Disappointment In Discernment

[StClare_OraProNobis]

Any else here experience a lot of disappointment when the results of your discernment were not what you had hoped for? Any advice for how to move on? In particular in my circumstance I was in the convent for nearly 2 years and then had to leave for health reasons and have been told clearly that I do not have a religious vocation. Makes me wonder for what purpose I am here at all if God does not want the highest level of intimacy possible with me.

Edited December 30, 2011 by StClare_OraProNobis

[AccountDeleted]

Wow - you are going to get a LOT of responses to this one! I will let some others post first. I need to think about my response first. While I think, you have my prayers as well.....

[StClare_OraProNobis]

Thanks so much nunsense!

[cmaD2006]

I'm on my cell phone typing otherwise I'd post more. I will tomorrow.

Hang in there. Yes I know where you're coming from. I've entered twice and my last experience was not a pleasant one. I spent a whole year and a half after leaving in a sort of spiritual-emotional-psychological abyss. It was really tough. And yep more than once did I pray "I wished I never was born" (or any of the other trains of thoughts.)

Find someone to talk to ... a trusted spiritual friend, a priest, maybe a psychologist, etc. It helps to have someone there for the tough times. There is light at the end of the darkness (and no it is not an oncoming train).

I will say an our Father, 3 hail Mary and a glory be for you tonight.

[MarysLittleFlower]

[quote name='StClare_OraProNobis' timestamp='1325226247' post='2359868']
Any else here experience a lot of disappointment when the results of your discernment were not what you had hoped for? Any advice for how to move on? In particular in my circumstance I was in the convent for nearly 2 years and then had to leave for health reasons and have been told clearly that I do not have a religious vocation. Makes me wonder for what purpose I am here at all if God does not want the highest level of intimacy possible with me.
[/quote]

dear St Clare - this does not mean that God does not wish for you to be close to Him. Maybe this is the cross to bear in this life.. I don't know, I've had a similar question as you, though I don't know for sure about my vocation. I had a fear of being rejected by God. Try to remember the Saints who were definitely close to God, but were not nuns - for example St Rose of Lima was a third order Dominican, and she tried entering a convent but God showed her it wasn't His will. St Gemma felt really called to be a Passionist, and in reading about her life it seems that this is where God was calling her, but she didn't enter the monastery. St Rita only entered the monastery later in life. There were others who were not nuns (St Frances of Rome, St Brigid, ..I think ).

Trust in God's will for you. If you want to be His so much, would He refuse? even if He wouldn't call you to a monastery.

God bless you!

Edited December 30, 2011 by MarysLittleFlower

[cmaD2006]

I would've had the post a few minutes earlier if I wasn't stuck on a tiny keyboard!

[AccountDeleted]

Okay, I’ve been thinking about my own experiences to try to find something to say about this. I too have been disappointed in discerning religious life and have also been told by different people at different times that I don’t have a vocation. I have also been told by others that I do. So the first thing I would do is to throw that particular opinion off the table. Sorry if that seems to go against the whole surrender to God’s will thing, but I don’t necessarily think that anyone else knows God’s will for you any better than you do yourself. That doesn’t mean that you do have a vocation to religious life either, it only means that you are the one who has to come to that conclusion, and if you do this yourself, rather than simply trying accept what someone else has told you, you might find more peace in the decision, rather than feelings of bitterness that will lead to despair. It makes one feel less like a ‘victim’ if we take part in our own decisions.

If your health makes it impossible to pursue religious life though, then this could be a sign that you do not have a vocation. On the other hand, many have recovered from health problems and/or found communities where these are not a bar to entering and becoming a religious. Not knowing your situation, I can only say that if you know for sure that you cannot physically live the life of a religious, than this is a reality you will have to face, but it will most likely involve the process of grieving before you will start to feel good again. This is a loss.

And even if you decide that you want to continue religious discernment with another community, the loss of this particular relationship is going to need healing first. Two years is not an insignificant amount of time to have spent in any relationship.

The second part of your post asks what purpose you have here if God doesn’t call you to that level of intimacy and you wish you had never been born. I have a few responses to this.

Suffering is one of the most effective ways I know to achieve intimacy with God! All of the saints suffered and it is their response to suffering that helped them to become so intimate with Him. Their faith in Him allowed Him to bring them closer to Him. God wants a love affair with every human soul, but He is a polite lover and will not impose Himself upon us. When we turn to him and ask him to bring us closer, then we are not only helping ourselves, but we are pleasing Him as well.

The problem is that our human nature rebels against pain and suffering – it is not ‘natural’. No, it is more of a supernatural thing because through it we can come closer to God. We all think we are happy to do penances but when it comes to accepting pain that we don’t choose, we rebel a little. We need to get from the natural loathing for pain to the supernatural understanding of what a grace it can be.

So how to get to this stage? We need God’s help of course, but first, we need to deal with the very natural grief. After a great loss, we can’t seem to help going through a process … Dr. Kubler-Ross identifies five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. Another model that I like adds after denial, the stage of combined pain/guilt. I know that I went through this after Kirk Edge – wondering what I had done wrong and feeling guilt and a sense of failure which caused great pain. This other model also includes a stage just before acceptance called upward turn/reconstruction, when one is starting to put the broken pieces of self back together again. The thing to remember is that any loss, even the loss of a dream or ideal can be devastating because we usually grieve for ‘what could have been’ as well as for what once was.

