Dysfunctional Family

[OnlySunshine]

I have come to the realization that my family is dysfunctional. It's probably not as bad as most dysfunctional families, but I have had to live with these people all my life and I am truly sick and tired of having to go through a guilt trip everytime my mom is unhappy. I feel so attached to the abuse, apparently, because it's hard for me to leave. Even now, tears are streaming down my face because I have had the worst day. I went to Church and had to deal with my aunt being there. I really didn't want to see her at all. I want nothing to do with her and my mom agreed that my aunt was the one to blame for all that has happened last week. This week, it is an entirely different story. Just because my maternal grandparents are taking the side of my aunt (which I knew they would; they are closer to my aunt than my mom), they wouldn't sit with my mom and she is taking it out on me which is totally irrational. Sometimes I really wish she could hear herself when she says these things. She shuts off any rational thought and spouts out her anger and my dad and I end up being the victims of it. I have had enough. I have had to live with depression because I was not raised with the coping skills that most people have. My mom is toxic, my aunt is toxic, and so are my grandparents.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm not playing into my mom's blame game anymore. She would like nothing more than for me to believe that I am the most difficult, nasty, awful person on this earth. She is blaming me for losing her friends simply because I didn't want to see them anymore. I am not her keeper. I have never prevented her from going out. Simply because I call her to see if she wants to do something while she is out, she looks at it as a jealousy thing on my part. I only wanted to do something with her.

I know that I am not perfect and I accept that. My goal is to be a better person, always, but it is so difficult because I cannot trust anyone--not even my own family. How are you supposed to trust someone who agrees with you one minute and then is your worst enemy the next? How do I break away from this? I'm worried that if I move to my paternal grandmother's house, more stuff is going to happen beyond my control and I won't know how to deal.

Help me, please. I can't handle feeling like this. I want to just run away and find peace. I can't go to Confession without my mom using it against me saying that the only reason I need to go is because I know I am guilty and I'm an awful person. That is so not the reason why I brought her back to this beautiful Sacrament. I know now how Christ felt on the cross-betrayed and abandoned. I don't have anyone in my immediate family to run to. What should I do?

[LaPetiteSoeur]

Oh, MM. I'm praying for you--asking Mary to hold you in her arms and comfort you. I'm so terribly sorry about your family situation. Is there any way you could get out of your house today and go somewhere quiet? Maybe a park or something where you could just sit and talk to God.

Continued prayers, and I sincerely hope that you find peace.

[add]

your are not alone

[SoylentGreene]

I can really understand what you're saying because my family is even worse. Have you thought about talking to your pastor or school counselor? It might help to talk to someone who can give you some honest unbiased feedback.

[CatherineM]

We can't pick our relatives, unfortunately. Ask yourself if your mom would be a friend of yours, if she wasn't actually your mom. My mother and I get along best at least 1000 miles apart. There has been times when I only communicated with her through letters. At least that way, she wouldn't be as abusive. She'd say things without thinking first, but in writing she was forced to think first. We have established a fair relationship now. She's 89 and seems to have mellowed with age.

[Groo the Wanderer]

Best coping mechanism: realizing that EVERY family is dysfunctional. Look at the Church! Look at Phatmass! Tis life...its all temporary.


anyhoo - WE love you...run to us for huggses and prayers whenever you need them.

Edited July 24, 2011 by Groo the Wanderer

[faithcecelia]

[quote name='Groo the Wanderer' timestamp='1311538374' post='2275057']
Best coping mechanism: realizing that EVERY family is dysfunctional. Look at the Church! Look at Phatmass! Tis life...its all temporary.


anyhoo - WE love you...run to us for huggses and prayers whenever you need them.
[/quote]






This is so, so true.




My mother and I always had an odd relationship, with me effectively becoming the 'mother' when I was only 8. I can honestly say the best thing for us was when I moved away - not just out of home, but away. Even then, there were huge arguments, the worst being a screaming match in the monastery parlour . I have gone through so much pain over this relationship, as I know my mother has, but we have now, thankfully, managed to build a new relationship and accept that we are both new people from who we were even 3yrs ago. Even so, I call her Mother and my dad Daddy which says something I think.



MM, I know you are having a really tough time, I also understand that relationship difficulties can become highlighted in the early stages of therapy. If you want to 'talk' privately, please send me a message. If not, i will continue to hold you in my prayers xxx

[Azriel]

You would most definitely feel better by talking to someone. A counselor or your pastor. Remember too, there is a difference between depression and Depression. One means temporary sadness the other borders on despair for days on end. If its the second, it can be treated. If its the first, then talking it out or even journaling about it should help.

It sounds like you truly love your family. I don't know your whole history with them. When your Mom is being reasonable can you talk with her and your Dad? And I mean, talk, not fight?

