My Friend/ex-Boyfriend Has Asked Me To Marry Him

[HopefulBride]

OK so a little back story.

My ex-boyfriend and I are more like Best Friends than exes (or so I thought) we talk to each other about relationships (his mostly) my discernment and other things that friends talk about. We broke up in 2005 after a two-year relationship and have remained friends because we were friends before we started dating. He is Muslim and while that wasn't the main reason for our break-up, it was a very very big part of it (I would never have dated him if he didn't grow on me ) I had always dated Christian men at the very least. I realized that as much as I wanted to say yes to his proposals, I could not because of the very opposing views on how to raise children and teach them faith. He believes on letting the child pick his faith where I felt that the child should be raised in whatever faith we as parents, would have chosen. He believed that we could have the kids baptized and then (I forgot the term) into the Muslim faith. Over the years since the break-up I have come to realize that truly the Lord was not calling me to be with this man. About two years after our break-up, I met a nice catholic young man who I dated for about 6 months before I realized the Lord was calling me to himself. My ex was very supportive of the relationship (or so he said) and I was of his current relationship with a Muslim young woman.

Fast-forward to five years post break-up (2010) and he starts to tell me that he still has feelings for me which caused me to put a little distance between us (at that time he was dating someone and I was in the process of applying to my future community) He has since broken up with this girl (very nice muslim young woman whom his family love) and out of the blue he proposes to me and tells me that he doesn't want me to enter the convent. Of course I reply that I could not because my heart is taken (that is honestly how I feel) He begged me to think hard about it and pray before I give him my answer (which by the way I gave him, I told him I couldn't)

Here is my dilemma - this is leading me to believe that perhaps we cannot be friends. It is not fair to me with the pressure from him to be with him and it is not fair to him because I do not see myself marrying him. Even if I were to discern that religious life is not for me, I would not marry this man. It is not because of who he is but mainly because through this discernment process I have come to truly know and appreciate a catholic marriage and that is what I would want for myself. I would want to raise children in a very loving catholic environment where I get the privilege to teach them their faith and watch them grow to own and love their catholic faith. I have told him this and he now wants to convert because as he puts it "he'll do whatever it takes"; the problem with that is that there isn't much that he can do an I am not quite sure how to convey that.

My question - do you pham think I should just cut contact with him? and how should I go about that? I have known him for so long and as much as I care for him, I feel that he needs to really let go of the idea of us in order for him to truly be open to a relationship with another woman.

[b]One fact that may or may not be relevant:[/b] His father's side is catholic and his mother's side is Muslim, after his parents divorced he was raised Muslim (though he was baptized in the catholic faith) He recently changed his name by removing the "christian" parts of his name and now just goes by his Muslim name which is what his Muslim side of the family refer to him as. His Christian name which was given to him by his father is what I refer to him as and also what his father's side of the family refer to him as. I know deep down he doesn't want to become a christian which is really irrelevant but how do I convince him that his heart is not really where he thinks it is?

Thanks for reading this and any feedback you have to give.

Edited January 31, 2011 by HopefulBride

[AudreyGrace]

I know someone who had a similar story. He was dating a girl for a few years, and she really did love him. Long long story short, he realized he was being called to the Priesthood. When he told her, she freaked out. But he explained that it wasn't his choice, it was God's. They split; he became a priest and she got married to another wonderful man. They are both living the lives that God wanted them to, and are both very happy. I asked the priest if he still talks to her, and he said no. One reason is because they were so close, and to continue a friendship would be not only awkward but possibly imposing on each others' vocations. He continues to pray for her, because they were very good friends for a fair chunk of their lives, but in his words, "She is where she is supposed to be, and I am where I am supposed to be." There are no ill feelings between them, but the girl eventually recognized that it was not God's plan for her life to marry him. Hopefully your ex will come to the same conclusion in time. I think that eventually, communication between you and your ex are bound to cease. We've all had close friends that we've departed from by natural means. I have a couple, but we're still on good terms. Don't sweat it out too much, keep praying and let God do the work. He knows what he's doing. Just keep your ex in prayers and try to live out what is best for you and what is God's plan for you. The rest will fall into place, all in God's time.