It takes time to process all the feelings that you are no doubt going through, so you have to give yourself time, and realize that you are not going to find an ‘instant answer’ to your pain. You need to deal with the different stages as you go through them and face the pain and the loss and the fears. Some people find that professional counseling helps them while others need to go it alone. You might also need medical help if your health has suffered greatly. Physical problems can also led to emotional and/or psychological problems.

After my marriage breakup, I went through grief counseling, but after leaving the last Carmel, I retreated to spend eight months alone as a hermit in the bush so I could be alone with God. I knew that Jesus was my companion in suffering, and I meditated on His Passion and Crucifixion to help me understand a little better what I was going through spiritually and emotionally. We are all different so you will need to find what is helpful for you in the healing process.

The thing is that disappointment can be a great gift from God, even though our human nature rebels at the very idea of such a thing. Only the great saints can really ask for pain and suffering because they know that behind that is also an opportunity. For us mere mortals, we rely on time to heal us, friends to support us, prayer to strengthen us (our own and others), and hope that when we finally pass through the pain, we will one day feel that life is worth living again.

Because sometimes depression is just anger turned inwards, it can also help to get angry at God if you need let go of some of the pain (He can take it). It acknowledges that He is with us, He is listening and that He really does care. When we are hurt, sometimes we want to hurt someone else, and He is the closest (and the safest), so sometimes we blame Him. But our anger is really only pain and hurt at a loss, and what we really want is to be comforted, so when all the anger has finally expended itself, and we feel totally empty inside, then there is some room for God to come in and fill us again.
You want intimacy with God? This is your opportunity to jump into it. How much He loves you to
let you go through this. It sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? But honestly, it’s true. Let your faith in Him take root in your soul and blossom. Talk to Him and share with Him everything that you feel. Ask Him the very things that you ask others… ‘How can I deal with this?”

What I know for sure is that my faith is so much stronger now than it was when I first started discerning in 2006. I still face possible disappointments but I know now that whatever happens, Jesus is there with me every step of the way, loving me and caring for me more than I possibly imagine. God loves each one of us this way, on a personal and intimate level, and when bad things happen to us then we need to turn that around by trusting in Him and letting Him make it all better.

Just think of a child hurting herself and the parent saying “Does it hurt? Let me kiss it and make it better.” Just the words and a little kiss make all the difference, don’t they? Let Him comfort you now.

[Strictlyinkblot]

I wish I had words of wisdom and consolation for you. I haven't gone through what you've gone through but I do know Jesus loves you. I will pray for you, please pray for me. God Bless

[brandelynmarie]

[StClare_OraProNobis]

Wow! Thanks to all for your responses and your prayers. I just read your responses very quickly this morning but will spend some time going over them later this afternoon!

[Feankie]

Take some time (and I'm sure you already have) to sit in the presence of God and listen. I have a friend (who shall remain nameless for privacy reasons) who was a junior professed at a monastery. She too had to leave for health reasons. She prayed for a healing and received it, and she's now back in the same order as a junior professed, but in a different monastery. It can be done if that's what God wants for you!

[dominicansoul]

[quote name='MarysLittleFlower' timestamp='1325226937' post='2359874']
dear St Clare - this does not mean that God does not wish for you to be close to Him. Maybe this is the cross to bear in this life.. I don't know, I've had a similar question as you, though I don't know for sure about my vocation. I had a fear of being rejected by God. Try to remember the Saints who were definitely close to God, but were not nuns - for example St Rose of Lima was a third order Dominican, and she tried entering a convent but God showed her it wasn't His will. St Gemma felt really called to be a Passionist, and in reading about her life it seems that this is where God was calling her, but she didn't enter the monastery. St Rita only entered the monastery later in life. There were others who were not nuns (St Frances of Rome, St Brigid, ..I think ).

Trust in God's will for you. If you want to be His so much, would He refuse? even if He wouldn't call you to a monastery.

God bless you!
[/quote]

This.

Also, what cmaria said, get yourself a trusted spiritual director to guide you. I'll be praying for you.

[Lisa]

I can't really give more than what the others have so beautifully said, but please, please, please know that God does not love you any less than he did before. No matter what, all of us are called to an intimate union with Him. For some, that may be sooner, rather than later (in Heaven), but His love for you never wanes. But He has an amazing plan for you and wants to draw you close to His heart during this hard time.

I'll be praying for you.

Edited December 30, 2011 by Lisa

[vee]

God wills the deepest union with us but He doesnt need to have that person in a convent for such a thing to occur. Cardinal Nguyen Van Thuan is very much a modern John of the Cross yet his union was achieved in a Communist solitary confinement cell. Since God is God He knows which path will lead us closest to Him and can use all things for His greater glory. As St Ignatius of Loyola says we must focus on " the end for which you have been created—the glory of God and the salvation of your soul"

prayers for you.

Edited December 30, 2011 by vee8

[vee]

Also to add, isnt the work of a religious brother or sister (or all of us for that matter) to save souls? Perhaps by your sufferings health wise and spiritually as you undergo the pain of leaving you will save more souls by offering that up than you wouldve any other way. If by all that you are going through you can save even one soul from hell then it has tremendous value!