Update

[the171]

I went to the ER today. I had an attack in Chemistry. It lasted for over an hour. I had had another one Tuesday night. Symptoms started presenting themselves in mass then it really began when I was at bible study. At the ER today, the doc diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder. It's only getting worse. I don't know what to do. I am praying more. I am offering up my sufferings for priests and for souls. I am not asking for consolation, but only detachment. But I am becoming only more attached to Lafayette. I have to detatch myself so I can figure things out, but I can't. I am so scared. The Xanax isn't working. None of the medicine the doc has prescribed has helped. Now I can't even help out with middle school ministry because they are worried that I will have an attack at the events. I feel so useless. I have been brushed off to the side. I know that God is using this to remind me that I must become meek and humble. But I am complaining and failing so much. I am constantly living in this fear that I will have another attack. My school is in the middle of finals. This isnt helping! I already have so much on my plate, and now all of this?!?? I am not strong enough to persevere in religious life. This proves it. If I can't control this, how can I control my interior life? I can't do anything. I am useless. I am so scared. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[LaPetiteSoeur]

Oh, honey, it will all be ok. You've got school (and high school is stressful), and retreat ministry, and so many other things on your plate. Take tomorrow off and just rest. Don't wake up early, just sleep until you wake up. Sickness doesn't mean that God is trying to show you to be meek and humble. Sickness is natural, and these types of attacks are telling you how to slow down. God wants you to relax.

I"ll be praying for you.

[the171]

[quote name='LaPetiteSoeur' timestamp='1335486110' post='2423748']
Oh, honey, it will all be ok. You've got school (and high school is stressful), and retreat ministry, and so many other things on your plate. Take tomorrow off and just rest. Don't wake up early, just sleep until you wake up. Sickness doesn't mean that God is trying to show you to be meek and humble. Sickness is natural, and these types of attacks are telling you how to slow down. God wants you to relax.

I"ll be praying for you.
[/quote]

We have a retreat the weekend after next. Mrs. T might not let me do the middle school retreat. If I can't do that, how am I supposed to be on core team anymore? I am useless. I can't plan events, I can't staff. What can I do? Nothing.

[LaPetiteSoeur]

[quote name='the171' timestamp='1335486592' post='2423749']
We have a retreat the weekend after next. Mrs. T might not let me do the middle school retreat. If I can't do that, how am I supposed to be on core team anymore? I am useless. I can't plan events, I can't staff. What can I do? Nothing.
[/quote]

You. can. do. anything. Let time decide; you have two weeks until the retreat. Your doctors will be able to help you.

A few years ago, I had a similar situation. I started seeing spots in my vision; sometimes they got so bad I couldn't go to school. After one eye exam, the doctors wanted me to get MRIs and EEGs to make sure I didn't have a brain tumor. After that, I was sent to Philadelphia for more eye exams to determine if it was a problem with my eyes. I was so worried; I wanted to be a sister, but who would accept someone who could have a tumor?

It was all for naught. Everything turned out ok. I reduced my stress load and it was fine. I'm sure Mrs. T and the core team understand that you are on medical leave now. Medical issues happen to everyone, and it will get better.

Message me if you want to talk.

[beatitude]

Why can't you still go on retreat and be on the core team?

I suffered from a chronic anxiety disorder for years, and although I no longer meet diagnostic criteria I still have quite an anxious temperament. Anxiety attacks, as frightening as they seem, will not kill you. Nor will they cause you to hurt people around you. You're not at any risk to yourself, you're not contagious, there is no reason for you not to participate in these events unless they are hurting you in some way.

You will need to make a few adjustments, such as identifying a quiet place where you can go if you experience a panic attack. You could write down and laminate a list of things that help to keep in your purse. You can show this list to people if you have an attack and aren't able to tell them what you need them to do at the time. There are simple and practical ways to manage anxiety. Right now this is all very new and frightening, but soon you will understand your condition better and you will be able to look after yourself.

Finally, try not to see personal failings in psychological symptoms. It's easy to confuse the feelings of dread and loathing with signs that you're just a bad weak person. You are feeling like this because your biochemistry is currently a bit wonky, not because there is anything bad or weak about you. You wouldn't describe yourself as useless if you had broken your legs, would you?

