Changing Spiritual Directors

[TeresaBenedicta]

...I knew this day was coming...

I've been with the same spiritual director for over four years now. He sort of adopted me into spiritual direction without me even knowing what it was. I was a baby Catholic, barely baptized a few months prior. And he's the only spiritual director I've ever had.

Last time we met he mentioned-- and I knew this was going to be happening either sooner or later-- that I should check with my superior (recall that I am now living with the religious community that I will be entering) and see if/when she thought it to be good to switch directors (our order has a brother order of priests that do direction & chaplaincy for all of the sisters and convents). Well, it looks like the time to switch is now.

This is a good thing! I'm just nervous. I've only ever had one spiritual director... so I only know how he "does" spiritual direction. So, I have a few questions for y'all who have switched spiritual directors before...

Did you find that there were different 'styles' of direction? If so, difficult to get used to?
What's it like starting all over? Where do you even start?
What sort of things do you talk about from the past?
What was the transition like in general?

...I know that these priests are good priests, solid priests... so I'm not worried about content. I'm not worried about anything per so... just nervous about the transition, about not "doing" spiritual direction correctly, about what is helpful for the priest to know about my spiritual journey... My current/soon-to-be-former spiritual director has been absolutely wonderful and it's a little sad to be moving on.

Also: Ideas for a gift for my current/soon-to-be-former spiritual director? He's been seeing me for free for 4+ years, so I'd like to offer him something (although I have to be careful- I'm living in the spirit of poverty and I know he'd be mad if I spent too much money). He's a priest (a monsignor), middle aged, brilliant man.

[cmaD2006]

Hi TB:

I've had the experience of switching spiritual directors more than once (I'm in the process of switching directors AGAIN). Knowing your community I'm assuming that the director will be a priest, but what I say below applies to any director.

The things I can suggest are:
a) if you don't click with the new director do not be afraid to change. This is such an important relationship that both of you need to be comfortable. He can be a "great" director per other people's opinion, but if you can't talk to him or trust him then it doesn't matter. You'd need to change directors. I know that with one community I was with, I did voice that the director initially offered to me did not work and then no alternative was offered for months (until I finally had a conversation with the mother general ... and she immediately saw the need and worked the situation). Not that this will happen in your case but just be forewarned that it could happen.

b) If the spiritual direction is to come from one of the priests from the community, just confirm that all conversations will stay confidential between the two of you. There's always that risk that it won't, especially since spiritual direction is not under the seal of confession. In another community I was with, I did do spiritual direction with one of the priests. It was great -- he understood the charism, and he was able to really help me grow. I also think it was kept in confidence ... and when things blew up and I was able to talk to him he was on my side (the way things happened were not 100% correct).

c) I wouldn't worry about where to start. Just make sure to pray. You'll find that God will lead the both of you to what needs to be dealt with now. Besides -- I would focus on the current need. Over time you'll discuss the past (or even sooner if the director thinks it is very important). I'd start praying for your new director now. Another example of what happened with me ... my spiritual director in the second community was already praying for me before he was asked to be my director, and he already had a spiritual sense of what was going on. It was uncanning.

d) The transition was, hmm, I don't know how to describe it. When I first had to find a new spiritual director (due to distance) I spent years looking for one. I was starting a new s.d. relationship when I entered the 1st community. (so ... onto s.d. #3). #3 wasn't right, then onto #4. Met him twice, then I came home. A year later or so, I went on to #5. Transitioned (quickly and smoothly) to #6 in the 2nd community. When I returned, thought about getting a new s.d.#7 (with one of the priests from your community lol, I met once with him), but decided against it after a few months. Back to #5. Then the fall out. Tried #8 once ... and realized he wasn't the right match (but is a wonderful priest nonetheless); and am on #9. #9 has been my confessor for over a year ... and I think he'll work really well. I was trying to avoid it just in case I get more involved in his parish.

Transition wise ... when the director is it (i.e. the right one) things just click/gel. There's a connection that's deeper than words. He just seems to hit the nail on the head with respect to your soul. So once you find that, you know that you've found your spiritual director.

FINALLY ... as far as a gift. There's so many things. One thing that I did buy both of my long term directors was a stole (I couldn't afford the chasuble ... although that would be a wonderful gift, especially a Marian one if he is really Marian). A clerical shirt would be nice too. I did buy my first spiritual director a mug that had a significance. I gave the spiritual director from the 2nd community experience my beloved rosary from Medugorje. He didn't want to take it but I insisted -- it was the only thing I could give him that he knew was valuable to me, and that was a symbol of how valuable his s.d. was to me.

I understand the sadness of moving on ... I was sad when I moved on from my first spiritual director (we became friends afterwards). I still long for the spiritual director from the 2nd community (boy did he make me grow!). The last transition was abrupt and still hurts (long story ...). But I can say for sure that when it is time to move on from one director to another, it is because the Lord has something better planned. You need to move on to the next director for the growth of your soul.

Blessings and prayers!

[cmaD2006]

(sorry for the length! Oops!)

[TeresaBenedicta]

No, THANK YOU! That is super helpful!

