Advice On A Family Matter

[Cherie]

Dear Pham,

Please bear with me; this is somewhat long, and I was reluctant to bring this up in a public forum, but I sincerely want some advice on this subject.

My father and I are, for all intents and purposes, estranged. How it got that way is a little complex, but let me give a "Reader's Digest" version:

My parents were divorced when I was in 2nd grade. My siblings and I visited my father on Wednesdays and every other weekend. I have some happy memories with him from that time, although I can remember knowing, even as a child, that my dad was a very selfish man, and he would often leave us to our own devices when we were visiting him, being busy with his rock band or other things he wanted to do.

When I was in the convent, my dad hardly ever wrote and never called me on holidays or my birthday, when we could receive calls. He visited once early on with his new wife, a terribly manipulative, vindictive, passively-aggressive woman who made it obvious through her aggression that she did not like us, his children. Her own children (an adult daughter with a child and a teenager daughter) began calling my dad, "Dad" (though they have a father who had primary custody until their mother married my father, so they know their own dad pretty well!) and my dad kept referring to them as "his girls" though he has two daughters: myself and my older sister.

To make a very long story short, this woman completely changed my father. After he starting living with her, things just changed about him and we couldn't approach him the way we used to. We did not like her (although we did not make this known in front of her - we did our best to be polite and kind, believe me!) but my dad was not allowed to see us without her, and he was fine with that. What was an amiable parting with my mother (which was best for us kids, all things considered, since a divorce is pretty horrible for kids to begin with!) became an awkward and even belligerent relationship. He became very angry at the fact that we wanted alone time with him, or that we might have problems with his new wife, and some pretty terrible slanderous lies were spread about our mother and her side of the family. When I left the convent, my dad's wife became very scornful of me and once I was engaged to be married she said, "We aren't helping with this wedding, we helped enough when she was in the convent and was supposedly married to God." (My sister related this to me afterwards.) They even told me after I came home from the convent how much they hated Alabama, and were never in a rush to come see me. My father was twice in Birmingham (where my convent was) for business and leisure and never stopped to say hello. My dad allowed these things to take place. Believe me, he was not some passive bystander. We didn't mean to make him choose between us or his wife, but he certainly made clear which one he would choose.

Anyway, my wedding served to cut us off completely, and we haven't been in contact since, not even after the birth of our son. My younger brother hasn't been in contact for about the same amount of time (even a little longer than me), and my sister has been in spotty contact -- so you could say that all of us are somewhat "estranged" from our father.

My father grew up Catholic but has not practiced any sort of religion for as long as I can remember. I sincerely believe he and his wife would be a bad influence and example to my children (for many reasons I cannot fully expound here), and I sincerely thought for a while that it was best to stay out of contact, for our children's sake. I don't want my children to be exposed to the kind of life they lead.

But then I read about Saints who have reconciled people, and priests who often preach reconciliation with family members, and it makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I have certainly forgiven him for what he has done and the lies he has spread (which were truly crippling; it was difficult to forgive this!) but which is better: keeping a bad influence away from my children, or reconciling and and trying to bring him back into my life?

What would you suggest I do, in the spirit of the Faith?

[Papist]

I believe your first obligation is to protect your children. If you believe exposing your children to your father will be harmful, then that must be considered. You can reach out to your dad without involving your children. I suggest writing him a letter. Be clear and short and don’t ramble. The goal is to open a door, right? Write it. Read it the next day and rewrite it. Ask your husband to read it and to offer suggestions. You could leave an email address in the letter, then later some photos of his grandchildren. I do not suggest a phone call or in person meeting at first. He could be too confrontational or self-protective. If the letter is fruitful, then you could progress to a phone conversation and then possibly a meeting in a public place. And God willing, this will continue to move forward. If/when it came to him meeting your children, I would be very clear to him of what behavior you want and don’t what while around the children. He’ll probably take offense, but better to offend him than cause harm to your children. What I say to my own dad[due to his foul words that would make a sailor blush] is that I understand you don’t value my wishes, but I ask that you respect my wishes. He understands that he doesn’t have to agree with my wishes in order to respect and comply with them.



God bless you and your father. I will be praying for you both.

