Existential Angst (I Have Some)

[arfink]

It's been tough lately. I graduated from a Catholic college seminary a little over a year ago. I spent 4 years there. In my last year I had to make the decision to leave there. The staff were supportive of my decision, though it was absolutely crushing to have them add that they felt I was not cut out for priesthood, even though I had come to the same conclusion. I felt like my hopes and dreams got crushed out of me at the last, even though I had known for a little over a year that I would probably have to make that decision.

For a while I was very disappointed and spent alot of time hating myself for wanting to leave. Eventually a few weeks after graduation, by God's grace, I began to look up and realize the freedom I had been given now I had left- freedom to seek His will on a new path. But after a year away from seminary, things are not looking much better, and I'm struggling with despair. (again)

I'm stuck at a low-paying job that has nothing to do with my schooling. I have alot of debt, and I'm afraid to go back to school to retrain because of the pressure of having even MORE debt. My prayer life is severely suffering, frequently mired down in my own sins of the past and present and feelings of distrust because of my crushed dreams. I seldom see my old friends from school, and when I do I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm the "failed seminarian," and can't seem to relate to them anymore. In many ways I feel like I'm merely existing, my life now deprived of the purpose and drive it once had. It sounds so corny, but it's some real thick existential angst: why do I even exist?

So yeah, say some prayers for me, please? Thanks.