Spiritual Depression Due To Vain Discernment

[Studiumecclesiae]

I'll try to be more explicit.

Have you ever - in your discernment - been confronted to [b]ACEDIA[/b], this spiritual sadness inside. When for example at some point you've been all round a kind of spirituality, or visited several convents, and still think you're wasting your energy, you can't find the right place?

You know you're dealing with acedia when you are filled with despair, you cut down on prayer, you give it all up, in a way.

You're fed-up with the spirituality you are in and want to look at other ones. The neighbour's grass is greener, and therefore better. You cease to read the Rule you liked most, you go round other spiritualities and get lost. You don't know where you are and why you're here for.
[img]http://nihongo.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/9684869/2/istockphoto_9684869-apart-lonely-nun.jpg[/img]
It last for a while, till you go to confession and say it all. That you gave it all up. And you get a penance, or several. It can last for weeks, months. And then you go back to it, to where you are meant to be. It's only the Devil who kept you away from YOUR path.

Did it happen to any of you? Because I'm deep in it. I had so much expectancy, I really thought it would be "it", that I had found the right place, and disappointment drove me to this state: I feel stigmatized. Kind of fed-up, tired, done.

[i]StudiumEcclesiae[/i]

[MargaretTeresa]

I'm praying for you.
I'm in a sort-of similar place. Only sort-of since I haven't gotten to visit anywhere yet. But I think I would fit in perfectly in this one community, but I can't help but wonder. I emailed the vocations director about a week and a half ago and I haven't heard back from her yet. It makes me nervous. It makes me wonder - is this a sign?

Then there's this other community. I feel drawn there even though they're VERY contemplative. But will they be too contemplative?

It's all and

[Yaatee]

I think that [i]visiting [/i]would help a great deal, and talking to religious in various communities. Of course, having a good spiritual director is essential, but not always possible. I think that if I were much much younger, single and seriously considering it, I would approach it as I did searching for a spouse. I had no outstanding debts. I was ready, finished with the major schooling, and had the time and money to search. In religious life, this would mean doing the online vocational research,vocational tests, etc and then visiting actual religious houses, seeing and talking to religious, seeing their works, living their life insofar as it is possible. Until you can do this, I think that it is very difficult to know if the life is for you, let alone the community. It would be worthwhile to talk to religious and visit them if they are nearby, in your city or at your college, even if they are not in communities you are interested in. You never know.

Edited May 22, 2011 by Yaatee

[MargaretTeresa]

I suppose I could always visit the Poor Clares in Memphis.

Ole Miss is very Southern. And not a sister in sight. >sigh<

I have taken the online tests and done some research. I do need a spiritual director, which is something that is hard to find. [img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/blink.gif[/img] Like I said, I have to finish school and everything first.

Although, hopefully, I will get to have a short visit with the Paulines in StL this summer.

[Yaatee]

[quote name='MargaretTeresa' timestamp='1306107075' post='2244611']
I suppose I could always visit the Poor Clares in Memphis.

Ole Miss is very Southern. And not a sister in sight. >sigh<

I have taken the online tests and done some research. I do need a spiritual director, which is something that is hard to find. [img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/blink.gif[/img] Like I said, I have to finish school and everything first.

Although, hopefully, I will get to have a short visit with the Paulines in StL this summer.
[/quote]

The visit will help. And, as you know, there are a[i] lot[/i] of communities in StL, all types apostolic, cloistered, habited and non. You might look them over and visit one or two others which remotely interest you. It all will help.

wow, Mississippi....! Ol' Miss[i] is[/i] very southern, but it's a very good school, too! Is there a Newmans' Club there? Ours in my university town is staffed by a Dominican priest and sister, who wears a nice suit--I don't know what group she's in.

[MargaretTeresa]

[quote name='Yaatee' timestamp='1306107520' post='2244614']
The visit will help. And, as you know, there are a[i] lot[/i] of communities in StL, all types apostolic, cloistered, habited and non. You might look them over and visit one or two others which remotely interest you. It all will help.

wow, Mississippi....! Ol' Miss[i] is[/i] very southern, but it's a very good school, too! Is there a Newmans' Club there? Ours in my university town is staffed by a Dominican priest and sister, who wears a nice suit--I don't know what group she's in.
[/quote]

We have Catholic Campus Ministry, or, as it's been called this year, Good Cheer. It's lead by a lay person, Brad, who does a wonderful job. Different peeps come in and speak.

But no, no religious other than when Fr. Joe stops by

[faithcecelia]

I haven't experienced exactly what you describe, but I am having a bit of a crisis of confidence at present. After completely ending all further discernment with my old community a few days ago I felt calm and relieved the next day. Today, however, I am feeling rather 'wibbly' and cant help but wonder if I will ever find a community that likes me and where I like them. If the call wasn't so strong I think I would be tempted to give up

[Catherine Therese]

I can't emphasise enough the importance of ACTIVELY realising that a vocation is God's call to God's plan, in God's timing.

