MissScripture Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 [quote name='MissyP89' timestamp='1326608566' post='2369443'] Skype... I have a love-hate relationship with it. I love it because it's the closest I'm going to get to being with my boyfriend while he's away at school. But I hate it for the same reason ... and, of course, there are sometimes quality issues with the call that can be irritating, especially if it's your only method of seeing them. For those with communication problems: please, please, if you want to have a healthy relationship, learn to be comfortable speaking face-to-face or at the very least over the phone as a starter. There's so much nuance in body language that you miss when you can't see them. 90% of communication is [i]non-verbal.[/i] And leaving that out when you're courting and hoping to discern marriage with a person is really unhealthy. I did the online dating thing for years. It worked and I learned a lot from that experience. But it is [b]extremely[/b] difficult. Think and pray hard before you make that decision. What are you willing to sacrifice, and are you emotionally stable enough to handle being apart for extended periods? Now, I am in a long-distance relationship again. The only thing I can say to all of you who are going this route is to do everything you can to be together, in person, as soon and as regularly as possible. [/quote] I had another friend who did the on-line dating thing, and they eventually got married. But before they got married, the priest who was the man's spiritual director (and who officiated at the wedding) instructed them to live in the same town for at least 6 months before the wedding, so that they were really sure they weren't missing something about the other person. I found that to be really good advice. While I agree with CatherineM, that you actually have to talk, and I think that did give some benefit over some of my friends who were in "real life" relationships, you can also miss a lot if you're not together for a longer period. I don't mean that people will intentionally put on a show or anything, but when you see each other for only a few days at a time, it's easy to be on your "best behavior," and you're in such a different state of mind looking at the other person, because you're so happy just to be together. When you're around each other more regularly, you're going to notice different things, and some of those little things you can tolerate for a few days may impact you differently day after day. It just brings up different things that you might want to address before you get married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amppax Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 [quote name='MissyP89' timestamp='1326608566' post='2369443'] Skype... I have a love-hate relationship with it. I love it because it's the closest I'm going to get to being with my boyfriend while he's away at school. But I hate it for the same reason ... and, of course, there are sometimes quality issues with the call that can be irritating, especially if it's your only method of seeing them. For those with communication problems: please, please, if you want to have a healthy relationship, learn to be comfortable speaking face-to-face or at the very least over the phone as a starter. There's so much nuance in body language that you miss when you can't see them. 90% of communication is [i]non-verbal.[/i] And leaving that out when you're courting and hoping to discern marriage with a person is really unhealthy. I did the online dating thing for years. It worked and I learned a lot from that experience. But it is [b]extremely[/b] difficult. Think and pray hard before you make that decision. What are you willing to sacrifice, and are you emotionally stable enough to handle being apart for extended periods? Now, I am in a long-distance relationship again. The only thing I can say to all of you who are going this route is to do everything you can to be together, in person, as soon and as regularly as possible. [/quote] I second the skype thing heartily. It's nice, being able to see the person. But its also annoying as heck, because when you see them, your brain says they should be there. As nice as it is, it almost makes the pain of being separated worse. The analogy I would make is to video games (bear with me). With older games, i didn't expect much in the way of graphics, but as they got more and more lifelike, but at the same time I noticed the difference between real and the games more. It's the same with skype. Anywho, that is totally off topic. apologies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah147 Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 What is the typical time spent getting to know someone, actually courting, and actual engagement? How would it work with what someone mentioned about moving near them for 6 months? If you're poor and all.