Time Heals... Is That True?

[rachael]

Red,
When my boyfriend died in a car crash in 2009, I was devastated. I loved him and even thought I was going to marry him. However, it didn't seem to be in the plans. I still think of him often and Matt understands. He knows it takes time to get over devastation. He doesn't mind if I bring his name up from time to time to discuss my feelings. About a month ago we were in Savannah, Ga where the bf had lived. Matt left me alone on the beach (I asked him to) so I could mourn in my own special way. It was nice and touching of Matt, and I left the beach with my heart a little bit lighter than it was before. I still think of him once in a while, and I did earlier today. However, it is getting less often.
I hope I never stop thinking of him, because he certainly was an important person in my life. I just think of all the good times we had. I want it to stay that way, but I know it will still be a while.

[fides quarens intellectum]

It's been 9 years, but I still miss my dad. I still cry; I still pray for his soul. We didn't part on good terms, so I still wonder what I would have said or done if I'd somehow known he was going to die so suddenly. It still hurts, and I'm not sure that time heals, but it's like I've just gotten used to having that part of my immediate family missing. Anniversaries are the worst, though, and when I lost an unborn child last year, it felt like losing my dad all over again.

I still talk about my dad - I try to remember all the good things and share stories about him with my husband, since he only knows my dad from pictures. I guess that's just how things go, though.

[missionseeker]

Grief smells of elderberries. I do not understand how anyone can get through it if they don't believe there is a point or hope or comfort.

[Maccabeus]

To be quite honest, I think it does especially depending on who its about. About ten years ago my girlfriend left me for my best friend,
For the first 3 years I was in such severe missery, that everything that was wrong I wished upon them, right now I'm married obviously to someone else, and I'm at peace. At least once a year my ex wants/ and tries to be friends with me on facebook etc, I forgave her in my heart, I just don't care to know her. btw I appreciate the thread cause I relized I never remembered to confess this sin, So I do so today.

[BG45]

[quote name='missionseeker' timestamp='1319279094' post='2325084']
Grief smells of elderberries. I do not understand how anyone can get through it if they don't believe there is a point or hope or comfort.
[/quote]

You totally reminded me of my mom just now.

When dad's youngest brother died after drinking himself to death in the decades following Vietnam, they had the funeral at a local funeral home. Apparently it was a three ring circus; none of them believed in an afterlife of any sort and everyone was bawling. One of dad's sisters had to apparently be pried off the casket at one point because she was just sobbing over her brother's body.

The director of the funeral home told my mother that he had been in the business for decades and had never seen anything like it. She was just glad they'd left me at grandma's since I was five at the time, but later when we were discussing funeral arrangements for whenever grandma finally leaves us, she told me that story. "I don't know how you can go on living with that fatal an attitude, to believe someone who is gone is gone forever. There's no way to grieve, you just get bitter and depressed once you're done crying."

[Lil Red]

pham - i ask for your prayers for me & mine during the Christmas season....we are all gravely missing my mom so so so much. this will be my dad's first Christmas without mom in 54 years...i cannot imagine what he is going through. please pray for his comforting, for his healing...

[cmaD2006]

Will do ... praying for your family.

[MissyP89]

We'll be praying too, Red.

[Luigi]

Here's a suggestion - and it's[i] just [/i]a suggestion! You'll have to talk it over with the other folks in the family to see if it will help more or hurt more. ...

Don't negate; incorporate. In other words, include your mom as much as possible in the holiday.

If you put up Christmas stockings, hang hers, too. I don't know what you'd put in it - prayers written on slips of paper? little toys, and let the grandkids pick one "gift from Grandma"? or mementos of her (her inexpensive jewelry, pictures, little things she made), and the grandkids could pick for themselves? or put those mementos directly into their stockings? I'm not sure, but you see what I mean.

Set her place at the dinner table for Christmas dinner or whatever your big meal is.

Drink a toast to her.

Everybody sing her favorite hymn - in four-part harmony.

Whatever you can think of.

