Understanding Why Street Harassment And Cat-calls Scrape At Our Hearts

[Lil Red]

From [url="http://goodwomenproject.com/daily-life/when-street-harassment-and-cat-calls-scrape-at-our-hearts"]the Good Women Project[/url]


[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3]Still, being the on the receiving end of degrading sexualized comments can wedge a bit more disgust between myself and the male race. Yesterday, I asked you girls [url="http://www.facebook.com/goodwomenproject/posts/398533296857813"]on our Facebook[/url] how you felt and responded when you were sexually harassed on the street.[/size][/font][/color]

[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3]Most of you replied that you ignored it, and kept their eyes down. Avoid eye contact, and simply keep moving as quickly as possible. A few women shared that they reply with clear, [i]“that’s not appropriate”[/i] or coals-of-kindness, [i]“thank you – God bless!”[/i] in hopes of offsetting their vulgarity. But [i]all[/i]of you said that it resulted in these feelings:[/size][/font][/color]

[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3]- humiliated[/size][/font][/color]
[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3]- ashamed[/size][/font][/color]
[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3]- angry
- helpless
- scared
- taken advantage of
- hateful
- unsafe
- belittled/objectified
- intimidated[/size][/font][/color]

[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3]On top of this, [b]if you’re a woman who has been sexually assaulted or abused, even a series of honks or a vulgar shout can feel like knives scraping the raw flesh of your heart.[/b] There are women who may find it a compliment, and others often tell us to[i]“smell of elderberries it up and understand that you’re just an attractive woman,”[/i] – but this only serves to echo the devastating voice of, [i]“this is your fault”[/i] or [i]“stop bothering us with your imaginary problems”[/i] that we’ve heard after rape, molestation, infidelity, abandonment, or any experience where we have been hurt badly as a woman.[/size][/font][/color]

[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3][b]Note:[/b][i] It doesn’t take rape or extreme sexual assault to experience physical or emotional pain because of a man. Being hurt by men can come from our fathers, brothers, community, guy friends, boyfriends, a bad breakup, anywhere. And they may not have been malicious about it. If you feel like your heart is overly sensitive, accept it and own it. You were created with that heart for a very intentional purpose, and it is GOOD.[/i][/size][/font][/color]

[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3]Clinically, depression is often described as anger or severe disappointment turned inwards. [b]If we are angry at one man, certain men, or all men[/b] – particularly in relationships where we have not been able to express our anger or hurt [i]to[/i] them – [b]street harassment can be an instant trigger for depression and any of the coping mechanisms we are relying on[/b]. This means that if you are beating yourself up for having such a strong emotional response to a cat-call on the street, [i]I will hold your hand and say that it’s okay, and that you are [b]not [/b]a weak woman[/i]. You are simply a hurt woman. And hurt is [b]not[/b] synonymous with weak.[/size][/font][/color]

[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3]Street harassment is something I battle with weekly as a young woman living in Los Angeles. My friend Rhiannon told me recently, [i]“As a 24 year old married woman, I’m afraid to walk down my street. I’m afraid of getting the honks, catcalls, and stares I get when go for a jog at the park. Living in a tiny apartment in LA with my husband, with no balcony, or terrace to speak of, leaves me longing for just some time outdoors. But I become a prisoner of my home because I am terrified of walking down to the park down our street. Even if I wear baggy clothes, I’m scared some man will stop me, or stare at me, and it would be all my fault for dressing this way, for putting lust in his heart.”[/i][/size][/font][/color]

[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3]I don’t have the answer, but I have two thoughts, and I covet your opinions, stories, feelings, suggestions, revelations, comforts that you have on the subject. So please comment![/size][/font][/color]

[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3]There seem to be two parts to handling street harassment:[/size][/font][/color]

[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3][b]1. Responding externally (to men).[/b] [url="http://www.ihollaback.org/resources/responding-to-harassers/"]ihollaback.org[/url] recommends responding with clear, declarative statements, such as, “Stop ________” and “Do not whistle at me.” I personally am scared of responding to men and having them become violent, but sometimes “just taking it” puts us again in the place of the voiceless victim, and does additional damage to our hearts. [i]What do you do, or say?[/i][/size][/font][/color]

