The Proper Way To Cope With Family

[Totus Tuus]

This may sound more like I'm asking for advice, but really I want to know what is morally applicable in this situation, which is why I'm posting it here.

Here's the situation. I have two relatives (one in my immediate family, one is a cousin) both of whom have greatly offended me with their words in the recent past. I have a lot of boundaries issues that resulted from the way I was raised, so I am unclear on what a moral response from me is.

What I have done is deleted them from my Facebook and basically stopped speaking to them. The reason is not to teach them a lesson, but because I genuinely can't handle, emotionally, being treated so badly. The problem is that when they confront me about it, they feel completely justified and feel that I am insane for my reaction. This is especially distressing with my sister.

It's possible that I am over-sensitive -- I don't deny that. These people are both very, very rough around the edges and literally do not think before they speak, nor do they care about the consequences of what they say. But the fact that I literally cannot handle being close to people who are so mean is why I have distanced myself.

I'm wondering, in light of our responsibility to forgive, and since these two people are close family members and not distant acquaintances, what is my responsibility as far as re-establishing a relationship or leaving things as they are? I would like to reconnect, but I feel that the cross words will continue if we do, since both parties do not recognize having done anything wrong.

Thanks,
Lauren

[CatherineM]

We get to pick our friends, but not our families. I will often ask people with family issues if they would have a certain person as a friend if they weren't related, and the answer is usually no. There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. We forgive out of Christian compassion, and for ourselves. Holding anger destroys our souls. Forgetting though, may place us in a position of being abused again. I call it abuse because words hit as hard as fists.

It is easy for us to classify physical or sexual abuse as abuse. When it is emotional or spiritual abuse, we seem to think that's not so bad. I have had family members tell racist jokes in my presence. I told them to knock it off. They thought I was kidding until I left in the middle of a family dinner when something nasty was said. I didn't fight, I didn't say anything, I simply quietly left the room. They don't agree that they are doing something wrong, but over time, they were trained to keep it to themselves when I am in the room.

When it is a close family member, it is so much harder. In my case it wasn't a sibling, it was my mother. At one point, I had to break off communication with her except for written letters for almost 5 years. I had a priest tell me that honoring your parents assumes that they are worthy of that honor. If they are abusive, they aren't entitled to it. You have to forgive your abusers, but you can not continue to allow them to abuse you. The abuse is their sin, but if you voluntarily put yourself in a position to be abused again, it becomes your sin. It is a form of self mutilation.

My mom and I were able to reestablish a healthier relationship in the end, and that should be your goal. When we have no consequences, it is easy to continue in our old habits. Sometimes it takes something large and dramatic to shake us out of our tunnel vision. De-friending someone from Facebook isn't a sin, but it may well get their attention. Be prepared to come out the bad guy. It will be a bit like when a family member from a drinking family gets sober. It won't be easy, but you do it to protect yourself, and hopefully, eventually, your family will have an epiphany.