Completely Open Before Marriage?

[Guest Jon]

I am planning on getting married in October to a girl who is a strong Catholic. We both share the faith. One of the issues that has come up in the past and again recently was our sexual history. She had had sex before with someone she dated for an extended period of time. I had not had a similar experience and felt hurt by this that I was bringing something to the relationship that she could not. When I asked her further questions about things she had done in the past, she said that she didn’t think it was necessary to tell every sort of experience and that the important thing is that she is faithful to our relationship now. I feel put out by this and want to know more of the details since I know that I was completely honest with her about the limited stuff I have done. Yet, I know that her other qualities and who she is as a person greatly outweigh this negative and I don’t know whether it is worthy to press the issue. In any case, what would you recommend that I do? Is it wrong to want to know? Should I feel comfortable? Am I being Catholic to her?

[Adeodatus]

First of all Jon, congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

[quote]Am I being Catholic to her?[/quote]

I thought this, in particular, is such a good question! This is what the heart of your relationship should be: to be Catholic to each other! I'm glad you understand this Jon, because it will help you to understand what I'm going to say.

I hope the fact that you're a virgin and she's not doesn't make you think you're superior, or she's not bringing as much into this marriage as you are. People make mistakes, and people can be sorry for those mistakes and repent.

You say your fiancee has had a sexual relationship before. That relationship didn't last, and it wasn't marriage. So the sex part of it was a lie (in a sense). She may have thought at the time that this previous relationship was a mutual, exclusive, life-long partnership. Because it wasn't marriage, her previous sexual relationship was a case of trying to say, 'I love you and give myself to you' but ending up lying. She regrets it now, and you can understand why she doesn't want to talk about it. She's repentant and God has forgiven her. Would there be much sense in stirring things now?

Look at yourself, and ask yourself what it is that upsets you.
1. Does her previous sexual relationship make you feel less loved? Because she didn't 'save' herself for you like you did for her?
She didn't know you then, so what happened wasn't done out of spite, or a lack of love for you. You must be careful not to dwell on this, or let it fester inside your soul. Can you really doubt that she loves you? She may not want to talk about her previous experience because THAT was not the real thing, and her love for you NOW is! The previous relationship is irrelevant to your relationship now.

2. Does the fact that she doesn't want to talk about it make you think she's not being transparent in this relationship? And therefore doesn't love you enough?
Couples share a life together, but that doesn't mean they have to know every little detail. Some things aren't important. And others, even if important, we don't automatically have a right to know. You must respect her right to privacy in certain matters, as she has to respect yours.

3. Ask yourself why you "want to know more of the details". Is it because you feel jealous you're not going to be her 'first'? Or is it out of an unhealthy desire to know?
We ought to be discreet about sexual matters and not inquire unnecessarily or too deeply (because they are so personal, and because we don't know the limits of our strength in these matters---certain unhealthy knowledge could fuel our imagination).
And as for possibly being jealous, that's probably a usual kind of response, especially from men.
Put yourself in her shoes: if you weren't a virgin and she was. Do you think her knowing what you got up to and with whom would help her? Do you think it would deepen her confidence in your love for her if she knew about your previous partner(s)? Probably not. In fact, it would make your relationship worse.

Put your doubts out of your mind and heart. Learn to really love and cherish your fiancee, and pray for the strength to do so. Pray that your marriage will show the world the faithfulness of Christ to His bride, the Church.

St Ambrose calls the Church "casta meretrix", the chaste whore. The Church is like a whore because of her many sins and her unfaithfulness, but now that Christ has espoused her, He cleanses her with the water and blood flowing from His side. He makes the Church virginal again. The whore becomes His virigin bride. Think of the love of Christ for your fiancee, and also for you. You may be a virgin with respect to your body, but with respect to your soul you are (like me and the rest of us) a whore. God forgives and cherishes us. Cherish and love your girlfriend, and pray for God's grace to help you love her like God does.

May the Lord bless you both, and give you joy!