Distance From Family

[LaPetiteSoeur]

It seems that in discernment, one of the hardest things is how far one would be for family.

When I was talking to my dad last night, he sort of freaked out about how far away Chicago is (although we did live there for six years!) from where my family now lives. His questions ranged from "So you live there?" to "You'll wear a habit?" to "Can you call me?"

Thankfully, these sisters can talk to their families often, which will certainly help my Dad. He's having trouble with me being at university (and I'm only six hours away from home by car) and is a chronic worrier. But I will be stateside, which will help my family, I know.

Has anyone else had trouble with the distance? I know IPS is worried. For all of you who have been there before, how have you been able to remain close to your family despite the distance? What has helped ease their fears?

[faithcecelia]

In US terms I wasn't that far away, but deep Norfolk countryside is a long way from my parents when you take into account that they don't drive. It was never really a big deal to be honest as I knew and they knew that we would only see each other about 3 times a year. When I first entered I told them I didn't know how long it would be before I could write or phone (though in fact my MN told me to write to my parents almost immediately, to let them know I had arrived safely) and my mother's reaction when I did first phone about 6 weeks later was one to remember . I was actually allowed to call my parents every 2 weeks, but never told them that - there simply wasn't enough to talk about - and I used to phone monthly.

[Chiara Francesco]

[quote name='LaPetiteSoeur' timestamp='1320342376' post='2330826']
It seems that in discernment, one of the hardest things is how far one would be for family.

When I was talking to my dad last night, he sort of freaked out about how far away Chicago is (although we did live there for six years!) from where my family now lives. His questions ranged from "So you live there?" to "You'll wear a habit?" to "Can you call me?"

Thankfully, these sisters can talk to their families often, which will certainly help my Dad. He's having trouble with me being at university (and I'm only six hours away from home by car) and is a chronic worrier. But I will be stateside, which will help my family, I know.

Has anyone else had trouble with the distance? I know IPS is worried. For all of you who have been there before, how have you been able to remain close to your family despite the distance? What has helped ease their fears?
[/quote]

I am having concerns more than trouble with distance - try leaving the country! If the few orders I am looking at aren't it, I will be looking overseas as I am older.

So to all younger people, don't put off your vocation for school or think you should be married. If you even have an inkling or fleeting thought you might have a vocation, thoroughly check it out because when you're older it's MUCH harder - you have lifetime debt (medical bills, credit cards, mortgage, etc.) and then the worse is the age problem with most orders/communities in the US.

I am trying to hope to stay in the US but if God calls me elsewhere I will definitely go. Entering religious life is not like picking a job or college where you might want to stay near family and friends. You are leaving all for Him and that includes distance and maybe even country.

[marigold]

It's a hard one, I don't have a definite answer about this myself. I'll be crossing the pond and this is definitely the thing which has been hardest for my immediate family and best friends to come to terms with. The distance doesn't really bother me because I'm so excited and relieved to finally get back there - and I love the north-eastern US. I'll miss everyone horribly, but at the same time it's not a dealbreaker because I carry them with me wherever I go. (Reminds me of that e.e. cummings poem that goes 'I carry you in my heart' or something - it's overused, but true for this situation.)

Mother said I could write every week if I wanted to, and my first reaction was like Faith's, 'There'll be nothing to talk about!'... but I'm reconsidering now, having seen more of the heartache that my mother especially is going through.

[OnlySunshine]

I had more of a problem with it earlier in my discernment. So much so that I only considered a Carmelite monastery that was 2 hours away from my house and the Little Sisters of the Poor because they had a house about 6 hours away. I'm not so worried about it anymore. Michigan is pretty far away from my home (several states away). I was even going to join an order in Wisconsin until I realized God wasn't calling me there. I don't care so much about distance. However, there is the worry about how I will get home. One of my questions for the Vocation Director when I go next week is:

Who pays for the visits home? Do the parents pay or does the community fund the trip?