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

God has BIG plans for you my dear. We hardly ever understand them. Just when we think He wants us to go one direction, He shows us another way. Don't worry about Laffy. You have several years until you can even enter. You need to fix what is wrong, and not worry about what will be going on in a few years. For all we know, things could be totally different in year. Just be silent and listen, but don't get frustrated when you can't hear anything. God won't give you anything you can't handle, and trust me, I am ALWAYS reminding myself that, and I wish he did not think I was so strong.

You know I am there if you need me. Hang in there, and I am praying for you with my day, every day.

[the171]

I meant to say the weekend after this weekend. But i also wanted to say next weekend so they got mixed. I just can't be on medical leave. I MUST give these kids everything I have because someone did that for me once. This isnt just a possibility. It's a reality now... I hate it. I will accept this suffering and offer it up for souls, but I cannot say that I love it. I know. "you have to take time for yourself." but I just can't.

[Maggyie]

You have a very serious anxiety disorder. I also have an anxiety disorder. Medication can only do so much and after a while it doesn't work very well. If you are taking it often enough, sometimes it stops working. You need to see a therapist immediately. The therapist will give you the tools you need to help you get away from the fear that is ruling you right now.

I posted on Phatmass in the midst of my anxiety (2010) and my posts sound a lot like yours. Hopeless, panic-stricken, didn't know what to do.

Can you talk to your parents- Someone, anyone who will get you in to see a doctor who does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? You deserve to have help. You are not useless. That is what the disorder is telling you. That is what it does, it convinces you that you need to be constantly alert waiting for the next disaster/attack and that if the attack comes, you can't handle it. You can handle it. You are handling it the best way you know how. With the right tool kit you will handle it even BETTER.

[the171]

Its not Laffy I am worrying about. It's core team! The reason she might not let me go is because she feels that if I have an attack around the kids, they will get scared. It's also because she is worried that there will be more of a likelihood of an attack.

[the171]

We're trying to contact a counseling service.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

[quote name='the171' timestamp='1335488418' post='2423765']
Its not Laffy I am worrying about. It's core team! The reason she might not let me go is because she feels that if I have an attack around the kids, they will get scared. It's also because she is worried that there will be more of a likelihood of an attack.
[/quote]
Okay, I see. Sorry, misunderstood.

[quote name='the171' timestamp='1335488504' post='2423766']
We're trying to contact a counseling service.
[/quote]
Good.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

OH, and sleep all day tomorrow.

[BigJon16]

"Pray hope, and don't worry."


Everything is in God's hands.



The other day, I saw a man walking his little puppy down the road. When he went to cross the street, he picked up the puppy into his arms and carried her across. You see, the intersection was too dangerous for the puppy cross on her own with him, and so he carried her.

When the man picked up the puppy, the puppy had no choice but to stop what she was doing--walking on her own and all--and let herself be carried by the man.

I think God has to do that with us, sometimes. Every now and then, in our walk with Christ, we face large intersections, intersections where He knows that we are better off being carried rather than trying to get across by ourselves. He knows that the crossing is dangerous, and so he picks us up.

But when this happens, we have to stop what we are doing, we have to stop walking on our own feet. Like the puppy, we have to stop "sniffing at that light post, or barking at the other dog down the street."


And you know what the beautiful part about it was? When the puppy got set down on the other side of the road, she was faced with a whole new are to explore and "do stuff" in! Back on the first side of the street, she could've never imagined how amazing this new side was going to be, even though she was perfectly happy with the old side.

Her owner wanted her to go forward, into a new area.



I think God has some really great things coming for you, in the time ahead!! For now, do as the puppy did, sit back, relax, and enjoy the warmth of you Father's loving arms.



I am praying for you!!

[the171]

Thank you, BigJon. I needed to read that. I had forgotten that "little way."

[MissScripture]

[quote name='the171' timestamp='1335488047' post='2423760']
I meant to say the weekend after this weekend. But i also wanted to say next weekend so they got mixed. I just can't be on medical leave. I MUST give these kids everything I have because someone did that for me once. This isnt just a possibility. It's a reality now... I hate it. I will accept this suffering and offer it up for souls, but I cannot say that I love it. I know. "you have to take time for yourself." but I just can't.
[/quote]
First of all, prayers for you!
Secondly, don't forget that prayer is powerful. If you can't physically go on this retreat, you can still pray. Pray for the kids. Pray for the team and pray for God's will to be done.