Have You Ever Felt Confused?

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='faithcecelia' timestamp='1314917313' post='2298843']

But doubts and confusion are very different. Before entering Q I was confused [i]and[/i] I had some doubts. Since I was sent away I have had absolutely no doubts whatsoever, but I've been very, very confused!
[/quote]

Maybe I got it right then.

I really think I was experiencing confusion about my vocation. While there have been some doubts in my mind as to whether or not I could do it, the thought of being a religious has stayed in my head even when I didn't want it. There have been a several times where I tried to forget but, for whatever reason, it somehow was brought up and usually happened at Church. I really think the Holy Spirit keeps trying to tell me something. It makes me wonder if I should at least try to live the life of a religious just to see if that truly is my vocation. The problem is finding an order that will accept me AND that I'm attracted to.

[bmb144]

Personally I feel that confusion is a good thing in discernment. Ok, I know that sounds strange but I think confusion is a thing that makes us ask questions to seek an understanding as to why the person is confused. For me, confusion closed the door to what I called order no.3 and it looks like order no. 4 is also closed to me as well. So it leave me with 2 orders and I will simply continue deepening my journey with them.

[i<3franciscans]

Being confused has helped me grow in patience and placing all my trust in God. And I like being confused, it reminds me of how small we are!!! and MM you got the title right. : )

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='i<3franciscans' timestamp='1315436107' post='2301811']
Being confused has helped me grow in patience and placing all my trust in God. And I like being confused, it reminds me of how small we are!!! and MM you got the title right. : )
[/quote]

Thanks!

I think confusion probably happens to everyone in their discernment. There are so many beautiful orders out there, it is difficult to decide where to visit and which ones you think God is calling you to. In a way, I am really thankful that the amount of religious orders that will accept me is narrowed down so I don't have to worry about sifting through website after website, going crazy with all the information.

[LaPetiteSoeur]

I think I live in a perpetual state of confusion. As one of my absolute favorite mystery books says, "Didn't you know confusion is the state of every true scholar?"

Not really, but in the beginning I was so lost. I knew I am called to teach. I knew I was called to a traditional order. And so as a sophomore in high school I somehow found the NDs. Only through God's grace did I find my way, although I'm still confused and lost sometimes.

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='LaPetiteSoeur' timestamp='1315439230' post='2301833']
I think I live in a perpetual state of confusion. As one of my absolute favorite mystery books says, "Didn't you know confusion is the state of every true scholar?"

Not really, but in the beginning I was so lost. I knew I am called to teach. I knew I was called to a traditional order. And so as a sophomore in high school I somehow found the NDs. Only through God's grace did I find my way, although I'm still confused and lost sometimes.
[/quote]

I think one of the worst things is trying to say that you know things (not talking about you, but me ). I was so "sure" where I was called that I was putting God in a box and not allowing His will to direct me. I kept putting limitations on Him and saying "Yes, I will enter religious life, but there must be..."

I must have said a dozen times that I was called to Carmel, that I was called to be cloistered, that I was called to this particular order or monastery, etc. The only thing was that these were not things that I heard from God. They were all what I wanted! Not one single thing that I listed was a revelation from God during prayer or interior sign. I changed the way I discern. I do not say I am called to an order unless they accept me. There has to be a confirmation from the order before I can say that. Even then, how can anyone be completely sure of their lifelong calling until they are making final vows?

God is so much bigger than the little box I was trying to cram Him in. I let Him out and put Him in the pilot seat. If this is to be an adventure of a lifetime, we must write it together!

[faithcecelia]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1315441243' post='2301852']

I think one of the worst things is trying to say that you know things (not talking about you, but me ). I was so "sure" where I was called that I was putting God in a box and not allowing His will to direct me. I kept putting limitations on Him and saying "Yes, I will enter religious life, but there must be..."

I must have said a dozen times that I was called to Carmel, that I was called to be cloistered, that I was called to this particular order or monastery, etc. The only thing was that these were not things that I heard from God. They were all what I wanted! Not one single thing that I listed was a revelation from God during prayer or interior sign. I changed the way I discern. I do not say I am called to an order unless they accept me. There has to be a confirmation from the order before I can say that. Even then, how can anyone be completely sure of their lifelong calling until they are making final vows?

