What Should I Do?

[4588686]

One step at a time. You get through difficult times by asking yourself at each particular moment 'can you bear it now?' Each particular moment you can bear it. It's when you take everything all at once that it crushes you. Ask yourself 'can I bear it now' and if you can then take one more step forwards. If you can't then drop out because you're not helping anyone in that state.

I'm sorry things are so shiitake mushroom for you. You're a good person and deserve better.

[beatitude]

Lillabett,

I am horrified about what you have told us here about the guilty burden you have been placed under. It is important to remember that teaching is an educational experience for the teacher, just as it is for the students, which means that you will make mistakes and you will worry. [i]You are allowed to be vulnerable[/i] - what matters is not that you get everything right 100% of the time, but that you show willingness to try even in a difficult situation. Isn't this what the school is asking of its students? They are in a very tough position in life, and they're not going to morph into perfect little scholars with an A+ average. What matters most is that they learn to try their best, to accept their weaknesses without being afraid or ashamed of them, to explore their potential (even when that's scary), and to have faith in their ability to learn without thinking that they've failed and might as well give up if they don't reach a certain standard immediately.

It won't be your fault if those children don't get promoted to second grade. They've been dealt a bad hand in life, and no one person can fix that in the space of twelve months. Promotion might not even be what they need. I have worked in special education, where many of the teenagers had emotional and behavioural problems, and although the pressure was on us to keep them moving up, sometimes we had to let them repeat a year. This is not a conveyor belt. You have to be responsive to each individual child's needs, and sometimes a child needs longer in one place - especially if they're first-graders. Some of these kids may be seriously struggling to adjust to the school environment and what's expected of them. Not your fault. Not theirs. There is no way they can all be turned into clones who all achieve the same goal in the same space of time.

I am angry that your school is rebuffing your attempts to reach out for help instead of commending you for your honesty, your self-awareness, and your willingness to seek support. Needing this support does not make you weak or unfit for the job; it is a sign of a committed teacher who is doing what she can to equip herself with the tools that she need to work in this environment. Look for some help, and don't ever blame yourself for needing it. You aren't failing anyone, least of all those children.

I will pray for you. You've got my rosary tonight.

[MithLuin]

I apologize for not reading the thread before replying.


Teaching is a stressful job. The first year is the most difficult, because every single thing is new and it's a *lot* to keep up with. I know teachers who pull all-nighters in the first few weeks of school trying to get everything done. (And those aren't first year teachers, even.) Teaching in an empoverished area is even more challenging than teaching in middle class suburbia, because the kids tend to come from slightly more chaotic homes and more expectations are put on the school to take care of them. Also...you're starting from scratch with alot of the expectations, so just getting kids to take things home and bring them back can be a huge deal - not a simple matter of placing a paper in their folder!

I forget if you have a one-year or two-year agreement with your program, but I would urge you to stick it out for one year, and get the resources and help you need to support you during this time. You're not doing your first graders any favors if you go nuts in February. No local family/friends can be very isolating and lonely, so is there anything you can do to address that? Find a group to join, socialize at church, talk to others in your program? If you go home for Christmas, you may find it *extremely* difficult to come back to work...but go home anyway. It will be good to be with family and recharge.

It's perfectly normal for you to view your current circumstances as extremely stressful, and I'd be surprised if you were reporting you loved it and everything was great! So, it's not like you 'aren't cut out for this' or anything like that...it's that you haven't yet reached your stride. Keep trying, and keep talking to people - especially your co-workers, who can give you plenty of good advice.

[MithLuin]

...and now I've read the thread.

Wow. Just...wow. I know very little about TFA, but reading what you've written, I don't trust them *at all*.

My first year of teaching was in an inner city Catholic high school, and I had no preparation of any sort for it - no education classes, no student teaching. It was rough, let me tell you! So, I do sympathize with your situation.

BUT (and this is important), my co-workers were extremely supportive. Whenever I came to the dean of discipline with a problem, he told me I was doing a great job. The school averaged one fight a week, so there were fights in my classroom sometimes, which I was in no position to handle. Let's face it, I wasn't doing 'great' by any standards I had...but I was trying, and I did come back every day, so... I made a ton of mistakes. Some of them were even the sorts of things that would get you fired in a normal school. But...that experience taught me alot about teaching, and some of those students thought I was great. In high school, you never know what they had before, you see, so someone who shows up and cares whether or not they did their work can be a big deal.

The reality is that teaching is a profession with an extremely high turnover rate. Many teachers do not last beyond one year; they decide it's not for them and move on. Focusing on 'unprepared' new teachers in 'challenging' schools...the turnover rate is very, very high. My first year, I was one of ten new faculty...on a faculty of 25. Nine of us had no prior experience in education whatsoever. At least one is still at the school, nearly 10 years later, so, hey, it can work out! But the point is that you're in an extremely chanllenging position, and sure it takes some inspiration and hard work to get through it. But you'll help no one if you have a breakdown, so don't let anyone guilt you into not taking care of your own mental health and well-being.

