How Do You Deal With Parents When Discerning?

[emmaberry]

Hi!

The topic of this thread might be misleading. My problem is that my parents are SO focused on the world. Since I started discerning, my world has just exploded with Jesus. Like someone in love, I always want to be talking to Jesus, about Jesus, or be doing something that makes Him happy. However, I can't relate to my parents at all anymore. We are Catholic converts, and my dad's idea of Catholicism is Mass once a week and staying out of mortal sin, whereas my mom attends daily Mass. Generally, they both don't talk about God very much. This is so frustrating to me! They watch hours of tv every night and are just so wordly, and I don't know how to talk to them at all anymore. My dad says he doesn't have time for Mass, and that God appreciates that he works to support his family, but then he comes home and watches 2-3 hours of tv.

Also, they say they are supportice of my vocation....but that is where the 'support' ends. I have to force them to talk about it, and they act as if they are being forced to shovel manure. They listen to me as if they are barely tolerating what I am saying.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with people that are just not gaga over Jesus? Sometimes my family's lack of attention to Jesus and the faith makes me so sad I want to cry. I have tried to start saying the Chaplet and Rosaries with my little brother and sister and talk to them about vocation, because my parents definitely aren't! They say they are supportive of religious vocations, but never talk about them. I feel like I am the only one interested in my little brother and sister's spiritual life, and I am worried about what will happen if and when I enter the convent.

Please pray for me. Some of the best advice I have been given is to have compassion on my family, because my vocation is harder on them than on me, but it is so hard to do.

[filius_angelorum]

Hmm...I wish I knew the answers to give you, because I need parent-handling advice too. Of course, I don't live with my parents, but they are nonetheless unsupportive of my vocation.

I actually disagree with the advice that you have "compassion" on them, unless that means that you go through through with your resolution and offer the fruits of your discernment for them to understand. Otherwise, the danger is that you might start praying "Lord, I thank you that I am not like other men...etc." Daily Mass, no mortal sin! Heavens, you ought to instead be saying Te Deums that your family is so devout! Think about how much grace has been shoved into your lap through your mother's daily masses, or your father's weekly communions. Gratias age Deo omnipotenti qui omne bonum tibi dedit!

Keep doing good.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

Pray.

More advice to come later when I have time! Stay tuned.

[NonNovi]

I think it will always be difficult for parents to deal with a vocation of their children, wether they realy support you or just say they do. I know the feeling, I just can't talk with my parents about faith. Sometimes it works with my father, but after a while we will get into a heavy discussion and that never turns out very well. Nevertheless, if you just show them you're into religion, they will start to adjust and maybe even talk more about it. My parents still aren't used to the fact that I go to Mass very often (even twice on sundays). But I just do it. Same thing with talking about religious subjects, they didn't like that either. But now it's sometimes them who start conversation with something they heard about the church.

And yes, it will hurt everytime your family doesn't pay attention to Jesus. All you can (and should) do is pray for them and be a living example. My brothers and sister aren't religious at all. But when I went to the motherhouse of a congregation for a week, my youngest brother asked to bring back a rosary for him. I didn't expect that, and I think he never did something with the rosary I gave him, but it's a start. When people see the faith is something you profoundly care about, the will become curious. And from that point you can guide them. Live your faith, and be the best example you can be.

Continue what you're doing with your brother and sister, and don't worry about them. With a sister in the convent, they will never forget God. (an older brother or sister entering is in many cases even a start of thinking about vocation)

You're in my prayers. And let us all pray for our parents.

[cmaD2006]

emmaberry ... take it slow and easy.

Re: your dad coming home to watch tv 2-3 hrs at a time after work -- look, I am a engineer. There are days when I come home from work and all I want to do is to watch some mind-numbing tv, in order to distract myself. Watching tv in and of itself is not sinful.

I think it is a wonderful blessing that your mom attends daily Mass -- to commit to attending daily Mass is not the easiest thing to do, and the fact that she does says a lot about her faith in the Lord.

Finally, I remember when I first started following the Lord. I was head-over-heels in love, and was very "on fire." I still love Him lots, but it is a love that has matured over the years. You never know, maybe your parents have a mature love relationship with God (besides -- they're converts, a lot of converts are convinced of their faith).

As far as sharing your vocation -- pray, talk to a wise priest/religious sister, and when appropriate share with your parents. It is not easy for parents to let go of their children (or even to think of that idea). That *could* be part of what is going on.

[EmilyAnn]

I'm not saying this is what you're doing but be careful that you don't fall into the trap of thinking that [i]your[/i] way of expressing your faith is the [i]only[/i] way and that just because they are different that they are lesser. Just because they don't want to talk about Jesus all the time doesn't mean they don't care about Him or are lacking in faith. You don't know what is in their hearts and some people are naturally more private and interior about their faith than others. If you continue your line of thinking you risk falling into pride and thinking yourself spiritually superior because of the externals.

When it comes to talking about your discernment with them, try and be a little understanding. You may want to talk about it all the time, but they might not. It is a very difficult thing for parents to come to terms with often and so they may not want to be constantly thinking about the day when you'll leave them. They may be trying as hard as they can to be supportive but just not know how to deal with it.

