Needing Prayers- An Explanation

[Lilllabettt]

[quote name='FutureCarmeliteClaire' timestamp='1341460914' post='2452450']
A few minutes ago, I had a twitch going on in my leg, and I just can't do this. It's scary. I can't sleep. I feel horrible. I did so well today too, emotionally, and I'm trying so hard not to cry right now, it's ridiculous.

Idk what I'm going to do, honestly.
[/quote]

Reading this, I had to post, because I feel like I know what you are going through. Specifically, when you say "I just can't do this." That was my go-to wail during the years that I was sick. It is SO hard to be sick with no end in sight. Because you have the feeling that perhaps it will never end, except when I die it will, so maybe it wouldn't be so bad to die, please God let me die, etc ... ( you see where that line of thinking leads)

So ... what helped me ...

once when I was crying "I can't do this" my sister said: "cant do what?" That made me really think. What is it I really feel like I can't do. For me, it was the pain. I said: "I can't go on like this. Not another day. Not another week. Not another month. I can't bear it, I can't do it."

She told me that I didn't have to. It is too hard for anyone to face life with that kind of pain for weeks, months, years. I really can't do that, but I don't have to do it either. All I have to do is face the pain of this moment. Feeling lucky? Try facing the pain of a day. But that's it. Leave anything more than that to the victim martyrs. I didn't have to brace myself, push, pull, fight, get ready ... for anything. All I had to do was keep doing what I already was doing ... existing. Breathing in oxygen and pushing out carbon dioxide. DOING that is actually easier than NOT doing that ... something I definitely can do.

So then I would be crying "I just can't do this!" And my sister would very quietly say: "But you are."

Edited July 5, 2012 by Lilllabettt

[i<3franciscans]

FCC, I haven't been on in a while, but be assured of my prayers!!!! Stay strong, love ya!

[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8JsRxVczmQ"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8JsRxVczmQ[/url]

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' timestamp='1341519924' post='2452586']
Reading this, I had to post, because I feel like I know what you are going through. Specifically, when you say "I just can't do this." That was my go-to wail during the years that I was sick. It is SO hard to be sick with no end in sight. Because you have the feeling that perhaps it will never end, except when I die it will, so maybe it wouldn't be so bad to die, please God let me die, etc ... ( you see where that line of thinking leads)

So ... what helped me ...

once when I was crying "I can't do this" my sister said: "cant do what?" That made me really think. What is it I really feel like I can't do. For me, it was the pain. I said: "I can't go on like this. Not another day. Not another week. Not another month. I can't bear it, I can't do it."

She told me that I didn't have to. It is too hard for anyone to face life with that kind of pain for weeks, months, years. I really can't do that, but I don't have to do it either. All I have to do is face the pain of this moment. Feeling lucky? Try facing the pain of a day. But that's it. Leave anything more than that to the victim martyrs. I didn't have to brace myself, push, pull, fight, get ready ... for anything. All I had to do was keep doing what I already was doing ... existing. Breathing in oxygen and pushing out carbon dioxide. DOING that is actually easier than NOT doing that ... something I definitely can do.

So then I would be crying "I just can't do this!" And my sister would very quietly say: "But you are."
[/quote]
Thank you so much. This was beautiful. I am trying at this. As you know, it isn't always easy.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

You guys have seriously been getting me through lately. Everyone in my life is being very kind and I have many prayers going up, but nothing is like Phatmass. Sometimes people don't really get it before they speak to me in real life. A friend of mine told me the other day, "Well, if you're not in a wheelchair, then you should come over this summer!" I kept thinking, "How about if I am in a wheelchair, I still come over this summer." Also, there are certain people I NEED to talk this stuff over with when I have a hard time, because with other people, it just doesn't help. Well, two of the people who help me through are away this week, so that has been hard. Plus, people keep bringing it up, and with me, if I want to talk about it, I will bring it up, but sometimes I just want to get my mind off of it. So, yeah. Maybe it's just me who's like that, but there are few people I actually WANT to bring this up with, mainly because they are actually helpful.

[Byzantine]

Praying...

[Maggyie]

Who knows but I would venture to guess the twitching from your leg might be coming from the terrible emotional strain you are under while you wait for the doctors to figure this out!

Is there any way you could get some concrete help for the distress you're feeling? I know it's early in the potential chronic pain scenario (God forbid it winds up being chronic) but with these kind of situations, the sooner the intervention, the better you'll feel. Research shows that pain and emotional distress feed off each other, if you are scared or upset it will make the pain worse.

