Reflections Of A Carmelite

[Indwelling Trinity]

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In reading many posts here at Phatmass, I have seen many young women who have been wounded by their experience of Carmel and in evaluating my own experience of Carmel over the years, I would like to share some thoughts. They may not be popular to many, and may challenge the popular perceptions of Carmel but I feel they need to be Spoken Publicly.


My heart goes out to those of you who have suffered so much. I too have known such suffering in Carmel. And yet my Love for Carmel remains intact after all these years. Carmel is a wonderful mystical space inviting the greatest depths of Intimacy with God. However we can no longer afford to ignore the temporal realities of the times in which we live.

Being comprised of human beings, no community is perfect. The same is true in Carmel, even more so as our communities are very small and life in Carmel can be a hothouse experience, oft times very shattering to the individual. Even OHM, St Teresa and OHF, St. John of the Cross did not escape negative judgments in Carmel, even to the extreme of being imprisoned. I have been a Carmelite for years. It is my heart, and expresses the core of who i am before God. However as much as i Love Carmel, Our order has much to learn in the way of loving. I had been taught in my Novitiate, that the Cross is the patrimony of Carmel, and so it is. But we must remember that the cross was and is and continues to be a concrete symbol of Infinite Mercy.

We Carmelites have to learn more deeply the words of Holy Scripture," I want Mercy and not and not sacrifice, a humble and contrite heart you will not spurn." We say it every Friday at the public penance, but do we in fact live those words?

New vocations do not come as ready made Carmelites. They only carry the seed of what they are called to become in Christ as Carmelites. The truth is, that it takes a lifetime to make a true Carmelite. But too often Carmel is afraid of anyone who may rock the boat or challenge it to continue to grow. Often the judgments are too quick to discount a vocation and the self sacrifice of the community is not resolved enough to help the struggling soul achieve that life in Christ they so much desire.

No not everyone is called to be a Carmelite. At the same time we need to look honestly at ourselves and ask ourselves if we are truly open to embrace the others brokenness or are simply too complacent to try. I do believe in the old saying that a Carmelite is born and not made, for like any vocation , it is a gift of grace.And as the Carmelite is essentially a Hermit, I think this is doubly true. The hermit vocation, even as a hermit in community is a rare one.

But honest struggle does not preclude the validity of a true vocation. Even Jesus said that "he would not break the bruised reed nor quench the smoldering wick." That smoldering wick may very well be the vocation that is trying desperately to become fire and all it needs is a compassionate hand to gently and lovingly fan it until it does become ablaze with the fire of love for Christ growing in sanctity and grace.

It saddens my heart to see so many vocations broken by Carmel, and my heart knows shame, for this is not the essence of what Carmel is. To be alone with the Alone, does not preclude the mandate of loving others as God loves us. If anything, our solitary life in Carmel should serve to expand our hearts in love for all and not enclose it in a narrow box of of simply conventional wisdom accepted without understanding of it's true meaning.

The life of Carmel is immanently relevant for today and I believe a stronghold for troubled times to come. Holding fast to solid tradition is a wonderful gift but only if it still embodies the true Gospel Message. And that Message is the message of a love so strong that it will go to any length to embrace God and all else in Him in a fiery compassionate love that knows no bounds. That is the message of the Cross and of He who hung on that Cross for us. If we cannot make a concerted effort to embrace those who come to our doors seeking to give themselves to love, How can we claim to embrace a broken humanity in need of God's healing grace? How can we offer our lives for others when we cannot even offer ourselves for those with whom we live and encounter?

I have seen so many women rejected by Carmel, fiercely defend and embrace the very same communities who so easily rejected them often with no other cause than they did not adopt the life quick enough. Before one can adopt a life, one must first adapt to it and that process varies for each individual. I am not speaking of the souls that are just not equipped to handle this intense life and who deteriorate in such a lifestyle. But clearly there must be a differentiation made between on who deteriorates and one who struggles to become free... Yes Carmel is not for the weak hearted for it requires a staunch soul to weather it's trails. But until it becomes obvious that one cannot live the life with interior equanimity, let us not be so quick to cast them off... for we may one day be surprised to find in that smoldering wick, another Teresa of Avila, Therese or Elizabeth or Edith Stein....