[emmaberry]

Thanks for all the replies-it is nice to hear that this family stuff is common with discernment. I wonder if anyone has advice on what I can do so that I can relate to my parents? Also, thanks for the encouraging comments about mr parents. I should have put this in my first post, but they really are great parents, and my dad brought us into the Church! Compared to your average Catholic, they're great, but when compared with, say, St Therese's parents, not so much. Of course, compare me with a Saint and I don't look so hot either! The main problem is that I can't relate to them--that Jesus doesn't seem to be the center of their lives. He could be, and maybe they just don't show it, but I wish they would because then we would have something in common! My dad and I used to bond by running marathons together and watching political news and talking about politics. However, after my 'coversion' I have no desire to spend my weekends running-I'd rather be praying, and running makes me vain about my body. I don't like talking about politics anymore either because it leads to a marked decrease of charity in me.

[quote name='cmariadiaz' timestamp='1340407661' post='2447644']
emmaberry ... take it slow and easy.

Re: your dad coming home to watch tv 2-3 hrs at a time after work -- look, I am a engineer. There are days when I come home from work and all I want to do is to watch some mind-numbing tv, in order to distract myself. Watching tv in and of itself is not sinful.[/quote]

That's exactly why my dad does it--he is a lawyer and just needs something to take his mind off his cases. I want to tell him, "Go see Jesus in Adoration! Go to daily Mass! But he gets defensive when I suggest this.

I am worried that my vocation is making my parent's angry at God and drawing them away from spiritual things.




[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1340411252' post='2447666']
I'm not saying this is what you're doing but be careful that you don't fall into the trap of thinking that [i]your[/i] way of expressing your faith is the [i]only[/i] way and that just because they are different that they are lesser. Just because they don't want to talk about Jesus all the time doesn't mean they don't care about Him or are lacking in faith. You don't know what is in their hearts and some people are naturally more private and interior about their faith than others. If you continue your line of thinking you risk falling into pride and thinking yourself spiritually superior because of the externals.

When it comes to talking about your discernment with them, try and be a little understanding. You may want to talk about it all the time, but they might not. It is a very difficult thing for parents to come to terms with often and so they may not want to be constantly thinking about the day when you'll leave them. They may be trying as hard as they can to be supportive but just not know how to deal with it.
[/quote]

Thanks EmilyAnne-you hit the nail on the head. My greatest fault is definitely pride. I think my parent's spiritual life is probably just as alive (if not more so) than mine, but my problem is that they certainly don't show it. Also, what you said about being understanding is very true-it's just so dang hard! It's ironic because my mom's parents are very cruel to my dad, and so my parents ALWAYS said, "Just wait, Emma. We will be so nice to your future husband!" The irony is that if I were marrying a guy who was going to take me to Africa far away from them, they'd be so much nicer and far more understanding than they are about marrying Jesus and following Him into the cloister.

Edited June 23, 2012 by emmaberry

[mantellata]

Charity always moves out to the other. If you want your fire to "catch" you have to light the wood and not blow it out. Meet your parents rather than expecting them to meet you. Go for a run - not to fit into a bikini - but rather to spend time with your father and love him to death before you find yourself behind a grille. Watch a t.v. program with him and discuss it afterwards. Let "God talk" be natural and not forced. Thank God for all you have rather than assuming you are missing something you do not. Sometimes our opinions of what the Saints lives were like are not the real mustard. While Zeli and Louis Martin became Saints by the end of their lives, it doesn't mean their lives were perfect. Mr. Martin spoiled Therese (she says so herself) God was able to use this but it isn't what you call "good parenting" ... though he still did plenty of that. Pray the rosary with your brother and sister but do not "worry" about them when you leave. They may need a Savior but you are not Him.... Plus - God cannot be outdone in generosity... period... even if you try. If you are generous with giving your life to Him, He will be more than generous in providing the necessary grace for those you love.

[Lilllabettt]

I hate to tell you this. But the reality is that people who have just fallen in love ... can be kind of obnoxious to people who have been in love for a long time.

Honestly, you may be sort of spoiled. Your parents sound awesomesauce

[emmaberry]

Lilllabettt-you got that right! I am spoiled. My parents are great. I like your analogy there about the person in love-they can definitely be obnoxious.

The problem is our relationship-I don't want to sweep Jesus under the rug like yesterday's news just so I can be 'normal' to my parents. But they never want to talk about God or vocations or anything beyond vacations, tv shows, and retirement funds. Of course, mantellata gave me good advice about relating to my parents. I guess I am just realizing that as you grow older, you naturally grow more distant to your parents in a way. At leas that's how it seems to be turning out for me.

[savvy]

Emma,

It sounds like you need someone to talk to about this and your parents are not ready. Find a spiritual director or friends at church with whom you could share things with. I would probably go crazy without both, because I study, and work in a very secular place. The only person I talk to in my family about this is my Mum and even then I need to talk to someone one else.

