It's Been A While

[the171]

First, an update. I am healthy. No heart problem. It is a hyperventilation disorder caused possibly by my ADHD meds (i am now off of them) and the inhaler prescribed to me for this exact problem. Oh the irony.

Anyway, as you all know I am seriously discerning with a Carmel.

I'm starting to have some doubts. What if I am called to marriage? What if I am called to youth ministry? What if I am called to work with special needs children, to teach, to the missions? I'm drowning in a sea of what ifs. I am entering my junior year of high school so I still have some time. But there is this worry that I am with the wrong community. Maybe even the wrong vocation. (I am not in that vocation yet, but you get my drift.) Do you have any advice? I am so scared that I will pursue the wrong life.

[mantellata]

Trust your dear Jesus - He knows you and knows your heart and wants to write your life with a happy ending. He will put the right people in your path (and the right community) and draw you gently. The first few years of religious life are still part of the discernment process as well. If the community fits you, and you fit them - and they accept you, throw your what-ifs to the wind and just experience the life for awhile. As for right now - you are right where He wants you to be. Just worry about loving him in the present moment. Spend time with Him and the answers to your questions will be gently laid on your heart. You have my prayers.

And PRAISE GOD! I'm so glad to hear that you do not have a heart problem!!!

[Gemma_Kateri]

I think this is totally normal and something everyone experiences. When we choose one path, we think we somehow "miss out" on other things in life. But if you are truly following God's will then you will experience complete joy!

The discernment of religious life is a long process and you're not committing to it yet, you're just exploring. If you're feeling strongly called to religious life I think it's important to just take a leap of faith. If you are being open to and listening to God to the best of the ability, there is no reason to be afraid you are going in the wrong direction. Trust Him to lead you and just keep your heart open.

Also it might be good to ask, where is your fear coming from?

[the171]

[quote name='Gemma_Kateri' timestamp='1338179530' post='2436212']

Also it might be good to ask, where is your fear coming from?
[/quote]

I do believe it is a combination of things. I feel drawn to so many charisms and the different vocations. But each time I go back to Carmel, I feel as though I am "coming home". But then I doubt if that is from God or not. It's so hard for me to trust. Yes, I put my trust in God, but I am scared to place my trust in the community. I know they can be trusted, but I am just fearful that I will regret it.

[MissScripture]

Yay about the health stuff! Heart problems are not fun.
As far as the rest of it goes, at some point you need to just take a leap of faith. That may not be yet. Like you said, you do have time, and Jesus knows you're trying to figure out what is the right path, so no matter what you're doing your best to follow him. But eventually, at some point, you have to look past the fears and anxieties and take a leap of faith into what you think you are called to do. I've been discussing this with a friend who is taking First Vows this summer. She was talking about how she was still anxious, but knew that at some point she would just need to make that decision. It made me think of my wedding day, because as I was walking down the aisle, I started to panic, even though I knew this was what I wanted and was pretty sure that it was what God wanted. I calmed down as I made it down the aisle, and things went well, and I couldn't be happier that I took that leap. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't be too hard on yourself for being a little anxious about it. That's normal. It's part of being human. But also, don't let yourself become paralyzed with the fear of making the wrong decision. Do your best to discern God's will and He will take care of you.

[BarbTherese]

I tend to think also when about to make a quite serious decision for confusions and "what ifs" to enter the picture. Dont attempt to make an actual firm decision while confused would be my advice - and seek out a spiritual director to help you sort things out. Were it me, I would also be approaching Carmel and explaining to the vocations sister of my state of confusion and attraction to Carmel as a feeling of "coming home". Such an approach does not necessarily bind you to any further discerning.

[the171]

[quote name='BarbaraTherese' timestamp='1338184265' post='2436257']
I tend to think also when about to make a quite serious decision for confusions and "what ifs" to enter the picture. Dont attempt to make an actual firm decision while confused would be my advice - and seek out a spiritual director to help you sort things out. Were it me, I would also be approaching Carmel and explaining to the vocations sister of my state of confusion and attraction to Carmel as a feeling of "coming home". Such an approach does not necessarily bind you to any further discerning.
[/quote]

Every time I visit, everything just clicks. Not just a feeling, but with the community. I don't know how to explain it..

[Spem in alium]

I am glad to hear that there is no serious health issue.

I am currently discerning - I was more serious a while ago, but was advised recently to let things rest a bit. I was struggling with a similar issue, and in the short time in which I was very dedicated to discernment I learnt two useful things.

1. You will never be ENTIRELY sure of where you are meant to be or of what God is saying to you.

2. Even in this uncertainty, trust in God. If you are destined for religious life, trust that He will find a way to lead you there. If you are destined for married life, trust that He has set another person aside for you and will bring you both together. If you are destined for consecrated single life, trust that God will give you the strength to persevere in virginity and chastity.

Wherever you are called, trust that God will not forsake you. Just open your heart to Him and His love, and be prepared to echo the words of Our Lord and of his Blessed Mother - "thy Will be done."

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

I have told you many times about my doubts, which are very similar to the ones listed.

Somedays, I wake up, and I feel like I have no idea where God wants me to go. But other days, I get that bride of Christ feeling and seem to know EXACTLY where I'm called to go. We both have quite a while to figure out where we are called, and when we do find that place, we will know. And much of it comes with just trusting in God's Will. I have said this many times, I strongly feel God is calling me to Carmel, but He has been opening so many doors for discernment (and serious discernment at that), and at this point, I'm going wherever God takes me, and when He finally shows me that desert place, I will be happy as all get out. Prayers, chica.

