Worries After First Confession

[Ada]

I am a very shy person, and I did my first confession last month (I'm in RCIA) but since then I have been SO worried that it wasn't good enough or "valid". I am worried if I did mortal sin in the past, and haven't confessed it. What if I deliberately held back?

Because of my shyness and lack of ability to really talk sometimes, I wasn't able to bring some things up. The confession I had was somewhat different I think, I didn't feel that prepared and I was still confused about how to do confession, I mostly just sort of asked a question, and the priest would explain. He would ask, for example, if I ever was envious of someone? I would reply yes/no/I don't know/maybe. So I don't think confession is usually that way? Usually I think you just go in there say "Bless me father...etc" then list your sins off and that's it? I don't know... I mostly was just guided through it, because it was my first one.

Mortal sin is so confusing to me. I read over and over the definition of it, but that doesn't help me at all. Some things I didn't exactly say during confession, could very well be venial, but because I'm so into worrying and get confused about mortal and venial sin, it makes it harder to know. I also am not sure about how detailed you need to be.

I just want to know, be sure that I was forgiven of everything in the last/first confession, so I can go on to first communion and confirmation?
I think maybe I should just get to confession again before easter, just to be safe? but I also worry that if I say "I forgot" some things, that it would be a lie, what if I really didn't forget? and once I get to church for confession, I might not even have a chance to go, because of the time. But if I can go, maybe it's okay if I say "I forgot"?

Some people tell me everything is okay, not to worry and everything in my past is forgiven, God sees my effort and accepts it. But I just feel so tormented from all this, I've been crying and losing sleep over it. (I hate to admit this, I feel so stupid) Also some people tell me maybe catholicism isn't for me if it causes me so much stress and worry... but I know, it's not supposed to be this way is it!? I can't help it that I'm prone to anxiety, and that maybe I'm just under some spiritual attack because I am becoming catholic (I've had plenty of "spiritual attacks"! one being apathy, if you can remember that post from me a few months ago! thankfully, I held on and I got out of it for now)

I fear SO much going through confirmation and first communion not being in the "state of grace."

Aside from all that, I've gone through so much, and I keep being brought back to having a deep desire to know and love God, especially with being catholic, because catholicism is true and God is all that really matters to me in this life!

Edited April 18, 2011 by Ada

[Vincent Vega]

You're allowed to confess venial sins in confession, you know.

[emilier98]

I'm also a convert and first confession made me really nervous too. Confession still makes me nervous. So first, take a deep breath and slowly let it out and calm down. Second talk to your sponsor and/or RCIA teacher about mortal sin and get the confusion cleared up. After that if you feel that you have committed a mortal sin that you accidentally, out of nervousness forgot then go ahead and go to confession again.

As I said I still get nervous when I go to confession so I got the app for my iPhone called Confession: A Roman Catholic app. It guides me through the examination of conscious and through confession which really helps me, so if you have a smart phone you could try that. I promise it gets easier and less nerve racking.

[Tally Marx]

I made my first Confession at age seven, and still worried about being in mortal sin when I made my Confirmation eight years later (Edited to add: meaning, I was concerned that my Confession the week before Confirmation had been invalid...not that I'd been in continuous mortal sin for eight years. Sorry for the odd wording of the previous sentence; sounded like I had a bad case of scruples, lol)
I was told by my Confessor that, yes, it could very well have been an attack.

No, I do not think it is usual to be so guided... but I cannot see how that would render it invalid, unless you deliberately knew of a sin but didn't mention it because "Father didn't ask".
If you do not know whether a sin is venial or mortal, you are obliged to confess it. Better safe than sorry.
The only detail needed is the sin (murder, theft, harbored anger, etc.) the number of times it was committed (and it is okay if you do not know how many times it actually was committed) and a description of the circumstances IF they change the nature/gravity of the sin (for example, you wouldn't just say "I stole some groceries" if you stole a million dollars worth of canned goods from a charity).
If you remembered something afterwards that you forgot to mention, it is forgiven anyway, provided you have true contrition for it. You have, by desire and intent, already confessed it ("for these and all the sins of my past life I am truly sorry").

