What Should I Do?

[Lil Red]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' timestamp='1318131295' post='2318278']

I thought about using that line ... I'm afraid to though. It's kind of a serious things to say and you can't "un-say" it. Say it to the wrong person and they'll have you hospitalized. I can see them carrying me off while I whine "I said POTENTIALLY!"

p.s. i like cake. a lot.
[/quote]
i've had that fear before.

[Luigi]

Everybody else has said a lot of good stuff. I don't know you well enough to make a diagnosis - nor do I have the training, for that matter. With that caveat in mind.... I see three possibilities:

1. You are a perfectionist - you expect to do everything expertly the first time around, and to look good doing it, too. Is that a possibility? Have you heard that from other reliable sources previously?

2. You need counseling - of course, the counselor won't be able to answer your question litany, nor will she be able to resolve the homesickness-new location-new job issues, but she'll probably have some questions/activities to help you arrive at your own answers or develop coping strategies.

3. You need something stronger than counseling - by your own diagnosis, you're depressed... even if you don't have credentials either, I think we all know when we're depressed.

In any case, you must DO [i]some[/i]thing. Stewing in your own juices, toughing it out, repeating your woes to yourself, even telling us about them, haven't made an improvement. Does TFA provide insurance benefits? If so, does it include a .. oh, what do they call those things? Employee Assistance Plan or something? Ours lets us go to counselors, AA-type rehab programs, and other kinds of health-&-wellness places. Find a counselor through the EAP. And/or contact that live-in & work part-time place - that's something you can DO right now - to see if the offer remains open and when they'd' let you come (now? Christmas break? End of the school year?).

Seeking help is not a failure - it's not even a negative - even if you're a perfectionist. (Other people have said so, too, but it bears repeating.)

The how-can-I-be-26-and-still-so-messed-up question seems to be the root of all this evil -or maybe the product. You're undermining your self-evaluation, and generalizing your low self-evaluation - basically, I hear you saying, "I'm not happy doing this, I MUST BE A TERRIBLE PERSON!" I doubt it - you're probably just "not happy doing this." I worked in a job I hated - I can't find words to properly explain how broadly, deeply, and intensely I hated it - for a long time. A LONG time! Seventeen years, as a matter of fact. I decided not once, but twice, to commit suicide and went to specific places with specific plans to do so. I just never could bring myself to do it. Too chickenspit. I think I was doing the same thing that I mention above - I hate this job, I MUST BE A TERRIBLE PERSON!

The problem is you don't know what the problem is, therefore you can't brainstorm alternatives, therefore you can't do anything about the problem, so you feel powerless/ineffective/26-years-old-and-still-a-mess... which is not a good way to feel.

DO [i]some[/i]thing.

And I'm glad the children are not hitting you or burning you out of the classroom. But it would be so much easier if the little darlings really were the problem, wouldn't it?

[i]PS:[/i] I pray for you every day (when I have time and[i]remember [/i]to pray), by name; I'll keep it up until you say I can stop.

Edited October 9, 2011 by Luigi

[Lilllabettt]

[quote name='Luigi' timestamp='1318140772' post='2318446']
Everybody else has said a lot of good stuff. I don't know you well enough to make a diagnosis - nor do I have the training, for that matter. With that caveat in mind.... I see three possibilities:

1. You are a perfectionist - you expect to do everything expertly the first time around, and to look good doing it, too. Is that a possibility? Have you heard that from other reliable sources previously? [/quote]

Kind of true. I am a bit of a perfectionist. I expect a lot of myself- and this particular program Im in hasn't helped that at all. I think its a good program but in the end is exactly wrong for who I am right now. Their philosophy is to set very high expectations. they expect us to make "transformational change" with each and every child, our first year. They pound this into us. If the children aren't learning, then what you're dong isn't "teaching." We have to have a wide "locus of control" - its my job to motivate and "invest" kids, their parents, school admin. etc. Then they tell us these stories about how life expectancy for these parituclar kids in this particular community is really onl y 50, so iff you don't transform them they are going to die young, and it will be your fault.

So I feel like I can't meet these expectations and thus feel like a dissapointing heap of doggy doo.


[quote]

2. You need counseling - of course, the counselor won't be able to answer your question litany, nor will she be able to resolve the homesickness-new location-new job issues, but she'll probably have some questions/activities to help you arrive at your own answers or develop coping strategies. [/quote]

I need counseling, I think for sure. That is another reason I'm afraid to get out of this situation. No more insurance. But maybe I can find something on a sliding scale.