[AnneLine]

Your health report is everything we could have hoped & prayed for! It is also proof that sometimes the best medicines have unexpected side effects! Will continue to pray for your doctors to get everything balanced, and for others in similar situations... very scary! This is just wonderful news.

As far as your vocational concerns, hiven all that has happened to you over the last weeks, I'd be surprised if you weren't re-evaluating a lot of things. It happens when people have a serious health scare. And I don't know anyone who has seriously worked through vocation discernment who didn't have some doubts at some point. (Even St. Therese got them on the eve of taking her vows!) I agree with what Spem and FCC have told you... this is normal, and God is working in all of it and deepening you to listen for God Alone in your discernment of His Will... which is all any of us want anyway, right?

So... be at peace, and take it one step at a time. It's tempting to not tell anyone, but you did the right thing to voice your concerns.... and you really should also let the NM and/or Vocation Sister in Laffy know about your concerns, because that way, the evil one can't get you separated off from the rest of the herd (with the intention of isolating you and getting you to walk away...) Any good vocation director would know this is normal, and help YOU to see it as normal.... and help you to work through it. (St. Therese's novice mistress just started laughing... and then Therese saw it as the temptation that it was for her.) But sometimes it is God's way of finally getting us to see something. It NEVER is a bad thing.

I - we - will be praying for you -- and for all of you!

[i<3franciscans]

You have already received a ton of good advice, but my two cents is try to relax. Pray everyday (I am not doubting that you already do. ), constantly surrender yourself to God's Will for you and have complete trust. I don't even remember my sophomore year because I was so caught up in my discernment, I was constantly worried about everything. The best advice I got was when a sister, who had no idea about my discernment, told me to[i] slow[/i] down. I am going into my senior year of high school this year, and I can't wait to see what God has in store, but completely ready for everything to happen in [i]His[/i] time.

One the side, your second guessing is good for you. I think we would be worried if you said you knew exactly what you were doing. Discerning is all about second guessing, but gradually the guessing will get smaller and things will become clearer. It just takes time. Be assured of my prayers.

In peace,
fran

[Indwelling Trinity]

So wonderful to hear Your heart is fine!

As for the rest... enjoy this day and look less to the future. Prepare your heart for whatever God is calling you by being present to him in this moment. Then all shall be well, but in God's time and not yours. My continued prayers for you.

There is no better way to find God than in the sacrament of the present moment.

[LaPetiteSoeur]

Don't worry about figuring everything out [i]now.[/i]I know you love the Laffy Carms, but this questioning of whether or not the cloistered life is your vocation or if you are supposed to be an active sister or not is perfectly ok.

Enjoy your high school--and maybe even college! we could definitely use you here! Discernment is lifelong, and it can take awhile to find out exactly where you belong.

Have you looked into the active Carmelites? Even contacting them can qualm your doubts. I've contacted a ton of orders, and keep coming back to the same one--through your searching you will find where you are supposed to be.

Prayers for you!

[Lisa]

[quote name='LaPetiteSoeur' timestamp='1338234908' post='2436491']
Don't worry about figuring everything out [i]now.[/i]I know you love the Laffy Carms, but this questioning of whether or not the cloistered life is your vocation or if you are supposed to be an active sister or not is perfectly ok.

Enjoy your high school--and maybe even college! we could definitely use you here![b] Discernment is lifelong,[/b] and it can take awhile to find out exactly where you belong.

Have you looked into the active Carmelites? Even contacting them can qualm your doubts. I've contacted a ton of orders, and keep coming back to the same one--through your searching you will find where you are supposed to be.

Prayers for you!
[/quote]

Good advice here, but as a priest once told me, "discernment is not a valid vocation." With 171, this obviously isn't a problem, but I did want to bring that in case someone else is lurking as a "perpetual discerner."

Throughout our lives we discern what God is calling us to do each day, but discernment of a vocation comes to fufillment with final vows, ordination, marriage, or a concrete living of the sacred single life. We actually have to make a choice at some point.

I've heard vocation directors and other Sisters from a few different communties tell of young women who went to about a dozen convents, but one never seemed perfect, they didn't feel weren't quite ready, such-and-such just wasn't how they expected. God definitely calls us to something, and at some point, we might need to take that leap of faith into the scary, unexpected, or uncomfortable!!! His peace may be immediate, or it could seemed delayed until the decision has been made!

Hope this doesn't derail the thread. Great points, LPS, I just wanted to touch on this.

171: Questions and doubts are normal, especially considering what you've gone through in the past few months. Like the others said, you have time. I know it sounds cliche and might not help with your concerns at the moment, but just try to trust that He will lead you home- to your heaven on Earth- where you can be most united with Him!

[EmilyAnn]

I'm so glad you're healthy!

[quote name='the171' timestamp='1338184491' post='2436261']
Every time I visit, everything just clicks. Not just a feeling, but with the community. I don't know how to explain it..
[/quote]

If it feels right then trust that. I'm a big believer in trusting your instincts and I truly believe God can work in us in that way. Maybe you're not called to be at Laffy forever but sometimes you gotta think about the here and now. God has a plan, we all gotta just learn to trust it!