My Grandmother's Death

[Dave]

Some of you may remember me saying that my grandmother died back in March. Well, I've realized that I still feel quite a bit of pain about her passing. I hope y'all don't mind me bringing this up; I really need to talk to someone about it . . .

My grandmother was 92; in fact, had she lived just a few more weeks, she would've been 93. She had been in a nursing home for almost 4 years, and she was totally not there mentally. She couldn't do anything for herself either. In fact, most days either my mom or my dad (she was my dad's mother) went to the nursing home most days to feed her at lunchtime. Even worse, she wouldn't eat solid food; they had to blenderize it like baby food! She was the only one in the nursing home who had to have her food done like that. It was so tragic to see her that way, and so I couldn't help but wish God would hurry up and take her. However, when He did, I was devastated! I mean, although my grandmother was just a shell of her former self, she was still the same person who used to tell stories about her childhood, advise me in my dilemmas, cook WONDERFULLY, was scared to death of snakes, laugh at my grandfather's wisecracks (back when he was still alive), cared for my grandfather (who had Alzheimer's) up until his death, etc.

I was really close to her, closer to her than I was to my grandfather, in fact. The reason for that is because, as I said earlier, my grandfather had Alzheimer's, and he lacked his mental faculties for so long and died 11 years before she did. Thus, I had more of an opportunity to be close to her.

Since her death, I've coped pretty well for the most part. However, there are days (such as today) in which I start to really feel sad. Actually, I feel that way whenever I go to the cemetery. My grandparents are buried under a twin headstone, and for so long the side of the stone that belonged to my grandmother showed her birth date but not her death date, since, of course, she was still alive. But now it shows her death date, and it's just a painful reminder that she's gone.

I know she's in a better place now (even if she's in purgatory -- purgatory, despite the suffering there, has got to be better than earth), but I miss her so. I miss my grandfather too. I hope they know what's been going on in my life, and I hope they're proud of me. It would've been amesome if they could've been there to see me get a job, get married, have kids, etc.

There's also a lot of anger as well. My grandmother has 4 surviving half-sisters (all her full siblings are dead), all of whom are younger than she is. It seems like they never really made any effort to have a relationship with her! I mean, one lived close by, and they were quite close. However, the other 3, who lived out of town, whenever they came to town, they'd go to visit the other half-sister, but they almost never went to see my grandmother! They never really kept in touch either; the last time I saw any of them were when my grandfather died. Of course, I saw them again when my grandmother died. They never came to see her when she was in the nursing home, either. My grandmother deserved so much better than that! I'm actually crying now; it upsets me so!

[Lil Red]

davejc, I'm really sorry to hear that you are so distressed. When my grandfather passed away, it hit me hard - but I wasn't very close to him. So I can only image what you must be going through. Please keep knowing that your grandparents are in a better place, and keep praying for them, too!

As far as your grandmother's sisters, you don't know how sickness or grief affected them. I'm not excusing their behavior, I'm just saying you don't know what went on in their lives at the time. Maybe they didn't know how to deal with her sickness, maybe they didn't want to see her like that, or maybe they truly didn't care. Pray for them, too. They need it.

And davejc, I'll be praying for you, too. It always hurts when loved ones pass away. And there are no words for the sorrow you feel. Just know that if you reach out a hand for help, someone will reach a hand to you to help.

"Those we hold most dear never truly leave us. They live on in the kindnesses they showed, the comfort they shared, and the love they brought into our lives."

--Isabel Norton

"I know now what I must do. Find you within me, you who have died and left me, and face you and your leaving, and hold you with me long enough, this time, to say my own good-bye to you in my own way, taking as long as I need to take."

--Alla Bozarth-Campbell

Edited August 18, 2003 by llrddvl@stpius

[IcePrincessKRS]

Dave, I'm so sorry to see you upset. I wish there were something I could say to comfort you, but I feel at a loss for words that will be adequate. Know that you and your family--all of your family, even the dear departed members--are in my prayers. And, even though I can't offer words enough for comfort, I can offer one thing other than prayers....

****** BIG HUGS******

[inDEED]

My prayers are with you, man...

Gimme a holler on AOL IM if you need to chat...

ONLYinDEED

[Qamidalash]

^more prayers. Phatfam is here for you, man!! ::hugshugshugs::

Stay strong in the Lord; maybe talking to him about your pain will help...

in Him,

Sarah

[cmotherofpirl]

I will trade hugs with you Dave. I have had one of those days as well.

[Carrie]

Dave, I'm sorry that you are feeling so down.

Know that we are here for you!

[gopherball33]

Dave, I was going through some of my stuff the other dy and I found a card that was on flowers at my great-grandma's funeral. It made me remember her, and I missed her in a way similar to what you described except for the half-sisters part. I feel for you, man. You got my prayers.

