Family

[MarysLittleFlower]

I'm not entirely clear about what my vocation is.. but I am discerning. My family is not Catholic and they do not know about this, I think.. in any case I have not told them. But they really want me to marry. Sometimes my mom is upset because I am not 'looking' for a spouse, etc.. and she becomes worried about my future. Sometimes we also disagree about clothing and fashion. I know that she wants me to be happy. I think I would be happy as a nun if God calls me there: although it's up to Him, and His will that should be done.

If you were in this situation, or if you are, - how would you approach this? I want to do God's will and be open to Him and I also love my mom and I want her to be happy. I think if I were to tell my parents about my discernment, that would really worry them. I think they might get upset. This happened in the past when the topic came up though it wasn't about me. (maybe my parents guessed a little).

Sometimes I get scared off from discerning religious life because I'm worried about my family's potential reaction.. I know a part of it is attachment and a priest advised me to try and surrender to God first. I was also advised by another priest to visit communities. I'd love to do this but I'm still so afraid to tell my family. The reason I haven't told them yet is because I'm not entirely sure... if I knew for sure, I'd tell them. But the only way to make sure is to visit... and I feel dishonest about visiting without telling them anything. Would it be wrong to go on a [i]non discernment [/i]retreat at a monastery without telling my family I'm discerning?

In another thread I also mentioned how I'm an only child so I don't know if religious life is even possible for me, because I would probably need to take care of my family.. but I'm still discerning because maybe God can make it possible somehow, for example maybe I can still take care of them somehow. I cant not discern because it's always on my mind and I can't seem to make it go away. I don't know how I can talk to my family though, because they're not Catholic and they clearly want me to marry, and I'm afraid I've already pushed my mom further from the Church because of mistakes I've made or sins this makes me very sad and I don't feel worthy at all of having a vocation, because I'm too sinful. Mentioning religious life could lead my mom to regret my becoming Catholic. If I had been a better Catholic, the case might be different. I have been too argumentative and sometimes I look sad because I'm concerned about things, so my mom does not see the joy that I find in Christ, and this seems to push her away. I'm really trying now to be different. There's also a worry about me not being concerned enough with my career, and even though I'm discerning I want to try and be more hard-working at the same time and fulfill my duties.

Does anyone have any thoughts? thank you

Edited October 31, 2011 by MarysLittleFlower

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

I am really sorry, your situation is very tough. How old are you? Truthfully when you are old enough or if you are old enough to leave home than you really CAN enter the religious life, and it would be hard for anyone to stop you. I know that would cause guilt on your part for doing something your parents may not approve of, but that's the way it is. One girl on PM told me once that she told a family member, "You've always told me to do what makes me happy, and this is what makes me happy." And I think that people's families really need to put two and two together and accept that this is what makes the person happy.
I HIGHLY doubt you are a bad Catholic, and I'm sorry that you feel that that is what pushed your mother away from the Church. It is natural that your parents would like you to pursue a career, but if this is where you feel called, then that is that. I can't really give much more input than that because I have been blessed with super supportive parents, and I have never gone through that with people so close to me.

God Bless you and I am praying for you.

Edited October 31, 2011 by FutureCarmeliteClaire

[Aya Sophia]

MLF, many thoughts in response to your post - responding here, as time allows:

It is wrong for your mother or anyone else to throw your sins in your face. My own beloved mother (eternal memory) began to do this after my conversion and my announcement that I thought i had a vocation. It can be a kind of attack and, alas, even well meaning people do it The barbs from such poisoned arrows have no rightful place in your heart. If you can, be like a beautiful piece of Teflon and bounce all this stuff right off yourself.

DO GO ON RETREAT - be the "pious creature" your love for God makes you long to be and go regularly on retreat, as much as finances and your schedule allow, meaning every few months, if possible. This way, as the months and the year and two years go by, your "piousness" will begin to be perceived as, if not a "normal" part, then at least a non-threatening part of who you are. Regular retreats with communities that might be of interest to you will also help you begin to focus interiorly and truly begin to discern. If at first you're questioned about going on retreats, let people know the truth which is that you need to go on them. Other people go to the seaside or to the movies or wherever to be "recreated" - well, you go on retreat!

