Time Heals... Is That True?

[Lil Red]

This is open for all members...not just the Catholic members of the phorum. Please, answer honestly. For those who have had someone close to them die...parent, sibling, grandparents, etc....is there ever a time where you don't cry at the thought of them? Is there ever a time where simply thinking of them isn't like a red-hot poker right to your heart? Is it true that time will heal the wound of a profound death? Or is it more that you learn to ignore the pain of their death, to shove it away in some corner of your mind that you rarely visit?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Czb5P_pw8Fc

[cmaD2006]

I lost my father in 2001, and I lost my mother in 2007.

The first year, especially with my mom's death, was really hard. Its gotten a bit more relieved over the years, but I still missed them both. Just yesterday (thursday and tuesday actually) I was talking to my sister and there are still things that get me crying.

But what is neat are the moments I just remember really wonderful things. And alas there are moments that I remember the not-so-wonderful, either things that happened between us that either I was at fault (and STILL feel guilty over) or things that were their fault (that I simply at this point need to forgive).

My hardest moments is when I wished to be able to share a major joyful moment with either of my parents. Right now there is something major going on in my life that I am so happy about, and I keep thinking "gosh I wished I could call mom." But I can't -- except I know that via the communion of the saints (which I do pray that both of my parents are part of) we can be together.

Mom and Dad will be there in key moments because of the communion of saints. Or at least, I trust that's the case.

Hugs Lil' Red. And prayers.

[missionseeker]

Red,


I've never been through the pain that you are feeling. But I have been through a lot of pain. I think that pain, in all its forms, is somewhat alleviated, not necessarily by time, but by our accepting that at times, it will still REALLLLY REALLLY hurt. And at times, we still break down and sometimes we cannot deal with the pain. And sometimes, that's ok. I don't think we feel the pain any less, but I think that we change the way we approach it and how we handle it. (I think that much like a physical wound, spiritual pain leaves us so raw and tender that we can only react in pain. But as time goes on, the body heals how it functions, but the scars are still there. But when we touch the scar, it's not as painful as it once was.) I don't think that is a bad thing or that it means that we don't suffer as much after time. Just that with time we have found ways that help us through the bad and to the Good. Even when we don't understand how good can exist.

Many prayers for you, Red.

[Marie-Therese]

In the immediacy of loss, one of the things we ask ourselves is, how am I going to handle this? It's that nagging, gnawing thing in the back of our minds that keeps us fearful and makes the pain into some festering sore that always feels just shy of a bursting crescendo, but then never does. What am I going to do without them here? What does my life mean now? Who am I in their absence?

The problem is that atop the pain of loss we have to deal with the pain of all those essential and existential questions popping up to dig at us. "Who am I?" is not an easy question for anyone under optimal circumstances, but compounded by a deep and abiding sense of loss and emptiness, it becomes nearly unbearable.

Time is to that pain a buffer, much like distance. A piece of art might move you deeply on close inspection, but removed from it 50 yards, the little nuances and brushstrokes that caught your attention are no longer visible to you. You know internally that it affected you, you still FEEL the effect of the emotion, but there is a distance that prevents you from immediate awareness of the sharpness of it. It's vague, harder to see. The memory is there, but the experience of it is removed from you.

That is much what time and death feel like. How much time depends on each person, just as one's eyes might be much keener for long distances than another's and might experience that piece of art for a longer time before it became fuzzy to view. There is an intrinsic intertwining of relationship between life and happiness and beauty and pain and death that makes them impossible to separate from each other...our understanding and experience of the one is necessary for our appreciation of the other. As much as it su[acronym=''][/acronym]cks sometimes, it's the way of humanity that our sufferings and our joys are so inextricably linked.

Over time that pain will fade, but it will never be totally gone. There will be times when you feel a twinge of sorrow, but there will be equal times where you will have happiness in those memories. And somehow, the further you get from that piece of art, that nagging "who am I" will find itself answered because, never content to be a spectator only, you'll make your own art, and it will be just as beautiful as it is inspired.