[Ash Wednesday]

I'm praying for you my friend. My grandmother died in 1990 -- my last living grandparent, and the one I was closest to. I was only 14 at the time, but you know, some days to this day I still sense her watching over me and it makes me cry.

Allow yourself some time to grieve, it's ok. Take care.

[Donna]

Dave, I loved my little Grandma (Dad's mom), even tho' she lived far, far away.

My Dad died when I was a teenager, and long before I was willing to straighten out. Now there is a son-in-law and 7 grandchildren he has never met. I often think of him, hoping he can see that I turned out OK. I know he'd especially adore our little girls. It's so painful, I do know.

Time helps...may God grant you that time.

My Grandma that is still living, I feel so bad I'm not close to her, tho' we've gotten to be more so. It's a real pain that I cannot, literally, visit her in the assisted living home. For a few years she said I couldn't bring the children (no room, lots of breakables); since then (she's ok now w/ bringing the children), something always goes wrong. She's in a different town. Then, I'd want to write her but Mom told me she hangs onto cards no matter what, and there's no room for them. Thwarted at every turn! Maybe it's the same for the half sisters. God reward you for your compassion.

Pray to your Grandma. Talk to her. Pray for her.

My Grandma was so little and had a deep, deep voice. I only saw her about 15 times in my life, when we'd visit every two years.

"Ohhhh Pumpkin," she'd say, rumaging around her little kitchen, "Have some bacon, and nice strawberries and cream."

And I'd freak! Cause I loved that! And my little Grandma, I love her so.

P.S. I can't visit her tomb - it's 500 miles away. My dad didn't have a tomb; I wish I could visit his grave. But I'm sure I would be sad if I did. Hey...do you pray the rosary? How about "increase our hope" on those first 3 Hail Mary's?

[littleflower+JMJ]

im so sorry that your feeling down! but i can also say that you were very blest to have fond memories of your grandmother....i had 2 sets of grandparents, but i was only blest to know one of them, my grandfather, when i lost him, it was devastating because he was the only one i knew. all my other grandparents were deceased by the time i was born so i never got to meet them and know them.....i lost him when i was a young girl, and not really understanding that he was "gone" i named my guardian angel after him to always remind me of him and that he was still around...

i always wished i had a grandma that so many others speak of, even if they were just memories, i would be happy, but i only have pictures and they don't do much. i feel ya though dave, at times, when i think of my grandpa i'll just start crying cuz i miss him soooo much ya know?

but then i pray and know and remember that his in a better place now. out of all our relatives and aunts and uncles, my grandpa was the only one who really cared about my family....so now i am comforted that he now can truly take care of us....

keep your chin up and your smile glowing, and most importantly keep your grandma proud, she can see you from heaven ya know, and i know she must be mighty proud and honored to have a grandson like you....

God BLess!

+JMJ

and don't forget your phamily is here for you

[Good Friday]

Dave, I want you to know that I'm praying for you, which is really the best I can do since there's no advice I can really offer to make you feel better. Grieving takes time, and there really isn't any solution to it. It goes when it goes.

I can relate to what you're feeling, though. I'm in a similar situation. I was very close to my grandmother growing up, closer to her than anyone else in my family besides my mother. Like you, I can remember the stories she used to tell about her childhood, about Mommy Fields (my great-grandmother) in Virginia. I can remember her amesome cooking. Although I wasn't alive, I know that she cared for my mom when she was a little girl and immobile due to surgery she had for scoliosis. She was the strongest, wisest, greatest person I've ever known, and I suppose she still is of course... but she's not there anymore, as I've mentioned to you, she doesn't respond to us at all anymore. I was at the nursing home visiting her yesterday, and she couldn't talk to me. She tried twice when I was about to leave, but she just couldn't form the words.

Despite the fact that she's alive, it's like she's already passed away. She doesn't move, she doesn't talk. I honestly don't even know if she thinks anymore, if she can hear us or not. Like your grandmother, she had to be on the blended food for a while. Now she can't even eat it, and they've had to put in a feeding tube. There's a small chance for some kind of improvement in her condition, the doctors say, but she's been on the medicine that could bring the improvement for several weeks now, and nothing has changed.

Even though I want her suffering to end, I know that my reaction will be similar to yours when she does pass away. That's why I'm not going to try to offer any words of comfort about a better place, or about God's will or any of that. I know that you already know that, but it doesn't help the grieving. I do promise, though, that I'll be praying for you, and for her soul.

[marielapin]

I have a situation similar to Good Friday's, with my Grandfather. I understand the suffering involved with losing a grandparent in that way. Please feel free to email me if you want to talk about it, or IM me. I'll be praying for you today.

[benedict_x]

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Its hard when you miss someone.

Take comfort in the fact that you'll see them really soon.

Till then you got the rest of us to help you tide over the loss.

The pain in this world is so very real.

But so is the joy in heaven.

[Dave]

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