[Blind]

I by no means am a spiritual leader like some people on here. But I can tell you from my experience, quick rundown... I was adopted and I know my biological parents. My adopted mom was married five times, no kids. My adopted dad married three times with two kids from his first marriage, I am from the second and a step son from the third. My biological mom has never been married but lives with a man and has three kids with three men. My biological dad has two children with his current wife and an adopted son as well. Ok with all that being said I have been put last in most of those relationships even with my adopted mom because she filled her void with husbands. So I speak to them all but my biological dad because well we just really had nothing in common and didn't get along well and agreed that we probably shouldn't get together. But it was a mutual non hatred type separation. My bio mom isn't the best role model. She smokes all the time and her domestic spouse smokes cig's in the house. But she is very family oriented. At one time in my life when I was trying to be with my biological dad I looked down on what she did. Didn't want my kids around he and her side of the family. But when I hit rock bottom and needed someone she was there, like i have always been in her life and she was the mom I needed. If you feel a strong pull to contact him them call him. You approach it first then if you still feel that you all need to get together then arrange it. Arrange it with all your siblings a family reunion or gathering. My bio mom's family does it every year and no matter what people are going through or where they are in life everyone comes and is a family and its great. So that's my advice, contact him ask him how he is and invite him to a family dinner or cookout and pray that God softens his heart so you can be a family once again. It sounds like you want him in your life, but it may not be easy at first so be like a duck in the rain and let the negative responses roll off and keep at it.

[Cherie]

[quote name='Blind' timestamp='1300889068' post='2222641']
It sounds like you want him in your life
[/quote]

That's just it, though: I don't! The only reason why I'm reconsidering our current situation is because I honestly want to become a Saint, and I don't want anything like this to come in the way of bringing my family to Heaven and my own striving to become holy.

I did speak to a very wise, holy, elderly priest I know, and he agreed that the current situation was best. Why do I question it now, then? I'm not sure; maybe I didn't explain the situation well enough? Maybe I'm wrong about something, or maybe I missed something when I was telling him the story? I have no concrete reason to believe that, it's just my typical second-guessing myself, I guess. This priest is literally a Saint, so I don't want to (or mean to!) question his advice. Perhaps I'll speak to him again on the subject.

I appreciate your replies - thank you!

[MissScripture]

[quote name='Papist' timestamp='1300887941' post='2222638']
I believe your first obligation is to protect your children. If you believe exposing your children to your father will be harmful, then that must be considered. You can reach out to your dad without involving your children. I suggest writing him a letter. Be clear and short and don’t ramble. The goal is to open a door, right? Write it. Read it the next day and rewrite it. Ask your husband to read it and to offer suggestions. You could leave an email address in the letter, then later some photos of his grandchildren. I do not suggest a phone call or in person meeting at first. He could be too confrontational or self-protective. If the letter is fruitful, then you could progress to a phone conversation and then possibly a meeting in a public place. And God willing, this will continue to move forward. If/when it came to him meeting your children, I would be very clear to him of what behavior you want and don’t what while around the children. He’ll probably take offense, but better to offend him than cause harm to your children. What I say to my own dad[due to his foul words that would make a sailor blush] is that I understand you don’t value my wishes, but I ask that you respect my wishes. He understands that he doesn’t have to agree with my wishes in order to respect and comply with them.



God bless you and your father. I will be praying for you both.
[/quote]
I agree with the above.
The first obligation is to the children. And regardless of if you think you should reconcile, reconciling takes two, and if your father doesn't want to be a part of that, you can't do too much about it, except pray.

[Lil Red]

[quote name='CherieMadame' timestamp='1300891100' post='2222652']
That's just it, though: I don't! The only reason why I'm reconsidering our current situation is because I honestly want to become a Saint, and I don't want anything like this to come in the way of bringing my family to Heaven and my own striving to become holy.

I did speak to a very wise, holy, elderly priest I know, and he agreed that the current situation was best. Why do I question it now, then? I'm not sure; maybe I didn't explain the situation well enough? Maybe I'm wrong about something, or maybe I missed something when I was telling him the story? I have no concrete reason to believe that, it's just my typical second-guessing myself, I guess. This priest is literally a Saint, so I don't want to (or mean to!) question his advice. Perhaps I'll speak to him again on the subject.

