Still Looking For A Full Time Job

[she_who_is_not]

Hi phamily,

I haven't been around lately. Due to financial difficulties, I left my part time tutoring job and move a couple hundred miles east to kick around in my sister's basement. I'm still doing freelance writing work, but it does not pay all the bills. So, I really need to find a job. I feel like POOP!!!, because I can't get interviews at anything. It makes me sad and I take it personally. My self-esteem is very low. I'm starting to feel like God does not care. I've realized that I will never be able to enter religious life due to my student loan debt and I'm ok with this but I'm ashamed to explain to the Vocations Director why I am no longer discerning. I am so ashamed of my debt and my inability to find employment. Several people have told me not to take it personally, but, it feels like I am the problem. I should not have gone to law school. It was a huge mistake. I feel so bad about it. I think employers see my law degree and assume that I am stupid and worthless for getting such a useless degree. I hate myself. And I know that it's wrong to feel that way. I don't understand why I have such an easy time loving other people and hate myself. I have registered to take the bar in my home state in Feb. and as a last ditch effort, my family would throw me some work. They don't want me working for them, though. But I don't think they want me to starve either. I also can't wait another year to be making more money. I used to laugh about this stuff and now it just depresses me. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of financial ruin. I don't know exactly what prayers to ask for. Maybe that I feel God's prompting in some area in my life. That I can pay my debts honorably. That I stop feeling sorry for myself. For a miracle. Sorry to vent pham. I just don't know how to pray my way out of this mess.