Forgiveness?

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='CatherineM' timestamp='1320282061' post='2330549']
I forgave the man who attacked me years ago. I did it for me, not for him. Carrying hate or anger inside me, punishes me, not him. It gives him control over me. He can't have power unless I give it to him. I take away his power by forgiving him and living the happiest and healthiest life I can.
[/quote]

Agreed.

[Papist]

A Pharisee invited him to dine with him, and he entered the Pharisee’s house and reclined at table. Now there was a sinful woman in the city who learned that he was at table in the house of the Pharisee. Bringing an alabaster flask of ointment, she stood behind him at his feet weeping and began to bathe his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them, and anointed them with the ointment. When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, that she is a sinner.” Jesus said to him in reply, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” “Tell me, teacher,” he said. “Two people were in debt to a certain creditor; one owed five hundred days’ wages and the other owed fifty. Since they were unable to repay the debt, he forgave it for both. Which of them will love him more?” Simon said in reply, “The one, I suppose, whose larger debt was forgiven.” He said to him, “You have judged rightly.” Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? When I entered your house, you did not give me water for my feet, but she has bathed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but she has not ceased kissing my feet since the time I entered. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she anointed my feet with ointment. [b]So I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; hence, she has shown great love. But the one to whom little is forgiven, loves little.” [/b]He said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” The others at table said to themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?” But he said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.” Luke 7:36-50

[Sarah147]

My SD pointed out that we aren't to let people walk all over us. A Priest had said that when a person begins to negatively affect your health, then you should avoid them or stop the relationship.

I personally know how hard it is when it's relatives because it feels like you have to have relationships with them. It's so pressured that family is so important. But, I've had to learn the hard way with various relatives and I'm much happier and healthier all around with the new boundaries I've set.

Edited November 3, 2011 by JoyfulLife

[organwerke]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1320275548' post='2330488']
How do I get my mom to understand that I don't have to forget what she has done to forgive her? She is constantly telling me that if I don't speak to the other person or do things for her, than I haven't forgiven her. But I feel that would be inviting her to continue her behavior. I don't know how to explain this to my mom in a way she will understand. She has a hard time being impartial because she lives with me and is also related to the person I am not speaking to.
[/quote]

You could say to your mom that you avoid her because you have the strong impression that she doesn't like your presence very much and that probably she prefers not to see you.

[CatherineM]

I cut off communication with my mother for several years because she was toxic for me. Then we only communicated by mail. I now talk to her on the phone about once a month. She's basically so old now that she has mellowed, or we have rebooted our relationship into a healthier one.

[brandelynmarie]

Props to everyone who posted on here. (I am seemingly out of them again!) I have a couple of family members that I limit my visiting with due to their behavior. When they start arguing with each other or try to argue with me. I may say, "Ok, I need to go now!" As I give them a hug & a kiss, "Love you & I'll come back later." It's not easy & this is not a solution for everyone, but it works for me.

[brandelynmarie]

[quote name='nunsense' timestamp='1320279673' post='2330525']


Last night was particularly hard with the offender making really personally hurtful statements about me. When I got home, I replayed the scenes over and over again in my mind, as we often do, wondering what I could have said or done to have changed the situation, and realising that this person was 'spoiling for a fight' and really wanted to hurt me. I tried praying for this person (and the other hostile one who wasn't at work last night) and asked God to help me 'bless my enemies'.

One priest told me once that if I couldn't 'love' someone, I could at least have compassion for them, which is a form of love. I do like the idea of forgiveness being a gift to oneself, and that forgiving doesn't necessarily mean reconciling. And the part about being 'woundable' was beautiful...

[i]To forgive is not to be outwardly “nice” and inside to plot vengeance. To forgive is to open our arms and heart wide, to remain woundable—as Christ did on the Cross.[/i]

[/quote]

There was a coworker that used to be downright abusive towards me for years. Working nights, we often had to work closely together. When I finally approached management for help, I was told that that was just how she was & everyone knows about it. It took me a long time to see that her behavior towards me had nothing to do with me & everything to do with her & where she was at in life. My "adopted" grandmother, Grandma Flo, always told me to tell myself the 3 C's, "I didn't cause it. I can't cure it. And I can't control it." And so yes, that leaves forgiveness & compassion which is a form of love. Things have slowly changed for the better with working with her & I thank God every day for that!

[tinytherese]

I've been reading "God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts Making Peace with Difficult People" by Gregory Popcak. This Catholic therapist discusses boundary setting and how to know when to cut someone out all together.

[OnlySunshine]

Fortunately, what we were arguing about has blown over. My uncle told my mom that we should not cave into my aunt's requests to watch her dog for her since she continues to abuse the relationship by taking instead of giving. Ever since he said that, my mom has been more mellow and has been more understanding. I thank God that my uncle helps my mom understand. I don't like a wedge driven between us because of this, but I need her to respect my feelings and decision to estrange myself from the unhealthy relationship.

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1320386116' post='2331169']
Fortunately, what we were arguing about has blown over. My uncle told my mom that we should not cave into my aunt's requests to watch her dog for her since she continues to abuse the relationship by taking instead of giving. Ever since he said that, my mom has been more mellow and has been more understanding. I thank God that my uncle helps my mom understand. I don't like a wedge driven between us because of this, but I need her to respect my feelings and decision to estrange myself from the unhealthy relationship.
[/quote]

MM - I'm glad things have worked out well for you. Your uncle sounds like he has some common sense. I had to do something today about one of the hostile coworkers at the hostel. I can forgive her and even make efforts to continue to work with her, but my sister (who works for a government public advocate for the disabled) told me that even though I don't want anything more to happen with regard to an incident that happened two nights ago with this hostile co-worker, she said it was imperative that I document the incident in case of future repercussions.

So I wrote a letter stating my version of the events that night and took them into my boss today. When I handed her the letter, I told her that I would be perfectly happy if she just put it into a drawer or filed it away without any action being taken, and that I only wrote it to provide documentation for the future - just in case. She thanked me and said she understood. This isn't the first bully I have encountered at this job but my manager has gone out of her way to try to make things work for me there, even changing my shifts and moving me to another section of the hostel. I must have 'victim' written on my forehead or something. I get along so well with almost all of the staff there, so it is really hard when one or two make it a point to make things miserable (they are both friends of course so perhaps they urge each other on). My manager has a tough time because this is a small town and it isn't easy for her to get staff to work there so she tries to accommodate everyone, and it can't be easy for her. I told her not to make any shift changes this time and just let things be, but I had to write the letter, and she understood.

I think that forgiveness is something completely separate from the practical reality of dealing with a difficult person, especially in the world. In the convent it's true I wouldn't have written a letter of complaint, but then I can also be pretty sure that the other sister isn't going to then accuse me of something and try to sue me. In the world, we just have to be a little practical sometimes.

I really agree with St john of the Cross about putting love where there is none - but sometimes this love can only be expressed as compassion and firmness (a bit like the love that parents have to show children who are not behaving properly - see the thread on Punishment and Love). What you uncle did was to show your aunt that her behaviour is not acceptable.