Toxic Friendships

[MarkKurallSchuenemann]

You should remove yourself from any toxic friendship or relationship.

I have this opinion on the field of wheat and tares (darnel) - and it's this - some people are good for us, they nourish our souls and make our lives better - like wheat makes bread. Then there is darnel - which produces poisonious spores - well if you are in a toxic friendship, you're hanging out with darnel/tare - get away because they are no good for you.

[BG45]

I'd say to distance, but explain why you're doing so. And never just outright block someone anywhere and everywhere and never give a reason for it; it'll hurt more than just losing the friendship would, because then it would be as if that person didn't even deserve an explanation.

[Nihil Obstat]

[quote name='BG45' timestamp='1298839252' post='2216175']
I'd say to distance, but explain why you're doing so. And never just outright block someone anywhere and everywhere and never give a reason for it; it'll hurt more than just losing the friendship would, because then it would be as if that person didn't even deserve an explanation.
[/quote]
If it was important for my own emotional health to have absolutely zero contact with the person I described above, I definitely would have simply blocked the person and not contacted them again. To try to explain would have led to an argument, and been a cause for gossip in my situation. I certainly think that some circumstances call for an immediate and complete severing of ties.

[Adrestia]

[quote name='CatherineM' timestamp='1298787177' post='2216076']
I try to distance myself. I have found confrontation with someone who is a tad dysfunctional is a good way to escalate it into nastiness.
[/quote]

Ditto.

Sometimes people are not meant to be close for long periods of time. I try not to completely cut people off, but make them less influential, so that their behavior doesn't bring me down.

[BG45]

[quote name='Nihil Obstat' timestamp='1298839799' post='2216180']
If it was important for my own emotional health to have absolutely zero contact with the person I described above, I definitely would have simply blocked the person and not contacted them again. To try to explain would have led to an argument, and been a cause for gossip in my situation. I certainly think that some circumstances call for an immediate and complete severing of ties.
[/quote]

See I don't think I could ever do that to someone. To go from "hey we're buddies and always will be" to "you don't exist" isn't something I've found myself capable of doing, no matter how much I'd like to sometimes. But I guess I can see that as a possibility in the way you've lain it out.

[CatherineM]

The biggest problem I had, was when the toxic relationship was with my mom. I cut off all communication for about 2 years, and then did communication only by mail, and now we talk on the phone regularly. It kind of re-booted our relationship. Either that or she is just too old to be as toxic now.

[Nihil Obstat]

[quote name='BG45' timestamp='1298846478' post='2216216']
See I don't think I could ever do that to someone. To go from "hey we're buddies and always will be" to "you don't exist" isn't something I've found myself capable of doing, no matter how much I'd like to sometimes. But I guess I can see that as a possibility in the way you've lain it out.
[/quote]
Well to the one person it may very well seem that way, and incidentally the dysfunctional people that I've had to deal with certainly don't realize how dysfunctional they are.
From my end though, it would be very clearly thought out. It wouldn't just be a simple decision to disappear. On my end it would be the result of several weeks of consideration, and probably significantly more time in which I was negatively affected by my friend's dysfunction.
It wouldn't be an easy decision either (and it wasn't in my case). Nobody wants to lose friends, especially when that friend used to be very close and dear.

[BG45]

[quote name='CatherineM' timestamp='1298847437' post='2216230']
The biggest problem I had, was when the toxic relationship was with my mom. I cut off all communication for about 2 years, and then did communication only by mail, and now we talk on the phone regularly. It kind of re-booted our relationship. Either that or she is just too old to be as toxic now.
[/quote]

My father and I are the only person I could ever have considered just cutting off, and he and I get along beautifully now that we talk a few times a month on the phone instead of having to be in one another's presence constantly! So I know that feeling

[quote name='Nihil Obstat' timestamp='1298847469' post='2216231']
Well to the one person it may very well seem that way, and incidentally the dysfunctional people that I've had to deal with certainly don't realize how dysfunctional they are.
From my end though, it would be very clearly thought out. It wouldn't just be a simple decision to disappear. On my end it would be the result of several weeks of consideration, and probably significantly more time in which I was negatively affected by my friend's dysfunction.
It wouldn't be an easy decision either (and it wasn't in my case). Nobody wants to lose friends, especially when that friend used to be very close and dear.
[/quote]

Being both the functional and dysfunctional one depending on situations, I can see what you're saying there. I'm just saying that personally, even when I'm the friend who is being impacted by a dysfunctional one, I can never bring myself to cut that person off. I just sit there and bear it in hopes that they'll change or decide to move on on their own. Thus far it's worked every time for me, but I can't say that it's necessarily the most healthy method as it can expose you to further negativity.

[Socrates]

A "toxic friendship" is not true friendship at all.

Don't be hateful, but break off all association/correspondence.

[rachael]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1298781869' post='2216056']
How do you know if you should ditch a toxic friend or work more resolve the issues?
[/quote]
I think you answered your own question. I.E. if said friend is 'toxic', it is best you leave that relationship.

[cmotherofpirl]

Friendships can be many things, - but toxic isn't one of them.