You "want [your] mother to be happy" - Pls note that YOU cannot make your mother happy - this is not for you to do and it is not, existentially, even possible. Your mother's happiness is her own responsibility. To draw closer to God is not damaging to anyone. If a parent feels hurt because his/her child is drawing closer to God and, in so doing, is stepping out of the parent's emotional control which "upsets" the parent, this does not mean the child should choose to stay close to the parent at the expense of drawing closer to God.

Sometimes the Lord allows us to be in a position (and it can be one of GREAT suffering) in which the sword of His Holy Spirit cleaves a divide between father and son, brother and sister, etc. Sometimes a painful choice is required of us. Choosing God mean, ultimately, choosing all, including the parent who believes themself abandoned or betrayed. Choosing the parent, on the other hand, means choosing the parent. If we make the latter choice God will not abandon us as He is always faithful to His promises but this won't change the fact that we have, out of an emotional attachment, chosen a creature over Him (all of this applies, of course, only if our circumstances truly do present us with such a choice - sometimes there is no choice to be made as the way ahead is singular and entirely clear to us).

Your lack of siblings is an added difficulty for you but it does not mean you're obliged to lay down your life on the altar of your parents' old age. If your parents are still healthy and in command of their lives then they have the responsibility to be planning now for their old age in years to come and, if they love you unselfishly and wish your happiness and wellbeing, they should [u]not[/u] be making you the linch pin in those plans (and neither should you make yourself such).

It is clear this is a period of suffering in your life - it may already have been so for many years and it may be for many years more. The way ahead for you is [u]through[/u] it, however - there is no way around it. So, try to be faithful to the small but persistent voice of truth speaking within you (which is also the voice of Love). Nurture and encourage this voice so that it can become like a radar you can rely on and will give you the courage you need to choose rightly, despite the pain or difficulty involved. Lastly, if you can, speak more to the priest you mentioned or more to someone who is compassionate and has some understanding of your situation. Prayers for you, Mary's Little Flower

Edited October 31, 2011 by Aya Sophia

[marigold]

Hoo boy, do I know this one. Both FCC and Aya give good advice - I would particularly emphasise Aya's 'pious creature' point. Besides actually being wonderfully good for you, getting in the habit of making retreats etc. really helps family transition from 'scary unknown thing' to 'a quirk of MLF's character'. There can't be many backgrounds [i]less[/i] conducive to accepting vocations than mine, but I sincerely believe that, for the small price of putting up with occasional fun-poking for a few years, the battle lines were softened a little.

Don't beat yourself up about being a shining example of how wonderful the Church is - again, been there. Your family know you, and a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed act is going to be about as convincing as the smile on the poor Mormon boy when he knocks on your door. Anyway, the point of evangelising isn't to show people how great and sinless [i]you[/i] are, but how holy and amesome the Lord is in his mercy. The Lord is more than capable of bringing your family into the Church when and how he deigns: your part in it is to get on with being yourself.

And if your self, your real and true self, is a nun, then your family will, ultimately, recognise that. They won't accept it because they suddenly come to love Christ and his Ark of Salvation, but [u]because they love you[/u]. They may come round - or they may not. That's in God's hands. So is what happens when they are unable to care for themselves in their venerable old age. Most convents will allow 'compassionate leave' for these situations - but we can't change a single thing by worrying about it before the fact.

Parents, when they are good and sane parents, want their children to be happy and safe, and if you can show them that you will be happy and safe as a nun - not by a conscious effort to be 'perfect' but by honestly and diligently following the call until it leads you home - then that is all it will take. I am thrilled for you. It's so exciting to read that others are doing this too; you are in my prayers and if there is anything I can help you with, don't hesitate to ask. I just find the whole thing so exciting and wonderful that I can't imagine anyone would want to be anything else

[MarysLittleFlower]

[quote name='FutureCarmeliteClaire' timestamp='1320073057' post='2329352']
I am really sorry, your situation is very tough. How old are you? Truthfully when you are old enough or if you are old enough to leave home than you really CAN enter the religious life, and it would be hard for anyone to stop you. I know that would cause guilt on your part for doing something your parents may not approve of, but that's the way it is. One girl on PM told me once that she told a family member, "You've always told me to do what makes me happy, and this is what makes me happy." And I think that people's families really need to put two and two together and accept that this is what makes the person happy.
I HIGHLY doubt you are a bad Catholic, and I'm sorry that you feel that that is what pushed your mother away from the Church. It is natural that your parents would like you to pursue a career, but if this is where you feel called, then that is that. I can't really give much more input than that because I have been blessed with super supportive parents, and I have never gone through that with people so close to me.

