Q For Guys, Relationship Q

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='AudreyGrace' timestamp='1302487321' post='2227358']
i'm a girl.. but i'm gonna go ahead and answer this anyways
if the situation you asked about wasn't wrong, you wouldn't have to ask others about it. you also wouldn't have to make excuses.
if it was right, you'd have peace. clearly you don't.
[/quote]
1. I am not making excuses. I don't see one excuse in this thread.

2. I wasn't even asking about what is right. I was asking about how someone would react to something, and then about how to handle something, not about moral judgment.

Perhaps I should have been clearer on my last post when I meant to elaborate on the payment to make sure that I was clear about that earlier.

[Fr. Antony Maria OSB]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1302486249' post='2227354']
Would you still suggest asking him where we stand before going out with someone else who offered to escort me to a restaurant he knows and that I am interested in visiting (this guy is actually a friend of a former classmate and another acquaintance)?

This guy paid for a little over half on Valentine's day when I suggested we do something since neither of us had dates, bought dinner with a gift card and paid for a rental when the theater movies had already started another time, and paid for his own stuff when he joined me at a friend's birthday outing. He also has only had one real relationship, which is sort of the same for me as I had one bf and one guy I dated a little bit.
[/quote]
Okay, this seems like a different situation than I first thought you were talking about. What you said here makes it seem (to me) like this guy was being nice to you as friend (not more than a friend, just friend) on Valentine's Day when you suggested you do something since neither of you had dates. Something that a good friend of mine who is a girl and I discussed a while back, and I think it is generally true, although people please correct me if you think I am mistaken here, is that guys have a tendency not to be alert enough to the implications their actions may have, while girls have a tendency to over-analyze things.

To answer your question, I think you need to ask yourself what other indications there were that he might be interested in dating you, but if he has never initiated anything then I think it is a safe bet that he simply considers you to be a good friend (which would perhaps explain the "more physical contact" you mentioned, which I'm guessing is hugs?)

God bless!
Joe

[Amppax]

Personally, I concur with everything Nihil said, couldn't have said it better myself.

[Luigi]

Nihil's right - most men don't play mind games. He is being, with you, who he is.
Naz Farmer's right - most guys are rather unaware of their own situations, and most women over-analyze (or over-invest meaning in) the guy's actions.

Original question: Would Guy A be be offended if the girl in question starting flirting with and starting dating Guy B She Met Online?
Answer: Maybe. But Guy A has done nothing overt/obvious to establish an exclusive relationship with the girl in question. If she starts flirting with & dating someone else, it might prompt Guy A into some kind of action - asking hiimself what he wants the relationship to be, and perhaps discussing it with the girl in question. If you want to see somebody else, where's the harm? Nobody's made any promises to anybody yet.

[Skinzo]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1302479792' post='2227305']
If you are just starting to go out with a girl you are kind of interested in, would you be offended if she was also flirting with and starting to see someone she met online?
[/quote]

Being someone of mature years and going back to your original post I don't see a problem. If one is "just starting to go out with a girl" then the bands have not been announced and no great commitment has been made, right? So I don't see a problem if she is seeing someone else. Nothing wrong with playing the field so to speak so long as everyone is open and up front about what they are doing. Now when I was younger I probably would not have liked the idea. But my dislike would have come more from my own insecurity than anything else. And that is not really defensible, I don't think. I now think it's best for everyone to play the field unless you are really sure you want to be "exclusive" with someone.
Regards,


S.

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='Luigi' timestamp='1302490927' post='2227384']If she starts flirting with & dating someone else, it might prompt Guy A into some kind of action - asking hiimself what he wants the relationship to be, and perhaps discussing it with the girl in question. [/quote]
Explain more please.

[Luigi]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1302514981' post='2227453']
Explain more please.
[/quote]

If the guy is interested in the girl, but hasn't really sat down to analyze precisely how interested he is, he might sit down to do some serious analysis when he sees her dating someone else. As Naz Farmer said, many guys are just rather unaware - seeing her date someone else might make him a little more aware - "I really do like her... I thought she liked me as much as I like her... Have I ever told her how much I like her?... Or have I just sort of assumed that she knew?... Maybe I should ask her out on an official date... Maybe I should stop assuming and say something specific..."

That sort of thing.