[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3][b]2. Responding internally (to ourselves).[/b] I feel angry and taken advantage of. I remember jokes that men I’ve cared about have made, implying that all I’m good for is sex. My skin crawls. My posture changes. I feel objectified. And I feel worthless. BUT. I need to start paying more attention to what “truths” I passively accept in the moment: [i] ”All men are animals,” “I hate men,” “all men want from me is sex,” “all I’m good for is sex,” “I hate being a woman sometimes,[/i]” and on and on. Sometimes they’re just feelings, but I want to try to put words to them. Knowing how to identify feelings and emotions is invaluable.[/size][/font][/color]

[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3][b]Passively agreeing[/b] (which is what happens unless you identity the False thought and consciously counteract it with a True thought)[b] means we begin to accept truths into our worldview, our perspective, and our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us – without realizing it[/b]. It’s kind of like throwing a party, letting every person on the street walk in, and then looking around and saying, “[i]but I didn’t invite any of them to my party!!”[/i][/size][/font][/color]

[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3]As women who have had our boundaries broken and crossed by men in the past, we often let all of these negative thoughts and feelings in, believing we don’t have the right or ability to stop them.[b] The goal is to re-build our mental and emotional boundaries so that they stop at the front door on their own, before they scrape at our hearts.[/b] [i]But we have to re-create the door that was destroyed, in order to keep them out.[/i][/size][/font][/color]

[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3]Every time I feel taken advantage or made worthless by a crude gesture or cat-call on the street, I subconsciously agree to what that man is communicating, unless I consciously disagree. [i]Even though I would tell you that I’m not ‘just good for sex,’ and that my husband wants me for things other than sex, I still feel taken advantage of, simply because other men want to behave that way – and up until this point, I’ve felt helpless to fight this feeling.[/i] So, I’m making a commitment to myself to start paying close attention to what I think and feel every time I’m whistled at and called names. And to fight those thoughts with truth about who I am, what I’m worth, what my husband believes of me, and what God says about me.[/size][/font][/color]

[color=#555555][font=helvetica][size=3][b][i]What will you be doing? How do you respond to men? What thoughts go through your head when you’re cat-called? Do you feel helpless? What truths, statements, or verses do you fight your thoughts with?[/i][/b][/size][/font][/color]

Edited May 17, 2012 by Lil Red

[MissyP89]

Disjointed thoughts below...

I feel scared. I can remember keeping my eyes down, simply because if I don't see anyone checking me out, I don't feel afraid. Or disgusted. Or angry. Mostly angry.

Sometimes I get ticked getting dressed in the morning. It drives me nuts that I have to stand in front of the mirror and scrutinize myself, wondering if I am doing my part – dressing modestly – well enough.

It's hard to shake the feeling that if someone catcalls you, somehow it's your fault. I know intellectually it's not, but it's extremely difficult not to second-guess myself.

One day not too long ago a guy was staring at me at an intersection when I was driving to work. I made a point of blasting the radio and rocking out ... just being silly. I try to make it overly clear that they're not going to get an ounce of attention.

I just want to be able to look and feel good about my body in public without worry.

Know what I mean?

[AnneLine]

Oh wow, does this resonate with me. I can remember as a teen & young woman having the cat calls, having a 'barker' in front of a club ask me if I had ever considered erotic dancing in his club (the look I gave him probably immobilized his 'equipment' for some time....) ... and I hated the cat calls and the looks, then and now.. I don't think it is about what we wear..... I think it is about what is in some people's heads.... and they are to be pitied and prayed for... but we cannot let them pray UPON us. But not sure how to do that....

I remember the morning my 70+ year old mother called me, totally upset and in tears, to tell me she had been woken up by a guy who called her in the middle of the night to enquire, "Will you talk to me while I mas___ate?" After I calmed her down, I told her I had gotten a call from the same guy (her name was next to mine in the phone book) and that he must have had a bad night, because not only did he get her, her got me, and I had been up praying (yeah, I was a night owl then, too, and said on autopilot 'no, but I'll be happy to pray for you." and he just hung up. She started laughing and said, "I'll try that if I get one of those again!" Iprobably wouldn't have had the nerve to do it had I not just been curled up with God at that moment... but I do think it was an inspired response....

It doesn't honor me as a woman (and I think I am a beautiful woman, then & now) when some guy just sees me for my body. I like to think I am attractive... but there is so much more to attraction than just my body. I've also had women do the same thing to me, and it makes me equally feel yucky. It demeans the guy or woman more than it does me, but it leaves me feeling 'gritty' somehow, even though I had nothing to do with it... as if their projection left a smudgy imprint or something....

