquely called to be, spiritual direction is almost essential I think.

If one cannot genuinely find a good spiritual director, then one can be totally confident in placing themselves always in God's Hands and He will not confound.

[BarbTherese]

I see my spiritual director at regular dates and times. Sometimes problems won't keep '9 - 5' as it were. One of my greatest supports often are also close friendships that are mutual and in which one feels comfortable in openly sharing problems - mutual loving acceptance and trust, confidence - and at times even loving challenges. My very close friendships are with my sons (in their forties) and my brothers (much older than their forties, much!). This is a real gift and blessing I know.

Edited July 8, 2012 by BarbaraTherese

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

Jesus "you evil brood of vipers you can predict the weather but can't predict the weather of your own hearts."
Just walk away if the feelings get over bearing, not permanently but in that momment.And come back another day or an hour or two later. And if it continues and the person you have those feelings for is married you need to confess it. I prayed for 3 years for physical chastity and i got it eventually, now i am praying for mental chastity, and even than i'm unsure what emotional chastity is? Where meant to have such feelings it is natural, a human without feelings sounds more like a robot to me, it just becomes dangerous if you contemplate them in your mind for to long. Jesus said with lusting after somone whom is already married is not only a sin in the act but in the thought, is this a prelude for all thoughts of lust i don't know and just the worst one, in this case you walk away and pray foryourself to get well and pray for them to have a happy marriage, that praying for the married couple is an act of humility when you actualy in your heart and mind wan't the married person sexualy. But again i don't know the churches standing on emotions, feelings are natural for the human state and not in itself sinful unless you toy with it in your mind or act out on it in word or deed, like when jealous of someone trying to tear down there reputation to another person in word. But than there is also the old testament verse that says "don't let the sun set on your anger,is this just about anger or all sin, anyhow offer it up to GOD and submit to his will on the matter.Hopefully something in all that may help.

JESUS iz LORD

[BarbTherese]

This jumped out at me:

[quote] Where meant to have such feelings it is natural, a human without feelings sounds more like [u][b]a robot[/b][/u] to me,[/quote]

.........and as well said.
Feelings tell us, at least in part, who we are.

Edited July 8, 2012 by BarbaraTherese

[4588686]

I thought this was a joke. Then I googled 'emotional chastity'. Fantastic. Pleased to see that someone out there is telling young Catholic women about the importance of not merely keeping their legs closed but also their mouths shut around boys.

Edited July 8, 2012 by Hasan

[Basilisa Marie]

I really, really think emotional chastity is badly named. When I see it most of the time, it's in the context of women being too nice to boys and boys taking advantage of it. And it makes it sound like women don't struggle with lust, but emotions.

But I do think it's kind of a thing. If we're talking about it being improperly idealizing people and taking advantage of other people's kindness. And letting yourself get carried away by fantasizing about the future with someone. And, I guess, if we're talking about chastity in terms of self-discipline, it kind of fits. But chastity has different connotations and I fear giving anyone the idea that "boys struggle with real chastity and girls struggle with emotional chastity" - because girls do have problems with lust, and I know boys who could use some self-disciplining with their emotions, aka 'passions'.

It should be called "Passionate Self-Discipline" instead. People should stop objectifying others, taking advantage of others, and communicate better.

But does it also apply to toxic friendships? Like Missy said, making sure the relationship isn't all about your drama, and that you aren't leeching off of someone? If that's the case, I could definitely get behind that.

[xTrishaxLynnx]

Well when I replied I was only talking about the "taking advantage of other people's kindness" as that's what FCC seemed to be talking about.

[MissyP89]

I always thought emotional chastity was best defined as not letting your emotions go oozing all over the place to anyone and everyone you meet.

There is a romantic/sexual element to it. but what I talked about in my post was the sort that refers to friendships, family, coworkers, etc. Emotional chastity in romantic relationships is a whole 'nother ballgame, if you ask me.

[morostheos]

Ok, here comes my completely unqualified and unsolicited soapbox...feel free to ignore if it's too long!

While chastity is about sex and sexuality, it presents itself in so many unexpected parts of life. Chastity is about keeping others whole by not using them but respecting them as persons. So anytime we are thinking about, talking to, or spending time with another to satisfy our own needs we needs to be careful about chastity.

One thing I learned about when I was living in the convent is the wonderful blessing of enclosure. One of the reasons for the enclosure of a convent or monastery is to safeguard chastity. It is much more than a physical boundary that those not belonging to the community cannot cross - it is also an emotional boundary.

In a similar way, I have tried to practice a spirit of enclosure in my life since leaving the convent. There are some things that are best not shared with particular people in order to guard chastity. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but it is something like a "keeping yourself whole." It's like a containment of our sexual energy (both physical and emotional) as a means to direct our yearnings for love and intimacy in a healthy way. If they are not contained, I feel deflated - I've given out what was not meant to be given except in a spousal relationship and have nothing to replace it with.

For me, this is what I think about when I think about emotional chastity. If I'm daydreaming about a man and our future marriage and children, then in a way I am giving him a part of my heart (and he usually doesn't know anything about it!). I am using him to feel warm and fuzzy, as a "release" for my emotional desires. I suppose in many ways, emotional chastity is synonymous with guarding your heart.

John Paul II (Karol Wojtyla) talks a little about emotion/sentimentality and chastity in Love and Responsibility:
[quote] The sublimation of the emotions plays an important part in this whole process {of developing the virtue of chastity and practicing continence}...The fact that reactions to a person of the other sex may be grounded in sentiment and not only in sensuality favors sublimation... Sentimental desire is not directed solely towards sensual and carnal enjoyment. It is to a much greater extent a desire to be close to 'a human being of the other sex.' But if we leave the spontaneous reactions to take their course we must reckon with the danger of a lapse (or relapse) from the plane of sentiment to that of sensuality.[/quote]

So sentimentality is innocent on it's own, but it is easy to slip into sensual and carnal enjoyment from it.