But I'm not saying either party should declare undying love for the other - it doesn't sound like you guys are anywhere near that point. Still, a little clarification could be helpful - "I'd like to date you, but I'd also like to date other people, too. I like you, I find you interesting, I'd like to get to know you better."

[Papist]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1302479792' post='2227305']
If you are just starting to go out with a girl you are kind of interested in, would you be offended if she was also flirting with and starting to see someone she met online?
[/quote]

Remove all doubt and ask him the question. As people stated before, guys don't play games and like it when the girls don't either. In fact, it is a trait that is attractive to a guy. Guys like to know what the status and expectations of things. If you like this guy, do not hide things. I am not saying call him and tell him, hey guess you I am going out with tonight. What I mean is, if he stumbles on the fact you are or did have a date, do not try to hide the fact. If he gets upset, then that is a tell-tale sign that he sees your relationship differently and could lead to a productive conversation.

Now, ask the question to yourself. How would you feel if he was looking to date others.

Edited April 12, 2011 by Papist

[fides' Jack]

I agree with most of the ideas expressed on this thread. To those, I would only add:

1. It is the responsibility of the guy to start the serious, "this is where we stand" discussion. Let the guy be the leader. If he can't, then he doesn't deserve you.

2. Certainly, if things haven't been defined, then you're not obliged to only go out with him. If he wants to be your sole relationship, then again, it's up to him to define that. On the other hand, I really hate this idea of a non-exclusive dating relationship. I've read a few books promoting that idea, to help you "weigh your options". But no guy wants to be in a serious relationship with someone who won't be in a serious, exclusive relationship with them. Just something to keep in mind.

3. Finally, the phrase "we haven't even kissed yet" is very cold to me. I hate the idea that I would not have been able to give that special gift to the beautiful woman who is now my wife, and she alone. This phrase makes it sound like any healthy relationship includes kissing. That's not the case. I'm very happy that the first person I kissed ended up marrying me, and I only wish that we had waited until marriage for that first kiss.


Anyway, I know most people on this site would disagree with that last point, but I really don't care.

I'm not intending to criticize you in any way, but you wanted to hear how a guy would consider that situation, and so I'm answering.

(Why do I always end my posts with disclaimers? That's it! From now on, no disclaimers in my posts!)

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='Papist' timestamp='1302630566' post='2227807']Now, ask the question to yourself. How would you feel if he was looking to date others.
[/quote]
Disappointed he wasn't more interested in me, but I was interested in him a while ago too, but the time at least wasn't right at least for me then.

Edited April 12, 2011 by Light and Truth

[Papist]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1302640120' post='2227883']
Disappointed he wasn't more interested in me, but I was interested in him a while ago too, but the time at least wasn't right at least for me then.
[/quote]

I see. Are you getting a sense he is interested in you now? I'd make things real clear between you two in lieu of not loosing a friendship. It seems y'all have known each other for a while.

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='Papist' timestamp='1302641235' post='2227894']
I see. Are you getting a sense he is interested in you now? I'd make things real clear between you two in lieu of not loosing a friendship.[i] It seems y'all have known each other for a while.[/i]
[/quote]
Valentines day was the fifth time that I saw him in person. We rarely chatted on FB IM before (I added him at some point), just every once in a while. He is rarely on when I am on. I tutored him in finance, then business law possibly once. Finance was two or three times, and ran into him once near the library at school, and he once joined me for lunch when we both happened to be at the tutoring center and hungry. He had not seen me in nearly nine months and did not hang out with me much before hand.

As for interested in me, I doubt it, but he has initiated conversations on IM now and when we talked on the phone, he was asking me about doing something. This Saturday we were out at the birthday party of one of me best friend, and he mentioned seeing The Office together when I mentioned the BBC version which he has not seen and he had had his hand around my back while we all walked back into the theater to see the movie restart (we had all missed the first few minutes) and his hand on my knee when I was cold and moved my jacket up over my shoulders. He does not much call me, but did say to call him any time, the second time was in the text he sent saying he had a good time with me and my friends and thank you for the help getting my (his) truck back (from the mechanic). I know that when I asked him (when we went out to dinner with his gift cards and got a movie) what he looked for in a relationship and that one thing he would want was someone who could manage her own life without having to call him all the time. He tried that night as well as this Saturday to see if I was ticklish and looked at me a lot during the funny parts of the movie when we were laughing. He did not comment on the fact that between Valentine's day and the next time he saw me, several weeks later, I had changed my hair. After we went out, he texted me or IMed me saying it was fun. What is your analysis?

