Dysfunctional Family

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='Maggie' timestamp='1311569416' post='2275378']
MM, I'm so sorry you're going through this. As lovingly as possible, can I suggest in this particular situation you examine your attitude towards the others involved and see if it could be improved a wee bit? You post about your aunts, cousins etc frequently in the prayer board and while I'm sure you mean well, some of the posts seem rather unkind or complaining rather than prayerful. Sort of like, "please pray for my wicked stepmother, she's a rotten horrible witch." Try not to meditate so much on lousy qualities, when I do that it makes me so upset and almost sick to my stomach with anger at the people I'm thinking about. I had a confessor once give me an exercise called Jesus Goggles, where you actively imagine yourself looking at the difficult people in your life as Jesus sees them. Literally placing yourself in His shoes and imagine what He is thinking and feeling about them. It's a good change in perspective.

I say this as someone with very difficult, critical mother, a clinically diagnosed bipolar alcoholic with borderline personality who has gotten the family thrown out of grocery stores, off planes and buses, asked to leave parties, you name the humiliating ordeal, she's put us through it. She drives me BATS but one thing that has helped is to understand that I am a very difficult person, too. Like you I have issues with anxiety and depression (anxiety moreso) and when it was not under control it really ruined a lot of relationships and friendships for me. It takes over your personality and turns you inward - I wouldn't say narcissistic but very self-involved. People with active mental illness can be exhausting and frustrating to deal with for this reason. We get stuck on the "me" dial because we're suffering so much. You've also sort of got stuck in the nest and that's very stressful for a parent as well. It doesn't excuse her behavior but I'm just saying to try to see your way to cutting your mom some slack. It''ll make you both happier people while you get good treatment and try to spread your wings some more.

eta: I DO know how to spell narcissistic.
[/quote]

I see your point, but it is very difficult. I'm constantly working to improve the way I act. With all that I have been through over the years, I know I am not the easiest person to deal with because I push people away. There is something in me that cannot trust people, especially family and friends. I am working with my counselor on that. I've had friends use me and betray my trust by gossiping behind my back about something I didn't do, so it's hard for me to get close to anyone. I end up punishing everyone who tries to get closer to me because of something that happened beyond their control.

As far as the prayer requests go, I thought it was better to post them here than beat myself up about what went on. It's not easy when you don't have a friend to confide in. My friends from my young adult group live far away so I feel kind of trapped sometimes. That definitely comes out in my posts here. If I have been complaining, I'm sorry. I know I have and I don't like that about myself. It's easier to complain, I guess, rather than try to find the good in people. I know what my mom is going through because she has confided in me in the past about her childhood and it was not an easy one at that. Her mother was the daughter of alcoholic parents and she never learned how to love and be warm. She has improved a lot over the years but she still has much to work on. As for my mom, she doesn't communicate feelings very well other than through arguing. I try to remind myself that she is not angry at me even when she is yelling at me. She is simply angry at the situation and doesn't know how to deal.

I love my mother and while I know she can be difficult to deal with sometimes, we all have faults and crosses to bear. One thing I think I need help with is to unite myself with Jesus on the cross and run to Him instead of posting on this board for a bunch of strangers to read. It does help to have people praying for us though.

Thank you for your advice and prayers, Maggie. You are in my prayers, as well.

[SoylentGreene]

It seems like there are more issues possibly than just your mother's behavior. You have to come to a decision within yourself about what's important to you. If your emotional and psychological well being is a priority then you have to act in accordance with that.

[Azriel]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1311560242' post='2275249']

As mentioned above in a previous post of mine, I have a therapist, fortunately. I see her again on August 2nd. I may call her tomorrow and I am definitely going to Confession on Wednesday to talk to my pastor about what happened today. I've had major depression and anxiety disorder since I was 16. I'm undergoing medication therapy and counseling sessions to help me deal with it.

[/quote]

I'm happy to hear this. I have been treated for depression and anxiety since about 24, but had it much longer than that. In that arena, I totally can relate with what you may be feeling. I, too, at times, had a difficult relationship with my Mother who suffered from chronic pain and depression. If you ever want to talk about those things, feel free to PM me. I, too, am on medication therapy and counseling. Like Maggie said, sometimes these issues can turn you inward, especially if you are introverted. This doesn't make you selfish. But it can help the depression and anxiety to realize this propensity and to actively try to "get out of your own head". Sometimes just doing something actively for someone else - even praying for other people can make a huge difference.

As you move forward in your counseling, you will learn more tools to deal with your depression and anxiety, and these in turn will help you deal with the toxic people in your life.

Also, remember that when you are depressed and anxious your thoughts are not rational. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. For me, God always feels far away when I'm anxious and I struggle a lot with that. Don't let anyone tell you just need to pray more or need more faith. Your issues do not stem from a lack of faith. Depression and anxiety are illnesses. Period.

Sorry, I'll hope off my soapbox now. I'll be praying for you.

EDIT TO ADD: Do not feel bad about talking to us strangers about your issues. We aren't strangers anyway, we are your Phamily. EVERYONE needs someone to talk to.

