Answering Parents' Concerns

[TeresaBenedicta]

I know we've had a few topics about parents and their reactions to their children entering religious life... I'm hoping we can use this thread to A) compile resources that are helpful for parents and B) have some of those who have been through this all before give advice on particular issues.

The main issue I'm struggling explaining is that of the vow of poverty. My family is struggling with the fact that I won't be making my own money, that I won't be paying for things myself, that, if I am to see them, the burden of expense will likely largely fall on them. It sounds harsh, but both of my parents came from a background where they were poor and they fought their way out of poverty. They fought to succeed. And to give us a good grounding... now to go back to poverty...

For my own part, my family situation is one where I am the only one of faith.

So how does one explain the supernatural virtue of poverty to those without the virtue of faith? I know that it's impossible to fully grasp... but is there any way of helping them come to see that I will be taken care of?

[TeresaBenedicta]

[url="http://www.firstthings.com/article/2009/07/sisters--daughters"]This article[/url] (which happens to be about two sister sisters in my order, one of whom I know very well) is helpful, I think, for some parents.

[TheresaThoma]

TB thank you for posting this article.
[quote]“I’m sorry, Ray. I love you, but I can’t support a course of action I think is wrong for you."[/quote] This part sounds so much like what my mother has told me in the past. Seeing how her mother was able to come around gives me hope.

[marigold]

Sigh, yes that's very similar to what my mother has told me too...

I really relate to your family's concerns about poverty. Same concerns over my way. Celibacy as well - not for having to give up being grandparents/aunts etc. but because for them, being liberal agnostics/atheists, sex is pretty much the height of human experience. In fact my mother said, 'Why couldn't she just have been a lesbian?' Hehe.

Obedience - let's not even go there Come to think of it, all of it has been pretty scandalous for them. It's really hard. I don't have any good advice, only my assurance that you're SO not alone with this

[marigold]

What a beautiful article!

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

I have no idea what to tell you, other than what I heard someone say to a relative of theirs once about entering the religious life. "You've always told me that you wanted me to do what made me happy. This is what makes me happy, so why can't you just accept that?" I do not have much experience with these kinds of issues, so I am no help.
Definitely the whole "cloistered" thing really struck my parents at first, but after a while of them seeing how much I wanted this and how much I really think this is God's plan for me, they accepted it with more ease. This will be hard for both of them, I think their main worry is that I might go into this blindly and I will regret it later and not be able to leave. I have explained to them multiple times about the live-in and how you have 7-9 years before you can take your perpetual vows, but they are my parents so they still worry.
You know what my mom just said to me as I'm typing this? "I'm making you dinner with a lot of chicken in it because you'll be a vegetarian in a few years HA!

[sophia13]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' timestamp='1320782049' post='2333301']
[url="http://www.firstthings.com/article/2009/07/sisters--daughters"]This article[/url] (which happens to be about two sister sisters in my order, one of whom I know very well) is helpful, I think, for some parents.
[/quote]

TB, thank you for posting this article! I'm actually in class right now - oops - so I have yet to read the whole thing, but from the first few paragraphs, the article describes [i]exactly[/i] what my mother is wrestling with. I'm definitely looking forward to reading the rest, and might even pass it along to my mom.

[MarysLittleFlower]

It must be hard describing the reasons for celibacy, (and of course poverty, and obedience!) and the cloister - to parents who might not be Catholic or not see simiarly on these issues... I'm dreading having to do this if I'll ever enter a religious order.

What do you DO if your family starts disagreeing? I know arguing would be really bad. Do you just stay silent, or try to explain?

[MarysLittleFlower]

At what point did you all tell your famiy? (for those who told). When do you think is the right time?

[MissScripture]

Would showing your family the clips of the DSMME on Oprah help at all? I mean, obviously there are some things that vary from convent to convent (and differences between active and cloistered orders), but if I remember correctly, they did talk about celibacy and how their sexuality isn't "repressed" but used in a different way, and they talked about the general lifestyle of a Sister.

[LaPetiteSoeur]

My parents are worried mostly about the distance. After living far (very, very far) away from family for over 20 years, they don't like any family member being far away. I'm five hours away at university and my dad has issues.

It helped him when I told him he could visit me, and I could call him and could write to him.

The whole "mendicant" thing is not a bridge I have decided to cross with them yet. Mostly because my father would worry, and he needs no more stress in his life right now!

[TeresaBenedicta]

Luckily, my parents are very supportive. So my difficulty right now isn't in trying to get their support... they love me and want me to be happy and they know this will make me happy. But they don't understand. And that's the tough thing right now. Without the gift of faith they may never understand, but gosh, a bit of illumination would go a long ways with what they are suffering right now.

[she_who_is_not]

I'll pray for you and your parents TB. I remember reading once about a convert who entered an active order and her parents converted at Easter the next year!

[das8949]

TB et al,

As someone who was in RL and has a friend in her former NM I can attest to the responsibilities of "poverty". Whenever Sister M. Barbra (SMB) and we get together over the past 40 years,the financial responsibilities fall squarely at my feet. She is a Sister of Notre Dame and they are active community. We have bought her airplane ticket, will pay for meals, entertainment,gifts etc while she is with us. If there is something she needs such as shoes etc we get those as well.

I think the important thing for parents to understand is that you may not earn a living in a worldly manner but what you earn in intrinsic value is priceless. I also think it is much easier for Catholic parents to understand and especially for thosewho do not have a strong faith background. I am sure they feel as though they have failed their child in some way.

[cmaD2006]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' timestamp='1320780809' post='2333294']
...
The main issue I'm struggling explaining is that of the vow of poverty. My family is struggling with the fact that I won't be making my own money, that I won't be paying for things myself, that, if I am to see them, the burden of expense will likely largely fall on them. It sounds harsh, but both of my parents came from a background where they were poor and they fought their way out of poverty. They fought to succeed. And to give us a good grounding... now to go back to poverty...
...
So how does one explain the supernatural virtue of poverty to those without the virtue of faith? I know that it's impossible to fully grasp... but is there any way of helping them come to see that I will be taken care of?
[/quote]

YES I actually have a suggestion (or two) that helped my parents (especially my dad). And a bit of background -- I (like your parents) worked my way out of poverty. My mom and dad were quite poor -- even after I was able to get out of that cycle. So I do believe that my parents probably had the same fears as your parents did, from the poverty aspect. At a minimum, my dad had met sisters in Puerto Rico when he had lived there (probably pre 1960's) where the sisters didn't even have enough to eat. In addition, my parents were baptized Catholic but neither were practicing Catholics.

a) the community that I had applied with way-back-when actually included as part of the process a home visit by the vocation director. My mom dad been supportive of my vocation. My dad -- for some reason was not supportive. Well, I found out during that visit that my dad was really concerned about my welfare -- he wanted to make sure that I would be taken care of. Once he spoke to the sister, who explained how they lived, he was much calmer about the situation. In fact -- he was supportive (saying "I'd rather see her married with Jesus than with a bad man.")

b) when I entered for the first time (a different community than the one above), my dad had already passed away. So -- I arranged with the sisters to have my mom travel with me for a visit before I entered, that way she would know physically where I was and she would at least know some of the sisters that I was living with. It really did help her to know where I would be living. It was a comfort for her, and she was able to see how the sisters lived.

I think these two suggestions might help? You could only do so much to try to explain what poverty is, but a sister may be able to explain it better -- and visiting where the sisters live helps that much more. I think experiencing some time with the sisters will work wonders.