[TeresaBenedicta]

Point B is interesting to me... I've always been under the impression that spiritual direction is, in many ways, an extension of the seal? My current director, if there was ever anything he needed to bring outside of s/d, would ask my permission. "TB, is it okay if I ask so-and-so about such-and-such." I guess there's no harm in just double checking the confidentiality. I'd hope that the priests don't speak with the superiors and share things! (As our other thread points out poignantly, they are separate for a reason!)

[cmaD2006]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' timestamp='1316112546' post='2305129']
Point B is interesting to me... I've always been under the impression that spiritual direction is, in many ways, an extension of the seal? My current director, if there was ever anything he needed to bring outside of s/d, would ask my permission. "TB, is it okay if I ask so-and-so about such-and-such." I guess there's no harm in just double checking the confidentiality. I'd hope that the priests don't speak with the superiors and share things! (As our other thread points out poignantly, they are separate for a reason!)
[/quote]

I think 99% of spiritual directors won't. But again it gets a bit tricky when its within the same religious family. Double checking shouldn't hurt, and in fact in a way you may feel more comfortable if he confirms that things do stay confidential unless you give permission otherwise

[krissylou]

[quote name='cmariadiaz' timestamp='1316119396' post='2305179']

I think 99% of spiritual directors won't. But again it gets a bit tricky when its within the same religious family. Double checking shouldn't hurt, and in fact in a way you may feel more comfortable if he confirms that things do stay confidential unless you give permission otherwise
[/quote]

My impression is that the general rule of thumb is that spiritual direction is much like seeing a counselor or something along those lines as far as confidentiality goes. Basically "confidential unless there's a super duper important reason not to." (E.g. we know about Mother Teresa's decades-long "dark night" because of her communications with her spiritual director which came up as part of canonization proceedings. But no way no how would the Vatican have been prying into sacramental confession!)

That's pretty dang confidential but not like the "no way no how not under any circumstances don't even think about it" seal of the confessional.

And so it's important to clarify ahead of time what might constitute a "super duper important reason."

(This is, of course, a highly technical legal term, in both civil and canon law!)

TB when you're up for canonization, then expect your SD to be grilled!

[cmaD2006]

KL ... you are right, BUT I have heard of that confidence being broken within communities that have brothers/priests and sisters. There's that risk, especially since breaking the confidence in spiritual director isn't the same as breaking the confidence in confession (I'm not using the right term but I think you understand me). I don't know if that happens in her community, but its something to be careful about unless you know that it doesn't.

Hence the suggestion. Under normal circumstances -- I don't even ask (i.e. I never asked my new spiritual director about that).


(on a lighter note). Cool... we'll be witnesses for TB's cannonization

Edited September 16, 2011 by cmariadiaz

[TeresaBenedicta]

Well, I've chosen my new director... not sure when I'll first meet with him. But I had class with him and went to confession with him and felt quite comfortable, so I'm hoping it's going to be a good match.

[AccountDeleted]

My spiritual director is also my parish priest - there isn't a lot of choice when you live in bush country in Australia

But I love my priest and I trust him - and he also makes me laugh (at myself as well). I've been very blessed by God to know such a kind and charitable man. He has to cover four parishes and travel hundreds of kilometres, and he is so good with children too. We have a Catholic school in one of the towns and when he does a Mass with a lot of kids in attendance, he always uses the homily to teach them as well as talk to the adults. Everyone loves him. In fact, one of the elderly residents at the hostel where I work is an Anglican, but our priest stops by to chat with her when he is giving Communion to the Catholics there, and she told me that one day he kissed her on the cheek, and she didn't want to wash it because she felt it was now 'holy'!

I can only say that is a real grace when one is sent a holy SD. I have also known times of 'drought' when I couldn't find a good director for ages!! But really, they are a pearl beyond price when one is found!

[Feankie]

As a spiritual director, I can tell you that most of us keep confidentiality very sacrosanct. Nothing leaves the room without the permission of the directee ---and sometimes I use my own discretion about how much to divulge. It's not always so much of a problem of what to divulge, but the way in which it's communicated. Most SD's I know are very kind, loving, and would never put a negative slant on anything. I don't you if you know, but in training, SD"s are required to have their own SD, and they bring their ver batims with their directees for the seasoned SD to critique. We ask permission from the directee to tape the sessions , transcribe them, and bring them along with the actual tape to discuss. When I see a potential directee, we meet for 2-3 session to see if we "click" and take it from there. I use many techniques to help draw out my directees, but there's been many a time that we've just sat for 45 minutes just thinking and praying. I don't ask for any remuneration, I simply have a basket by the door for donations to the local crisis pregnancy center if a directee wishes to do so. Don't be afraid to "try out" a few different SD's if you can. It's not a one size fits all situation by any means. Hope that helps.

[TeresaBenedicta]

Well, I have my first meeting with Father on Thursday afternoon! Say a prayer for me!

[HopefulBride]

Prayers

[Feankie]

Prayers on the way. Don't be nervous....just be yourself! If you are nervous, bring it up with your SD. They'll help you get to the real root of what's causing it. Sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do what YOU thought the cause was. That's the beauty of spiritual direction. Getting back to basics (tilling up the soil of your heart and soul, getting to the roots, fertilizing and strengthening those roots so you can grow and flower, and pruning where need be so you can really bloom in the way and time God intends.

[faithcecelia]

Praying for you TB.