Trust your coworkers, and find counseling support *outside* of TFA. You're crying alot, you're depressed, your family is worried about you...you need resources now, not later. Sounds like they use all these guilt trips to make people stay, because a high drop out rate makes their program look bad. Much better to tell you that, hey, reality is you can't save anyone. Only Jesus does that. Praying for your students at adoration is probably alot more useful than feeling guilty about the work you have to do. You are there to serve these kids, to help them to learn...and you will do your best to do that. You aren't there to fix their lives.

Sometimes, that's what hurts most about this job. You meet a kid, you work with them alot...and then you find out what is going on at home. And it breaks your heart to know there's nothing you can do. (Obviously, in the case of criminal abuse, you are legally obligated to report.)

Also, I've been lectured at a faculty meeting that we teachers should all be more 'professional' - and what this meant is that we should keep going way above and beyond our job description with pay that came out to be about minimum wage and with no resources. People throw out that word as a weapon...I guess of guilt-tripping...and inside I was certainly seething, 'Well, maybe if you'd [i]pay[/i] us like professionals....' [For anyone who is curious, my salary was $17,500...before health insurance benefits were taken out.] Contrast this with my first school, where the principal and other staff (not to mention the parents) always made us feel appreciated and valued, even though the pay was nothing impressive. If you want people to do their best work, you don't threaten or demean them...you inspire them. [If someone needs to be disciplined, that's another matter entirely.]

My first piece of advice to you is to find a way to reduce your workload. Get help grading the papers. At the end of the day, does every single paper have to be graded for the kids to learn? (Nope; research doesn't support that mentality.) What the kids need is feedback, and to know if they are doing things right or wrong. Test them verbally - instant grades! There may be some assignments where they can swap papers with a neighbor and grade it as you go over it with the whole class. If you're staying up into the small hours of the night cutting out shapes in brightly colored paper for projects for the kids...find ways to make *them* do that - they need more practice with their scissor skills than you do! I acknowledge that this is very difficult - teachers have a ton of work to do, between planning and grading - but if you do not protect some of your own time, you will completely burn out before Thanksgiving. Obviously, listen to your principal and whoever else is in charge of you, but find out what you can do to be a great and [i]sane[/i] teacher in this school.

Edited October 13, 2011 by MithLuin

[Noel's angel]

There is only one problem (and it's not an easy one to solve). You're being much too hard on yourself.

You're feeling pressure because you're piling it on yourself. It isn't because of pressure from others. As you said, other teachers have said you are doing well, have patted you on the back and think that you're doing a good job. You have to get to the stage where that is enough to keep you happy. You cannot be a perfect teacher, much like the fact that no parent can be a perfect parent. Children will make mistakes, they will fail, but not because of you. Heck, God is perfect and he created us and we fail all the time. I'm certain that if your weren't good enough for this job, you would have been told so already.

I'll pray for you, that this burden will be lifted.

[Lilllabettt]

So. I had my formal evaulation today. My assistant principal told me I am the best 1st year teacher in the building, on par with the 4th years. It is the wierdest thing to realize that you are wearing Depression Goggles, because even with her pointing out the good stuff, I still can't see it.

I did tell her I was thinking about quitting.
In fact when she came to see me my resignation letter was still coming out of the printer.

So she has gotten me a counselor through the public schools employee program. And she is changing where she parks so that she can walk out of the building at 4:30 with me - to make sure I leave. She seems really nice and wanting to make it so I can find a way to stay.

I think the key thing for me will be to stay away from TFA stuff as much as possible and do the bare minimum in terms of work from them. The people there are okay, but their philosophy is toxic to me. I have to work on getting it out of my head.

Thanks y'all

[missionseeker]

this lady sounds like a much better person to get feedback from. I'm glad you found her.

[she_who_is_not]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' timestamp='1318540226' post='2320778']
So. I had my formal evaulation today. My assistant principal told me I am the best 1st year teacher in the building, on par with the 4th years. It is the wierdest thing to realize that you are wearing Depression Goggles, because even with her pointing out the good stuff, I still can't see it.

I did tell her I was thinking about quitting.
In fact when she came to see me my resignation letter was still coming out of the printer.

So she has gotten me a counselor through the public schools employee program. And she is changing where she parks so that she can walk out of the building at 4:30 with me - to make sure I leave. She seems really nice and wanting to make it so I can find a way to stay.

I think the key thing for me will be to stay away from TFA stuff as much as possible and do the bare minimum in terms of work from them. The people there are okay, but their philosophy is toxic to me. I have to work on getting it out of my head.

Thanks y'all
[/quote]

I am sooooo glad. I haven't wanted to say anything because I feel like my advice would be inadequate. I've been praying for you. alot. And will continue to pray. I know what first years are like. If you want to talk please PM me. I'm great in crisis and would be happy to help with anything!!! And I mean it!

[regina_coeli]

So happy that she is supportive and recognizes how hard you have worked. Hope you have a wonderful weekend and have a chance to get a little rest. Prayers continue.