Our society is so hyper-sexualized, that it is hard to see ourselves as beautiful when men (or women) do this to people.

A related thought..... when i was in counseling school, in my abnormal psych class, when we got to the whole abnormal sense of body image thing (which is a factor in anorexia and/or bulemia), she asked the trainee counselors question... "how many of you like your bodies when you look in the mirror?" I stuck up my hand.... and was horrified to realize I was the ONLY hand raised in the room. And the irony is, I'm moderately heavy, and most of the people in that room were downright gorgious! She looked a bit startled, too. what came out of that discussion was either that people thought they were too fat, thin, unattractive, overly attractive to the wrong sort of guy/gal, etc. There is something WRONG with how our society 'looks' at each other... and I don't know what we can do to change it....

Thoughts?

Edited May 17, 2012 by AnneLine

[missionseeker]

I feel like I could write a book, or at least a chapter in response to this. It's taken me a good ten years to be able to deal with it - part of that is my own baggage and hurt that I had to deal with and part of that is just that catcalls smell of elderberries.

I think that the worst was about four years ago when I switched schools because of a stalker and then came here. And worked in a kitchen. At first I HATED every single guy there. All guys, actually - for all the stuff any guy had ever done to me. I almost quit my job because of one guy. But I stood my ground. And FINALLY learned to speak up. To the whistles, I responded "I'm not a dog. I'm not going to come when you whistle and I don't appreciate it" gave them a nasty look and walked away. When someone went to grab me, I either hit them, or slid away before he could. Eventually they all stopped. It was the first time in my life guys had ever just stopped. I don't think they had really ever met a female who didn't put up with the croutons. After a while we would have genuine discussions about it at work. Usually they would start like "why do you always get upset when I do that? I'm just giving you a compliment!" or "why you always freak out when I sneak up and give you a hug."

From these conversations I realized that most guys really have no clue at all what they are doing to us. I explained a lot about the idea of intimidation. Why it's not ok for a guy (that I know and love) to sneak up behind me and grab me (because I would NOT perceive it as hug) when he's a foot+ taller than I and close to 200lbs heavier. Why whistling, pointing, gawking, etc. isn't a compliment. I pointed out that walking through a grocery store is uncomfortable because the guys just stare or gawk or make cat calls.

Now, i've learned that it's best for me to ignore it. If it's obvious and awful, I'll call a guy out. But for the most part, for me, if I don't respond with an eyeroll and move on, I get caught in the negative feelings of I hate men and spend a lot of physical, emotional, and psychological energy on something that shouldn't bother me so much.


I also try to realize that it's not just men. I know that I for one am guilty of seeing a nice looking guy and turning to my girl friends and going "well dayum" and it's the same thing. I really try not to do that and for the most part succeed but sometimes, it helps me to remember that guys are NOT the only ones guilty of this. Especially now, it's also quite common for girls to be JUST as disgusting when looking at/talking to men.

[Basilisa Marie]

I've trained myself to take it as a compliment as a coping mechanism, because otherwise I'd have to deal with feeling skeezed-out every single day on the way to work or class (yay for living across the street from a large construction project, and having work shifts that start during their lunch hour). It was worse when the university was in session, because at least now that it's summer cars don't honk at me.

I think there's an inherent difference between when men cat-call women and women make comments about men. Sure, it's a very similar sin internally, but the effects are different. When women get cat-called, it's accompanied by a feeling of powerlessness, because most of us know that if the guys who do the calling wanted to, they could probably jump us. I don't think men experience that part of it.

But I also think that missionseeker has a good point - most men don't have any idea how degrading it can feel to be cat-called by strange (older, mostly) men I don't know. In a strange and twisted way, it makes me value my good, strong, platonic relationships that I have with young men that are striving for Christian holiness. It's those men that remind me that the skeezy ones just don't know any better. Not that it excuses skeeziness. But it makes it easier to deal with.

[Lil Red]

i think skeezy ones know better because when you call them out on their behavior (or better, when another guy calls them on it), they are ashamed/embarrassed/etc.

[BG45]

I usually walk with my eyes downcast to avoid having a look misinterpreted as being something it's not.

