Spem in alium Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 I am currently thinking deeply about my vocation and discernment. I have come to the conclusion that if I were called to marriage, I would not want to be intimate (nothing really extending beyond hand-holding) with my future husband (or any guys I date) until after marriage. For several reasons, I want to save intimacy for marriage if that is where I am called. I expressed my view to a close friend recently, and she argued that such an idea couldn't possibly work, that I was living in a kind of fantasy and that I'd have a hard time finding a guy who'd want to hold back on intimacy. Do you think what my friend said is right? Is what I desire impossible to achieve? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyAnn Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 It's not impossible at all. What you have decided is what we as Catholics [i]should[/i] do in our dating relationships. Your friend has fallen into the sad traps of the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spem in alium Posted June 27, 2012 Author Share Posted June 27, 2012 [quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1340791254' post='2449374'] It's not impossible at all. What you have decided is what we as Catholics [i]should[/i] do in our dating relationships. Your friend has fallen into the sad traps of the world. [/quote] Thank you for your rearseurance. It took me a very long time to settle on this. I've been attracted to guys before, but have had next to no experience with romance. While that has had a few negative consequences, in a way it's helped me to form a better idea of what I want from a relationship, should one eventuate. Basically, I just want to give myself and my life to God in the deepest way I can; whether that be as a religious, a married or a single person. I don't see how I can achieve that while being intimate outside of marriage. My friend is Catholic, and I do feel like her view is shared by many, many people. To me it's unfortunate. There is too much emphasis placed on physical appearance and intimacy and not enough placed on personality and the nature of a person's heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Byzantine Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 (edited) [quote name='Spem in alium' timestamp='1340784064' post='2449370'] I am currently thinking deeply about my vocation and discernment. I have come to the conclusion that if I were called to marriage, I would not want to be intimate (nothing really extending beyond hand-holding) with my future husband (or any guys I date) until after marriage. For several reasons, I want to save intimacy for marriage if that is where I am called. I expressed my view to a close friend recently, and she argued that such an idea couldn't possibly work, that I was living in a kind of fantasy and that I'd have a hard time finding a guy who'd want to hold back on intimacy. Do you think what my friend said is right? Is what I desire impossible to achieve? [/quote] No. Interestingly enough, your post confirms for me that there are girls out there who fit this description. So yay! we have mutual rearseurance. Edited June 27, 2012 by Byzantine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spem in alium Posted June 27, 2012 Author Share Posted June 27, 2012 [quote name='Byzantine' timestamp='1340793634' post='2449377'] No. Interestingly enough, your post confirms for me that there are girls out there who fit this description. So yay! we have mutual rearseurance. [/quote] It's great to know there are actually guys out there who want the same thing. Intimacy seems to be a big requirement for most males I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Papist Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 (edited) Yes. Your friend is correct....but that is unfortunate. And Yes, you can achieve what you describe. I think is great and encourage you to follow it. And when you do meet that man that respects and honors you in this regard, you two will have a bond that no pre-marital intimacy can match. And you marriage with be much better b/c for it. God bless you! Edited June 27, 2012 by Papist Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubertus Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 Premarital sex is condemned not only by the Church but also in the Bible, so you're doing the right thing. Settling for premarital sex, just because all guys seem to want it, is putting an earthly relationship above the soul's salvation. It's definitely possible to find guys who have the right thing in mind - you just have to look in the right places, like church groups and your Catholic circle, rather than bars and boozin' parties. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timwho Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 This is a common view among evangelical protestants, indeed many of my friends adhere to such a view so I can firmly say that it is indeed possible to achieve. I'm also biased towards saying that what you're thinking of is right, but don't take that from me xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beatitude Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 Pray for your friend. She has got a very economic way of looking at relationships. In reality, no one has a right to expect sex from their partner - it's not a currency that you use to buy them with. Thinking this way is certainly not just a male problem. I had a relationship with a non-Catholic guy, before I realized that marriage definitely isn't for me, and while he didn't like my refusal to have sex, he accepted it and respected it. He was supportive of my faith (and now, two years after we broke up, he's considering becoming Catholic himself!). So it is possible, even with a non-Catholic partner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AccountDeleted Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 Maybe you need to get a copy of this pamphlet and let your friend read it. It is called What! No Sex? and it is written by a Carmelite nun but it is about no sex before marriage as well as no sex for religious. She goes into the sacrament of marriae quite nicely I think and explains about God's relationship with us in a spousal way through His Church and why intimate relations should only within the sacrament of marriage. Here is the link to the thread about it. [url="http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/topic/122028-what-no-sex/"]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/topic/122028-what-no-sex/[/url] An you can request a copy from Wolverhampton Carmel - it is free, but they might ask for postage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatholicCid Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 If a guy doesn't think you're worth waiting for, then he isn't worth your time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Adam Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 Find your spouse on phatmarse. As long as their name doesn't start with the letter "Hasan", you are good to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maximillion Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 It is not SO long ago that waiting was entirely the norm...... When I was six or seven years old no one lived together un wed, no one who thought anything of their self respect 'did it', and if they did they were pretty much condemned. Not that I agree with the condemnation, but, if this was standard practice (waiting) within my memory then there is nothing so unusual about it. And it wasn't just Catholics, it was more or less everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatherineM Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 One thing that I found is that when sex is off the table, you are forced to actually talk to each other. Mostly about things that actually matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spem in alium Posted June 27, 2012 Author Share Posted June 27, 2012 [quote name='Papist' timestamp='1340796764' post='2449386'] Yes. Your friend is correct....but that is unfortunate. And Yes, you can achieve what you describe. I think is great and encourage you to follow it. And when you do meet that man that respects and honors you in this regard, you two will have a bond that no pre-marital intimacy can match. And you marriage with be much better b/c for it. God bless you! [/quote] Thank you. I can see how what she says could be considered true; that guys just don't want to wait for that long. Maybe that's just generalising. I know a few guys who value intimacy and sex as things occurring only within marriage, but they are not the norm. [quote name='Hubertus' timestamp='1340801789' post='2449398'] Premarital sex is condemned not only by the Church but also in the Bible, so you're doing the right thing. Settling for premarital sex, just because all guys seem to want it, is putting an earthly relationship above the soul's salvation. It's definitely possible to find guys who have the right thing in mind - you just have to look in the right places, like church groups and your Catholic circle, rather than bars and boozin' parties. [/quote] Thanks Hubertus. I've been against premarital sex for some time, but only recently decided that I wanted to forgo intimacy. I'm not sure how many people I know would be of the same mind and hold the same limitations for themselves. But church groups and Catholic circles seem to be a good way of finding out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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