As far as momentary coping with your feelings, this is what I do: Sit still. Practice deep breathing. Then pray. Meditate on your prayer. This will give you the temporary peace you need and calmness you need to make rational decisions.

Take care please. You will get through it.

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='LaPetiteSoeur' timestamp='1311530115' post='2274998']
Oh, MM. I'm praying for you--asking Mary to hold you in her arms and comfort you. I'm so terribly sorry about your family situation. Is there any way you could get out of your house today and go somewhere quiet? Maybe a park or something where you could just sit and talk to God.

Continued prayers, and I sincerely hope that you find peace.
[/quote]

I basically locked myself in my room and slept the rest of the afternoon. My mom knocked on my door about 8pm and asked if I was going to eat dinner. I didn't answer her. I'm waiting for my parents to go to bed before leaving my room for anything other than using the bathroom. I can't handle anymore arguing today. If I stand up for myself to my mom, I'm a wicked person according to her. I have no friends, but neither does she and she wants to throw this in my face whenever we have an argument.


[quote name='SoylentGreene' timestamp='1311531223' post='2275011']
I can really understand what you're saying because my family is even worse. Have you thought about talking to your pastor or school counselor? It might help to talk to someone who can give you some honest unbiased feedback.
[/quote]

I have a LCSW therapist that I see again on August 2nd. I've met with her 2 times before and she is someone I feel I can trust. I'm thinking of calling her tomorrow to see if I can talk to her over the phone for a few minutes. I want to find out if there is an outreach program that I can utilize so I can find a way to get a job and move away from this mess.


[quote name='CatherineM' timestamp='1311536717' post='2275049']
We can't pick our relatives, unfortunately. Ask yourself if your mom would be a friend of yours, if she wasn't actually your mom. My mother and I get along best at least 1000 miles apart. There has been times when I only communicated with her through letters. At least that way, she wouldn't be as abusive. She'd say things without thinking first, but in writing she was forced to think first. We have established a fair relationship now. She's 89 and seems to have mellowed with age.
[/quote]

I've always considered my mom one of my friends. Thankfully, our arguments don't happen that often, but when they do, they last a few days and are pretty bad. My mom and I have opposing personalities that clash when we disagree on something. Almost everyone in her family believes that if you defend yourself, you are being disrespectful. It's unbelievable. My mom wanted me to shut up today so she could freely criticize me without having an argument come from me. I'm not a doormat anymore. I'm not willing to rollover and allow her to use me like this.

It's times like this where I wished I lived far away from her. I really wished I had my own apartment--some place I could runaway to and not worry about being forced to lock myself in my room.

Edited July 25, 2011 by MaterMisericordiae

[SoylentGreene]

I'll be praying fir you.

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='faithcecelia' timestamp='1311540178' post='2275073']
My mother and I always had an odd relationship, with me effectively becoming the 'mother' when I was only 8. I can honestly say the best thing for us was when I moved away - not just out of home, but away. Even then, there were huge arguments, the worst being a screaming match in the monastery parlour . I have gone through so much pain over this relationship, as I know my mother has, but we have now, thankfully, managed to build a new relationship and accept that we are both new people from who we were even 3yrs ago. Even so, I call her Mother and my dad Daddy which says something I think.



MM, I know you are having a really tough time, I also understand that relationship difficulties can become highlighted in the early stages of therapy. If you want to 'talk' privately, please send me a message. If not, i will continue to hold you in my prayers xxx
[/quote]

Yeah, we basically had a screaming match in the car. My mom told me to stop screaming but she was screaming, too! Sometimes I really hate the way she acts and today was one of those days. There is no reason to use me like this when she is upset with her parents over something THEY did. I honestly don't know what the heck tipped the balance today other than my grandparents and aunt being there (which I really prayed they wouldn't; my mom admitted herself last week that she, my dad, and I are much happier when they are not around). My aunt was filling in for someone as an EMHC and we were serving too. I didn't say or do anything that would make my mom yell at me like she did, but she did it anyway and wouldn't listen to reason.

I know that I need to work on my faults, which I am. I am sometimes a difficult person to deal with, especially when having to listen to someone criticize me. I've never been able to handle criticism well, especially when it's untrue. I think sometimes I have narcissistic tendencies, but I really don't like acting that way. Today, that darker side came out of me and I don't like it.


[quote name='Azriel' timestamp='1311540591' post='2275075']
You would most definitely feel better by talking to someone. A counselor or your pastor. Remember too, there is a difference between depression and Depression. One means temporary sadness the other borders on despair for days on end. If its the second, it can be treated. If its the first, then talking it out or even journaling about it should help.

It sounds like you truly love your family. I don't know your whole history with them. When your Mom is being reasonable can you talk with her and your Dad? And I mean, talk, not fight?