I appreciate your replies - thank you!
[/quote]
if you believe that the priest you spoke to is a holy and saintly priest - trust his advice and don't be scrupulous. Scrupulousity can ruin your spiritual life, especially over something like this.

[Lilllabettt]

I understand. I do. I have an estranged family member, and when I reached out to that person, it ended up making things worse. I realized that my effort to make a "visible" reconciliation between us was more about my need for a soothed conscience than it was about God's will for the situation.

It is hard. For me, I have a guilty conscience about how the estrangement happened; it was partly my fault. But I have to give it to God. And I see where it can be a blessing to have something so hard to give to God, when I really want to get in there and "fix it" myself, now, in this life, visibly. Its a blessing because if I succeed in sacrificing that desire to God's will, and giving that hard thing to God, then that will help make me a Saint for sure. And maybe my example will lead others to Heaven too.

What I would do is continue praying and sacrificing for your Dad, and in your heart ask God to bring about a visible reconciliation but only if it is His will. Sometimes it is not His will. Sometimes He wants us to trust Him to make it happen on a spiritual level, which is the level that counts, and offer up our "power" to make it happen on a visible level.

[CatherineM]

One of my favorite priests once told me that the whole, "honor your father and mother" thing assumes that your parents are honor-able, as in worthy of your honor. I have had to cut off communication with my mother a couple of times in my life. It wasn't easy, and I understand that feeling that your can't be a good person if you don't have a good relationship with your parents. If your father had been physically or sexually abusive, you wouldn't have a question in your mind. People who are mentally or spiritually or emotionally abusive can do just as much damage. You're first job is to protect your kids. If it makes you feel any better, I did a lot of divorce mediations, and what you are describing is fairly common when dealing with new wives.

[OnlySunshine]

I really think you are doing the right thing here. Your first priority is your children and they shouldn't have to be exposed to a rocky relationship. Sometimes, it's best to just break ties because of the damage the people can do in our lives. The most important thing is that you have forgiven him, but it's good that you're moving on. I do agree that his wife sounds very selfish and hateful. Just because you forgive doesn't mean you should forget. Like Jesus said in His parable, you should cut off the limb that is bad instead of the whole body going into the flames. I would pray for him and his new family, that they would have a conversion of heart. If, and only if, you truly see change in them should you consider a relationship with them again. But for now, look after yourself and your family. That's the best thing you can do for the current situation. Prayers.

[TradMom]

+Praised be Jesus Christ!

You have received excellent advice, so I am not sure I can add much except to assure you of my prayers for your situation. I know this must be very painful and I am sorry you are experiencing this. I do believe what others have expressed is good common sense - as a parent, now, you do have a very serious responsibility to keep your children safe, and only you can determine what that means. Your desire for sainthood and reconciliation is no doubt a great joy to our Lord!

Pax,

TradMom

[Cherie]

Thank you so much, everyone. I cannot express to you how much it means that you have replied. I appreciate everyone's comments dearly.

Be assured of my prayers in gratitude. God bless you!!!

[BG45]

I can't really offer any good advice, but I have to agree with what others have said. Your first duty is to protect your kids; as someone who wonders about the day when he has children, and how much contact I'll let them have with my own father...this point rings clearest to me. That's not to discourage some form of reconciliation. If you want to go about it, I'd start small with letters and such as Papist suggested; but if things turn out to be past where it can be reconciled you should probably be ready to accept it and move on, as painful as that is. A priest on the Retreat I went on last weekend gave some great advice about reconciling with people, "Forgiveness is easy, and you can try your hardest to reconcile with someone who wronged you or was wronged by you, but it takes two people wanting that reconciliation for it to happen."

Sorry, I realize I'm not the most eloquent or positive person in this thread. I'll be praying for you both though!

[Ed Normile]

Cherie, forgive your father and hold no ill will against him in your heart and you will be free. You can not make him want to be part of your or your childrens life, if he chooses not to be involved that is his loss. Be open if he has a change in heart later in life, many times as people age they see the error in their ways, if not be thankful for his space.

God bless your family.

ed