[Antigonos]

Despite the fact that I am neither Muslim nor Catholic, I think I must put my oar in. Even if you were not discerning a religious vocation, intermarriages of this type do not work. [IMO, intermarriages of any type don't work]. There are [b][i]huge[/i][/b] theological differences between Islam and Catholicism, or indeed any form of Christianity. Islam does not permit images and regards veneration of them as idolatry. Islam does not recognize Jesus as the Son of God, but as a minor prophet. Muslims have certain dietary restrictions, and the obligation once in life to make the pilgrimage to Mecca. Children raised in two-faith homes are usually confused, and not infrequently rebel against both religions. And, unfortunately, at some point it is almost inevitable that religion becomes the 800 lb. gorilla in the room, even when both partners care deeply for each other. Even if this young man is secular, his family -- and yours, I bet -- would be distressed. And even if he were to convert, there's a good chance he would find himself largely cut off from his family -- for which, Heaven forbid, he might blame you. [I might note here that in matters of divorce, the Muslim religious courts not only favor the man -- a woman cannot divorce her husband in Islam but divorce is very simple for him-- he is almost always granted custody of the children.

Even if you should ultimately decide that married life is the vocation you choose, find another Catholic. You will be much happier and spare yourself a lot of problems. [This isn't to suggest that you might not have any problems; married life has its share, no matter how well-matched the couple. But at least relligious controversy is not likely to be one of them]

[MithLuin]

Cutting off contact with him is the kind thing to do.

I know it doesn't seem like it, since if you really wanted to be friends, you'd be there for him.... But continuing to be friends is not going to be healthy for either of you. You can pray for him, but there is no need to continue hanging out.

As you may or may not be aware, most religious communities will curtail your correspondence with, er, eligible young men (at least during the novitiate). You will have to cut off your friendship with him when you enter anyway, so you might as well do so now.

A clean break will make it easier for him to move on, so it's honestly much nicer than continuing to hang around and talk to him and potentially (even accidentally) raise false hopes.

[Cherie]

[quote name='MithLuin' timestamp='1296496300' post='2207037']
Cutting off contact with him is the kind thing to do.

I know it doesn't seem like it, since if you really wanted to be friends, you'd be there for him.... But continuing to be friends is not going to be healthy for either of you. You can pray for him, but there is no need to continue hanging out.

As you may or may not be aware, most religious communities will curtail your correspondence with, er, eligible young men (at least during the novitiate). You will have to cut off your friendship with him when you enter anyway, so you might as well do so now.

A clean break will make it easier for him to move on, so it's honestly much nicer than continuing to hang around and talk to him and potentially (even accidentally) raise false hopes.
[/quote]

I agree with all of this.

[franciscanheart]

[quote name='CherieMadame' timestamp='1296497733' post='2207050']
[quote name='MithLuin' timestamp='1296496300' post='2207037']
Cutting off contact with him is the kind thing to do.

I know it doesn't seem like it, since if you really wanted to be friends, you'd be there for him.... But continuing to be friends is not going to be healthy for either of you. You can pray for him, but there is no need to continue hanging out.

As you may or may not be aware, most religious communities will curtail your correspondence with, er, eligible young men (at least during the novitiate). You will have to cut off your friendship with him when you enter anyway, so you might as well do so now.

A clean break will make it easier for him to move on, so it's honestly much nicer than continuing to hang around and talk to him and potentially (even accidentally) raise false hopes.
[/quote]
I agree with all of this.
[/quote]
As do I. But more importantly, I would urge you to talk to your Spiritual Director about it.

[krissylou]

[quote name='MithLuin' timestamp='1296496300' post='2207037']
Cutting off contact with him is the kind thing to do.

I know it doesn't seem like it, since if you really wanted to be friends, you'd be there for him.... But continuing to be friends is not going to be healthy for either of you. You can pray for him, but there is no need to continue hanging out.

As you may or may not be aware, most religious communities will curtail your correspondence with, er, eligible young men (at least during the novitiate). You will have to cut off your friendship with him when you enter anyway, so you might as well do so now.

A clean break will make it easier for him to move on, so it's honestly much nicer than continuing to hang around and talk to him and potentially (even accidentally) raise false hopes.
[/quote]

I'm more liberal than most, and think that in many cases maintaining friendships with single men can be good and wonderful.

Not in this case, though. Not when you've both allegedly "moved on" years ago but then a proposal comes up out of nowhere.

In your situation, I agree with Mith Luin entirely.

Even though I'm sure it would be really really hard and I'm really sorry for you.

[Sarah147]

I agree with Cherie.

I was just thinking over what people said... About the Priest and the former girlfriend, they needed to cut communication so not to intrude on each others vocations. Good way to handle it.

