OnlySunshine Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Ok, I need some help, please. I am not sure if this is posted in the right forum. I have a dilemma and I don't know what to do: I just got an email from one of my Catholic Young Adult group buddies and found out that he recently got engaged. I had no idea about this especially since I have not been to the meetings in quite a long time since they are so far away from my house on the other side of town. I knew that he was dating someone because I saw him in my old parish after Confession in the Adoration chapel with a young woman who I did not know. He also mentioned that he was still dating her at the Christmas party last year. He wants to send me a wedding invitation but doesn't have my address. I'm not sure I would want to go. Here's why--I have had a crush on him ever since I met him in 2007. I started discerning religious life soon after so I never pursued it, but I always thought that if I was called to discern marriage, I would love to go on a date with him. I have even told my mom about him several times. Lately, I've been feeling called to pursue a different path than religious life and I recently wondered if he was still dating her. I guess I just got my answer. I know I should be happy for him--and I am--but I am also rather sad inside. I know it is God's way of telling me that he is not the one for me, but it hurts since I never even had a chance to date him. Should I just swallow my pride and go to celebrate the happy occasion? I really want to support him, but I know it's going to be hard on me. Thanks in advance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AccountDeleted Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 No, don't go. This is the bride's day and it wouldn't be fair on her for you to be there and be struggling with feelings for her husband! It could make her feel uncomfortable. Send a wedding present. That's it. And pray for them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MithLuin Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Yeah, going to weddings of guys you are still pining for won't end well. Now...if you were 'over' him and the opportunity to attend his wedding came up, I'd say to go for it. But you're not, so you shouldn't. As nunsense said, give him the information to send you the invitation...and then decline and send a gift with a card wishing them well. Unless the wedding isn't until next year or something. Your feelings may change by then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnlySunshine Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 [quote name='nunsense' timestamp='1308712740' post='2257149'] No, don't go. This is the bride's day and it wouldn't be fair on her for you to be there and be struggling with feelings for her husband! It could make her feel uncomfortable. Send a wedding present. That's it. And pray for them. [/quote] [quote name='MithLuin' timestamp='1308713427' post='2257152'] Yeah, going to weddings of guys you are still pining for won't end well. Now...if you were 'over' him and the opportunity to attend his wedding came up, I'd say to go for it. But you're not, so you shouldn't. As nunsense said, give him the information to send you the invitation...and then decline and send a gift with a card wishing them well. Unless the wedding isn't until next year or something. Your feelings may change by then. [/quote] Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I wouldn't want to be sinning while sitting there in the pew by thinking about the guy. Obviously, God destined for them to be together--not me and him--and he is a very prayerful guy (hence, why I have feelings for him). I think I will just send a card. I would really feel uncomfortable being there. I definitely do not want to cause a Ross and Rachel sort of thing. Thank you for the advice. I feel better now. I thought I was being selfish by thinking of my feelings, but I really don't want anything bad to happen on their day. They are getting married on February 2012--the feast of Our Lady of Lourdes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaPetiteSoeur Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 [quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1308713922' post='2257156'] Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I wouldn't want to be sinning while sitting there in the pew by thinking about the guy. Obviously, God destined for them to be together--not me and him--and he is a very prayerful guy (hence, why I have feelings for him). I think I will just send a card. I would really feel uncomfortable being there. I definitely do not want to cause a Ross and Rachel sort of thing. Thank you for the advice. I feel better now. I thought I was being selfish by thinking of my feelings, but I really don't want anything bad to happen on their day. They are getting married on February 2012--the feast of Our Lady of Lourdes. [/quote] Cards are the best. Maybe you could enroll them for a mass somewhere or at a convent. It'd be great for everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MithLuin Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Well then you have until January 2012 to figure out what to do. I know you're disappointed right now, but who knows what will be going on in your life then? Unrequited love (or, well, attraction...) is not the best part of life, but it is a part of life. Like any other unpleasant trial we are faced with, we can offer it up and learn some wisdom through the disappointment. I have a guy I met 2 years ago who I think is amesome...and he's friendly to me, but that's all. I even asked my little brother for advice on the situation, which lets you know how silly I was being! Problem is, I was comparing other guys I met to him, saying, 'Why can't they be like that?' So