[quote]
3. You need something stronger than counseling - by your own diagnosis, you're depressed... even if you don't have credentials either, I think we all know when we're depressed.[/quote]

Before I go for the pills I would like to try counseling. On the other hand I want out of this mindset NOW and I know if it does end up that talking isn't enough, it will take like months before the drugs build up and take effect, and maybe the first go wouldn't work ... so maybe should get started sooner rather than later? hmmm

I tried talking to my program director about this ... like i said he wanted me to do these "strategies" first ... maybe i should try again? I don't know. I have serious reservations. I talked to a couple friends of mine who quit ... one because she was about ot be fired, one because she was having a mental crisis. They both said that when they expressed thoughts that they couldn't go on, they received major guilt trips, how cnan you think of leaving your children, you don't really love them, were never committed to them, you're not working hard enough etc. The one who had the break down told me that she asked for help repeatedly and they just told her that other people pushed through and so should she.

So now I am reluctant to humilate myself if it does nothing but get me in trouble ...

maybe I should just find a doctor on my own.

[quote]
The problem is you don't know what the problem is, therefore you can't brainstorm alternatives, therefore you can't do anything about the problem, so you feel powerless/ineffective/26-years-old-and-still-a-mess... which is not a good way to feel.
[/quote]

This is how I feel exactly, spot on.

[quote]
[i]PS:[/i] I pray for you every day (when I have time and[i]remember [/i]to pray), by name; I'll keep it up until you say I can stop.
[/quote]

Thank you for holding me up. I can't tell you what it means to me.

Edited October 10, 2011 by Lilllabettt

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' timestamp='1318212794' post='2318877']
I need counseling, I think for sure. That is another reason I'm afraid to get out of this situation. No more insurance. [b]But maybe I can find something on a sliding scale.[/b]
[/quote]

This is what I did when I lost my insurance. If you go through the state, they should have a county behavioral center you can go to. You may have to go online to find it, but they are available in pretty much every state. I also am seeing a therapist that works for the diocese who takes sliding scale patients. I pay $25 each time I see her (well, my mom does). I'm sure you can find something. Best of luck!

Edited October 10, 2011 by MaterMisericordiae

[OnlySunshine]

Here are some resources to help you find a center in Tulsa:

[url="http://www.odmhsas.org/menthealth.htm"]Mental Health Services (scroll down to your city; they have several)[/url]

[url="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Tulsa-Center-for-Behavioral-Health-ODMHSAS/119901761355841#!/pages/Tulsa-Center-for-Behavioral-Health-ODMHSAS/119901761355841?sk=info"]Tulsa Center for Behavioral Health[/url] (Facebook page)

[url="http://www.brookhavenhospital.com/"]Brookhaven Hospital [/url](has outpatient counseling and services)

[url="http://www.parksideinc.org/adult.html"]Parkside Psychiatric Hospital and Clinic[/url] (offer adult outpatient counseling and services, including assistance for non-insured)

[url="http://www.actcares.org/"]Associated Centers for Therapy[/url]

If you would prefer a Catholic therapist, there is this service:

[url="http://www.catholictherapists.com/find-a-therapist.html"]Catholic Therapist Finder[/url]

[Luigi]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' timestamp='1318212794' post='2318877']

Then they tell us these stories about how life expectancy for these parituclar kids in this particular community is really onl y 50, so iff you don't transform them they are going to die young, and it will be your fault."

YIKES! This is more than just a guilt trip! Haven't they ever heard that it takes a village to raise a child? You could be the best teacher for states around, but you'd still be just a teacher. Are there no mothers, father, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, pastors, doctors, neighbors, police, or social workers to collaborate with you? Must you save the wolrd - or this classroom of little darlings - single-handedly? I don't think Harry Potter could do that much. I don't think Frodo Baggins could do that much. And they had magic & wizards on their sides!


"I tried talking to my program director about this ... like i said he wanted me to do these "strategies" first ... maybe i should try again? I don't know. I have serious reservations. I talked to a couple friends of mine who quit ... one because she was about ot be fired, one because she was having a mental crisis. They both said that when they expressed thoughts that they couldn't go on, they received major guilt trips, how cnan you think of leaving your children, you don't really love them, were never committed to them, you're not working hard enough etc. The one who had the break down told me that she asked for help repeatedly and they just told her that other people pushed through and so should she."