I think it would continue to cause undue stress on you to have that on your back as long as you communicate with him. You know your vocation, and he knows his; since he is stuck on you, I think a cut would allow him to date other girls.

That is a tough situation.

[HopefulBride]

Thanks for taking the time to give feedback guys. I have been racking my brain since last night trying to find a way to tell him our friendship is over. As much I as like his friendship, I don't want the burden of worrying that he might be seeing our friendship as something else.

Mith, you have a good point there, I guess my concern is that I don't want to come across as being uncharitable but at the same time I want to be firm and to the point.

I am going to pray about and will speak to my SD (who I'm pretty sure will tell me about the need to cut of the arm that causes me to sin....)

Pax,
HB

[LaboureSociety]

Speaking in a personal, not professional LS capacity, something that is really foreign to our culture -even amongst orthodox Catholics, is the meaning of one-on-one time (whether in person, texting, phone, or online chatting) between members of the opposite sex. We very rarely cultivate our same-gender relationships because they lack the 'excitement' of even platonic opposite gender relationships. But, same gender friendships encourage us and form us in authentic femininity or masculinity and free us to be properly emotionally available and mature (!) when there IS an intentional romantic relationship or vocational call. I encourage all of us to spend time together as women and as men and then together all in groups. This applies to all men and women after the age adolescence -young adults, teens, older adults... Hope this helps!

[franciscanheart]

[quote name='LaboureSociety' timestamp='1296510788' post='2207185']
Speaking in a personal, not professional LS capacity, something that is really foreign to our culture -even amongst orthodox Catholics, is the meaning of one-on-one time (whether in person, texting, phone, or online chatting) between members of the opposite sex. We very rarely cultivate our same-gender relationships because they lack the 'excitement' of even platonic opposite gender relationships. But, same gender friendships encourage us and form us in authentic femininity or masculinity and free us to be properly emotionally available and mature (!) when there IS an intentional romantic relationship or vocational call. I encourage all of us to spend time together as women and as men and then together all in groups. This applies to all men and women after the age adolescence -young adults, teens, older adults... Hope this helps!
[/quote]
I very much agree! Thank you so much for posting this. As an aside, I have noticed in myself these last few years a real DESIRE to be with other women faithful. I learn so much about being a woman by being with those who are ahead of me on the path. I love my girl friends!

[Sarah147]

I also would not let him know what order you are entering. Who knows what he could start mailing you to win you over. You don't need to be dealing with that when you are a Sister, or anytime for that matter.

[Sarah147]

[quote name='LaboureSociety' timestamp='1296510788' post='2207185']
Speaking in a personal, not professional LS capacity, something that is really foreign to our culture -even amongst orthodox Catholics, is the meaning of one-on-one time (whether in person, texting, phone, or online chatting) between members of the opposite sex. We very rarely cultivate our same-gender relationships because they lack the 'excitement' of even platonic opposite gender relationships. But, same gender friendships encourage us and form us in authentic femininity or masculinity and free us to be properly emotionally available and mature (!) when there IS an intentional romantic relationship or vocational call. I encourage all of us to spend time together as women and as men and then together all in groups. This applies to all men and women after the age adolescence -young adults, teens, older adults... Hope this helps!
[/quote]


I LOVVEEEEEE my same gender (female) friends. I have grown sooooo much on all levels through loving, Catholic female friends. I actually avoid males my age because I don't need the temptations against vocations and chastity. I'm keeping my heart on Jesus. Even male love songs make me feel like I'm turning my heart, so I avoid them.

Edited January 31, 2011 by JoyfulLife

[HopefulBride]

[quote name='hugheyforlife' timestamp='1296511492' post='2207189']
I very much agree! Thank you so much for posting this. As an aside, I have noticed in myself these last few years a real DESIRE to be with other women faithful. I learn so much about being a woman by being with those who are ahead of me on the path. I love my girl friends!
[/quote]

Most of my women friends are a few years ahead (married and some of which actively discerned religious life) so I am grateful for their input. I do wish there were more young ladies who were considering or have considered religious life in my circle...

[Sarah147]

[quote name='HopefulBride' timestamp='1296513724' post='2207201']
Most of my women friends are a few years ahead (married and some of which actively discerned religious life) so I am grateful for their input. I do wish there were more young ladies who were considering or have considered religious life in my circle...
[/quote]


Same here. I am trying to figure how to meet some very chaste, Catholic women more near my age that are interested in religious life. It seems most out there are interested in boys and marriage. But phatmass has been great.