I was 'stuck' on a guy who was never going to ask me out, and not really open to other guys in my life who might have had a genuine interest in me. Not a good situation.... And I didn't really get peace about the whole thing until after he told me that he has a girlfriend now. Just that knowledge (that he was unavailable) helped me to put my crush aside. Now, will I still grin like an idiot when I see him? No doubt. And will some tiny part of me still whisper, 'Well, what if they break up?' Sure. That's just human nature. But knowing that he's found an amesome girl makes me honestly wish him well....and allows me to be more open to the possibility of love in my own life. So now that you know he's engaged....let that knowledge sink in, and see if after a few months you don't feel differently about the situation. If you still have conflicting emotions when the wedding invite arrives in the mail - decline. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnlySunshine Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 [quote name='LaPetiteSoeur' timestamp='1308746351' post='2257223'] Cards are the best. Maybe you could enroll them for a mass somewhere or at a convent. It'd be great for everyone. [/quote] That's a great idea! Thank you for the suggestion! [quote name='MithLuin' timestamp='1308746407' post='2257224'] Well then you have until January 2012 to figure out what to do. I know you're disappointed right now, but who knows what will be going on in your life then? Unrequited love (or, well, attraction...) is not the best part of life, but it is a part of life. Like any other unpleasant trial we are faced with, we can offer it up and learn some wisdom through the disappointment. I have a guy I met 2 years ago who I think is amesome...and he's friendly to me, but that's all. I even asked my little brother for advice on the situation, which lets you know how silly I was being! Problem is, I was comparing other guys I met to him, saying, 'Why can't they be like that?' So I was 'stuck' on a guy who was never going to ask me out, and not really open to other guys in my life who might have had a genuine interest in me. Not a good situation.... And I didn't really get peace about the whole thing until after he told me that he has a girlfriend now. Just that knowledge (that he was unavailable) helped me to put my crush aside. Now, will I still grin like an idiot when I see him? No doubt. And will some tiny part of me still whisper, 'Well, what if they break up?' Sure. That's just human nature. But knowing that he's found an amesome girl makes me honestly wish him well....and allows me to be more open to the possibility of love in my own life. So now that you know he's engaged....let that knowledge sink in, and see if after a few months you don't feel differently about the situation. If you still have conflicting emotions when the wedding invite arrives in the mail - decline. [/quote] You have a point, most definitely. I did have to put my crush on him aside when I found out he was dating someone and he took her to the Adoration chapel. There seems to be a tradition of young men from our young adult group taking their girlfriends to the Adoration chapel, so it shows me that he is serious. He is very much the gentlemen since I read on their wedding website that he asked his fiancee's father's permission before proposing to her. I thought that was incredibly sweet and respectful. Honestly, I've thought it through and I think I can safely say that I am no longer jealous or envious since last night. I went to Confession this morning and it was one of the things I mentioned. The priest really helped me see the error of my ways and I feel much better now. I don't want to have feelings for the groom, which is why I might decline their invitation. I'm probably going to be getting it soon since they are already asking for addresses and making arrangements. The only thing they haven't done is decide where the reception and honeymoon will be spent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
organwerke Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 [quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1308753359' post='2257254'] I don't want to have feelings for the groom, which is why I might decline their invitation. I'm probably going to be getting it soon since they are already asking for addresses and making arrangements. The only thing they haven't done is decide where the reception and honeymoon will be spent. [/quote] I'd suggest you to go. If the groom is a so nice man, I imagine he probably has nice friends too: maybe you could meet the man of your life!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MithLuin Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 It's not selfish or self-serving to react in this way. After all, you're trying to spare both him and his fiancee your possible reaction. After all, if you're looking at him longingly (even by accident), one of them is sure to notice. [quote]Few other griefs amid the ill chances of this world have more bitterness and shame for a man's heart than to behold the love of a lady so fair and brave that cannot be returned. ~ Aragorn[/quote] So, yeah, you'd probably be better off finding an alternative obligation for that day, so you can regretfully decline the invitation. But no need to decline yet! Wait until the date is closer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah147 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 [quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1308711133' post='2257144'] Lately, I've been feeling called to pursue a different path than religious life and I recently wondered if he was still dating her. I guess I just got my answer. [/quote] Has it been a while since you've seen the Priests and Sisters at your Parish, the ones that greatly