Catholic Jokes

[MargaretTeresa]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macey's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.""What type of bra?" asked the clerk."Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?""Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras." Confused, the man asked what were the types.The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

[Lil'Monster]

[quote name='MargaretTeresa' timestamp='1301935729' post='2225880']
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macey's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.""What type of bra?" asked the clerk."Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?""Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras." Confused, the man asked what were the types.The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
[/quote]

[Lisa]

Heard this one from a Little Sister of the Poor

A sports reporter went to the office of the head coach for the Indianapolis Colts. After the interview, he noticed a red phone on the corner of the desk. Curious, he asked what it was for.

"It's a phone to talk to God," said the coach. "But we only use it when absolutely necessary. It's pretty expensive to make the call, it costs about $100 per minute."

At his next interview, with the coach of the Indiana Pacers, he sees another red phone, also on the corner of the desk. Wondering if it was the same thing, he asked about it.

"It's a special line to call God," said the Pacers' coach. "But we only use it in dire emergencies. It's awful pricey to call God- something like $200 a minute."

A few days later, the sports reporter was put on an assignment to fill in for another journalist. He was supposed to visit the Little Sisters of the Poor's Saint Augustine Home. He meets with the Superior, a short little Sister in a all-white habit. On the middle of her desk is a red phone. He wondered how much it would cost from here.

"Only 25 cents", the Sister responded.
"But how can this be? It cost hundreds of dollars to call God for the Pacers and the Colts," questioned the reporter.

The sister smiled and said, "Here, it's a local call."

[MargaretTeresa]

Love it!!!!

Hahaha

[Lil'Monster]

LOL hahaha

[MargaretTeresa]

[font=Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.

[/font]

[Lil'Monster]

hahaha lol

[Luigi]

Q: What's the difference between a liturgist and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist!

[AudreyGrace]

[quote name='MargaretTeresa' timestamp='1301935729' post='2225880']
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macey's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.""What type of bra?" asked the clerk."Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?""Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras." Confused, the man asked what were the types.The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
[/quote]

ROTFLLL hahahahahahahahahhaaha WOW.

[MargaretTeresa]

I fell off my bed I was laughing so hard after I read that!

[MargaretTeresa]

[font=arial, helvetica, tahoma, verdana, geneva, lucida,]Jesus and Moses are playing golf one day.

As the approach a major water hazard Moses lays up short but Jesus decides to try to shoot it over. He tells Moses "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it"

Splunk. Middle of the hazard.

Jesus then parts the hazard and Moses goes and gets the ball.

Four holes later, same situation. Again "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it" and again plunk and the water parts and Moses goes to get the ball.

3 later, again. This time after splunking the ball in the middle Jesus tells Moses to rest and walks out on the water to get the ball.

About this time, the group behind catches up and one golfer says to Moses "Who does he think he is, Jesus?"

To which Moses replies:

"No, He thinks He's Arnold Palmer"[/font]

[MargaretTeresa]

[font=arial, helvetica, tahoma, verdana, geneva, lucida,]Religious definitions:
Islam: what the well adjusted man of the 6th century needs to know.
Orthodoxy: what the well adjusted man of the 10th century needs to know.
Catholicism: what the well adjusted man of the 12th century needs to know
Anglicanism: what the well adjusted man of the 1500's needs to know.
Protestantism:what the self-actualised man of the time after the 1500's thinks they need to know.
Anglicanism: Catholicism light.
Protestatism: spiritual cafeteria where you only get the diet plate.[/font]

[MargaretTeresa]

[font=arial, helvetica, tahoma, verdana, geneva, lucida,]Religious definitions:
Islam: what the well adjusted man of the 6th century needs to know.
Orthodoxy: what the well adjusted man of the 10th century needs to know.
Catholicism: what the well adjusted man of the 12th century needs to know
Anglicanism: what the well adjusted man of the 1500's needs to know.
Protestantism:what the self-actualised man of the time after the 1500's thinks they need to know.
Anglicanism: Catholicism light.
Protestatism: spiritual cafeteria where you only get the diet plate.[/font]

[Lil Red]

[quote name='Lisa' timestamp='1301843708' post='2225595']
A young nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."
[/quote]
i lol'd