[MissScripture]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1298836537' post='2216166']
We once went to the same college and were both finance majors at the time. I was one of the more logical people at first. To my knowledge, I can get along at least well enough with most people I meet.

I get almost nothing good out of talking with him that I can't get from message boards, news articles, books, and comments on news articles.

I already established that he values independence much more than me. He also much more values "enlightenment" from reading news, watching documentaries about how things work, analyzing everything. He wants me to be like this when I am not or I am largely "unenlightened" but if being enlightened means communicating like him, then SCREW enlightenment! I won't change who I am just to please him. If I don't do everything in a very logically stated way, then I am just gambling with my life. Apart from this, I may not have heard these more than once:

I view things religiously->I am unscientific. (In in fact am somewhat, but establish certain principles with my religion which was, on a fundamental level, scientifically chosen.)
When asked how I exercise, I go walking with a friend and a few other things. "So why are you not toned?" If I had answered with more details, then I would have been more toned.
It's nice to know that there is no reason why I should move out of my parents by the time I have been well employed for a year because it is cheaper, which is logical, and all my reasons are unnecessary. Same as when we were discussing the peace corp.
I want him to be Seinfeld.
I want to control him.
He has to always be wrong with me.
He has to be careful with me because I am sensitive.
I stay busy so that I don't have to deal with a sense of loss or something in my life.
I consume too much entertainment.
I don't reflect on my life. He goes walking for an hour a day before the sunrises and reflects (though most of our conversations start after 11 pm, but he isn't always up that late normally.)
By not studying the world the way he does, I life an unexamined life, the sort that the saying says is not worth living.
He knows certain things about being forced to do hard logic make uneasy, but he doesn't make me uncomfortable because he doesn't shame me by calling me names or something.
Because I worry about paying off my debt, I must by $40,000 in debt (he was surprised I was not).
But I am not the supersaver he thought I was because when I am out and really hungry, I do buy something cheap. Which means I live more for today, where he lives for tomorrow because he is a supersaver who is saving for his first home and he only pigs out on Saturdays.
On the other hand, I should not worry about what I will do as a career too much because the husband will be the breadwinner (which is fine except I don't know when I will get married, won't have much if I don't have a solid job and my husband dies, and my mom doesn't qualify much for social security because she hasn't worked enough and she is too disabled to go back to work now. If I don't really care, I don't do it.
But I should find someone soon though because women's chances slim as they get older, or was it our expiration date... I don't remember, but it's not like that was new to me since I had hoped to be engaged by now and am single.
A while ago, I was single because I was too rational.
Now I am not capable of hard logic. No woman are, but we have a sort of emotional science. This makes me not much better than a ditzy girl.

Also, he is going to work for the IRS and have everything planned (I heard this 10 times). (I spent my education doing the practical thing and not what makes me happy and the jobs that are around me are not what makes me happy.)
I had to point out that most of my friends don't talk with their friends by telling them that they are hot, which I heard 7 times I think before I last pointed that out no one I know tells me this and this is something for non-platonic relationships.
He is subsidized by his parents, which I heard several times. His mom has a nice job in a dentist's office. (4 times)

He overcame his ADD by logic (I still have my biochemical ADD).
He eats really healthy (wish my fam could afford Ezekial bread).
He is going to get buff so that people will be attracted to him as someone who is successful and good looking.
Emotions are mere abstractions.
And he likes trolling forums.
He braindumps employers and gets requests for his resume by doing that because he knows how to stump all sorts of people with asking how the the illogical things of world work. He has actually been able to show profs in office hours how something they said was wrong.

On the other hand, he is right about certain things, like I can be a bit negative about being able to find a better job, and I worry too much. He is not the first person to say that.

Not much, except it will be the first time I will have ended a relationship like that.

It's not about explaining it; it's about justifying my views. He justifies everything he does/things with logic. He is one of those hardcore logic types who only works on that level. I will have to argue that a problem exists and how this is the best way to deal with it and either do it very well or be considered illogical/unenlightened/wanting him to be like Seinfeld instead of who he is.

Benefit of the doubt: He is probably a gifted intellectual who doesn't have many people he can relate to. I just am not one of those people he can, even if I am a little above average in that particular way.
[/quote]
After reading through this, it sounds like even if you tell him why you feel you need to end this friendship, he'll just think you're wrong regardless, and tell you that you're just an emotional female or something. That said, I'd still probably tell him why, just not expect him to "get it" because then, if he continues to do things like this in the future to others and they tell him, too, maybe, somewhere along the line it'll start sinking in that maybe he does have some things he could work on.

[quote name='Nihil Obstat' timestamp='1298839799' post='2216180']
If it was important for my own emotional health to have absolutely zero contact with the person I described above, I definitely would have simply blocked the person and not contacted them again. To try to explain would have led to an argument, and been a cause for gossip in my situation. I certainly think that some circumstances call for an immediate and complete severing of ties.
[/quote]
I completely agree.

[Ephrem Augustine]

I say ditch
its also easier to ditch when you can figure out your good healthy life giving relationships

[CatherineM]

Just remember that the longer you stay in a toxic relationship, the harder it is later to learn how to make good relationships. The bad ones start to seem natural, and you learn bad relationship skills.