inspired you to the religious life? I sooooo wish you had a spiritual director right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yaatee Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I think that this may be a good time to re-examine your interest in religious life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnlySunshine Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) [quote name='organwerke' timestamp='1308854051' post='2257749'] I'd suggest you to go. If the groom is a so nice man, I imagine he probably has nice friends too: maybe you could meet the man of your life!! [/quote] Well, pretty much everyone he knows is in my young adult group because he invited them there, and I am not interested in anyone else in that group at this time. So many of the nice young men have gotten married or engaged in the past year so there's really no one left. [quote name='MithLuin' timestamp='1308854098' post='2257751'] It's not selfish or self-serving to react in this way. After all, you're trying to spare both him and his fiancee your possible reaction. After all, if you're looking at him longingly (even by accident), one of them is sure to notice. So, yeah, you'd probably be better off finding an alternative obligation for that day, so you can regretfully decline the invitation. But no need to decline yet! Wait until the date is closer. [/quote] Thank you. I'm glad that you think that too. I was worried that I was being silly. [quote name='JoyfulLife' timestamp='1308865566' post='2257808'] Has it been a while since you've seen the Priests and Sisters at your Parish, the ones that greatly inspired you to the religious life? I sooooo wish you had a spiritual director right now. [/quote] Yes, a long while. The desire to become a religious, for me, only occurs when I'm around religious and then wanes as time goes on. It makes me wonder if the call is authentic. Right now, I'm not sure it is. I wish I had a spiritual director also, but in my diocese, there is no one available to do it. Hopefully, with the new bishop, changes will be made soon. [quote name='Yaatee' timestamp='1308869460' post='2257853'] I think that this may be a good time to re-examine your interest in religious life. [/quote] I'm not sure what you mean? Do you think this is a hint that I am called to religious life? I'm sorry but I don't understand which way you're going. I'm really not sure which direction to go at this point. I don't want to make rash decisions and end my discernment again. I'm basically in neutral and I'm waiting for God to take the next step. I cannot afford visits to religious orders right now, so I'm just stuck. It's a waiting game, I suppose, but then isn't that what discernment is all about? Edited June 24, 2011 by MaterMisericordiae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yaatee Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 [quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1308877764' post='2257907'] Well, pretty much everyone he knows is in my young adult group because he invited them there, and I am not interested in anyone else in that group at this time. So many of the nice young men have gotten married or engaged in the past year so there's really no one left. Thank you. I'm glad that you think that too. I was worried that I was being silly. Yes, a long while. The desire to become a religious, for me, only occurs when I'm around religious and then wanes as time goes on. It makes me wonder if the call is authentic. Right now, I'm not sure it is. I wish I had a spiritual director also, but in my diocese, there is no one available to do it. Hopefully, with the new bishop, changes will be made soon. I'm not sure what you mean? Do you think this is a hint that I am called to religious life? I'm sorry but I don't understand which way you're going. I'm really not sure which direction to go at this point. I don't want to make rash decisions and end my discernment again. I'm basically in neutral and I'm waiting for God to take the next step. I cannot afford visits to religious orders right now, so I'm just stuck. It's a waiting game, I suppose, but then isn't that what discernment is all about? [/quote] Neutral sounds good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnlySunshine Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 [quote name='Yaatee' timestamp='1308880157' post='2257923'] Neutral sounds good. [/quote] I'm neutral like Switzerland (one of my fave countries, BTW). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah147 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) [quote name='Yaatee' timestamp='1308880157' post='2257923'] Neutral sounds good. [/quote] The problem with that is this: If Mater is called to the Religious Life and gets tempted to go out with some guy, and yada yada, there goes her vocation... Once married and having kids, it's not possible to leave them and go to an Order, unless the kids are grown up and you had an annulment, but thats YEARS. The logical thing is to try out Religious Life while you are single, and discern that well. If the Order and yourself discern you aren't called, and you discern you are called to marriage, then logically you would discern marriage. I would just hate to see you lose something you may be called to. Maybe the Good Lord has kept you single this long for a reason. You badly need a solid spiritual director and to keep focused on discernment before you get tangled up in a relationship with someone. Once in a relationship, it can be very hard to break up, from what I've heard. Have you considered writing some solid Men's Orders in your state, or even out-of-state, and seeing if they would be your SD by mail/email? Edited June 24, 2011 by JoyfulLife Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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