If you are truly worried that your confession was invalid, then by all means go again. But, unless you can remember deliberately lying or holding something back, I would say it was valid.

I'll be praying for you! Pax!

Edited April 18, 2011 by Tally Marx

[cmaD2006]

[quote name='Ada' timestamp='1303105344' post='2229705']
I am a very shy person, and I did my first confession last month (I'm in RCIA) but since then I have been SO worried that it wasn't good enough or "valid". I am worried if I did mortal sin in the past, and haven't confessed it. What if I deliberately held back?[/quote]

The fact that you ask the question "what if I deliberately held back" makes me thing you didn't. You'd know that for sure! It doesn't sound like you did "ok -- I'm going to confession and I am definitely not going to mention xyz." It sounds more like "I'm going to confession with the intent to mention xyz" and you either forgot or got so nervous that you didn't say it. Besides the q&a probably got you more nervous (see below).

[quote name='Ada' timestamp='1303105344' post='2229705']
Because of my shyness and lack of ability to really talk sometimes, I wasn't able to bring some things up. The confession I had was somewhat different I think, I didn't feel that prepared and I was still confused about how to do confession, I mostly just sort of asked a question, and the priest would explain. He would ask, for example, if I ever was envious of someone? I would reply yes/no/I don't know/maybe. So I don't think confession is usually that way? Usually I think you just go in there say "Bless me father...etc" then list your sins off and that's it? I don't know... I mostly was just guided through it, because it was my first one. [/quote]

Being guided through confession isn't completely unheard of. My spiritual director (who is my confessor most of the times) has at times continued my confession with a litany of questions (which 90% of the times I answer "yes" to). I'm glad when he does that because it usually is something that I need to repent from.

[quote name='Ada' timestamp='1303105344' post='2229705']
Mortal sin is so confusing to me. I read over and over the definition of it, but that doesn't help me at all. Some things I didn't exactly say during confession, could very well be venial, but because I'm so into worrying and get confused about mortal and venial sin, it makes it harder to know. I also am not sure about how detailed you need to be.[/quote]

For something to be a mortal sin, there needs to be grave matter, deliberate consent (you said "yes I'm going to do this") , and full knowledge of what you were doing ("I know this is sinful"). If any of the three is missing -- then it can't be mortal.

If you think that there was anything that falls into this category that you didn't confess then by all means I'd go again to confession. If it does not, then it is venial and the last confession sufficed.

[quote name='Ada' timestamp='1303105344' post='2229705']
I just want to know, be sure that I was forgiven of everything in the last/first confession, so I can go on to first communion and confirmation?
I think maybe I should just get to confession again before easter, just to be safe? but I also worry that if I say "I forgot" some things, that it would be a lie, what if I really didn't forget? and once I get to church for confession, I might not even have a chance to go, because of the time. But if I can go, maybe it's okay if I say "I forgot"?

Some people tell me everything is okay, not to worry and everything in my past is forgiven, God sees my effort and accepts it. But I just feel so tormented from all this, I've been crying and losing sleep over it. (I hate to admit this, I feel so stupid) Also some people tell me maybe catholicism isn't for me if it causes me so much stress and worry... but I know, it's not supposed to be this way is it!? I can't help it that I'm prone to anxiety, and that maybe I'm just under some spiritual attack because I am becoming catholic (I've had plenty of "spiritual attacks"! one being apathy, if you can remember that post from me a few months ago! thankfully, I held on and I got out of it for now)

I fear SO much going through confirmation and first communion not being in the "state of grace."

Aside from all that, I've gone through so much, and I keep being brought back to having a deep desire to know and love God, especially with being catholic, because catholicism is true and God is all that really matters to me in this life!
[/quote]

This sounds a lot like an attack . But its simple ... if you do think that there is mortal sin that is unconfessed, you *could* call the rectory of your parish and try to talk to a priest. My parish actually has opportunities for confession all this week (up to thursday night) so you may also find a parish near you that has confessions.