[quote name='Basilisa Marie' timestamp='1337290813' post='2431868']
But I also think that missionseeker has a good point - most men don't have any idea how degrading it can feel to be cat-called by strange (older, mostly) men I don't know. In a strange and twisted way, it makes me value my good, strong, platonic relationships that I have with young men that are striving for Christian holiness. It's those men that remind me that the skeezy ones just don't know any better. Not that it excuses skeeziness. But it makes it easier to deal with.
[/quote]

I've been in female correctional facilities for university-related purposes, trust me when I say I'm all too aware of what it can be like, at least in that setting, to be seen as nothing but a piece of meat. Like you said though, that sort of thing makes me value all the wonderful platonic relationships I have with women.

[AnneLine]

I thnk they know better... but they also don't know to DO better. Sometimes they are just apeing the apes around them... sometimes they don't know how else to let us know we are seen. But it is a horrible feeling, and I don't know how to get the message across to them.....

[arfink]

I've never seen a guy do that to a woman before.

I do have an interesting story about a nighclub barker though:

When I was in seminary our freshman class took a trip to New Orleans to go on mission. Every freshman class did this mission trip. Our rector was very fond of some of the places in town, and one evening he took the entire crew out to dinner. We went from the convent we were being boarded in to the restaurant on foot, right down the middle of Bourbon street in the evening time.

We passed a number of gay clubs and such where people just stared at us, a long line of young men in khakis and polo shirts following a portly but enthusiastic priest. One barker wasn't really paying that much attention, just yelling and shouting about "WE GOT HOT FOOD, HOT WOMEN, COLD DRINKS... AND HOT DAM WE GOT THE KHAKI pantaloons BRIGADE! HOLY S@#IT LOOK AT ALL THEM KHAKI pantaloons! ...." He just kept yammering as we walked past, just ignoring him. We got some good laughs out it.

[missionseeker]

[quote name='Basilisa Marie' timestamp='1337290813' post='2431868']
I've trained myself to take it as a compliment as a coping mechanism, because otherwise I'd have to deal with feeling skeezed-out every single day on the way to work or class (yay for living across the street from a large construction project, and having work shifts that start during their lunch hour). It was worse when the university was in session, because at least now that it's summer cars don't honk at me.

I think there's an inherent difference between when men cat-call women and women make comments about men. Sure, it's a very similar sin internally, but the effects are different. When women get cat-called, it's accompanied by a feeling of powerlessness, because most of us know that if the guys who do the calling wanted to, they could probably jump us. I don't think men experience that part of it.

But I also think that missionseeker has a good point - most men don't have any idea how degrading it can feel to be cat-called by strange (older, mostly) men I don't know. In a strange and twisted way, it makes me value my good, strong, platonic relationships that I have with young men that are striving for Christian holiness. It's those men that remind me that the skeezy ones just don't know any better. Not that it excuses skeeziness. But it makes it easier to deal with.
[/quote]

EXACTLY.





[size=2]Although construction arms are my weakness..... [/size]
















[size=2][/size]

[Lil Red]

[quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1337291415' post='2431874']
I thnk they know better... but they also don't know to DO better. Sometimes they are just apeing the apes around them... sometimes they don't know how else to let us know we are seen. But it is a horrible feeling, and I don't know how to get the message across to them.....
[/quote]
agreed, which is why i think it's even more important to have men tell men to knock it off.

[Edward Palamar]

The prayer of St. Ephraim contains a petition to be free from idle chatter, not only as recipient.

[MissyP89]

mea culpa

Edited May 17, 2012 by MissyP89

[PhuturePriest]

This is a really wonderful thread that helps us men to realize how degrading and hurtful a simple glance or call can be to women. I never got bad enough to do "cat calls" but I most certainly did used to look quite a bit, and this thread helps me realize how bad I must have made women feel when I used to do those things. I've gotten a few looks myself before, and though I unfortunately took it as a compliment at the time, I cannot now imagine how bad it must be to be looked at constantly like you're a fish in an aquarium, constantly being judged and belittled as a simple tool made for sexual pleasure. Though this position seems a tad unpopular, I think modesty is one of the solutions (Though I don't think you should go too far. Being covered up like a Taliban is a bit impractical), but ultimately I think [i]the[/i] solution is for men to be true men and women to be true women. We must all see each other as sons and daughters of God and respect each other in this manner.

*Note* I really, really tried my absolute best with this post. I hope it didn't offend anyone in any way.

[AnneLine]

You did a good job of writing respectfully. Thank you.