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissyP89 Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 (edited) [quote name='JoyfulLife' timestamp='1326651341' post='2369551'] What is the typical time spent getting to know someone, actually courting, and actual engagement? How would it work with what someone mentioned about moving near them for 6 months? If you're poor and all.... [/quote] Every couple is different. It all depends on how slow or fast the two of you grow together. For some, it may be a year or two. Others, it can be many years. No two people are exactly the same, and there's no real formula for how the relationship progresses. And I think everyone who has ever done the long-distance/online thing will agree with me when I say that really shouldn't be your first method of finding a man. There are periods where it really smells of elderberries. I'm not saying that to be cynical, only truthful. Too, JL ... it is really for the best if you focus on either religious life or marriage. It's good to be prepared for whatever happens, yes, but ultimately God will decide where we all belong. And if He calls you to marriage, He will bring you the right man and everything you need to make it work, emotionally and otherwise. You just have to put 110% of your trust in Him and the details will work themselves out. Edited January 15, 2012 by MissyP89 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BG45 Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 [quote name='MissyP89' timestamp='1326652444' post='2369556'] And I think everyone who has ever done the long-distance/online thing will agree with me when I say that really shouldn't be your first method of finding a man. There are periods where it really smells of elderberries. I'm not saying that to be cynical, only truthful. [/quote] Quoted for absolute truth. [img]http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/far_away.png[/img] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrossCuT Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 Yeah Ive known of some friends who met their current other half on those dating websites and of course, lots of people have met here on PM. I havent had such luck either But we can always keep trying! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah147 Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 [quote name='MissyP89' timestamp='1326652444' post='2369556'] Too, JL ... it is really for the best if you focus on either religious life or marriage. It's good to be prepared for whatever happens, yes, but ultimately God will decide where we all belong. And if He calls you to marriage, He will bring you the right man and everything you need to make it work, emotionally and otherwise. You just have to put 110% of your trust in Him and the details will work themselves out. [/quote] But I think God sort of already kind of brought the right man in my life... It's complicated but I would like to get to really know him if he's the one, but I'm stuck waiting to further discern the two orders and find out if I even have a RL vocation. I spoke to many Priest vocation directors and found out that if these two last orders decline then I will know it's not my vocation. And it's not just my health, because the RSM is fine with that part, they just aren't sure that I have a vocation. I'm so eager to know my vocation and really focus on it. After all, it could take YEARS of getting to know someone if called to marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissyP89 Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 If it takes years, then that is what God wants for you. Really! Here's the thing: when you get an answer from those communities, then you'll have your answer. Until then, it's probably best that you be as patient as you can. If you got your feelings involved with this guy and the RSMs end up wanting you, then your feelings might get hurt. Of course, I'm not your SD ... and I know how tough it is when things are up in the air. But things will turn out better no matter what those communities decide if you just try to be patient. As for taking years to get to know a guy and discern if he's right ... I promise you, it's not a chore or something on a time schedule. It's more about just spending time together, being silly, and sharing your life with them. Going places and talking about all sorts of things. That part does take a really long time. But love is something that develops and only gets stronger over time. The best part about spending years getting to know a person before you get engaged is that you really learn how to communicate. And you came up with more things to love about them as time passes. It's a beautiful thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LouisvilleFan Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 [quote name='MissyP89' timestamp='1326608566' post='2369443'] I did the online dating thing for years. It worked and I learned a lot from that experience. But it is [b]extremely[/b] difficult. Think and pray hard before you make that decision. What are you willing to sacrifice, and are you emotionally stable enough to handle being apart for extended periods? [/quote] This doesn't need to be a hindrance. All the dating sites let you to restrict the distance of your matches. I definitely didn't want a long-distance relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LouisvilleFan Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 [quote name='JoyfulLife' timestamp='1326651341' post='2369551'] What is the typical time spent getting to know someone, actually courting, and actual engagement? [/quote] There is no typical, but setting a minimum of one year from first meeting to marriage seems to be a good base rule that all should consider. [quote name='JoyfulLife' timestamp='1326651341' post='2369551'] How would it work with what someone mentioned about moving near them for 6 months? If you're poor and all.... [/quote] Get a job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissScripture Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 [quote name='JoyfulLife' timestamp='1326651341' post='2369551'] What is the typical time spent getting to know someone, actually courting, and actual engagement? How would it work with what someone mentioned about moving near them for 6 months? If you're poor and all.... [/quote] It's