Catholic Jokes

[Lisa]

Post your best Catholic jokes!

I'll start with a classic nun joke:

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns. The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55." The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!" The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful." At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible." The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."

[Lil'Monster]

hahahha thats funny! ds would do something like that!

[Luigi]

A guy goes to confession for the first time in a LLOOOONNNNNGGGGG time. He's nervous, but he takes a deep breath, makes the sign of the cross, and goes into the confessional.

Imagine his surprise to find a cushioned seat instead of a hard kneeler, a couple of really good cigars with a lighter & ashtray, and a full bar stocked with name brand liquors. Just as he's thinking to himself, "My, oh my, how things have changed in the meantime!" he hears the priest's voice say, "Who's is that and what are you doing in there?" He's says, "It's Mike, Father, and I'm going to confession."



The priest says, "Well, come out of there and get in this part of the confessional - right now, you're on MY side!"

[Nihil Obstat]

One cold winter's day in Bethlehem, just after he had been born, Jesus is lying asleep in the manger. Awaking from his nap, he opens his eyes, sees the ox and the a[b][/b]ss standing beside him, and thinks to himself, "So this is the Company of Jesus!"

Edited February 28, 2011 by Nihil Obstat

[Nihil Obstat]

One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"





A man walked up to a Franciscan and a Jesuit and asked, "How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?"
The Franciscan asked, "What's a Mercedes Benz?" The Jesuit asked, "What's a novena?"






When their ship sank a Benedictine, a Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit were crowded into a small lifeboat. It had a small leak and was in ever greater danger of sinking. Unfortunately, the boat was also surrounded by sharks.

So the Dominican, confident in the preaching prowess of his order, stood on the prow and begin to preach to the sharks about Christian charity and the virtues of vegetarianism; but his sermon was cut short by a leaping shark who consumed him in one gulp.

Then the Benedictine stood on the prow and began to charm the sharks with a stupendous rendition of the Exsultet, but just when he got to the part about the mother bee (mater apis) another shark dispatched him with a single gulp.

Shortly thereafter the Franciscan, climbing onto the prow, began to pray, "Blessed are you, Lord my God, for brother shark,..." when one of the sister sharks cut him off in mid-benediction.

Soon the lifeboat sank, leaving the Jesuit in the water with the sharks. But instead of eating him, several sharks towed him to shore and cast him up on the dry land. Stunned, he turned to ask them why they had not devoured him. They replied, "Professional courtesy!"






A Capuchin dies and goes to heaven, humbly knocks on the door, and is let in without any fanfare. One day, a long time later, he notices lots of commotion. Flowers are arranged, all the candles are lit, and a red carpet is rolled out. He asks an angel what's going on, and is told that they are preparing to welcome a Jesuit into heaven. Perplexed, he asks St. Peter, "I always thought there would be justice and equality in heaven, with no one receiving preferential treatment. Why are you going to such great lengths to welcome a Jesuit, whereas you hardly took any notice of me when I arrived?" St. Peter tells him in reply, "Don't you see? Another Capuchin enters heaven almost every week, but you can't imagine how long it's been since we welcomed the last Jesuit up here!"






As you can see, I like Jesuit jokes.

[Nihil Obstat]

Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father"

Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."

The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."

Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin"

Man replies "Who is that?"

Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You're blocking traffic!"

[Nihil Obstat]

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution.

They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house.

"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working.

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"

Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself, "One of the poor girls musta died...."

[Nihil Obstat]

Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession.

He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic."

The priest said, "But that's not a sin! I wouldn't feel bad about that if I were you!"

"But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed."

The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn't the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don't worry about it too much; God forgives."

The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

[Nihil Obstat]

The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow.







An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[Luigi]

[quote name='Nihil Obstat' timestamp='1298868425' post='2216351']
One cold winter's day in Bethlehem, just after he had been born, Jesus is lying asleep in the manger. Awaking from his nap, he opens his eyes, sees the ox and the a[b][/b]ss standing beside him, and thinks to himself, "So this is the Company of Jesus!"
[/quote]

Now THAT's funny!

[Luigi]

Frank, the carpenter, goes to confession. He tells Father, rather sheepishly, that he stole some lumber. Father asks him, "What'd you do with it?" He says, "I built a birdhouse." Father figures it couldn't have been that much lumber, and tells him to say a Hail Mary for that particular sin - anything else?

"Well, with the lumber left over from the birdhouse, I built my a dog house." Father figures how much wood that must've been and assigns Frank three Hail Marys and and three Our Fathers. Anything else?

"Well, with the lumber left over from the doghouse, I built myself a deck." Father's making notes & sketches & estimates on a piece of paper now, and he assigns Frank two rosaries for his penance. Anything else?

"Well, with the lumber left over from the deck, I built myself a new garage." Father interrupts him and says, "Frank, do you know how make a novena?" Frank says,



"No Father, but if you've got the plans, I've got the lumber!"

Edited February 28, 2011 by Luigi

[Ed Normile]

A devout protestant soul standing at the pearly gates along with a jew was asked by St Peter if they wanted a tour of heaven as they were being welcomed in as hey both kept the commandments and their lives were pleasing to God, they replied happily, sure! St Peter walked them along saying this is the baptist section, this is the methodist section, this is the jewish section and so on, finally they came upon a section and St Peter told them to be very quiet and had them sneak around the perimeter of the section so as not to be seen. The jew asked why did we have to be quiet and sneak around that group of people, St peter relied, they are catholics and they think they are the only ones here !

ed

[Lisa]

[quote name='Nihil Obstat' timestamp='1298869540' post='2216358']
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow.







An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
[/quote]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Love all of these jokes.

Here's a few more:

Jesus defended the lady, saying "may he who is without sin cast the first stone".

No sooner had he uttered the word "stone" than a small pebble came hurling out of the croud and struck the woman on the forehead. Jesus grew angry and pushed is way into the croud, asking "who threw that?"

As he pushed his way to the back of the crowd, he found the origin of the thrown rock and said "Mom!? What are you doing here?"




Q: why did the priest giggle?



A: mass hysteria

[Lisa]

Another Jesuit joke for you (I feel kinda bad, they get all the jabs!)

[size="2"]Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. "What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? " the one asked.'

The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants."

"What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?"

"Met any Albigensians lately?"



A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. So, they decided to ask for a sign from God. This is what they received falling down from heaven:
[font="arial, helvetica, verdana, sans-serif"][size="2"]
[font="arial, helvetica, verdana, sans-serif"][size="2"][/size][/font]My sons,
Please stop bickering about such trivial matters,

Sincerely,
God, O.P.[/size][/font]





[/size]

[Lisa]

Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he's ever had.

After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." Father turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...."

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk..."

Edited for grammar.

Edited February 28, 2011 by Lisa