Love you hon.

[homeschoolmom]

Aw Red...

[BG45]

I've never gone through what you're going through, but you've got my prayers.

My grandmother is being moved to a nursing home in a few hours...she was told she'd be dead by July 1st when she was first placed under hospice care and started living at my aunt's so my uncle and my mom could take care of her for that brief time.

But I know with my granddad he survived a stroke; we were called in to say goodbye twice the night of it, and he ended up paralyzed and unable to even speak for three more years after it. Every day we visited the nursing home...and then one night when we decided the blizzard was too bad, we decided not to risk our own lives on the roads, and he died. I still feel the guilt a decade later for doing my best to convince my parents we shouldn't go. And while that's in no way equivalent to your loss, it's the most I can offer. I don't feel nearly as guilty as I did ten years ago, but I still carry a kernel that hasn't healed from it. I've just had to accept it as a part of myself and trudge forward into life with the knowledge he'd be proud of me and what I've become.

Again, you have my prayers Red.

[beatitude]

Red,

I've suffered two deaths of those close to me: my grandma, and one of my best friends from childhood. Not long after Grandma died I read something about grief being an open window that gradually inches shut. The pain grows less and less, and one day you suddenly notice that the window isn't open any more, and hasn't been for a while.

At the time I disagreed vehemently with this idea, because I simply didn't want it to be true. It felt too much like forgetting Grandma. In a way, it felt that so long as the pain was raw and visceral, I was still connected to her. If the grief went, so would she. We were very close, and it seemed like a betrayal to even think of having a normal life without her.

Now I understand that grief is just a stage in love. It's necessary, and it will be with you for as long as you need it. It will stay until you have found another way of loving the person who has died. That learning process really does hurt. It is very hard for me to explain what I mean, but I think in years to come you will look back and you will know.

I am still mourning for my friend. I have only recently accepted that she really is gone, so the pain is still very raw. At the moment I try not to remember her and the time we had together because it hurts too much to think about those things. I don't mind remembering her illness so much - it's when I think about the good times before it that the pain cuts in. You're right - it is just like a red-hot poker, or a stinging whiplash. But I know from what happened to me as I grieved for Grandma that eventually I will learn to express my love for my friend without feeling this intense level of hurt. With Grandma, my love for her just became a part of my love for all people living: some years after her death I asked God to give me her qualities so that I could approach the world as she had. She was a very generous person, and the prayer seemed fitting. This was when the window finally clicked shut.

I don't know how it will work out for me and my friend. I am just quietly confident that the grief will ease and will be replaced by a deeper, purer love for her. How long will it take? I don't know. It's like giving birth, in a way - it's different for each person. Always remember that this is not just loss you are dealing with, although the sense of absence is haunting and terrible. Something new is coming. That hurts too, in its way - again like giving birth - but the pain really doesn't last forever.

and prayers

[AccountDeleted]

Red - I have suffered more losses than I care to go over in this thread, and yes, it hurts, sometimes unbearably - that's part of being human. And yes, time does heal to a certain extent - at least it removes the immediacy of the loss from one's memory which seems to lessen the pain. There will probably always be those occasions however, when something brings it to the surface again and it feels as if it was happening all over again. Each time it does, there is only one recourse - Jesus.

During the in between times - which get longer and longer it seems... you will have good memories of those you have lost and feel a great sense of joy at having known them in your life. I probably feel this most for my mother - joy in her very being, and yet sorrow at not having her with me now.

I believe that sorrow serves a purpose as well, it helps one to become more compassionate and understanding of others who have loss in their lives. And it does show us just how impermanent this life is, and how much we need God's promise of eternal life.

Be kind to yourself when you grieve - Jesus told us that blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.

prayers for you

[LaPetiteSoeur]

I was once told that it hurts so much because we love so much. This sort of pain is proof of our love. Prayers for you, Red.