God is so much bigger than the little box I was trying to cram Him in. I let Him out and put Him in the pilot seat. If this is to be an adventure of a lifetime, we must write it together!
[/quote]


I never seem to have any props to give, but this deserves one!

[BarbTherese]

[quote name='faithcecelia' timestamp='1315478137' post='2302074'] I never seem to have any props to give, but this deserves one![/quote]

Consider it done! Fait accompli! Excellent post by MM with great recommendation from FC!

My greatest confusion in my teens was trying to understand how to know what on earth God's Will was since we were told that God's Will and His Providence (I couldn't grasp either!) was continually with us in every moment. I dont recall when I actually grasped how to discern God's Will, but when I did I couldn't understand why something so simple and lacking in complexity had been such an endlessly confusing matter to me. Then came the icing on the cake years and years later "[i]Abandonment to Divine Providence[/i]" by Jean Pierre de Caussade.

I used to be so envious of religious since their Rule of LIfe spelt out God's Will for them at every moment and I thought the only way I would ever know what God's Will was for me in every moment was to enter religious life and come under a Rule. Our God of Surprises!

[BarbTherese]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1314912277' post='2298814'] Yeah, I probably didn't word the title properly. I probably should have said, "Have you ever felt doubtful?" not confused. I think it makes me feel better knowing there are other women on medication who are trying to discern. I don't feel as alone as I used to now that I know this. [/quote]

Once I started to work out a theology of spirituality for myself, rather than look at my Bipolar Illness as a limitation, I looked on it in a positive light as God indicating very positively for me where [u]He did not want me[/u] and that was a great help indeed in discerning where [u]He might want me[/u] - it cut down on my options - like being in an icecream parlour, but chocolate and strawberry are not available! And after all, vocation is an invitation and sometimes there can be a number of options available all of which are pleasing to God and in accord with His Will, while some general options are not available. This is a Mystery of The Will of God. And unlike an icecream parlour where it would be decidedly annoying that chocolate and strawberry and my favourties are not available, higher than any options at all and the most favoured of all is The Will of God.

If that makes sense .... I seem to be rather regularly referring to the bag-on-the-head emoticons in my posts

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='faithcecelia' timestamp='1315478137' post='2302074'] I never seem to have any props to give, but this deserves one![/quote]

You're sweet! Thanks!

[BarbTherese]

[quote name='BarbaraTherese' timestamp='1315482165' post='2302084']

Once I started to work out a theology of spirituality for myself, rather than look at my Bipolar Illness as a limitation, I looked on it in a positive light as God indicating very positively for me where [u]He did not want me[/u] and that was a great help indeed in discerning where [u]He might want me[/u] - it cut down on my options - like being in an icecream parlour, but chocolate and strawberry are not available! And after all, vocation is an invitation and sometimes there can be a number of options available all of which are pleasing to God and in accord with His Will, while some general options are not available. This is a Mystery of The Will of God. And unlike an icecream parlour where it would be decidedly annoying that chocolate and strawberry and my favourties are not available, higher than any options at all and the most favoured of all is The Will of God.

If that makes sense .... I seem to be rather regularly referring to the bag-on-the-head emoticons in my posts
[/quote]

I must add that the above is not meant as any sort of discouragement for those who feel they have a vocation to religious life and have mental health issues. My previous comments have been personal. In my case, after entering monastic life in my forties and leaving, I left knowing that I was not called to religious life. My own Bipolar mental health issues were not an issue during my time in monastic life; however, I was under stress in the life and I did wonder what would happen if I did have a Bipolar episode (always stress related) and what leadership's reaction would be: Would they be able to handle it? Would it be a disturbance to the community? I became acutely aware that our sacristan was very concerned about me and I suspected she insighted my inner stress, while my novice mistress had failed to see me though I had made two requests to do so. Finally, I advised her point blank I wanted to leave and then she spoke with me and none too encouragingly. The letter she wrote me after I left literally floored me. I could not understand why she did not speak with me following my two requests to do so and before deciding to leave. The condition under which I entered was that I not take medication and this was decidedly in sound common sense very risky. Would I be sent away no matter what stage in the life I had reached if Bipolar should assert itself? Was I called to religious life, or was it something that I wanted? I had two unmarried sons in their twenties (not settled in life) and wondered if I had done the right thing in entering, although they were in agreeement. I was generally frightfully homesick. Finally, I resolved these questions (creating inner confusion) and other stresses by deciding to leave. When I walked out of the cloister, I knew that I had made the right decision and this feeling grew stronger as the days and months passed.