The reason I want to ask this is because the order in Wisconsin that I applied to in 2009 paid for every visit so their Sisters could visit their families for a week or two (can't remember how long it was). I hope that they pay the way otherwise I would not be able to come home very often since my parents are in the lower middle-class bracket. I'm not even sure how often they'll be able to visit me.

All that said, it is not a dealbreaker. If I feel called, I'll enter regardless of the little problems.

[FutureSister2009]

Well if I go into the Franciscan community I'm discerning with, their Motherhouse is in Loreto. After my vows, I could be sent anywhere. It would be nice to be stationed in my home Parish but I feel that would probably be impossible. If I went into the DSMME or the Nashville Dominicans, I would be in Michigan or Tennessee. So that's not as bad. I'm getting practice with distance right now being only 2 hours away from home

[InPersonaChriste]

I think if I am called immigration is going to be hard (not to mention expesive). But definitely not as hard as leaving my family. But God did give me them, and I will do anything for him.

BTW
there are no benedictine convents in Canada excluding Montreal. But thats basically like going to the US.

[the171]

I can sum it up. I'm only a little bit terrified of being called far from home. The fear is mostly rooted in my mother's IMMENSE fear of never seeing me again. I love to travel, and have always dreamed of going far away from here, but it'd be hard to leave my family and incite that anxiety within my family and my mother, especially.

[NunMother]

Distance is a major issue for families. Many monasteries are in remote areas. One should consider how easy it will be for family to visit. Location of less than 10 hours driving would be within reason otherwise air travel would need to be used. When air travel is used, rental cars, hotels and restaurants usually are added to the trip cost. How often are the visits allowed by the monastery? Each monastery has their own policies. Our daughter is not allowed home visits, thus we are happy to travel to visit her. PM Alien - I do not believe there are any orders that do not allow families to see their children ever again. Are there?

Personally, I would have been delighted if she had chosen some monastery in a foreign country as it would have taken me to new and exciting places in conjunction with the monastery visit. We love to travel, but then again that might have been difficult to visit Italy or France twice a year as we age and travel is not so easy. Bottom line, there are lots of considerations to take into account, but I imagine that your heart will lead you to the right place.

[Strictlyinkblot]

[quote name='the171' timestamp='1320367431' post='2331026']
I can sum it up. I'm only a little bit terrified of being called far from home. The fear is mostly rooted in my mother's IMMENSE fear of never seeing me again. I love to travel, and have always dreamed of going far away from here, but it'd be hard to leave my family and incite that anxiety within my family and my mother, especially.
[/quote]

I know exactly what you mean. After visiting Quidenham Carmel its the first place that I actually feel called to but it means moving to a new country. I know England is not that far from Ireland but its so different. My parents would find it extremely difficult to travel to Norfolk. They did say that if I entered I could phone my parents every two weeks which I know is quite a big concession.

The thought of entering so far from home is both wonderful and scary

[HopefulBride]

Strangely enough this is something I considered when I didn't truly understand the way in which the Lord was calling me. Then as I progressed in my discernment, the Lord revealed to me that my focus needed to be Him and Him alone, it didn't matter to me whether it was cloistered or not near or far.

Though I think it is considerate to think of family I believe it is best not to worry too much about distance from family. Otherwise you may find that rather than trying to live out your vocation in the right community, you focus on being close to family. I do understand how hard it may be for family to deal with the distance (especially if some of them may feel like they are being abandoned) but my advice is to turn it over to the Lord and trust him to be there for them in their moment of difficulty. If he calls you to far far away land, you can sure trust Him to help your loved ones cope.

Edited November 12, 2011 by HopefulBride

[faithcecelia]

[quote name='HopefulBride' timestamp='1321136221' post='2335512']
Strangely enough this is something I considered when I didn't truly understand the way in which the Lord was calling me. Then as I progressed in my discernment, the Lord revealed to me that my focus needed to be Him and Him alone, it didn't matter to me whether it was cloistered or not near or far.