[Mr.Cat]

In time it becomes less relevant, you move on and your focus goes to other things. You learn to accept and cope with it in your own way and time. Over time it becomes less of a loss and more of a memory. You will remember less their death and remember more their life, that is what is relevant, how they affected you, hopefully for the better.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

[quote name='Mr.Cat' timestamp='1317393419' post='2312811']
In time it becomes less relevant, you move on and your focus goes to other things. You learn to accept and cope with it in your own way and time. Over time it becomes less of a loss and more of a memory. You will remember less their death and remember more their life, that is what is relevant, how they affected you, hopefully for the better.
[/quote]

Over time, it gets better, but I'm not sure it ever goes away completely.

[quote name='Mr.Cat' timestamp='1317393419' post='2312811']
In time it becomes less relevant, you move on and your focus goes to other things. You learn to accept and cope with it in your own way and time. Over time it becomes less of a loss and more of a memory. You will remember less their death and remember more their life, that is what is relevant, how they affected you, hopefully for the better.
[/quote]

Over time, it gets better, but I'm not sure it ever goes away completely.

[Luigi]

What others have said.

According to my mom (lost a daughter and a son), the hurt never goes away, but you learn to live with it. So no, don't shove it away in some dark corner of your heart - denial might ease the pain for the moment, but denial doesn't heal anything.

Having experienced losses yourself, you will be able to better help others who are experiencing the same thing. After my sister died, a friend of mine died - his mother was understandably distraught. Everyone said what they always say in those situations, the mother listened patiently, nodded, and thanked folks, but when my mom talked with her, she actually listened and responded - because my mom was the only one who really knew what she was experiencing.

As much as it hurts you now - and I know it must - you can eventually bring this experience to others in need.

Prayers.

[MissMaro]

My Dad died about seven years ago when I was 20. I never cry about him dying anymore, though I do still pray for him. I think I can safely say that it gets better with time because I was absolutely shattered when my Dad died, but now I'm just hopeful that he is in heaven and that I'll see him again.

It's okay to be sad though. Losing a family member is always sad for the people they leave behind. And sadness, even sadness that lasts, is a normal response to that kind or any kind of loss. I still think it's a shame that my Dad died when he was only 58, but I'm more at peace with it. It takes a while to get there though. I think you have to allow yourself to grieve and I don't think there's any way to grieve without feeling a certain amount of pain. Also, I found grief counseling enormously helpful at the time. It helped me to get through the worst of it. I don't know if that would be something you'd be interested in, but I put it out there just in case.

Please accept my sympathy for your loss. God bless.

Jean

[BigJon16]

I lost all of my grandparents when I was about eight-ish. I was really close to them, and it was a major obstacle and dark spot on my childhood.

But no, though I still miss them dearly, I do not get so sad when I think about them. I like to imagine how proud they must be, looking down on me and my family.

Last month, my great uncle passed away. That was hard. He had given me some great advice pertaining to all aspects of life, but some of the most memerable pieces were those about our faith. He always loved everyone in my family.

But the one thing that hurts me the most, even to this day, is that a couple days before his death, my mom had advised me to call him and talk to him, saying that he wasnt doing to well. I kinda blew it off, and two days later he died. Appariently my name was one of the last that he asked for before he passed. I will always regret not calling him, when my mom had told me to.

On the other hand, I am at peace knowing that one of the last times I saw him, we prayed a rosary together. I altar served and read the second reading at his funeral Mass. It was an extreme honor.

There are lyrics to beautiful song, titled "marvelous light". The lyrics go something like this "Sin has lost its power, [u]death has lost its sting.[/u]"

I am also further comforted by the affirmation that death is not the end. Christ teaches us that. "Dying you destroyed our death, rising you restored our life."



Much love!

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

Pax domine bretheren,

If time works for god than time most definately can heal.

God bless you all

Pax domine bretheren,

If time works for god than time most definately can heal.

God bless you all

Pax domine bretheren,

If time works for god than time most definately can heal.

God bless you all