And the increased pain will then cause more upset, and round and round you go. When I was in the midst of my anxiety disorder, I would have horrible, painful muscle spasms and both my arms went completely numb for hours at a time. I would wake up in the middle of the night with my face and tongue tongue completely numb and feeling like I was choking. I had painful shocks radiating from my neck all the way down to my fingertips. My awful scary symptoms didn't even have an organic cause, and they were still unbelievable to live with! The brain is so powerful and can really magnify what you're feeling!

Beyond just having people to vent to, there are professionals who deal with this kind of stuff on a daily basis and they can help you interrupt that cycle as it develops. Sometimes GPs don't really know who to refer for that but whatever specialist you wind up with will probably be able to suggest someone. I know people who have used [url="http://www.healthjourneys.com/Product_Detail.aspx?id=18&mcid=6&catid="]this CD[/url] to great effect.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

[quote name='Maggie' timestamp='1341546487' post='2452749']
Who knows but I would venture to guess the twitching from your leg might be coming from the terrible emotional strain you are under while you wait for the doctors to figure this out!

Is there any way you could get some concrete help for the distress you're feeling? I know it's early in the potential chronic pain scenario (God forbid it winds up being chronic) but with these kind of situations, the sooner the intervention, the better you'll feel. Research shows that pain and emotional distress feed off each other, if you are scared or upset it will make the pain worse.

And the increased pain will then cause more upset, and round and round you go. When I was in the midst of my anxiety disorder, I would have horrible, painful muscle spasms and both my arms went completely numb for hours at a time. I would wake up in the middle of the night with my face and tongue tongue completely numb and feeling like I was choking. I had painful shocks radiating from my neck all the way down to my fingertips. My awful scary symptoms didn't even have an organic cause, and they were still unbelievable to live with! The brain is so powerful and can really magnify what you're feeling!

Beyond just having people to vent to, there are professionals who deal with this kind of stuff on a daily basis and they can help you interrupt that cycle as it develops. Sometimes GPs don't really know who to refer for that but whatever specialist you wind up with will probably be able to suggest someone. I know people who have used [url="http://www.healthjourneys.com/Product_Detail.aspx?id=18&mcid=6&catid="]this CD[/url] to great effect.
[/quote]
That is very, very possible, except, my stiffness has spread to my knees and ankles as well, and the twitching was the same kind of pulsing that I had in my forearm. But you are certainly right that anxiety could be contributing to it as well. I am an anxiety prone person, and while I've never been diagnosed, I'm pretty sure I have some degree of an anxiety issue. I will definitely keep in mind what you said, thank you.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

Had my blood test this morning. The results should be in next week some time. I have a fear of blood, and even though I didn't watch, I almost threw up and passed out, probably the fasting contributed to that.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

Had my blood test this morning. The results should be in next week some time. I have a fear of blood, and even though I didn't watch, I almost threw up and passed out, probably the fasting contributed to that.

[xTrishaxLynnx]

I'm the same way with blood at times. Sometimes, though, I watch because I want to face my fears and I think, "maybe if I see it enough, it will desensitize me a bit."

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

My blood test came back. All is normal except for my elevated testosterone levels. Which means we still have no idea what's wrong. And frankly, what matters to me is that we figure it out, and right now I feel like we're even further from figuring it out
We got an earlier appointment with the rheumatologist for next Thursday. Endocrinology is on the 30th.

I've done so well emotionally today, but I'm going downhill again.

[TheresaThoma]

FCC, just take it one hour at a time. I think you are very much like me in that you can easily stress yourself out by looking too long term. And sometimes even just one day to the next can seem "long term".
Prayers!

[Archaeology cat]

Ok, so those things are ruled out. That doesn't mean you're further from the truth, but closer. The field has been narrowed. It wasn't one of the most common explanations, I suppose, but your doctor has more of an idea than before at least. I'm still praying

[MissyP89]

Don't be afraid to let yourself experience whatever emotion you're feeling, either. You're going through hell right now, and I don't think anyone is expecting you to just roll with it. It's OK to break down.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

I've broken down a lot this week because I'm having a hard time figuring out who I will even talk to. A lot of my friends are worried, a lot don't seem too interested, and with the ones that are, I don't want to overload them (see Emotional Chastity thread). I'm trying to give it all to God. The emotional side of this doesn't make the pain any better, and I've been having spiritual difficulties too, so that's just lovely. I definitely need to go to my SD.

On a brighter note, this weekend has been much better for me because I've been distracting myself. Music has helped. We're spacing out the meds differently, so that has certainly been working. Just waiting to figure this out. And still continuing to learn how to use a relatively disabled body.