People are right -- you are trying in earnest to do the right thing, and to God this is worth millions.

Hope this helps.

[JulianofLdn]

And, yes, share all this with your priest. He'll be able to address your worries; just the fact you're talking about it with somebody who knows will help ease your feelings, I think. Take it to him.

Good luck for your confirmation Is it this weekend?

[AccountDeleted]

I made a special appointment with a priest once because I thought I had committed a mortal sin and wanted to confess it immediatlye. A mortal sin not only has to be grave (very serious) but one has to know it and contine to do it anyway - in effect, causing a separation between oneself and God - on purpose. He reassured me that my intent was not to commit the sin and separate myself from God, so it was not a mortal sin. He heard the confession anyway and absolved me, but he did make me see that it really requires an act of will and intent to commit a mortal sin.

As for the venial sins, we confess these not because we are separated from God through them so much as because they are like little barriers between us and Him (as opposed to a split/sepration) that can build up over time and cause us to become insensitive to our relationship with Him. I love to go to confession because I like knowing that I am in a state of grace when I receive Him in the Eucharist, and because I hate the thought that anything at all might come between us.

Try to look on confession not as a burden or a thing to be feared, but as something akin to a spiritual 'shower'. There is nothing like having a nice hot shower after getting dirty, and there is nothing like going to reconciliation after doing things that might cause offence to someone who is so good. Don't be afraid of God - His love for you is beyond comprehension. And remember that Jesus said He came for us sinners, not for the righteous.

TAlk about your doubts and fears to someone you feel safe with... a priest or RCIA person or your sponsor. Prayers for you.

[Ash Wednesday]

When you go to confession, you are saying you are sorry for ALL of your sins. And ALL of your sins are forgiven. You confess what you know and can remember, and then leave the rest up to God until next time. I often will write the sins down or have an examination of conscience to take with me and I "go down the list" -- this helps me be thorough.

But blanking out in the confessional is a specialty of mine.

If you are prone to anxiety, you might end up being prone to scrupulosity. A scrupulous conscience is one that often worries that everything is potentially a mortal sin, that one hasn't made a "good enough" confession, and has a hard time "forgiving and forgetting" past confessed sins. Among other things. Often the key to combating scruples is to have a regular spiritual director and confessor. Don't feel like God's going to hold it against you for not learning everything and figuring it all out overnight. He won't. I know it will take me a lifetime...

Here is a newsletter on scupulosity, and they also have a book on the subject as well.
http://mission.liguori.org/newsletters/scrupanon.htm

[LaPetiteSoeur]

I have this awful thing of forgetting. I'll have it all in my head, ready to go....then the minute I step in the confessional, it's gone. Kaput. It's terrible.

As everyone said, though, you are still forgiven. I'm ceratin God understands--we are human after all. If you are uncomfortable attending confession at your parish, you can try others. The two priests who helped me have the best confessions weren't my pastor--I was less nervous with them (perhaps, though, its because they weren't my boss, like my pastor is).

Talk to your sponsor--that's why they are there, to help you on your journey! I wish my confirmandi talked to me more (she's my sister, so I understand).

God bless you on your journey!

[Papist]

To be mortal sin, the act must be 1) An act of grave matter that is... 2) Committed with full knowledge and... 3) Deliberate consent.

If your first confession was spanning over many, many years, you might want to schedule an appointment with a priest for a general confession. I worry too that I might forget to confess a sin or two. I started to make a list during my examination of conscience. I bring the list into the confessional with me. A priest told me once when he hears big/mortal sins b/c and then gives absolution he experiences the power of Christ's mercy much more so than hearing venial sins. Not that confessing venial sins is unnecessary.