Edited July 25, 2011 by Azriel

[Debra Little]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1311527030' post='2274984']
I have come to the realization that my family is dysfunctional. It's probably not as bad as most dysfunctional families, but I have had to live with these people all my life and I am truly sick and tired of having to go through a guilt trip everytime my mom is unhappy. I feel so attached to the abuse, apparently, because it's hard for me to leave. Even now, tears are streaming down my face because I have had the worst day. I went to Church and had to deal with my aunt being there. I really didn't want to see her at all. I want nothing to do with her and my mom agreed that my aunt was the one to blame for all that has happened last week. This week, it is an entirely different story. Just because my maternal grandparents are taking the side of my aunt (which I knew they would; they are closer to my aunt than my mom), they wouldn't sit with my mom and she is taking it out on me which is totally irrational. Sometimes I really wish she could hear herself when she says these things. She shuts off any rational thought and spouts out her anger and my dad and I end up being the victims of it. I have had enough. I have had to live with depression because I was not raised with the coping skills that most people have. My mom is toxic, my aunt is toxic, and so are my grandparents.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm not playing into my mom's blame game anymore. She would like nothing more than for me to believe that I am the most difficult, nasty, awful person on this earth. She is blaming me for losing her friends simply because I didn't want to see them anymore. I am not her keeper. I have never prevented her from going out. Simply because I call her to see if she wants to do something while she is out, she looks at it as a jealousy thing on my part. I only wanted to do something with her.

I know that I am not perfect and I accept that. My goal is to be a better person, always, but it is so difficult because I cannot trust anyone--not even my own family. How are you supposed to trust someone who agrees with you one minute and then is your worst enemy the next? How do I break away from this? I'm worried that if I move to my paternal grandmother's house, more stuff is going to happen beyond my control and I won't know how to deal.

Help me, please. I can't handle feeling like this. I want to just run away and find peace. I can't go to Confession without my mom using it against me saying that the only reason I need to go is because I know I am guilty and I'm an awful person. That is so not the reason why I brought her back to this beautiful Sacrament. I know now how Christ felt on the cross-betrayed and abandoned. I don't have anyone in my immediate family to run to. What should I do?
[/quote]



my mom did this for years and for years i let her control me. then i decided that for my own sanity i had to put
distance between us. there is already physical distance and they dont' come this way often. none of my family
does. but i also didn't send cards or call her for a long time. now i call her now and then to make sure she is okay
but if the conversation gets weird i tell her and then i hang up. i had a nice conversation the other day with her on
the phone and just before our conversation ended she got preachy on me. i said, "mom you know we are never
going to agree so why bother to bring it up." She made one comment and hung up. I am careful about any
contact with her because she has been in denial for years and refuses to change her mind about anything,
whether she is wrong or not. She lives in her own little narrow minded world and i let her. I was always
the one at fault and she never said or did any of the things she said or did. i said to a therapist one time,
"maybe i am dreaming this all up." The therapist said no.

It hurt me deeply for years that I could never get her approval for anything. She says she loves me but that
love is not unconditional. It's based on whether I go along with her or not. My whole family has hardly
anything to do with me and I never knew why.

Anymore it does't matter. My friends are my family. God is healing me from the pain and I go on with my
life as if they don't exist. My mom says she doesn't know why none of them talk to me and always makes
excuses for how busy they are. But family is family and even those who are busy take time for one
another. My dad never said anything to us kids when we growing up. I really don't know my dad. And
my biological mother is someone I don't want anything to do with. My biological father I never knew
and my adopted family didn't work out really great.

But they are my parents and I honor and respect them as such because God put me in their family
and they raised me to be a person who loves the Lord and serves Him. For that I am grateful and
tell them so. But anymore than that is not possible because my mom makes it impossible. I worked
at it for years to try to form a good relationship with her and I finally told myself the truth several years
ago. It's not going to happen. That boat is not going to float. Ever!

I am sorry you are having so much trouble and I will pray for you. I feel your pain because I have been
there. I can offer you more than sympathy or good wishes because I know from my own experience
what you are suffering.

Please for your own sanity and well being, break off all contact with your mom. After you have had some
time to heal you can talk to her now and then, preferably on the phone. By that time you will be strong
enough to disagree lovingly with her and not let her control you so much.

Guilt and Shame are built into a lot of us and it takes a lot of prayer and hard work to get it out and feel
good about ourselves.

I hope this helps.

Hugz,
Deb

[Teen_Catholic]

I'm so sorry and I will keep you in my prayers. i have heard to helps to write a letter to a person you are angry at and then not send it.

[Debra Little]

[quote name='Groo the Wanderer' timestamp='1311538374' post='2275057']
Best coping mechanism: realizing that EVERY family is dysfunctional. Look at the Church! Look at Phatmass! Tis life...its all temporary.


anyhoo - WE love you...run to us for huggses and prayers whenever you need them. [img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/blush.gif[/img]
[/quote]


oh that's all very comforting to someone who's really going through it. how can you be so blunt?
it's not that simple and when you say things like that you add to her pain.

[Debra Little]

[quote name='Azriel' timestamp='1311540591' post='2275075']
You would most definitely feel better by talking to someone. A counselor or your pastor. Remember too, there is a difference between depression and Depression. One means temporary sadness the other borders on despair for days on end. If its the second, it can be treated. If its the first, then talking it out or even journaling about it should help.

It sounds like you truly love your family. I don't know your whole history with them. When your Mom is being reasonable can you talk with her and your Dad? And I mean, talk, not fight?

As far as momentary coping with your feelings, this is what I do: Sit still. Practice deep breathing. Then pray. Meditate on your prayer. This will give you the temporary peace you need and calmness you need to make rational decisions.

Take care please. You will get through it.
[/quote]


that;s a good idea but a therapist could be helpful too. not all school counselors
and pastors have that much training in psychology.