God Bless you and I am praying for you.
[/quote]

Thank you I am 25.. I realize that legally I don't need permission but I still want to encourage peace at home and also I feel there's a responsibility to take care of my parents when they are older. I want to put God's will first though. If He calls me, I'd need to go, and trust for Him to take care of my family both spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

[quote name='MarysLittleFlower' timestamp='1320111095' post='2329616']

Thank you I am 25.. I realize that legally I don't need permission but I still want to encourage peace at home and also I feel there's a responsibility to take care of my parents when they are older. I want to put God's will first though. If He calls me, I'd need to go, and trust for Him to take care of my family both spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
[/quote]
I understand what you mean. It is going to be and is very tough, and I am praying for you.

[MarysLittleFlower]

[quote name='Aya Sophia' timestamp='1320085818' post='2329429']
MLF, many thoughts in response to your post - responding here, as time allows:

It is wrong for your mother or anyone else to throw your sins in your face. My own beloved mother (eternal memory) began to do this after my conversion and my announcement that I thought i had a vocation. It can be a kind of attack and, alas, even well meaning people do it The barbs from such poisoned arrows have no rightful place in your heart. If you can, be like a beautiful piece of Teflon and bounce all this stuff right off yourself.[/quote]

I know what you mean... sadly I've made many mistakes.. What mom said to me, I think for my part I deserved it. Mostly because I have been often lazy or not motivated to advance my career, etc, - this has affected many things. There were other mistakes too, some major. It's really tough though too, because I feel a lot of guilt. I hope that God will forgive me and help me to repair the damage I've done. I think mom was maybe more open to religion before - maybe my failings became associated with Catholicism because it's such a 'visible' part of my life at home. There's also guilt because my family might have been more open to a religious vocation for me if I had been a better Catholic, because this might have drawn them closer to God. Sometimes there have been comments about my sinfulness, and I know I'm sinful but I don't want to get discouraged either cause that shows a distrust in God. I hope He can change me! I agree with what you are saying though, and that must have been very painful for you to get those comments. I don't understand why this happens. I often wonder, how much of it is my fault, etc. I think spending time in prayer could be helpful.

[quote]DO GO ON RETREAT - be the "pious creature" your love for God makes you long to be and go regularly on retreat, as much as finances and your schedule allow, meaning every few months, if possible. [/quote]

I would certainly love to go on a retreat I also want to be pious and to love God, but recently I've just been so discouraged with everything. I feel very unworthy to even consider religious life (I dont know if God would choose someone like me), but I still have an attraction to it. Maybe I could use this as a humbling opportunity. (ie: it's not about my weakness, but about His strength...and HIs strength becomes manifest in our weakness, soo.. :D ).

[quote]
This way, as the months and the year and two years go by, your "piousness" will begin to be perceived as, if not a "normal" part, then at least a non-threatening part of who you are. Regular retreats with communities that might be of interest to you will also help you begin to focus interiorly and truly begin to discern. If at first you're questioned about going on retreats, let people know the truth which is that you need to go on them. Other people go to the seaside or to the movies or wherever to be "recreated" - well, you go on retreat!

You "want [your] mother to be happy" - Pls note that YOU cannot make your mother happy - this is not for you to do and it is not, existentially, even possible. Your mother's happiness is her own responsibility. To draw closer to God is not damaging to anyone. If a parent feels hurt because his/her child is drawing closer to God and, in so doing, is stepping out of the parent's emotional control which "upsets" the parent, this does not mean the child should choose to stay close to the parent at the expense of drawing closer to God.[/quote]

I agree with you I'm just afraid I've contributed to making my mom unhappy, which is a very sad thing. I don't know her soul or what she truly thinks about faith, etc... maybe sometimes I was doing the right thing but it just appeared to be too much. My parents grew up agnostic so I understand that. I have a very "all or nothing" type of personality, even since childhood. but other times, I know I've made mistakes and sinned and was not a good example.