[quote]Sentiment may, however, play an important auxiliary role in the whole process of sublimation. [i]For the value of the person must be not merely understood by the cold light of reason but felt[/i] ... We may make use of elements inherent in sentiment to help us towards this fuller appreciation. The ability to react spontaneously to the value 'human being of the other sex', to 'feminity' or 'masculinity', coupled with a tendency to idealize those values, combine fairly easily in one's reactions with the concept of the person, so that what was a spontaneous process of emotional idealization may cease to center on the values 'feminity' and 'masculinity', and center instead on the value of the person, awareness of which simultaneously ripens in the mind as the result of conscious thought. In this way, the virtue of chastity also finds some support in the emotional sphere.[/quote]

We can guide our sentiments that we naturally feel towards people of the opposite sex to help us acknowledge the dignity of each other and help us practice chastity.

[quote]The practice of that virtue, rightly understood, means just this...in relation to the sensual and emotional sphere of his inner life a man must employ appropriate tactics, and even a certain diplomacy... Indeed, every man must effectively deploy the energies latent in his sensuality and his sentiments, so that they become allies in his striving for authentic love, for they may, as we know, also be its foes. This ability to make allies of potential foes is perhaps en even more decisive characteristic of self-mastery and the virtue of chastity than is 'pure' continence.[/quote]

So our emotions and sentiments can be the enemies of chastity, but if properly guided can also be our allies.

I think what strikes me the most about what JP II says in this passage is that it applies to both men and women. When we speak of emotional chastity, there is generally a focus on women and our tendency to imagine all sorts of fairytales and romances. JP II does not make that distinction. We all have a desire to be close to someone of the opposite sex, and it can lead anyone to "sensual and carnal enjoyment." Emotions on their own are not good or bad, but need to be directed towards an end.

The place where he does acknowledge a difference between man and woman is in tenderness. The pages on tenderness are very beautiful, but also very long. Here's my best attempt at extracting the key points:
[quote]Tenderness is more than just an inner capacity for compassion, for sensitive awareness of another person's feelings and state of mind. Tenderness includes all of this, but its essence is elsewhere - in the tendency to make one's own the feelings and mental states of another person ... [i]Tenderness, then, springs from awareness of the inner state of another person ([/i]and indirectly of that person's external situation[i]) and whoever feels it actively seeks to communicate his feeling of close involvement[/i] with the other person and his situation.... Tenderness comes from sentiment and its characteristic reaction to 'a human being of the other sex.' It is not an expression of concupiscence but of benevolence and devotion.[/quote]



[quote]There exists, then, a problem of educating tenderness, within the general problem of educating love 'in' man and woman, and consequently 'between' them. This problem is part of the general problem of continence. For tenderness demands vigilance against the danger that its manifestations may acquire a different significance and become merely forms of sensual and sexual gratification. Tenderness, therefore, cannot do without a perfected inner self-control, which here becomes the index of the inner refinement and delicacy of one's attitude to a person of the other sex....

...the only morally justifiable forms of tenderness are those which are fully attributable to love of the person, to the real bonds between human beings...

These observations apply particularly to relations between man and woman. Here more than anywhere the various forms of tenderness must be fully warranted by true love of the person. For we have to reckon with the fact that the love of man and woman is powered to a very great extent by sensuality and sentiment, which themselves demand full and over-abundant satisfaction. Hence, various forms of tenderness can easily diverge from love of the person, and stray in the direction of sensual, or at any rate emotional, egoism. Apart from this, exterior manifestations of tenderness may create an illusion of love, a love which in reality does not exist...we must draw attention to the fact that the subjective elements in love between man and woman, even if both of them intend it to be honest and genuine, usually develop more quickly than its objective content....

Accordingly, if we are to grant a man or a woman the 'right to tenderness' - whether to show it, or to receive it - we must also demand an even greater sense of responsibility. There undoubtedly exists a tendency, more pronounced in some than in others, to enlarge those rights, to seek to enjoy them prematurely when both are only at the stage of the arousal of sentiment, and with it of sensuality, while the objective aspect of love, and the union of persons, are still missing. Such premature tenderness in the association of a man and a woman quite often destroys love, or at least prevents it from developing fully, of ripening both internally and objectively into a genuine love.... Without the virtue of moderation, without chastity and self-control it is impossible so to educate and develop tenderness that it does not harm love but serves it. For there is a serious danger that, while the feeling is only shallow and superficial, an attempt may be made to 'use' love, i.e. to use the 'raw material' from which it is formed in a man or a woman - and with the limits of such a feeling the two of them will not succeed in perfecting the objective profile, and the true good, of love, but will stop short at purely subjective manifestations, deriving only a fleeting pleasure from them. [/quote]

He continues, but I think I will stop there. Tenderness is so beautiful, and we yearn for it so strongly, that we want to create it prematurely. I think this is the essence of "emotional chastity". We have to let true love develop a solid foundation before we can have this true closeness with another.

[Hubertus]

[quote name='Hasan' timestamp='1341754704' post='2453482']
I thought this was a joke. Then I googled 'emotional chastity'. Fantastic. Pleased to see that someone out there is telling young Catholic women about the importance of not merely keeping their legs closed but also their mouths shut around boys.
[/quote] If your conception of chastity is just a schoolmarm whacking youngsters with a ruler, then it is the wrong conception.

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

I guess it also depends on what we do with our feelings, do we brood over it or do we cry out/seek the LORD for ourself or another.