It would be easy to [i]over[/i]do this, and you don't want to go so far as to be maudlin, but you want to make the point that ...

She's not here, but she's still with us.


Prayers that everyone will have a happy holiday.

[MissScripture]

The year my Grandpa died, my parents got a special Christmas tree ornament for my Grandma and for us (and possibly all of my dad's siblings, I don't remember) about Grandpa spending Christmas with Jesus this year. They also got each of us (my siblings and I) an ornament shaped like a cribbage board, because Grandpa and that side of the family plays cribbage all the time. And we listened to Grandpa's favorite Christmas songs a lot that year (and still do -- the CD kind of became a family favorite).
Prayers for you and your family over Christmas.

[Lil Red]

sorry to bump this again, but please pray for my family....people are lashing out in unexpected ways, and it is very hurtful.

[ireallylovejesus]

Prayers for you Red. And may the Lord help you heal the pain.

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='Lil Red' timestamp='1324534047' post='2355807']
sorry to bump this again, but please pray for my family....people are lashing out in unexpected ways, and it is very hurtful.
[/quote]
All my grandparents, aunts uncles and parents, brothers and sisters are gone except one. I also miscarried a twin and have lost several friends to suicide, so I have some experience in this area. In one December, I lost a young cousin to an accident, a dear friend to suicide and a beloved sister-in-law to a brain tumor.
Grief is like the wind: it can be soft and gentle and sneak up unawares, or be a tornado that flattens you in a heart beat. Part of the pain is that you never know what will set it off and when. A sudden memory, a scent, a song, a holiday all serve as triggers.Even the person could have been sick for months or years, you are NEVER ready when the moment comes. Tragic accidents blindside you into the pit of hell for a time.
Time changes the grief, it lessens the immediacy of the pain, but it doesn't ever go away because you are a different person as a result of losing a part of yourself. Grief can be like losing an arm, and learning to work without it. I don't miss people in terrible grief anymore, I do miss the opportunity to share my life and my children's lives with them. My family would be so proud of my kids and even though my mum died in 1984 I still want to pick up the phone to pass on the latest story, The need to share doesn't seem to go away, but praying for their souls and remembering their lives and honoring them with your actions makes a tremendous difference to you and your family's happiness.
We don't have much practice in grieving in this country anymore, as dying and death are verboten topics, and people commonly don't lose a child or two to disease as compared to 100 years ago - we lack role models and ritual. 100 years ago people went into formal mourning for a year, wore black and were ALLOWED to grieve as they saw fit. Today if you are not back to your normal self (whatever that is) in a week or a month you are considered abnormal. Grief however is not chronological or in real time - but emotional time which is entirely different. It can also be complicated by guilt, shame or endless what - ifs- especially for people who had a conflicted relationship to begin with. People who feel some guilt can't lash out at the dead person so they take it out on everyone else, especially if their chosen target closely resembles the deceased in some way. I STILL get "you were grandma's favorite" and she has been dead 40 years.

Forgive those who trespass against you, they know deep inside you are hurting as well, but maybe just don't have any other tools to deal with their own agony.
Prayers for you over the holiday. Jesus and most especially Holy Mary IS with you in your grief.

[Lil Red]

i you cmom. thank you.

i'm glad i was able to recognize that my sister was lashing out at me last night, so instead of being aggressive and snarky right back, I called her today (left her a message) and told her I loved her.

[Totus Tuus]

Time does heal. For me, immediately following a close death, I can't even think about the person without my eyes welling up with tears and/or all out crying. As the memory grows more distant, it takes more reminiscing and thinking about my memories with that person, or a more emotional trigger than just the thought of them, to make me cry. So in that sense I think the saying that time heals all the words is true.

[quote name='Lil Red' timestamp='1324617944' post='2356258']
i you cmom. thank you.

i'm glad i was able to recognize that my sister was lashing out at me last night, so instead of being aggressive and snarky right back, I called her today (left her a message) and told her I loved her.
[/quote]
That takes a lot of maturity.