[quote]Sometimes the Lord allows us to be in a position (and it can be one of GREAT suffering) in which the sword of His Holy Spirit cleaves a divide between father and son, brother and sister, etc. Sometimes a painful choice is required of us. Choosing God mean, ultimately, choosing all, including the parent who believes themself abandoned or betrayed. Choosing the parent, on the other hand, means choosing the parent. If we make the latter choice God will not abandon us as He is always faithful to His promises but this won't change the fact that we have, out of an emotional attachment, chosen a creature over Him (all of this applies, of course, only if our circumstances truly do present us with such a choice - sometimes there is no choice to be made as the way ahead is singular and entirely clear to us).[/quote]

yes... I often fear this type of choice... I just pray that God would take care of my family. I love my mom and dad.. and I love Jesus and want to love Him above all things. It's still painful in a human way to consider religious life at all. I know my family wants me to marry and they want to have grandchildren. I don't want to break their hearts and then I think if Jesus is calling someone, and they say no, He would love them of course but that is so sad, to say no to Jesus. I dont want to do that. I remember reading about St Philomena... she is a great inspiration to me. Well her parents wanted her to marry the emperor (who was not Christian) and she chose to be a virgin, - and her parents pleaded with her to marry him, they used all kinds of ways to get her to change her mind... and she was only 13, I think, - but she didn't give in to anything. In the end, she didn't marry him and was martyred. What a Saint! She loved God so greatly

[quote]Your lack of siblings is an added difficulty for you but it does not mean you're obliged to lay down your life on the altar of your parents' old age. If your parents are still healthy and in command of their lives then they have the responsibility to be planning now for their old age in years to come and, if they love you unselfishly and wish your happiness and wellbeing, they should [u]not[/u] be making you the linch pin in those plans (and neither should you make yourself such).[/quote]

I think my family situation in general is kind of complicated... I don't think my parents are able to really plan for the future for various reasons. One of the reasons I'm encouraged to marry is so that I'm not left alone in old age, loneliness is kind of a feared thing in my family. Then I think, what if I would cause that to happen to my mom! And if it's seen as ingratitude that could push her further from the Church. I wish it could just be that I could do God's will and my parents would live happily together for a long time. (this is supposing if I am called to a religious vocation). I know there are a lot of "ifs" here... that's how these fears work I guess.

[quote]It is clear this is a period of suffering in your life - it may already have been so for many years and it may be for many years more. The way ahead for you is [u]through[/u] it, however - there is no way around it. So, try to be faithful to the small but persistent voice of truth speaking within you (which is also the voice of Love). Nurture and encourage this voice so that it can become like a radar you can rely on and will give you the courage you need to choose rightly, despite the pain or difficulty involved. Lastly, if you can, speak more to the priest you mentioned or more to someone who is compassionate and has some understanding of your situation. Prayers for you, Mary's Little Flower
[/quote]

Thank you I'm sorry about my ramblings, - but I found your post encouraging. I find when I simply keep my eyes on God, that gives me courage.. or when I think of the Passion. It's when I look away that I become afraid. Maybe an element of trust is overcoming fear, especially fear of suffering. Please say a prayer for me that I would get to speak to the priest who spiritually directed me, he really understands my spiritual life..but he lives in another city and I was going to go there for a bit (I've been updating him and this was agreed, and I miss my old parish & need some guidance) - but I need God to provide an opportunity and the money, if it's indeed His will.

God bless!

