Emails To Give *insert Name Of Loved One Here* A Heart Attack

[BG45]

Dear dad,

Remember that talk we had where you said you'd at least still talk to me if I dated outside my race? So are we still on speaking terms? Kthxbai.

[brianthephysicist]

Dear landlord,

I bought a flamethrower today and the salesman told me it's completely safe. Even indoors! I'm on my way home to try it out right now! k bye!

[BG45]

Dear Department Chair. Remember how you said we can't randomly murder half our volunteers? I kinda went ahead and did it without IRB approval. Sorry!

[BG45]

Dear S. Hope the Franciscan monastery is treating you okay bro. I unfortunately decided that we needed to disband Christ at Culp's because it encouraged alcohol consumption. Really sorry man, but hey, you won't mind right? It's only the thing you loved most behind your vocation to the priesthood.

[MissyP89]

Hey, Mom-

Brian says I get to play with the green laser today. I should be back in time for dinner...

[brianthephysicist]

Dear World,

I started the zombie invasion. k bye!

[BG45]

Dear Aaron, you missed the zombie apocalypse. It started in Jersey, I would've won our bet.

[MissyP89]

Dear Phil,

I think you missed the memo on the zombie invasion. It started in Long Island, not Jersey. Sorry, man.

[BG45]

Dear Missy,

The rest of the world knows that Jersey, including South Jersey, is a suburb of Long Island, sorry woman.

[BG45]

Dear Dr. L, you may recall you said I can sacrifice one undergrad a year before the university catches on. I accidentally pushed two into the bottomless "This! Is! Sparta!" pit the school installed. It was rather embarrassing, I didn't even properly kick them, I just kind of tripped and it happened. I'm really sorry and promise it won't happen again, as long as you don't toss me in also.

[brianthephysicist]

Dear Wife,

I discovered myself today. I sold our house and am moving to the mountains to raise goats. k bye!

[MissyP89]

Dear boss,

I decided that our servers were a bit cluttered, so I deleted everything in "City-Working" and "Living-Working," plus all the "ready" queues. Hope this helps! kbye.

[BG45]

[quote name='brianthephysicist' timestamp='1315205108' post='2300419']
Dear Wife,

I discovered myself today. I sold our house and am moving to the mountains to raise goats. k bye!
[/quote]
Dude...you so reminded me of my recently married ex-officemate there. Her family really does raise goats in the mountains!

[brianthephysicist]

Mr. President,

As a high ranking general, I saw fit to unconditionally surrender to our sworn enemies because they wouldn't stop making fun of our troops. I believe this will increase morale. k bye!

[BG45]

Dear Dr. Mk, I let your book go out with dozens of typos that I was too lazy to mark notations of. It's not my fault your editor is awful at his or her job. (Note: I actually didn't of course, I did however inform him of half a dozen typos his editor missed in his textbook.)