[emmaberry]

Savvy: thanks for the advice. I fear that may be true, although finding a 'talking buddy' is scary because hardly anyone around me seems to understand or be willing to talk about cloistered life, or women religious in general. At college there were lots of great people to talk to about the spiritual life, but as its summer those conversations have dwindled--texting long heartfelt thoughts on discernment isn't really the same as face to face contact.
I am in a diocese without a single house of women religious, so there are no relatable sisters to talk to. Even my parish priests say, "You're such a nice young girl. You sure you don't want to get married?" I think this might just be a trial where Jesus wants me to bring it all to Him.

That's so wonderful that you have your mom to speak about discernment stuff with!

[EmilyAnn]

[quote name='emmaberry' timestamp='1340411959' post='2447672']
Thanks EmilyAnne-you hit the nail on the head. My greatest fault is definitely pride. I think my parent's spiritual life is probably just as alive (if not more so) than mine, [b]but my problem is that they certainly don't show it[/b]. Also, what you said about being understanding is very true-it's just so dang hard! It's ironic because my mom's parents are very cruel to my dad, and so my parents ALWAYS said, "Just wait, Emma. We will be so nice to your future husband!" The irony is that if I were marrying a guy who was going to take me to Africa far away from them, they'd be so much nicer and far more understanding than they are about marrying Jesus and following Him into the cloister.
[/quote]

Going to Daily Mass sounds like showing it. Attending Mass every Sunday sounds like showing it. Avoiding mortal sin sounds like showing it. Just those few things you say of your parents [i]are [/i]showing their faith and the spiritual life. Like I said, just because they do it differently to you doesn't make them any lesser. You feel called to a vocation that takes away the things of the world so it is understandable why you would want them to do the same but their vocation is not the same as yours.

Our parents will have always had ambitions for us, even if they have never expressed them. Most parents want their children to give them lots of beautiful grandchildren. They may have envisioned a bright career. We will have had ambitions other than religious life and our parents have too. In the same way you have to let go of other ambitions, they have to let go of their ambitions for you and that is very difficult. For us as discerners we can see the reward of the life but our parents often cannot because they are blinded by the fact that their precious child is being hidden away from them. It is undoubtably painful for them. I can't recall who it was but one of the mothers with a daughter in religious life said she had to mourn the fact that she would never hug her daughter again. That is a very difficult thing for a parents to come to terms with. But everyone I have asked, mothers and Religious alike, have all said they were transformed by the graces they received from the vocations, not just to the Religious but to their family as well. God will grace your family abundantly when the time for your entrance comes and He will heal your parents pain.

[savvy]

[quote]Savvy: thanks for the advice. I fear that may be true, although finding a 'talking buddy' is scary because hardly anyone around me seems to understand or be willing to talk about cloistered life, or women religious in general. At college there were lots of great people to talk to about the spiritual life, but as its summer those conversations have dwindled--texting long heartfelt thoughts on discernment isn't really the same as face to face contact. [/quote]

Is it possible for you to maybe get a dinner or lunch date with a friend from college or go for coffee? This way you can talk face to face. I do this with my friends when we need to vent. It really helps.

[quote]I am in a diocese without a single house of women religious, so there are no relatable sisters to talk to. Even my parish priests say, "You're such a nice young girl. You sure you don't want to get married?" I think this might just be a trial where Jesus wants me to bring it all to Him. [/quote]

This priest sounds like my Mum's friend who told her, "Why are you letting that pretty girl become a nun?" It's sad that people think that you have to do this only if you can't do something else. I am assuming the priest is a lot older. Thankfully, my SD is a young priest, so he understands.


[quote]That's so wonderful that you have your mom to speak about discernment stuff with! [/quote]

Yes, my Mum used to play the devil's advocate at first, because she wanted to make sure that I was not doing this for the wrong reasons. She is a blessing. But, you can only talk to Mum's about so much. It's easier to talk to friends with whom you share the same aspirations, but just choose to make a different choice from them. You really learn from each other. My friend now comes to me for relationship advice. LOL.

[Safia]

Emma, I read your post and winced a little bit: your parents remind me very much of my dad. I come from a long line of devout Catholics, but I [i]totally get[/i] what you're saying.

The last time I went home, to discuss vocation and dropping out of college with my dad (oh, the irony), two things kind of slapped me in the face, you might say: first, my dad (who's devout and passionate and intelligent) yelled at me for being too "obsessed" with Jesus, and second, family friends sat down to discuss my plans with me and tried to tell me, [i]to my face and totally seriously[/i], that I'm infatuated and that this infatuation [i]will pass[/i] (as if wanting to enter the convent, the cloistered life, is simply like dating a guy I met on the street, when I've never dated anyone) -- that's when I realized, even though I'd heard it before, that we are on two different levels, my dad and I. The only thing I can think of that is comparable is faith and atheism (though it's morbid, but the analogy sticks in my mind): two people can love the same thing, but will do so in different ways, and have radically different experiences of and perspectives on it.

It is a tremendous cross for me, in some ways, to set aside everything that my life has become -- fire, for Him -- and not discuss it, but rather to live it out within the confines of the framework of my dad's life, and the life of his friends. I feel terribly vain saying it, but my spiritual director told me it's just true: what we've experienced is personal, unique, and our own.

My motto is [i]charity. [/i]Child-like charity.