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' timestamp='1318540226' post='2320778']
So. I had my formal evaulation today. My assistant principal told me I am the best 1st year teacher in the building, on par with the 4th years. It is the wierdest thing to realize that you are wearing Depression Goggles, because even with her pointing out the good stuff, I still can't see it.

I did tell her I was thinking about quitting.
In fact when she came to see me my resignation letter was still coming out of the printer.

So she has gotten me a counselor through the public schools employee program. And she is changing where she parks so that she can walk out of the building at 4:30 with me - to make sure I leave. She seems really nice and wanting to make it so I can find a way to stay.

I think the key thing for me will be to stay away from TFA stuff as much as possible and do the bare minimum in terms of work from them. The people there are okay, but their philosophy is toxic to me. I have to work on getting it out of my head.

Thanks y'all
[/quote]

Thanks be to God! I'm so glad to hear that the assistant principal heard your cries for help. Obviously, she thinks you are wonderful if she wants to salvage your relationship with the school. I agree that you should not take your work home with you as much as you can. I understand that there are times when you have to grade papers and such. My mom used to be a teacher before she went on disability and I used to help her grade papers and prepare for art projects. Sometimes, on the weekends, she'd have to go set up the classroom for the next week and my sister and I would go with her and decorate bulletin boards, set up the little library corner in her room, prepare papers, and do a general cleaning of the desks and chairs (you would not imagine how dirty those desks got over the course of week ).

Don't feel bad about crying. My mom taught my 6th grade science class as an interim teacher and there was one day where she felt really stressed out. I don't remember if she was grading papers or just preparing lesson plans, but my sister and I were in the room with her after school and she just started crying. It was her first job as a lone teacher (before, she was an intern). I was glad I was there with her because she needed consoling. She just felt very overwhelmed at that moment. I rubbed her back and gave her a big hug for several minutes. It always helps when you are feeling low.

Try to find a support balance in your school. When my mom started teaching at one of the low-income schools, she knew she needed help and asked the teachers who had been there the longest what their strategies were for getting things done. Of course, she needed to find her own niche, but it helped having suggestions. As a result, she maintained communication with her fellow grade teachers. Maybe you all could go out for dinner or a movie and just blow off some steam together. It always helps to step away from whatever is making you frustrated and depressed.

I hope that your therapy goes well. Many prayers for you, lilllabettt.

Edited October 14, 2011 by MaterMisericordiae

[Luigi]

Enjoy. Hum throughout the day, as needed.
[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1sGzt0gEaw"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1sGzt0gEaw[/url]

[Papist]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' timestamp='1318540226' post='2320778']
So. I had my formal evaulation today. My assistant principal told me I am the best 1st year teacher in the building, on par with the 4th years. It is the wierdest thing to realize that you are wearing Depression Goggles, because even with her pointing out the good stuff, I still can't see it.

I did tell her I was thinking about quitting.
In fact when she came to see me my resignation letter was still coming out of the printer.

So she has gotten me a counselor through the public schools employee program. And she is changing where she parks so that she can walk out of the building at 4:30 with me - to make sure I leave. She seems really nice and wanting to make it so I can find a way to stay.

I think the key thing for me will be to stay away from TFA stuff as much as possible and do the bare minimum in terms of work from them. The people there are okay, but their philosophy is toxic to me. I have to work on getting it out of my head.

Thanks y'all
[/quote]
Lilllabettt, Peace be with you!
This is good. It seems like you are your worst enemy. I know a few young teachers, including my sister-in-law, and they all experienced what are right now. Have faith and believe your assistant principal. I would also sit down, perhaps with the counselor, and make a list of the things that are getting you down. Then next to each one write down actions you can take to improve/correct it. Make the actions concrete so you know that you are moving in a positive direction. The actions should not be vague, but measurable. For example, many people say they will exercise more for their new year's resolution. How do you measure that. But if they say they will do 10 push-ups, 10 sit-ups and 10 chin-ups everyday, that is measurable.

God bless you!

[AccountDeleted]

How wonderful that your a/principal is so understanding, and that she appreciates you so much! My prayers for your counseling to go well and for you to have the strength to endure until things start to seem better to you. I think you're right - stay away from toxic people!

[Aya Sophia]

Lilllabettt,

I just now read this thread. I'm so glad you have had and have the "phamily" to turn to during these difficult times. You are an inspiration (to me and I'm sure to many) in your courage. (Note: being courageous normally doesn't feel nice and has nothing to do with keeping our eyes dry!)

The only word I would have to offer (same advice I'm offering myself these days) is

1. look for all the support you can, in your circumstances (seems this is happening now)
2. stick it out instead of taking to flight. This means committing to remain a certain time (a year is a good length since we continue to make basic and significant adjustments to a new life for at least that long) Make the commitment and then focus on the here and now, living in a way and making choices that are helpful to your perseverence, to keeping to your commitment

Take heart - the Lord is very near. Prayers for you as you continue on your journey.