Having A Hard Time

[Maggyie]

happy feast of the Nativity of the Lord. This is my first Christmas as a married woman and I am having a difficult time. There has been a lot of stress already with my in-laws and my parents, with my mom actually making a scene at Christmas Eve Mass tonight. She is mentally ill and she always will be hard to handle but for some reason I keep hoping she has gotten better. It is literally like dealing with a fussy toddler, it is not her fault but at the same time it makes life so painful sometimes. People around you are not as understanding when it is a 60 year old woman having a fit vs. a little kid.

I am also going through a pregnancy loss and I am not dealing with it well. There are pregnant women and little kids everywhere. There is a girl at work who got pregnant at the same time as me and her pregnancy is normal. It is very awkward and heartbreaking because she sits near me and the constant conversation is about baby things, her symptoms, what they are going to name the baby etc. When her due date comes (two days after mine was) I know I will feel like finding a bridge and jumping off. It is not her fault, she doesn't know about the loss and I'm not going to announce it to her.

I feel very distant from God. I felt like the Gospel and the readings at Mass tonight were addressed to the rest of the world, not me. I have felt this way for a few weeks now and it's miserable. Usually I can talk to Mary as someone a bit more accessible but that is not working this time for me, as clearly indicated by this Feast she did not have problems with bearing a child. So how could she possibly understand me. These are the thoughts that go through my mind when I try to pray.

Please pray for me.