I knew that if I left it would be a final step in all likelihood since my investigations prior to entering revealed that the Order I entered seemed to be the only one in Australia to my knowledge willing to consider a person with potential mental health issues. And I weighed this up also.

Hence my attraction to religious monastic life waned as a personal quest and I began to see another path, a different invitation and one that would enable me to continue my role as mother as a very active presence in my sons' lives. A way of life that could continue and not be spiritually affected even if I did have a major Bipolar episode and a way of life that enabled me to embrace the evangelical counsels if not in the ideal situation of monastic life and as a consecrated person. It simply involved returning to the way of life I had led up to my entrance into monastic life, while my time there did inform the way of life I took up after leaving.

If I consider that basically a vocation is illustrated by three points:

Attraction to the life
Ability to lead the life
Acceptance into the life

I no longer was attracted to living the life personally and I doubted my ability to live it in the long term due to Bipolar and especially if the stress I was under continued or even worsened and triggered a Bipolar episode. I had no way of knowing if this would actually occur, but common sense told me it was at least a distinct potential to consider. Thus, the first two indications of vocation were largely absent. I still love the way of life itself and all it offers and specifically its total focus on God and that all in the community, hence one's companions, generally have the same focus. However, in my case, I do not have the vocation.

I would never discourage anyone including those who may have mental health issues from pursuing a religious vocation and to continue to pursue it as long as they were attracted. My experiences go back now 20 years and attitudes then to mental health still had a long way to go to reach today's general insights for those who are accurately informed.

[beatitude]

I've never felt confused, not really. I just told myself I was confused when I knew I had an answer that I didn't like.

[AccountDeleted]

I think I've been confused a lot during my discernment - but that's part of the process for me - self-doubt. Sometimes I feel convinced of what I am doing, and then there are times when I wonder if I'm crazy to even think of religious life. That's why I appreciate having the counsel of a spiritual director. It isn't always easy to see oneself clearly since there are so many unconscious motivations in everything we do and not all of these are 'of God'.

One of the values for me of confusion, is that I learn to lean on God, and to trust Him more. I see my own weakness and rely on His strength and wisdom to guide me. Three things that help me a lot in this process are silence, prayer and patience (with myself and with circumstances). So I don't really mind being confused from time to time, as long as I don't decide to hang around in this confusion, but persevere one step at a time until things become clear again.

[brandelynmarie]

That was the easiest poll I've ever taken on here . Heavens, yes, I have felt confused so many times! But as nunsense has said, silence, prayer & patience have played a big part in accepting the confusing aspects of my discernment. I have learned to be more gentle with myself. I struggle with minor learning disabilities & have dealt with depression in the past. Once I [i]accepted[/i] the reality of these things in my life, I have found His gifts within them. And so I continually live Christ's Crucifixion (within my illnesses & in my faults & in my failings) & experience His Resurrection as He transforms all things into His Glory. He does this for all of us, no matter where we end up in our discernment.

I like how you said :

Attraction to the life
Ability to lead the life
Acceptance into the life

That is a most excellent way to view the steps to religious life. And yes, right now I am attracted to the life. Time will tell if I have the ability & if I get accepted.

[TIWW]

There is an excellent article titled:"[u]Intimacy and Healthy Affective Maturity, GUIDELINES FOR FORMATION [/u]", by Kevin McClone, which addresses issues of psychological and spiritual readiness for those considering religious life. As we grow and mature in our personal, relational and spiritual lives, experiencing change and confusion is part of the process. How we look at life, say at the age of 24, is quite different from how we see things at the age of 18. Especially, since we are expected to be taking personal responsibility for ourselves, and breaking away from our family dependence. Getting a job, taking classes, getting some kind of education and training for our personal growth and development, begins to teach us valuable lessons about ourselves, and how we relate to others in our world. An important part of human growth and development, is "experiencing" the various normal stages of development, at the various ages of life. This is why many communities require a period of a minimum of a few years after high school, before one considers the commitment and maturity involved in living religious life.