Okay, these are the same tactics that cults use - square business, with no BS. They entice you to join by painting a rosy picture; once you're in, the picture isn't nearly so rosy; when you express dissatisfaction/doubts, they tell you to keep your mouth shut; when you try to leave, they block the door.



"Thank you for holding me up. I can't tell you what it means to me."
[/quote]

Here's something to cheer you up. Ignore the verse lyrics - it was written for pop radio, what can I tell you? - pay more attention to the chorus. And feel free to dance & sing along.
[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSjB3XmW30w"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSjB3XmW30w[/url]

[cmaD2006]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' timestamp='1318212794' post='2318877']
Before I go for the pills I would like to try counseling. On the other hand I want out of this mindset NOW and I know if it does end up that talking isn't enough, it will take like months before the drugs build up and take effect, and maybe the first go wouldn't work ... so maybe should get started sooner rather than later? hmmm

I tried talking to my program director about this ... like i said he wanted me to do these "strategies" first ... maybe i should try again? I don't know. I have serious reservations. I talked to a couple friends of mine who quit ... one because she was about ot be fired, one because she was having a mental crisis. They both said that when they expressed thoughts that they couldn't go on, they received major guilt trips, how cnan you think of leaving your children, you don't really love them, were never committed to them, you're not working hard enough etc. The one who had the break down told me that she asked for help repeatedly and they just told her that other people pushed through and so should she.
[/quote]

I probably should have figured out how to quote Luigi's post (but some of his thoughts are written in "your quote")

My three cents are:
a) you can leave when you need to. Just remember this. Yeah there's the guilt trip, but if its a question between your sanity and leaving, then RUN and leave.
b) Medications *may* help you with therapy. Sometimes a person can be so deep in the depression and for long enough that the hormones in the mind are completely imbalanced. The meds help to get you to a space where you can think straight.
c) my last experience in religious life (I know two totally different circumstances, but bear with me) was rough, and at the 6 month point I got not only depressed, but it was a "hopeless" feeling. It was horrible. It took 2 years for me to come out of what I called an abyss. What got me out of that was getting to a place where I could work out what had happened with people I could trust. The person who helped me the most was a sister in (get this) the 1st community I had been in. Seek the therapy, but not only therapy look for someone who can help you spiritually as well. Remember that the physical/psychological/spiritual/emotional is all intertwined, and one thing being out of whack can affect all other aspects of you. Besides having another person (other than the program director) to talk to can help you make a clear decision as to whether to stay or go, and having a person who is not biased help you is key. The program director (in my mind) is interested in doing what is best for the program, not necessarily what is best for Lilllabett

Praying for you.... I really hope that you can get back to being you .

[Seven77]

i will offer my difficult situation for your difficult situation. be of good cheer--Christ has conquered the world and it's just a matter of time before we share in the fullness of his victory... i can't wait.

[Lilllabettt]

Guilt trip. Not said to me. "Imagined" by another tfa teacher who strongly objects to people leaving in the middle of the year.

[font=georgia,serif]“You are an adult, Luzianne. You can choose to leave. Every day, you make a choice to come to school or not. Then, you choose to teach or not. Then, you choose to shoulder the emotional burden ... or not. You can choose: do it or not.[/font]
[font=georgia,serif]“Kiara does not have the luxury of choosing. Should Kiara choose not to come to school, the truancy officer will drag her right back. Should Kiara choose not to learn, she will be trapped ever more suffocatingly in the poverty cycle from which her family has yet to escape. Should Kiara choose not to do what her teacher tells her to do, she doesn’t learn to read, she doesn’t learn to add, and she doesn’t learn to be a productive member of society.[/font]
[font=georgia,serif]“And Luzianne, if you choose to stop shouldering the burden then it lands on KIara's tiny little shoulders now.”[/font]
[font=georgia,serif]Corps members who choose to quit in a selfish way are choosing to screw over the children they fought for in the abstract but couldn’t come to terms with in the real. The difference between those corps members and me is that I continue to find ways I can be autonomous and effective, even if that day it means I chose the worksheet for the one center I’m allowed to choose because Kiara needs that practice.[/font]
[font=georgia,serif]I’m the adult. They are children. They don’t get to choose and I already did.[/font]
[font=georgia,serif]If you choose to make this commitment, choose to make this commitment. If you find it’s not what you were trained for or envisioned, stand strong until an appropriate time to leave makes itself available; like, May. Let’s be adults, here,"[/font]

Edited October 13, 2011 by Lilllabettt

[MIKolbe]

What an obnoxiously stupid attempt at motivation or even explanation. It's laughable.