[quote name='FutureCarmeliteClaire' timestamp='1320112895' post='2329655']
I understand what you mean. It is going to be and is very tough, and I am praying for you.
[/quote]

Thank you *hug*

Edited November 1, 2011 by MarysLittleFlower

[MarysLittleFlower]

[quote name='marigold' timestamp='1320095867' post='2329485']
Hoo boy, do I know this one. Both FCC and Aya give good advice - I would particularly emphasise Aya's 'pious creature' point. Besides actually being wonderfully good for you, getting in the habit of making retreats etc. really helps family transition from 'scary unknown thing' to 'a quirk of MLF's character'. There can't be many backgrounds [i]less[/i] conducive to accepting vocations than mine, but I sincerely believe that, for the small price of putting up with occasional fun-poking for a few years, the battle lines were softened a little.[/quote]

Thanks for the advice! the retreats are a good idea... and yes they can maybe help my family get more 'used' to religious life and monasteries.

[quote]Don't beat yourself up about being a shining example of how wonderful the Church is - again, been there. Your family know you, and a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed act is going to be about as convincing as the smile on the poor Mormon boy when he knocks on your door. Anyway, the point of evangelising isn't to show people how great and sinless [i]you[/i] are, but how holy and amesome the Lord is in his mercy. The Lord is more than capable of bringing your family into the Church when and how he deigns: your part in it is to get on with being yourself.[/quote]

that is a really good point.. hmm.. that is true. I hope with time God's action would become more apparent to my family despite or even because of my mistakes (as in the case of His mercy). Sometimes though, even when I don't think I'm making a mistake, my family simply disagrees with my approach to faith... I think sometimes it's wished that I could be more "normal" and all this spiritual stuff seems a little too much. I'm not blaming my family here cause they grew up in an entirely agnostic environment. I don't know if what I'm doing is too much or not... or if it had helped if I was a better Christian to begin with... but I become weak spiritually without devotions, spiritual reading, church. I need that stuff or I get really worldly. Maybe I could just keep it hidden a bit more.

[quote]And if your self, your real and true self, is a nun, then your family will, ultimately, recognise that. They won't accept it because they suddenly come to love Christ and his Ark of Salvation, but [u]because they love you[/u]. They may come round - or they may not. That's in God's hands. So is what happens when they are unable to care for themselves in their venerable old age. Most convents will allow 'compassionate leave' for these situations - but we can't change a single thing by worrying about it before the fact.[/quote]

I have heard about 'compassionate leave' also.. this uncertainty about the future really forces one to trust doesn't it?? If God calls me to be a nun I hope my family would see that I am happy.

[quote]Parents, when they are good and sane parents, want their children to be happy and safe, and if you can show them that you will be happy and safe as a nun - not by a conscious effort to be 'perfect' but by honestly and diligently following the call until it leads you home - then that is all it will take. I am thrilled for you. It's so exciting to read that others are doing this too; you are in my prayers and if there is anything I can help you with, don't hesitate to ask. I just find the whole thing so exciting and wonderful that I can't imagine anyone would want to be anything else
[/quote]

thank you! oh and I love the dancing nun. hehe. I do have struggles with scrupulosity and wanting to be 'perfect'. Sometimes it's better to just accept our weakness but be faithful out of love for God. I think religious life is very beautiful... God's will be done! Thank you for the prayers and I will pray for you also.

God bless

Edited November 1, 2011 by MarysLittleFlower

[MarysLittleFlower]

I'm glad I found this forum it's very rare that I can talk about this topic and it's great to meet others who are discerning & feel similarly

[TheresaThoma]

I sympathize with you on having non Catholic parents and discerning. It can be tough, you have to balance what you feel you need to do and what your parents want you to do. One thing that I accepted early on was if I waited for my parents to be supportive of my vocation then I would be waiting around forever. Right now I have accepted their position as "not actively blocking me from discerning". Be patient with them, this can be kind of a mourning process for them. At first they may lash out in anger but you will have to weather the storm and eventually the anger part will wear out.
Another thing that you should make a decision on is how much you want to/need to share with your parents. For example I have figured out that for me and my parents I only tell them when it is something major (like going on a come and see). I don't tell them all the details about what communities I am in contact with, if a VD called me back etc. The less is more approach works well for me.
Prayers for you!

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thank you for the advice! those are good points. I think the less is more approach might be best for me as well. It can be overwhelming for the family to be told every tiny detail/thought/idea etc. God bless!