Although it is not necessary under Church law to confess venial sins, it is wise and beneficial. Consider the advice of these four saints:

Saint Augustine: "In failing to confess, Lord, I would only hide You from myself, not myself from You."
Saint John Climacus: "Confession is like a bridle that keeps the soul which reflects on it from committing sin, but anything left unconfessed we continue to do without fear as if in the dark."
Saint Faustina: "A soul does not benefit from the sacrament of confession if it is not humble. Pride keeps it in darkness. The soul neither knows how, nor is it willing, to probe with precision the depths of its own misery. It puts on a mask and avoids everything that might bring it recovery."
Saint Josemaria Escriva: "At the time of your examination beware of the devil that ties your tongue."

Compare the benefits that the soul would receive by concealing vs. confessing one's sins. Pope John Paul II went to confession every single day [and I don't imagine he was giving his confessor a litany of mortal sins in there]. Therefore, the confession of our smaller imperfections can do us a great deal of good.

[Jaime]

Hey Ada

first of all, congratulations on your first confession!! It takes a lot of courage to enter RCIA.

Secondly, please remember that confession is a sacrament that we get to practice. You can go once a week, once a month or once a year. But you don't need to worry after making confession. If your intent was sincere (and it certainly sounds like it was) then you participated in the sacrament fully. Remember that the grace received is a gift that you need to accept. Also If you are worried about mortal sins that you failed to confess, remember that until you joined RCIA most likely you weren't fully informed what a mortal sin could be. By that fact alone, any grave sins that you may have committed would not be mortal because you didn't know what mortal meant!

[Ada]

Thanks everyone. Your replies have been a bit helpful. I printed some of them out to keep as notes.

[quote name='jaime (the artist formerly known as hot stuff) (the artist formerly known as hot stuff) (the artist formerly known as hot stuff) (the artist formerly known as hot stuff) (the artist formerly known as hot stuff) (the artist formerly known as hot stuff) (the artist formerly known as hot stuff)' timestamp='1303138416' post='2229776']
Hey Ada

first of all, congratulations on your first confession!! It takes a lot of courage to enter RCIA.

Secondly, please remember that confession is a sacrament that we get to practice. You can go once a week, once a month or once a year. But you don't need to worry after making confession. If your intent was sincere (and it certainly sounds like it was) then you participated in the sacrament fully. Remember that the grace received is a gift that you need to accept. Also If you are worried about mortal sins that you failed to confess, remember that until you joined RCIA most likely you weren't fully informed what a mortal sin could be. By that fact alone, any grave sins that you may have committed would not be mortal because you didn't know what mortal meant!
[/quote]

This makes sense. My intent was sincere, I just had trouble with it.
I don't think I knew what "mortal" and "venial" was in my past.

Sometimes I think there's nothing to worry about and maybe I did good enough in my last confession. I just worry that if I think it was okay, and that I said everything that I needed to, that I'm deceiving myself. But I also think, if I don't think it's good enough, that I am also deceiving myself. It's so confusing!

My only chance (I think) left to go to confession was today and I wasn't able to make it. Now I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know if I should trust the side of me that says, "everything is okay, you can go receive first communion and confirmation" or "everything is not okay, you can't go through with it!" If I go, and I think it's okay to, and it turns out it isn't then I fear I've done something so wrong. If it's not okay, and I forget it all now, I feel like what if I am not trusting God enough? What if the time was now to enter fully into the church, like I thought it would be finally? Everything else has been turning out okay, it's just this one thing that keeps me stuck now.

Edited April 20, 2011 by Ada

[TeresaBenedicta]

[quote name='Ada' timestamp='1303274870' post='2230446']
My only chance (I think) left to go to confession was today and I wasn't able to make it. Now I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know if I should trust the side of me that says, "everything is okay, you can go receive first communion and confirmation" or "everything is not okay, you can't go through with it!" If I go, and I think it's okay to, and it turns out it isn't then I fear I've done something so wrong. If it's not okay, and I forget it all now, I feel like what if I am not trusting God enough? What if the time was now to enter fully into the church, like I thought it would be finally? Everything else has been turning out okay, it's just this one thing that keeps me stuck now.
[/quote]

Definitely receive the sacraments!!

The Evil One is going to try and do everything he can to keep you from experiencing these great sacraments of His love for you-- don't let him!!