going to vary from couple to couple. My husband and I talked for about 2 months before we started "dating," and we were able to meet in person about a month and a half after that. Then, I was engaged on our 6 months anniversary dating my husband, but then we were engaged for almost 2 years before the wedding was actually able to take place (we were still in school when we got engaged). In that time he moved up to be near me, since I had more school to finish and he had finished school by that time. But circumstances are going to vary for different couples. I have friends who have dated for 5 years before getting engaged, but will be getting married less than a year after getting engaged. And I have friends who met, and were married within a year of meeting. It's just going to depend on the couple and their personal situations. (FYI, I use "courting" and "dating" interchangeably when I'm talking about this). Well, if you're planning on getting married, you would need to be moving to the same place, anyway, so you would need to be making plans for one party or the other to be moving at the time of the wedding. Why not move 6 months sooner to the same city? And, if you're in a serious relationship, you're going to want to be closer to the person as soon as you can. If you don't want to be closer to the person, you probably shouldn't be planning on marrying them, anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissScripture Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 [quote name='LouisvilleFan' timestamp='1326687538' post='2369879'] This doesn't need to be a hindrance. All the dating sites let you to restrict the distance of your matches. I definitely didn't want a long-distance relationship. [/quote] That doesn't work when you stumble upon your spouse on Phatmass, though. That is really nice, though. I know I definitely wouldn't have chosen to look for someone far away with whom to start a relationship! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissScripture Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 [quote name='MissyP89' timestamp='1326672343' post='2369714'] If it takes years, then that is what God wants for you. Really! Here's the thing: when you get an answer from those communities, then you'll have your answer. Until then, it's probably best that you be as patient as you can. If you got your feelings involved with this guy and the RSMs end up wanting you, then your feelings might get hurt. Of course, I'm not your SD ... and I know how tough it is when things are up in the air. But things will turn out better no matter what those communities decide if you just try to be patient. As for taking years to get to know a guy and discern if he's right ... I promise you, it's not a chore or something on a time schedule. It's more about just spending time together, being silly, and sharing your life with them. Going places and talking about all sorts of things. That part does take a really long time. But love is something that develops and only gets stronger over time. The best part about spending years getting to know a person before you get engaged is that you really learn how to communicate. And you came up with more things to love about them as time passes. It's a beautiful thing. [/quote] I think that first line is the most important in this post. It's going to happen in God's time and we can't hurry it up if it's not meant to happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherie Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 [quote name='MissScripture' timestamp='1326693062' post='2369898'] I think that first line is the most important in this post. It's going to happen in God's time and we can't hurry it up if it's not meant to happen. [/quote] Exactly; don't worry. God works everything out. I was fully prepared, when I entered the "dating scene", to be in a courtship for a long while. If you had told me before I met my husband we would have met and married in a little over a year's time, I would have called you NUTS. I also probably would have said, "that's stupid!" But after I met him, I just can't imagine it happening any other way. God worked everything out the way He wanted it; we trusted Him, we sought out spiritual guidance and prayed about each other and our relationship, and it just worked that way. So you never know what's in store. Don't rush things. They will happen naturally, and you just might be surprised at what results. It very well may take lots of time; but if it does, and you believe you are following God's will, then don't worry about it, because if it's God's will, taking "lots of time" is exactly what is best for you. I think that was good advice for the priest to suggest moving to the same city. Honestly, that's the way it works out usually. But that's another thing not to worry about. For me, we lived two hours apart, and never missed a weekend or holiday together. Everyone puts on their "best behavior" when they initially start dating, but for us, this set up worked, and we got to know each other--the true person--very well. Like I said before, God will work out the details. Our part is to be open to His will and to PRAY ABOUT IT. That's #1. Prayer works miracles; it's so necessary when searching for your future spouse!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oremoose Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 BOOM all you need to know: [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxbTHKQm00g"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxbTHKQm00g[/url] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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