What is needed is a Carmel of Mercy. Carmels willing to embrace in love those who come to their door who are less than the perfect stereotypical specimen of what a Carmelite is. Our Earliest Carmelite fathers were not polished men, they were broken, war weary crusaders and penitents with that one desire, to give themselves completely to God in a life of intimate love, in silence, solitude, in a prayer that was unceasing as a supportive loving community of brothers and hermits.

Let us not forget our true beginnings as poor penitents in need of healing but also given the spark of fiery love engendered within their spirit by God. Only a true penitent can grasp the need for mercy and in turn offer that same mercy to others who share that very same humanity and desire to love unceasingly as God first loved us.

To those of you who struggle with Carmel, always keep in mind that a True Carmelite is first known from within. If God has given you that fire to live for Him alone, embrace it with all your heart for it is a true gift of the Spirit calling you to ever deeper iniimacy with He who dwells within. Let yourself not be put off nor become embittered. Embrace the truth, call things for what they are and allow yourself to forgive wrongs whether intentional or allowed by God's permissive will. Then with that knowledge and the fire of your persevering love, allow yourself to be transformed into love. Only look at the cross and you will find your way and a safe haven in Him. Embrace it and you too will become Love.

I love you ALL.

Edited May 28, 2011 by Indwelling Trinity

[MargaretTeresa]

Thanks for your encouraging words. I'm discerning, and Carmels are some of the places that I've narrowed it down to.

Pax and God bless.

[OnlySunshine]

I truly believed I had a vocation to Carmel when I started discerning. Heck, I even applied to the Carmelite Sisters of the Divine Heart of Jesus. But now I know, as much as I love the spirituality, it is not the right spirituality for me. I have learned that I need to be in a community that embraces togetherness. I would not last as a hermit, and it's good that I know this. I need to be with people otherwise I withdraw from the world and it becomes unhealthy. I have respect for those who can live the life for they truly have blessings from God in order to cope with the trials the life may/will bring.

Thank you, IT, for this compelling statement. God bless!

[faithcecelia]

I won't quote your post as so much of it rings true for me, and a lot of it hurts. I loved my first Carmel, I loved all my sisters and I loved the way of life. My desire to live it fully and truely let to a huge battle within me - a battle made possible by the assurances of support - my NM told me that as long as I was holding on by my fingernails, I would be held and supported while I worked things out. Sadly when it came to it, it wasnt actually the case and I was sent away very rapidly (gone within 20hrs of being told, and without saying goodbye to most). They gave me generous financial support, but what I really needed was what they had promised but didn't give - to be held and supported while I worked things out.

For 19mths I have worked towards returning (this had been promised as I left - I didn't even bring all my things away with me) but the return feels like a carrot held before a donkey. When I said I was going to look elsewhere to find somewhere I would be accepted as I am now rather than the person I had been, I was discouraged - they wanted me back, just not yet.

I have finally ended discernment with them, my choice. I can see that I will never be free there - all the work I have done to release myself from my past will count for little if I am still judged as who I was then. In the last 2 days I have decided to revisit a community I looked at before this decision, the one I believe may be right but that I rejected as my heart was still in my old one.

My old community was unique among English Carmels, it had its own style and 'feel'. I still love my sisters there - they will always be my sisters. I am glad I entered there and if I could turn back the clock i would do it again, but I accept that they are not the community for me to spend my life in. They are a big community who can pick and choose the women they have there, there is a lot of freedom which leads to a lot of voiced opinions (community meetings were never dull!!!) There is a lot of love there, but there is also a case that your face has to fit (as I heard is its reputation among other orders too).

One thing I have never doubted though is that I am a Carmelite. In the time I have been out, I have experienced 'the wilderness' in a way I never did in community, I have had a 'dark night'. I have found that I can be 'alone with the Alone' wherever I happen to be - even on a bus or sitting at a soft play centre with the child I nanny. I have come to know my God in a new way - the easy faith of my childhood and early adulthood has been tested, been pulled and poked about. I have known what God was really asking the day I agreed to hang on the cross with Christ, I have dragged myself to Communion with tears pouring down my face, not really wanting it with my feelings but allowing my faith, battered though it was, to take the lead. I have learned what it is to walk by blind faith, putting one foot in front of the other knowing that God will make it okay.

I am a Carmelite, this is what I do, I live by faith, listening for that gentle breeze that is God, however many storms and tornados may be going on around me. And one day, soon I hope, I will be back in Carmel where He wants me to be, with experiences that may, I hope, help me support others through similar struggles in the future.

