NunMother Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 [b]5 NUNS IN A BAR [/b] Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink. Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door. They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw (SCROLL DOWN) [img]http://www.piffe.com/funimages/5nuns.jpg[/img] [center][b]GIVE US A SENSE OF HUMOR, LORD, [/b] GIVE US THE GRACE TO SEE A JOKE, TO GET SOME HUMOR OUT OF LIFE, [b] AND PASS IT ON TO OTHER FOLK [/b][/center] [center] [/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinytherese Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Nun Mother that was phenomenal. Wow, here I am taking a break from writing a paper on the Jesuit martyr St. Isaac Jogues and read a bunch of Jesuit jokes. Something about this doesn't feel right. Oh well now for something completely different. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4oKXagF3IE Oh and who could forget... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uprjmoSMJ-o&feature=related Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Nobody expects the spanish inquistion! Another nun joke: A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.” The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, “No money in the bank.” The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?” He said, “Just a spinster sister, who is a nun.” The nun, slightly perturbed, said, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.” The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinytherese Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starets Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Did you hear about the egg in the monastery? Sad story. Out of the frying pan and into the friar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starets Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 There are three things that God does not know. What the Dominicans are thinking, what the Jesuits are up to and how many kinds of Franciscans there are Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starets Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 We had a break-in in our monastery recently. As the robber entered the Guest Lobby, he heard a voice saying "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Jesus is watching you." He shined his flashlight around and didnt see anything. So he continued. As he entered the REfectory, he heard a voice say "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Jesus is watching you!" He shined his flashlight around and saw a parrot. The robber said "did you say that?" The parrot said "yes I did!" The robber said "well, what is your name?" The parrot said "my name is Moses". The robber said "[font="Arial Black"]What kind of a moron names a parrot Moses?"[/font][font="Arial"] And the Parrot says "[/font][font="Book Antiqua"]Same kind of moron that names a Rottweiler Jesus![/font][font="Arial"]"[/font] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vee Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out. The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat. The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers. The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God's gift of darkness. The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge. The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing. The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed Normile Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Catholic jokes, lets see, Nancy Pelosi, and JFK, two of the biggest catholic jokes I know. ed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigJon16 Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 [quote name='Staretz' timestamp='1299030551' post='2216974'] There are three things that God does not know. What the Dominicans are thinking, what the Jesuits are up to and how many kinds of Franciscans there are [/quote] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! !!!! This one is my favorite! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nihil Obstat Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 [quote name='Ed Normile' timestamp='1299041223' post='2217038'] Catholic jokes, lets see, Nancy Pelosi, and JFK, two of the biggest catholic jokes I know. ed [/quote] [img]http://i682.photobucket.com/albums/vv189/Nihil_Obstat/539d9f24c861__1279483230000.jpg[/img] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luigi Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) I used to sort dirty laundry in a hospital run by Sisters of Mercy. The boss was kind of a slug, and he told the same joke every afternoon, at about 2:30, changing only the name: "I was talking to Sr. Mary XXXXX this morning - I asked her if she had any dirt habits!" We all laughed dutifully, as one must when the slug boss tells a joke. Edited March 2, 2011 by Luigi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not A Mallard Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God....!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Catholic now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Catholic?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw.....brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Bless us, o Lord, and these, thy gifts..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 (edited) [quote name='Not A Mallard' timestamp='1299102620' post='2217260'] And then the bear dropped his right paw.....brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Bless us, o Lord, and these, thy gifts..." [/quote] Made my day! Thanks for sharing!!!! [font="Arial"]JESUS VS SATAN Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God [the Father] was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."[/font] Edited March 3, 2011 by Lisa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AudreyGrace Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 [quote name='BigJon16' timestamp='1299041369' post='2217040'] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! !!!! This one is my favorite! [/quote] agreed. i might have to steal it as a fb status... yup.[quote name='vee8' timestamp='1299031240' post='2216981'] During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out. The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat. The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers. The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God's gift of darkness. The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge. The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing. The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse. [/quote] I like this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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