In Desperate Need Of Enlightenment.

[Blind]

My first post I think was in the wrong section and wish I would have saved what I wrote cause it was more how I felt last night in the moment. I am struggling and crying out for help. I say I pray about it but don't know if I pray right. I say that I want to walk with God but think about cheating daily and sometimes watch porn. I say that I want to study the word but hide my bible so people would think I am reading it. I say that I will never do it again, whatever it is, but discuss or try it five minutes later. I am confused on what my calling is but i know God has a serious mission for me. I just don't know how to receive my orders. I messed up many times in my 39 years of existence. But my silver tongue has always saved me. Well almost always, see I am in trouble and like all humans when the pile gets deep we turn to religion. I have always believed in God but honestly haven't feared him 100%. I have asked for guidance along the way in my life and God as steered me in the right direction but didn't always listen. God has blessed me with a great wife and amesome kids, but it was never enough. I have many questions and would am glad I found this site to start quenching my thirst for knowledge. I am scared but yet calm and my arrogance and ignorance is my downfall. I do want to save my soul but even more want to be a good role model for my kids. Please if this is not the place to post this direct me where to go.

[Chamomile]

I don't know what I can offer you in terms of advice, but I will definitely pray for you!

Are you Catholic? If so, go to Confession and receive Holy Communion often - these are the greatest aids to holiness. If you're not Catholic, I wonder if you're interested in converting since you've posted on this site. Finding a priest to talk to about that and your desire to grow closer to God would be helpful in that situation.

It definitely sounds like you're sincerely searching for God. Your search reminds me of this quote that always brings me peace:


[quote]
"If anyone is seeking God, know that the Beloved is seeking that person much more."

~ St. John of the Cross[/quote]



So take time to be still so God can find you We (I'm projecting myself in the plural!) often run around, physically and spiritually, trying to find God without realizing He is much nearer than we imagine...

[Chamomile]

One more thing - your screen name reminds me of the Gospel reading we had in Mass yesterday. Here it is:


[font="Georgia,"][/font][quote]
[font="Georgia,"]As Jesus was leaving Jericho with his disciples and a sizable crowd,
Bartimaeus, a blind man, the son of Timaeus,
sat by the roadside begging.
On hearing that it was Jesus of Nazareth,
he began to cry out and say,
"Jesus, son of David, have pity on me."
And many rebuked him, telling him to be silent.
But he kept calling out all the more, "Son of David, have pity on me."
Jesus stopped and said, "Call him."
So they called the blind man, saying to him,
"Take courage; get up, Jesus is calling you."
He threw aside his cloak, sprang up, and came to Jesus.
Jesus said to him in reply, "What do you want me to do for you?"
The blind man replied to him, "Master, I want to see."
Jesus told him, 'Go your way; your faith has saved you."
Immediately he received his sight
and followed him on the way.[/font]
[font="Georgia,"]
[/font]
[font="Georgia,"]~ Mark 10:46-52[/font][/quote]
[font="Georgia,"][/font]
[font="Georgia,"]
[/font]

And [url="http://hancaquam.blogspot.com/2011/03/hey-i-think-hes-call-you.html"]this is a great blog post[/url] that talks about that reading.

Peace & God bless!

[tnavarro61]

Blind, the first thing that i would suggest is that you pray. Tell God everything, He listens to you. Don't lose hope, have faith! If you want to advance in spiritual life, pray!

Prayers for you too.

[Archaeology cat]

I'll pray for you. We all end up falling at times and giving in. I'm often reminded of St Paul's words about doing the very things he [b]doesn't[/b] want to do, and vice versa (Romans 7). And thankfully we don't have to go it alone. God gives great grace through the Sacraments. May God bless you.