As far as momentary coping with your feelings, this is what I do: Sit still. Practice deep breathing. Then pray. Meditate on your prayer. This will give you the temporary peace you need and calmness you need to make rational decisions.

Take care please. You will get through it.
[/quote]

As mentioned above in a previous post of mine, I have a therapist, fortunately. I see her again on August 2nd. I may call her tomorrow and I am definitely going to Confession on Wednesday to talk to my pastor about what happened today. I've had major depression and anxiety disorder since I was 16. I'm undergoing medication therapy and counseling sessions to help me deal with it.

It's very difficult to have a rational discussion with my mom when she is like this. She will always defend what she says even though she is wrong. I'm not close with my dad anymore because we don't get along very well. He didn't even stick up for me today when it was obvious that my mom was being ridiculous. All he tried to do was jump out of the car to walk but then my mom told him she wasn't coming back to pick him up.

It would be best for me to just try to stay away from my mom for a few days as much as I can until this whole thing blows over. My birthday is Tuesday, so I don't know how that is going to work. I'm sure that there is going to be some underlying tension still but my mom will try to act as if nothing happened.



Thank you all for your prayers. I was really in a dark place today and God felt so far away from me. It is never an easy thing to go through when the people you trust the most betray and abandon you for no reason. I wish I could have acted more like Christ did when He was facing His accusers--remaining silent in prayer. I'm entrusting my problems to Him tonight so I can get some rest.

[MissScripture]

Prayers.
Have you ever lived on your own? I think that alone might help. I know that I definitely needed some space from my family for a while when I moved away to college. Like you said, it gives you somewhere to go. And you can see them much more on your terms.

I can kind of understand where you're coming from, too, because I have a relative who, if you disagree with her, will decide that this means you don't love her. And that's stressful on any relationship.

Hopefully you can get something figured out.

In the meantime, prayers! It's a tough situation.

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='MissScripture' timestamp='1311560908' post='2275260']
Prayers.
Have you ever lived on your own? I think that alone might help. I know that I definitely needed some space from my family for a while when I moved away to college. Like you said, it gives you somewhere to go. And you can see them much more on your terms.

I can kind of understand where you're coming from, too, because I have a relative who, if you disagree with her, will decide that this means you don't love her. And that's stressful on any relationship.

Hopefully you can get something figured out.

In the meantime, prayers! It's a tough situation.
[/quote]

I have actually never lived on my own. I don't think it's going to be easy for me to deal with, either, because I was homesick after 3 days of being away with the Carmelites of the Divine Heart of Jesus when I was discerning with them. I was supposed to live with them for 6 weeks and I couldn't handle that long of a separation. Of course that was in another state.

I really need to find a full-time job before I would be able to afford an apartment. I'm starting school again next month (I hope) to finish my Associates in Arts degree so I hope that will help my chances in job hunting.

Thanks for your prayers.

[BG45]

*hug* Prayers! I don't really have any advice, but like CatherineM said about she and her father, my dad and I do best 200 miles away from each other.

[Maggyie]

MM, I'm so sorry you're going through this. As lovingly as possible, can I suggest in this particular situation you examine your attitude towards the others involved and see if it could be improved a wee bit? You post about your aunts, cousins etc frequently in the prayer board and while I'm sure you mean well, some of the posts seem rather unkind or complaining rather than prayerful. Sort of like, "please pray for my wicked stepmother, she's a rotten horrible witch." Try not to meditate so much on lousy qualities, when I do that it makes me so upset and almost sick to my stomach with anger at the people I'm thinking about. I had a confessor once give me an exercise called Jesus Goggles, where you actively imagine yourself looking at the difficult people in your life as Jesus sees them. Literally placing yourself in His shoes and imagine what He is thinking and feeling about them. It's a good change in perspective.

I say this as someone with very difficult, critical mother, a clinically diagnosed bipolar alcoholic with borderline personality who has gotten the family thrown out of grocery stores, off planes and buses, asked to leave parties, you name the humiliating ordeal, she's put us through it. She drives me BATS but one thing that has helped is to understand that I am a very difficult person, too. Like you I have issues with anxiety and depression (anxiety moreso) and when it was not under control it really ruined a lot of relationships and friendships for me. It takes over your personality and turns you inward - I wouldn't say narcissistic but very self-involved. People with active mental illness can be exhausting and frustrating to deal with for this reason. We get stuck on the "me" dial because we're suffering so much. You've also sort of got stuck in the nest and that's very stressful for a parent as well. It doesn't excuse her behavior but I'm just saying to try to see your way to cutting your mom some slack. It''ll make you both happier people while you get good treatment and try to spread your wings some more.

eta: I DO know how to spell narcissistic.

Edited July 25, 2011 by Maggie