From what you've shared with us here, and everyone so far agrees, you have nothing to worry about. You made a beautiful first confession. That absolution is absolutely valid. As you continue going to confession as you grow in the faith, you will get a better handle on it. But for now, don't worry about it. You are sincere, and that sincerity shows itself in this very worry!!

Please, [i]please[/i] don't let the Evil One keep you away from receiving First Communion and Confirmation.

Perhaps, if it would make you feel better, stop by the parish office and talk with Father for a few minutes. Let him reassure you as well.

But trust me, sweetie, you have nothing to worry about.

Know of my prayers for you!!! God bless you!!!

[MrsSlappo]

You can always ask a priest for confession any time you see one, call the rectory and see if there is a time to stop by, or see if another parish nearby has confession . If it has been a month since your last confession, it definitely could not hurt to go again to just confess everything for the past month, and then bring up with the preist that you have concerns about having forgotten to mention X, Y, and Z in your last confession. If "forgotten" sounds wrong to you, you could say that out of nervousness and unfamiliarity with the sacrament that you "didn't take the opportunity to..." and it puts it in a totally positive light!

Confession can be scary, and a lot of priests have a tendancy to lead the confession rather then let the confessee do the confessing. By lead the confession I don't mean ask questions and have you answer, but if you stop listing sins they go straight to advice and then to absolution without letting you get another word in. That has happened to me before where I wanted to confess something else but the priest had told me to say my act of contrition and I didn't feel comfortable enough to say "wait I have one more!" Now I stop him all the time to add to the list .

Also, don't empower your past sins. If you confessed them, were absolved, had contrition and sincere intent, to continue to let them haunt you is to empower the sins that have already been forgiven of you. I used to think that I wasn't sorry enough in confession, or even when apologizing to other people, and I would go back and apologize to them a second or third or even fourth time when I felt it was a more sincere apology. They had already forgiven me and dropped the subject though, so I was just dwelling in my own sinfulness rather then moving on and striving to go out and do good!

-Mr. Slappo hijacking Mrs.Slappo's account.

[cmaD2006]

[quote name='Ada' timestamp='1303274870' post='2230446']
My only chance (I think) left to go to confession was today and I wasn't able to make it. Now I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know if I should trust the side of me that says, "everything is okay, you can go receive first communion and confirmation" or "everything is not okay, you can't go through with it!" If I go, and I think it's okay to, and it turns out it isn't then I fear I've done something so wrong. If it's not okay, and I forget it all now, I feel like what if I am not trusting God enough? What if the time was now to enter fully into the church, like I thought it would be finally? Everything else has been turning out okay, it's just this one thing that keeps me stuck now.
[/quote]

Agreed with what TeresaBenedicta and MsSlappo (aka MrSlappo) said.

And I would (if you're that concerned ... which I think you shouldn't be) go right up to the priest who will be celebrating the sacraments and ask him to confess you.

Heh I've got a "First Communion/Confirmation" story for you!

It was April 15, 1995 (I was 24). I left the area (by 8 hrs away)) one month before the easter vigil, and had to travel back to the parish where I had done RCIA. I also scheduled the movers to go to my parent's house to pick up my stuff on the same weekend (they came on Good Friday).

Well ... I hadn't done my first confession yet. The DRE didn't contact me to say how I should do that. Neither did I know if I just could (would they take my word on it? Gosh if not, I didn't want to go through that torture a second time.)

So its 15 minutes before show time ... gosh what do I do.

Finally I got the nerve up and said to the DRE ... um, what about my first confession.

She went and got the pastor. No prep time. I just said the biggest 3 things I could think of. That was that. Period. No chance to think of whether or not it was good enough, etc.

Well I'm still in the Church so maybe the sacraments took (hee hee hee hee hee). I'm well versed in the nuances of a good confession (hee hee hee hee hee). Lots of practice over the years.

Hope this helps overcome your fears -- don't walk away from the sacraments you're about to receive. RUN TO THEM!

Blessings and congrats!