[Brother Adam]

[quote name='Blind' timestamp='1299242720' post='2217801']
My first post I think was in the wrong section and wish I would have saved what I wrote cause it was more how I felt last night in the moment. I am struggling and crying out for help. I say I pray about it but don't know if I pray right. I say that I want to walk with God but think about cheating daily and sometimes watch porn. I say that I want to study the word but hide my bible so people would think I am reading it. I say that I will never do it again, whatever it is, but discuss or try it five minutes later. I am confused on what my calling is but i know God has a serious mission for me. I just don't know how to receive my orders. I messed up many times in my 39 years of existence. But my silver tongue has always saved me. Well almost always, see I am in trouble and like all humans when the pile gets deep we turn to religion. I have always believed in God but honestly haven't feared him 100%. I have asked for guidance along the way in my life and God as steered me in the right direction but didn't always listen. God has blessed me with a great wife and amesome kids, but it was never enough. I have many questions and would am glad I found this site to start quenching my thirst for knowledge. I am scared but yet calm and my arrogance and ignorance is my downfall. I do want to save my soul but even more want to be a good role model for my kids. Please if this is not the place to post this direct me where to go.
[/quote]

Concupiscence, that we would rather keep sinning than believe in God and trust him with our life, is the struggle all Christians have. You are not alone. St. Paul spoke about it in the Bible:

[i]And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing.[/i]

St. Augustine too knew the life of sin well. He followed the life of pleasure for a long time, and rejected God. Eventually he realized that he was only fooling himself and destroying his own life. He realized that "Our hearts are restless until they rest in you, O God." If there was ever a saint for guys today, its Saint Augustine. I don't know if you are up for reading much, but you will relate well to his Confessions.

Regarding your occasional porn use, if it is a habit, a compulsive behavior, you are going to need help escaping it. You need to tell your wife and ask her to help you get a fiddler on the computer. If she doesn't know about it, it might devastate her, I do not know your particular situation. At the same time, hopefully she will see that you desire help escaping the habit and your open communication can help you take the next steps to heal. Without having any more details it will be hard for us to offer any good advice, except of course, you know you need to stop. Whatever means you have available use them. Talk to a trusted priest, consider Christian counseling, consider SA, go to confession, sit in Adoration. Even if you are not Catholic you can go to Mass. Even though you would not be able to receive Communion there is a great spiritual benefit to being before the Lord. The same goes for Eucharistic Adoration if you have a chapel near you. Just talk to your local priest or if your diocese has a Catholic Information Center if you would like help finding one. You will never regret time spent with God.

We are seeing more and more men for whom porn ends up a gateway drug - the effects no longer last and you need to commit more depraved acts to find the same high. I have talked to a number of truly good guys - great dads, loving husbands, hard working Christians and non-Christians who are losing everything because their porn habit is escalating into strip clubs, prostitutes, and affairs. I am sincerely worried that you think about cheating every day. I can't say for sure, but I have a feeling you aren't communicating with your wife as well as you should be. You have a responsibility to her and to your kids to cut all of these evil things out of your life - it is about being a man.

And about being a man - I tell a lot of guys who use porn - now is not the time for self pity - its time to go to bat, fight the fight, and win the war. There is an arsenal out there and available to you rooted in the strength of God. You just have to know how to equip it. God says "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." You can break your habits and grow in the Lord. Surrendering yourself to God is not a sign of weakness but of strength. If you are in a real war it isn't a sign of courage to run out into a field out of cover in a fire fight for no reason - its a sign of stupidity. You need the strength of God's army to win the battle. And if your heart is truly ready to win it, you'll get there.

Feel free to contact me any time. I have been there. I "got the T-shirt", and I know what you are going through.

[Blind]

Thank you all for your prays and words of wisdom. Let me say that I have been baptized and my marriage was in the Catholic Church. What I am going through is a long story drawn out story. I have committed a crime, white collar, but a crime non the less. A felony actually a few... In short I have committed a crime and others were/are involved who are blaming it all on me. Now the police are looking to question me but I have no warrants issued so I am theoretically not running but I am. The porn and thoughts of cheating are because we are separated and yes I do crave company. But I know this is a time for me to better my relationship with God. I was doing good no porn, no self gratification but then I visited my wife after a few weeks of being apart and we were together all weekend, as a family. Its ironic how when your there you want to be elsewhere sometimes but when you can;t be there your lost with out them. So yes I am going through a huge struggle and pray daily. I need to find a church but am not that familiar with the area yet, thats an excuse I would just rather play xbox and laze around all day then be motivated. I know its Gods grace and mercy that allows me to be ok. But I have so many issues where do I start. I mean I don't want to live like this and I want to be with my family.