By ACTIVELY I mean that it is not enough to acknowledge this on an intellectual level. This intellectual realization needs then to inform your actions and you need to live accordingly. Otherwise you're going to drive yourself nuts with frustration.

In my personal experience, God's call wasn't a single, life-defining gong in my ear. It was a gentle whisper that recurred over a long, long time. Each little whisper built ever-so-slightly on the previous one. Over time this developed into a coherent message that I eventually understood and could respond to. But when the whispers first started coming, I DIDNT have a coherent message and I COULDNT 'do' anything about it except getting on with TRYING (and more often than not failing) to live a good and prayerful life.

It sounds like you may have heard a whisper - maybe several. And you've jumped to attention and wholeheartedly responded by going and investigating all the different charisms and orders in order to see if any of them stood out as the direction in which you were being led. This is GREAT, but now the ball is in God's court! You can't DO anything to speed this along. Let God do the doing! I promise you - if you have a vocation to religious life and you've done everything that you have said, another whisper will come. And another. Until you understand enough about where God is leading to ease your frustration and take whatever step is next.

At this point, in my humble opinion and with my limited life experience, I offer the following two suggestions:

1. Read (slowly and prayerfully) the following books, preferably in the order listed:
* Searching For and Maintaining Inner Peace (Fr Jacques Philippe)
* In the School of the Holy Spirit (Fr Jacques Philippe)
* Interior Freedom (Fr Jacques Philippe)
* And You Are Christ's (Fr Thomas Dubay)

2. Disengage from active 'searching' and trying to 'force' the vocation discernment process. Get on with your life and wait, again ACTIVELY, for God to work in you. By actively, I mean focus on your relationship with God, not on what He might be calling you to do and be. If you have established a good pattern of regular prayer (daily Mass where possible, daily rosary, daily time in silent meditation and some spiritual reading are the most important ones. If you're able, its great to include Morning and Evening Prayer from the Divine Office, too) then maintain this, focus on doing this faithfully, attentively and well. NOT with any strings attached that mean you're expecting immediate vocational awareness - aim to do this simply to work on your relationship with God. (If you don't have a pattern of prayer like this just yet, work towards establishing it. Not all at once - just a little bit at a time, or you'll quickly become discouraged.)


I really think this is all you need to 'do' for now. The relationship with God is the most important thing, the ONLY important thing. The books will help with some good, firm, commonsense guidance in the spiritual life, Fr Jacques Philippe is a master and his work is such a breath of fresh air. Having done these two things you'll become so attuned to God's work in your life that you will almost certainly be able to hear His voice clearly and understand where He is leading you.

Be patient and let God do His work in you. You are a child, He is your Father. YOU don't have to pay the bills or lock the house up at night - that is your Father's job. You only need to love and honour your Father and enjoy His love and protection.

I hope this helps! I might not be a crash hot advice-giver and the above might not speak adequately to your situation - if this is the case, at least be assured of my prayers for you! God bless

[Yaatee]

[quote name='MargaretTeresa' timestamp='1306108081' post='2244619']
We have Catholic Campus Ministry, or, as it's been called this year, Good Cheer. It's lead by a lay person, Brad, who does a wonderful job. Different peeps come in and speak.

But no, no religious other than when Fr. Joe stops by
[/quote]

Well, here's something.

A clip from the diocesan newspaper Mississippi Catholic, which features Dominican sisters in pastoral care at St. Dominic Health Services (hospital?) in Jackson. Note some are in habit. They might be available for a visit.

[url="http://www.mississippicatholic.com/categories/diocese/2011/050611/dominican.html"]http://www.mississip.../dominican.html[/url]

The is a terrific group, the Dominican Sisters of Springfield MA .

[url="http://www.springfieldop.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=46&Itemid=56"]http://www.springfie...id=46&Itemid=56[/url]

Edited May 23, 2011 by Yaatee

[ACS67]

I think Catherine Therese gave you some excellent advice (congratulations by the way Catherine Therese on your acceptance to the Nashille Dominicans!). I would only add this: Monitor your expectations and attachments to pre-conceived outcomes. This can be draining not only in your discernment to a religious vocation but also to anything else you may pursue in life.

As Christians, we not only have to [i]mimic [/i]the words of Our Lord "Not my will but thine be done" [b]we have to mean them[/b]. God knows what is best for us and that may or may not be what [b]we desire[/b], no matter how heartfelt or "sure" we are about those desires. And in the end...we have to be okay with that. God wants you to be happy. If you listen to Him and follow His voice, you will be....Let go...and trust Him.

"Not my will but Thine be done."