Edited April 13, 2011 by Light and Truth

[Papist]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1302660751' post='2228025']
Valentines day was the fifth time that I saw him in person. We rarely chatted on FB IM before (I added him at some point), just every once in a while. He is rarely on when I am on. I tutored him in finance, then business law possibly once. Finance was two or three times, and ran into him once near the library at school, and he once joined me for lunch when we both happened to be at the tutoring center and hungry. He had not seen me in nearly nine months and did not hang out with me much before hand.

As for interested in me, I doubt it, but he has initiated conversations on IM now and when we talked on the phone, he was asking me about doing something. This Saturday we were out at the birthday party of one of me best friend, and he mentioned seeing The Office together when I mentioned the BBC version which he has not seen and he had had his hand around my back while we all walked back into the theater to see the movie restart (we had all missed the first few minutes) and his hand on my knee when I was cold and moved my jacket up over my shoulders. He does not much call me, but did say to call him any time, the second time was in the text he sent saying he had a good time with me and my friends and thank you for the help getting my (his) truck back (from the mechanic). I know that when I asked him (when we went out to dinner with his gift cards and got a movie) what he looked for in a relationship and that one thing he would want was someone who could manage her own life without having to call him all the time. He tried that night as well as this Saturday to see if I was ticklish and looked at me a lot during the funny parts of the movie when we were laughing. What is your analysis?
[/quote]

You can't interpret hand on knee any other way. He is definitely interested in you beyond friendship. It appears he is being safe and subtle. I think he is seeing how you respond. I think his flirting will get more bold as his confidence rises from thinking his flirting is welcomed. Many guys flirt subtle b/c they want to be sure the girl likes him before he reveals his heart. Back to your OP question. I don't think he would be offended, but he might be a little hurt. However, this could spawn to a healthy and productive conversation with him.

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='Papist' timestamp='1302664709' post='2228056']
You can't interpret hand on knee any other way. [i]He is definitely interested in you beyond friendship.[/i] It appears he is being safe and subtle. I think he is seeing how you respond. I think his flirting will get more bold as his confidence rises from thinking his flirting is welcomed. Many guys flirt subtle b/c they want to be sure the girl likes him before he reveals his heart. Back to your OP question. I don't think he would be offended, but he might be a little hurt. However, this could spawn to a healthy and productive conversation with him.
[/quote]
Definitely? Thou knowest from the hand on the knee?

Edited April 13, 2011 by Light and Truth

[mommas_boy]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1302479792' post='2227305']
If you are just starting to go out with a girl you are kind of interested in, would you be offended if she was also flirting with and starting to see someone she met online?
[/quote]

At the stage of "just starting to go out", no, because I would do the same.

At the moment, I am three months from being married, but when I was dating, I had rules:

[list]
[*] There is a difference between dating and courting. Dating is non-exclusive. The purpose of dating is to figure out whether or not you want to see someone exclusively. Courting is exclusive, and its purpose is to discern marriage.
[*] Since dating is non-exclusive, then my body must be saying the same thing that my words are. Therefore, while dating, no kissing, no hand-holding. I would limit myself to those things that I would normally do with friends.
[*] Courting ***is*** exclusive. While I would allow myself to kiss a woman I was courting, I would not court or even date another woman. This would be cheating.
[*] One ought to limit the amount of dates that they go on. Three should be plenty to determine whether or not you will move onto courting. If I wasn't sure at that point, I knew that it wasn't right.
[/list]

I dated non-exclusively, and was very forth-right with the women whom I dated about it. When I met my fiancee, I was seeing five women, and they all knew that I was doing a lot of dating in order to find who was right for me. They also knew my rules. And those experiences being concurrent with one another helped me to be objective, rather than falling head-over-heels for any one person. [b]I can tell you that when I met Emily, I was able to make, on the first date, the rational and level-headed decision that I was willing to forego the possibilities of ALL of the other relationships, just so that I could be exclusive with Emily.[/b] I took a risk, and told the other women that I had found someone. That risk was what allowed me to be even more objective about that relationship with Emily. Our wedding date is July 16th of this year. ;-)