When I pray alone for forgiveness am I forgiven?
Is God sick of hearing if you help me this time I promise I wont do it again?
Can it be too late for my harden heart?
Ever since I can remember I have though God wants me to to something great after I am 40. Well that's next year, how will I know?
When I pray and want to have a conversation with God it feels like I get ADD or something and start rambling all over the place like a fool. Is there a certain way to pray?
Why is it that some people feel thrown to the floor begging for forgiveness but I cant even get as much as a tingle when I pray?
I sometimes feel like I am looking at myself and thinking that I am mocking God and religion by asking for such dumb things as being with my family after what I have done. Does God get upset when we put our family first? I mean do I love God yes but I dont think its more then my wife.
God knows and sees all so when I beg for his will to be done through me and his strength to not think of other women why do I find my self turning porn on not 5 minutes later?

I could go on and on. I have always wondered and been fascinated with religion but I find as soon as I want to be a scholar and study religion very hard something not so hard and mucj more fun comes up. I feel my calling is being a priest or guide to God but I feel like I need to repave the road before I take new cars down it. I don't know what I should do, its so difficult to live a life fully trusting that it will be ok, and with hard work and prayer we all will be ok. What I need is a priest who can see through my words and help the inner me... its hard to think I can do it alone with prayer.

[Groo the Wanderer]

[quote name='Blind' timestamp='1299272886' post='2217975']

When I pray alone for forgiveness am I forgiven?
Is God sick of hearing if you help me this time I promise I wont do it again?
Can it be too late for my harden heart?
Ever since I can remember I have though God wants me to to something great after I am 40. Well that's next year, how will I know?
When I pray and want to have a conversation with God it feels like I get ADD or something and start rambling all over the place like a fool. Is there a certain way to pray?
Why is it that some people feel thrown to the floor begging for forgiveness but I cant even get as much as a tingle when I pray?
I sometimes feel like I am looking at myself and thinking that I am mocking God and religion by asking for such dumb things as being with my family after what I have done. Does God get upset when we put our family first? I mean do I love God yes but I dont think its more then my wife.
God knows and sees all so when I beg for his will to be done through me and his strength to not think of other women why do I find my self turning porn on not 5 minutes later?


[/quote]
1. your sins were already forgiven, those you have committed and those you have yet to commit. conversion is about accepting that forgiveness and resolving to avoid sin in the future. you will fall again, but you have to pick yourself up and keep going. always remember that even when we turn our backs on Christ, He never turns His on us. He is always right behind us, waiting patiently for us to just turn around and drop to our knees so that He can take us up again into His arms.
2. never - the Bible is very clear about this - there is more rejoicing in Heaven over one repentant sinner than over 100 who have never sinned
3. yes - it is too late after you are dead. seriously - up to the moment of death you can always repent
4. prayer and discernment. fasting helps
5. no. many prayer forms and types. best is to just sit in from of the Eucharist and be quiet. let Him talk to you
6. prayer aint an emotion, just let it work in you how God wants it to work
7. 1st commandment. as you grow in prayer and your faith, you will learn to love God above all things
8. addiction is real. has a physiological componenet as well. check this out. www.purityispossible.com

also check out x3watch.com ffor free accountability software for your computers and iphone

[Blind]

[quote name='Brother Adam' timestamp='1299256086' post='2217879']
Concupiscence, that we would rather keep sinning than believe in God and trust him with our life, is the struggle all Christians have. You are not alone. St. Paul spoke about it in the Bible:

And about being a man - I tell a lot of guys who use porn - now is not the time for self pity - its time to go to bat, fight the fight, and win the war. There is an arsenal out there and available to you rooted in the strength of God. You just have to know how to equip it. God says "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." You can break your habits and grow in the Lord. Surrendering yourself to God is not a sign of weakness but of strength. If you are in a real war it isn't a sign of courage to run out into a field out of cover in a fire fight for no reason - its a sign of stupidity. You need the strength of God's army to win the battle. And if your heart is truly ready to win it, you'll get there.

Feel free to contact me any time. I have been there. I "got the T-shirt", and I know what you are going through.
[/quote]

First off Concupiscence con·cu·pis·cence (k n-ky p -s ns). n. A strong desire, especially sexual desire; lust. in case anyone doesn't know what it means like me...lol.

And about manning up as your telling me to do, I am making a stand now to not do it. I am pretty weak all and all but my weakness is an excuse to just go back to doing what i like. Today I am planning on going to confession and mass. I have to go by my buddies to grab the rest of my stuff because I have changed locations and only have a portion of my clothes. I feel like I should dress half way decent.