Though I think it is considerate to think of family I believe it is best not to worry too much about distance from family. Otherwise you may find that rather than trying to live out your vocation in the right community, you focus on being close to family. I do understand how hard it may be for family to deal with the distance (especially if some of them may feel like they are being abandoned) but my advice is to turn it over to the Lord and trust him to be there for them in their moment of difficulty. If he calls you to far far away land, you can sure trust Him to help your loved ones cope.
[/quote]


Yes, I agree with this. As it happens, NH will be nice and easy for my family and will mean my mother is able to visit me, at least to begin with. However this was not why I chose to contact them, and the other communities I contacted varied dramatically in this regard. Had I felt called to the 1990 constitutions then I knew full well that I would almost certainly never see my mother again, and my dad very rarely. And of course there is never any guarantee at all that a community will not move during your lifetime - maybe NH will one day end up relocating to Lands End???

Its a bit like any practical consideration I think. There were times, and still are occasionally, when I worry about how my parents will cope in old age (I have only one brother, himself in poor health) but I trust God that He will provide for them seeings as it is He who has called me to this life.

[AnneLine]

This is a really interesting question and a hard one.

I was in a contemplative active community for a short while about 30 years ago (until God made it clear He had other ideas!). Their policy at that time (it could have changed) was that that we could receive letters from anyone, and could write once a month to our families. We could have a monthly visit from our families while in formation prior to profession. After profession it may have been more liberal--but I don't think so. In addition, we could visit home for a few days every few years. Those of us who lived at a distance (and I was about 500 miles from my family) could have a phone call INSTEAD of a visit once a month, and we could go home for a week once every ten years.

That amount of contact was fine by me - but it was VERY hard on my parents. I'm an only child, and my parents were older (in their 60's) and it was too expensive for them to visit regularly. My mom was OK with the monthly phone call, but my dad, who was not Catholic, was very unhappy. He kept calling at odd times just to see if I was OK. The sisters were very understanding about it as they could see I had no control over it. Both of them cried a lot. It was hard, I won't pretend otherwise. It was not the reason why I left... but I have often thought God was very kind to them because it was so hard for them to have to live so apart from me.

I've had lots of friends who entered various men's and women's religious communities, and the policies of each vary considerably. Some communities are like NunMother's passionists -- others are fairly strict during formation but allow a lot more freedom after profession. And some allow fairly liberal visits even in formation. I have a friend who entered one of the Visitation monasteries, and they allowed me to visit for a short time during Lent when she was a postulant, and she was able to come home for a week prior to starting her novitiate. This was a wonderful gift to her family, as her parents are not well and will never be able to go to visit her. That community allows a home visit each year except for during the novitiate proper. It just depends on the community.

God gives us what we need when we need it, don't you think? Most of the time it falls into place for the woman when the right community is found. God is good, always!

Edited November 12, 2011 by AnneLine

[vee]

[color=#333333][font=Arial][size=4]In search of my Love
I will go over mountains and strands;
I will gather no flowers,
I will fear no wild beasts;
And pass by the mighty and the frontiers.

[/size][/font][/color]

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

I am not afraid of being called away from home. My family is, I think. One thing that would make it harder is if I were to visit a convent that was far away from home, and that requires a lot of things out of my parents, getting me there and all that. I do not think that distance is my parents' biggest fear is. My mom anyway, is afraid that I will go too early (or what she thinks is too early) and make a mistake and be stuck there forever. I have explained countless times about the live-in and the postulency and the novitiate and how you really have 7-9 years before you are "stuck there", but even then you are not "stuck", you don't want to leave because this is where you best serve your Beloved. That's another thing about distance, you can say, "This is where I best serve my Beloved in His calling for my life." Anywho, my parents are worried about me making a mistake, which I can understand, but it makes me a little insane because when you KNOW, you can't make a mistake, He CALLED you, you will know.