Edited May 28, 2011 by faithcecelia

[jruss]

Are you any closer to starting a community for all of these beautiful but struggling carmelite souls, sister? I pray to Bl. Elizabeth for your health. Mother of Mercy, pray for us.

[Santa Cruz]

IT, thank you for sharing!

Gosh, one of my biggest fears in becoming a "religious" is that I will lose the radical call of the Gospel, to love God with all my heart, soul and strength AND love my neighbor as myself. I don't want to join a social club! I want to follow Christ to the Cross and Resurrection. I appreciate your words and wonder if you have shared them with Major Superiors of Carmel? I do not however think that what you express applies only the the Carmelite Order but rather, it is an ugly aspect of many Orders who were founded by broken, humble people zealous for the Lord and across generations, pride and laziness has set in. I say laziness, not in doing external works but in serving the needs of the Church TODAY, in standing side by side with the weak and outcast, nursing the wounds of the leper...Alas, this is not "new" to religious life either, as we see our Lord constantly reprimanding the "religious" in the Gospels. In the Parable of the Good Samaritan, Christ makes it clear that we are to love our neighbor as our self, extending mercy and He makes it clear that the religious are not modeling love of neighbor. See Luke 10; 25-37.

Again thank you. Good stuff.

[emilier98]

Thank you so much Indwelling!

I agree with Santa Cruz. The Carmelites are not the only ones who need to hear what you have said. Discernement has caused me more pain and anguish. I have been rejected by communities for superfluous reasons. I have been rejected by communities for very hurtful reasons. I am a Dominican through and through. I love the Dominican spirituality and charism, but am rejected because I am too old (I'm 30) do not fit the "mold" or I am a danger to the community because my parents were abusive and so I don't have a normal relationship with them. One is not born a nun or sister, but becomes one. I think many communities have forgotten this, forgotten that they too were once laity struggling to become what God called them to be. Thank you so much for your words. Would you mind if I put your post as a note on Facebook? I know others who would love to read it.

Pax,

Emilie

[OnlySunshine]

I've definitely been through some rough patches, too. I even gave up discernment a few times because I was tired of all the rejection. But God kept telling me to stop worrying about everything and let Him find my place. All I needed was to trust Him. I've been rejected by mainly cloistered communities because they were worried about my depression being a hindrance to living my vocation in community and being able to contribute to daily chores. I guess many of them think that I would spend the whole day in my room. There was only one cloistered community in Savannah, GA that would have allowed me for sure, but there was another in Texas that acted like my illness was not a big deal.

I am not sure I have a vocation to religious life. In fact, I'm having to set it aside in favor of finding a job since I cannot visit the community I'm interested in now.

[vee]

Hey Indwelling.. what the hey are you talking about?!?!? Can I get the Cliffs Notes version? Are you saying Carmelites are witches or just mean? Which are meaner Carms or OPs?

[Indwelling Trinity]

[quote name='emilier98' timestamp='1306724642' post='2247565']
Thank you so much Indwelling!

I agree with Santa Cruz. The Carmelites are not the only ones who need to hear what you have said. Discernement has caused me more pain and anguish. I have been rejected by communities for superfluous reasons. I have been rejected by communities for very hurtful reasons. I am a Dominican through and through. I love the Dominican spirituality and charism, but am rejected because I am too old (I'm 30) do not fit the "mold" or I am a danger to the community because my parents were abusive and so I don't have a normal relationship with them. One is not born a nun or sister, but becomes one. I think many communities have forgotten this, forgotten that they too were once laity struggling to become what God called them to be. Thank you so much for your words. Would you mind if I put your post as a note on Facebook? I know others who would love to read it.

Pax,

Emilie
[/quote]

Please feel free to share if you think this will help in the healing of others. In time God heals all things if only we let Him.
God Bless,

Indwelling Trinity

[organwerke]

[quote name='emilier98' timestamp='1306724642' post='2247565']
Thank you so much Indwelling!

I love the Dominican spirituality and charism, but am rejected because I am too old (I'm 30) do not fit the "mold" or I am a danger to the community because my parents were abusive and so I don't have a normal relationship with them. [/quote]

Dear Emilier, did you feel compelled to talk about your parents in detail with the communities you contacted? I've known many persons who feel they must say "all", and I too thought this in the past, but now I've learnt to protect my privacy and understand that no all is necessairly to be said in particular if something can be used against me. I am not discerning and so I know many of you may think differently but I am sure that even in case I was discerning I wouldn't disclose those details of my life that I do not want to share, and this without feeling guilty or dishonest or liar.