Now for my Question: I have been to non denominational churches that are strongly influenced by music. Is there like a new age Catholic chuch? I mean the local radio station plays like death metal and its a Catholic station. This is a hip-hop Catholic site if I am correct, what type of churches do you guys go to and where are you located. Maybe I am near someone.

Lastly are blogs bad? I thought about starting a blog because I want to write a book about what I have been through and how God has always been there for me. Tell people my story, hope it can change them before they go to far. I thought a blog would be a good place to do this. But is it or could it be seen as I think my story is so important. More so then others. God does tell us to witness to others, would this count?

[Blind]

Well confession went great and so was Mass. Thanks guys for helping me get going. I got so motivated to tell the world my story that I started a blog called [url="http://blindswalk.blogspot.com/"]Blindswalk [/url]
check it out and let me know what you think.

[4588686]

[i]
What I am going through is a long story drawn out story. I have committed a crime, white collar, but a crime non the less. A felony actually a few... In short I have committed a crime and others were/are involved who are blaming it all on me. Now the police are looking to question me but I have no warrants issued so [b]I am theoretically not running but I am. [/b]

Well no my world has imploded. I didn't kill anyone or sell crack to babies or sell drugs period but I did break the law.[b] So bad that there are threats of over 20 felonies and life imprisonment.[/b]
[/i]

[quote name='Blind' timestamp='1299366980' post='2218378']
Well confession went great and so was Mass. Thanks guys for helping me get going. I got so motivated to tell the world my story that I started a blog called [url="http://blindswalk.blogspot.com/"]Blindswalk [/url]
check it out and let me know what you think.
[/quote]



That is an interesting blog, my friend. What I find most interesting about it is how much a man supposedly on the run from felony charges that add up to life imprisonment seems to enjoy talking about his plight in incriminating ways. I also find it interesting how much free time you have as a man on the run. A wife, kids, and the prospect of life imprisonment yet you have plenty of time to start a blog about your extraordinary day long journey from condemnation to repentance. Maybe you should hold off on the memoirs until after you've undone whatever 'white-collar' damage you've caused (I assume substantial if it merits a life's worth of jail time) and found out if your kids are going to grow up with a father who's in their life or a father who they get to visit one weekend a month.

I could be wrong but your story smells like what you get from a bull a few hours after its had a full meal. Based off of your posts you strike me as somebody who likes drama and attention. You also strike me as an individual not to be trusted.

Edited March 6, 2011 by Hasan

[emilier98]

Blind: Everyone else has said it, go to mass, take holy communion, go to confession and pray. My only addendum would be when you feel the urge to watch porn or do the other behavior(s) instead of participating in those behaviors pray the rosary, read the bible, write in a journal or call someone who knows what's going on and talk. I know with my issues that doing one of those things has helped me to stop cutting. If you ever need help please message me or [color="#595959"][font="arial, verdana, sans-serif"][size="2"]Please email [/size][/font][/color][color="#595959"][font="arial, verdana, sans-serif"][size="2"][b][email=emilier98@gmail.com][/b]me
[b][/email][/b][/size][/font][/color]
[quote name='Chamomile' timestamp='1299248036' post='2217825']
One more thing - your screen name reminds me of the Gospel reading we had in Mass yesterday. Here it is:


[font="Georgia,"][/font]
[font="Georgia,"][/font]
[font="Georgia,"]
[/font]

And [url="http://hancaquam.blogspot.com/2011/03/hey-i-think-hes-call-you.html"]this is a great blog post[/url] that talks about that reading.

Peace & God bless!
[/quote]

The blog you linked happens to be the blog of my favorite priest ever. I found that a little interesting.

[Chamomile]

[quote name='Hasan' timestamp='1299372694' post='2218407']
That is an interesting blog, my friend. What I find most interesting about it is how much a man supposedly on the run from felony charges that add up to life imprisonment seems to enjoy talking about his plight in incriminating ways. I also find it interesting how much free time you have as a man on the run. A wife, kids, and the prospect of life imprisonment yet you have plenty of time to start a blog about your extraordinary day long journey from condemnation to repentance. Maybe you should hold off on the memoirs until after you've undone whatever 'white-collar' damage you've caused (I assume substantial if it merits a life's worth of jail time) and found out if your kids are going to grow up with a father who's in their life or a father who they get to visit one weekend a month.