[OnlySunshine]

I know exactly what you mean as I went through the very same thing when I returned home from the Carmelite Sisters of the Divine Heart of Jesus. I formally ended my discernment with them and felt as though I would never find the convent I was called to, or that I wasn't called at all. I would look around, but it was always kind of ho-hum and I didn't put forth much effort at all. Then, my discernment was ended for a while do to some problems with my health and I simply gave up. I went through a period of spiritual dryness where I felt like no amount of prayer helped me. I am going through something similar now. It seems sometimes that God is very far away, but I know that is not His fault, but mine. This is a time when I need to pray the most and get past it. Otherwise, I will drown.

[AccountDeleted]

What can I say? I think we all go through periods of feeling very alone and that things will never get better - but that is more a dark night of the soul than acedia, which is more like a boredom and feeling that what one is doing is meaningless. A lot of religious go through acedia as well, and it has a nickname, 'the noontime demon' because it can occur in the middle of the day and cause a person to wonder why they have chosen their particular path and if it has any value. It is a form of spiritual apathy. There is an interesting book about this called, I think, Acedia and Me, but I read it a long time ago and am not sure about that title.

The advice is usually the same in either the dark night or acedia - just keep on doing what you were doing before this state came upon you... (St Ignatius' advice, not mine). This too shall pass. St John of the Cross even says that when one is in consolation, it seems as if this state will last forever, but in desolation the feeling is the same - we always think that where we are at the moment is all that there will ever be.... but it isn't. It's just a stepping stone along the way.

And in the words attributed to Jesus, via Julian of Norwich, "All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well." Sometimes it just takes a little extra faith to believe that.

Prayers for you.

Edited May 23, 2011 by nunsense

[FutureSister2009]

My spiritual depression does not have to do with finding the right community, I'm almost certain of my community. My spiritual depression has to do with the fact that my mom will not let me enter. She doesn't understand how much I want this. She wants me to wait a year and I am so terrified of losing my Vocation. She said if I go now, I have to finance it myself. I want to go now but I also want her to be there with me when I take my vows and receive my habit. I want her to help me plan my shower and everything but she won't do it now. I can't stand waiting any longer. It's really truly breaking my heart.

[Santa Cruz]

[quote name='nunsense' timestamp='1306120499' post='2244721']
What can I say? I think we all go through periods of feeling very alone and that things will never get better - but that is more a dark night of the soul than acedia, which is more like a boredom and feeling that what one is doing is meaningless. A lot of religious go through acedia as well, and it has a nickname, 'the noontime demon' because it can occur in the middle of the day and cause a person to wonder why they have chosen their particular path and if it has any value. It is a form of spiritual apathy. There is an interesting book about this called, I think, Acedia and Me, but I read it a long time ago and am not sure about that title.

The advice is usually the same in either the dark night or acedia - just keep on doing what you were doing before this state came upon you... (St Ignatius' advice, not mine). This too shall pass. St John of the Cross even says that when one is in consolation, it seems as if this state will last forever, but in desolation the feeling is the same - we always think that where we are at the moment is all that there will ever be.... but it isn't. It's just a stepping stone along the way.

And in the words attributed to Jesus, via Julian of Norwich, "All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well." Sometimes it just takes a little extra faith to believe that.

Prayers for you.
[/quote]

Nunsense is communicating some good counsel tested through time. Do you have a spiritual director as he will know you across time and will have the training to help you battle this. Also in the case of acedia, manual labor is recommended by the Desert Fathers. If you can get out and garden, clean the house or go for a brisk walk or jog on a regular basis? When I do manual labor or exercise, it surely helps clear my mind.

I will be praying for you and all struggling with this.

[Yaatee]

[quote name='FutureSister2009' timestamp='1306162216' post='2244854']
My spiritual depression does not have to do with finding the right community, I'm almost certain of my community. My spiritual depression has to do with the fact that my mom will not let me enter. She doesn't understand how much I want this. She wants me to wait a year and I am so terrified of losing my Vocation. She said if I go now, I have to finance it myself. I want to go now but I also want her to be there with me when I take my vows and receive my habit. I want her to help me plan my shower and everything but she won't do it now. I can't stand waiting any longer. It's really truly breaking my heart.
[/quote]

But, once again, what does[i] the community[/i] want? Maybe they would like you to have another year of school. If you lose your vocation in a year of school, maybe you didn't have one. Can you and your mother visit these sisters? Even the application takes time and money for the tests. Is there a dowry? You'll have to buy clothing, shoes, etc. All of this will take time, even after your mother's assent. Once you are of age, 18?, 21?, you can go ahead. Your parents may come around during your formation.

Waiting build maturity. Everyone, but especially the young, want everything[i] now.[/i] But you often can't have it [b]now[/b].

If my daughter wanted this, I would require that she be 21, same as if she wanted to marry.

Edited May 23, 2011 by Yaatee