Edited May 30, 2011 by organwerke

[faithcecelia]

[quote name='organwerke' timestamp='1306790658' post='2247784']
Dear Emilier, did you feel compelled to talk about your parents in detail with the communities you contacted? I've known many persons who feel they must say "all", and I too thought this in the past, but now I've learnt to protect my privacy and understand that no all is necessairly to be said in particular if something can be used against me. I am not discerning and so I know many of you may think differently but I am sure that even in case I was discerning I wouldn't disclose those details of my life that I do not want to share, and this without feeling guilty or dishonest or liar.
[/quote]



I can, in a small way, relate to Emilier and having been through what I have, I would definately encourage complete honesty aboiut difficult histories. If you are to truely and completely give yourself to God through a community, you need to trust your superiors, especially the novice mistress, with everything. You get so broken down and turned inside out that you simply cannot keep things hidden, everything comes out, and needs to. I insist on honesty from day one from myself - if they cannot accept my past (which made me who I am) I do not want to be one of them. Thankfully there are communities that will accept those with tough pasts, even if they are not so easy to find.

[IamMyBeloveds]

[quote name='faithcecelia' timestamp='1306574550' post='2247029']
I won't quote your post as so much of it rings true for me, and a lot of it hurts. I loved my first Carmel, I loved all my sisters and I loved the way of life. My desire to live it fully and truely let to a huge battle within me - a battle made possible by the assurances of support - my NM told me that as long as I was holding on by my fingernails, I would be held and supported while I worked things out. Sadly when it came to it, it wasnt actually the case and I was sent away very rapidly (gone within 20hrs of being told, and without saying goodbye to most). They gave me generous financial support, but what I really needed was what they had promised but didn't give - to be held and supported while I worked things out.

For 19mths I have worked towards returning (this had been promised as I left - I didn't even bring all my things away with me) but the return feels like a carrot held before a donkey. When I said I was going to look elsewhere to find somewhere I would be accepted as I am now rather than the person I had been, I was discouraged - they wanted me back, just not yet.

I have finally ended discernment with them, my choice. I can see that I will never be free there - all the work I have done to release myself from my past will count for little if I am still judged as who I was then. In the last 2 days I have decided to revisit a community I looked at before this decision, the one I believe may be right but that I rejected as my heart was still in my old one.

My old community was unique among English Carmels, it had its own style and 'feel'. I still love my sisters there - they will always be my sisters. I am glad I entered there and if I could turn back the clock i would do it again, but I accept that they are not the community for me to spend my life in. They are a big community who can pick and choose the women they have there, there is a lot of freedom which leads to a lot of voiced opinions (community meetings were never dull!!!) There is a lot of love there, but there is also a case that your face has to fit (as I heard is its reputation among other orders too).

One thing I have never doubted though is that I am a Carmelite. In the time I have been out, I have experienced 'the wilderness' in a way I never did in community, I have had a 'dark night'. I have found that I can be 'alone with the Alone' wherever I happen to be - even on a bus or sitting at a soft play centre with the child I nanny. I have come to know my God in a new way - the easy faith of my childhood and early adulthood has been tested, been pulled and poked about. I have known what God was really asking the day I agreed to hang on the cross with Christ, I have dragged myself to Communion with tears pouring down my face, not really wanting it with my feelings but allowing my faith, battered though it was, to take the lead. I have learned what it is to walk by blind faith, putting one foot in front of the other knowing that God will make it okay.

I am a Carmelite, this is what I do, I live by faith, listening for that gentle breeze that is God, however many storms and tornados may be going on around me. And one day, soon I hope, I will be back in Carmel where He wants me to be, with experiences that may, I hope, help me support others through similar struggles in the future.
[/quote]


Amen to that. God bless you for your journey.

[loveofchrist1]

wow these stories are an eye opener for me as i start my discernment journey.
Goodness how can these religious communities say being 30 is old- i wonder what they would think if i told them about my past,they might say i will them to temptation or what!?.
God help me.

[InPersonaChriste]

I am discerning with Benedictines, but I still found your words helpful.