I can see what they are trying to say, which in the end is "stick it out till May"; but what a bass ackwards way of communicating it. They say, 'let's be adults, here'; and after engaging in a pre-pubescent guilt trip worthy of the annals of 'I wanna get my way'.

Sometimes, Lilla, you need to do your best IN SPITE OF your bosses/superiors/even peers. It's rough you have to do this so early in your career; but trust me, it won't be the last time.

I do actually agree that you should 'stick it out'; but I cannot begin to comprehend/understand all that you are going through now. This is why I have remained somewhat quite and just offered prayers for my thai-food buddy.

In the end, I believe in you and I know you can do this.

[missionseeker]

the mindset that these kids have"no choice" is half the problem.

[dominicansoul]

lilia, i felt the same way when i first entered the convent. alot of that was missing my family. My mom and I were extremely close, we had like a "supernatural" bond even hahaaha... so leaving her was the toughest thing I could ever do. Religious life, as you know, is its hardest when you first enter. Everything is sooo different, and you are still in the midst of "strangers" for the most part, so, that emotional need for close family is intense. When I thought of giving up, I went to my Mother Superior and she gave me a good talking to. She said, I wouldn't have made it into the community if it had not been God's will. God definitely wanted me there, and she, as my superior, wasn't going to let me walk away. She told me to weather the storm, because the dark clouds would disappear in no time and things would brighten up.

I cried every single day for two months. But she was right. When i decided to live each day at a time, and stop worrying about the future, stop worrying about my family, and giving to God every single moment... things did brighten up. Before i even knew what was happening, i was forging relationships with these strangers who were now my "sisters." I couldn't wait for each day to begin... for me it was like Christmas everyday...

I know it is very difficult to move so far from family, to not be around people you know, and to take on a very tough job like teaching. Hang in there, you have all of our prayers, and I know that things will get better. Please continue to seek counseling, I'll pray you find yourself a good doctor/therapist. And I will pray for you. Like MIKolb.e said, I know you can do it... pray each day for the will of God, and He will help you make the decisions and guide you on what you need to do...

...eventually i left the convent because my mother was dying... it wasn't God's will for me to stay, it was only meant for me to experience the wonders of putting my life in His hands, and taking that step to give myself totally to Him... that time in the convent will be with me forever, and I don't regret any of it... I hope you will be able to say the same for this experience... God bless you

Edited October 13, 2011 by dominicansoul

[brandelynmarie]

peace---->

[cmaD2006]

[quote name='missionseeker' timestamp='1318505537' post='2320570']
the mindset that these kids have"no choice" is half the problem.
[/quote]

It is such a lie -- it's the parents who need to act. My sister saw that my niece was not getting the education she should be ... so she acted. She found a scholarship program. They applied. They got it -- my niece went to a top school with a really large tuition (think more than 1/2 of an ivy league tuition). Now she is at a top ranked university.

If my sister hadn't acted? Who knows. My niece *could* still be at a top school, but I for one know from experience that the education you get at a public inner city high school (even top ranked) does NOT properly prepare you for the college experience at a top ranked university. And now ... my niece, she's working hard, but she's getting through it without fearing that she's going to flunk out. She knows what she needs to do for that A. It took me 3 years at the university to get the hang of it.

So back on topic ...

Lilllabettt ... I'm praying for you. May the Lord and our Lady guide you to the right decision, and may that decision bring you an awe-some sense of peace.

[Lilllabettt]

If I could know that my children would be okay I would leave in a heartbeat. I have been brainwashed, there's no going back. I wish a million times I had plugged my ears and never heard any of it. Then I could just be a normal first year teacher instead of one with all of this "responsibility." But there's no unringing the bell, and no way out. If I stay, I know some of the really low ones will not get to 2nd grade level by the end of the year. It will be my fault, it will be my guilt that I wasn't able to save them. If I go, who knows, they will get a teacher who doesn't cry for 3 hrs every day, but the disruption will be harmful, maybe they will not get to 2nd grade level, it will be my fault my fault.It doesn't matter what I do, I am going down.

Dear phatmass, I can't stop crying. But I have to because its only 10 minutes before the kids need picked up from recess.
This weekend is my sisters wedding. I am going to have to shut this off so that she stays the star of the show - happy, hopeful etc.
I feel that I will never be happy again. Oh God why are you so far away