I could be wrong but your story smells like what you get from a bull a few hours after its had a full meal. Based off of your posts you strike me as somebody who likes drama and attention. You also strike me as an individual not to be trusted.
[/quote]


It doesn't really take long to start a blog...

I do hope and pray that Blind's legal problems are not as dire as he describes

And whether or not Blind likes drama and attention is besides the point (I'd say most people, including a good number on this phorum, do, and have no right to really call out another for that). He's asking for help because he knows he needs it. God often meets us most intimately in our weakest moments, so I think anyone calling out for help should be shown great mercy and love, as Jesus did to all that came to Him in humility and repentance.

[Lisa]

[quote name='Blind' timestamp='1299329068' post='2218207']
First off Concupiscence con·cu·pis·cence (k n-ky p -s ns). n. A strong desire, especially sexual desire; lust. in case anyone doesn't know what it means like me...lol.

And about manning up as your telling me to do, I am making a stand now to not do it. I am pretty weak all and all but my weakness is an excuse to just go back to doing what i like. Today I am planning on going to confession and mass. I have to go by my buddies to grab the rest of my stuff because I have changed locations and only have a portion of my clothes. I feel like I should dress half way decent.

Now for my Question: I have been to non denominational churches that are strongly influenced by music. Is there like a new age Catholic chuch? I mean the local radio station plays like death metal and its a Catholic station. This is a hip-hop Catholic site if I am correct, what type of churches do you guys go to and where are you located. Maybe I am near someone.

Lastly are blogs bad? I thought about starting a blog because I want to write a book about what I have been through and how God has always been there for me. Tell people my story, hope it can change them before they go to far. I thought a blog would be a good place to do this. But is it or could it be seen as I think my story is so important. More so then others. God does tell us to witness to others, would this count?

[/quote]

Conspicuence generally means the tendency to sin- which, like what was mentioned above, is something we all are tempted to do.

As for your question- There are Catholic Churches that have more contemporary music, but it is the same Catholic Church. Others have strictly hymns. There is also the Traditional Latin Mass. But no matter what, the Church is universal.

Don't be afraid to reach out in your community.
Blogs aren't bad- in fact, there are many blogs that have led people to a deeper prayer life and conversion.

[Blind]

[quote name='Hasan' timestamp='1299372694' post='2218407']
[i]
What I am going through is a long story drawn out story. I have committed a crime, white collar, but a crime non the less. A felony actually a few... In short I have committed a crime and others were/are involved who are blaming it all on me. Now the police are looking to question me but I have no warrants issued so [b]I am theoretically not running but I am. [/b]

Well no my world has imploded. I didn't kill anyone or sell crack to babies or sell drugs period but I did break the law.[b] So bad that there are threats of over 20 felonies and life imprisonment.[/b]
[/i]





That is an interesting blog, my friend. What I find most interesting about it is how much a man supposedly on the run from felony charges that add up to life imprisonment seems to enjoy talking about his plight in incriminating ways. I also find it interesting how much free time you have as a man on the run. A wife, kids, and the prospect of life imprisonment yet you have plenty of time to start a blog about your extraordinary day long journey from condemnation to repentance. Maybe you should hold off on the memoirs until after you've undone whatever 'white-collar' damage you've caused (I assume substantial if it merits a life's worth of jail time) and found out if your kids are going to grow up with a father who's in their life or a father who they get to visit one weekend a month.

I could be wrong but your story smells like what you get from a bull a few hours after its had a full meal. Based off of your posts you strike me as somebody who likes drama and attention. You also strike me as an individual not to be trusted.
[/quote]

Well I missed this post yesterday. Well you can view my life however you want. I used to be a person who enjoyed drama and liked to here myself talk. I was a fool of all the definitions of the word. To answer your comment about how do I have time, I have nothing but time. I sit around all day waiting to see whats going to happen. I am just laying low for now. You asked how I have time, I have nothing but time.

Lisa - thanks for your response. I have found my blog a way to myself whats going on. Almost a reminder of my goal. I feel like i am telling myself my current thought like a journal. So I can go back to review.