Good Friday Posted August 16, 2003 Share Posted August 16, 2003 But it sure did get your attention, didn't it? Anyway, I do. But not in the same-sex attraction sense, well... at least not completely. Ooh, I'm speaking in enigmas with a dash of confusion, let me try again. I need men in my life. Like, this is something I've realized as I've been having serious struggles with depression lately, and also with my same-sex attractions (a battle I repeatedly lose). There aren't any. My father is as absent as absent can be without being dead. I have no guy friends for a variety of reasons (one of which is that I don't have many friends at all). And I know that this lack of male influences only intensifies my same-sex attraction (for the studies tell me so... sung to the tune of "Jesus Loves Me"). The lack of male influences, a long-standing tradition in my life, is probably the cause of the same-sex attractions. They could quite possibly just go away, if only I had normal male relationships. But, alas, I don't, and it's almost impossible for me to form them for some reason. I have maybe three male friends, only one of which I talk to frequently, and he lives in Michigan. He's also my ex-boyfriend. So that's not really a "normal male relationship," now is it? The other two are fairly normal, people I knew in grade school and then in high school. The problem, of course, is that we only talk once every month or so (and that's when we're more communicative than usual), and we never hang out or anything. One of them goes to college kinda far away, so that makes it impossible most of the times, and the times it doesn't we don't hang out, despite the fact that he lives about five houses down. And then the other one goes to college locally, and lives near me -- like a few blocks away. But we never hang out. And like, I can't just ask God for male friends. God's response would no doubt be, "Uh, DUH, you already have two male friends that live right around you, it's not MY problem if you won't hang out with them. How many more do you want, and should I move them into your house?!" Of course God's probably not that sarcastic, but you get my point. And this same-sex attraction thing... I know it's my cross to bear and all, but it's driving me nuts. Nuts, as you can probably tell from this post! It hinders everything, everything in my life. It is both the result of and now the cause of not having any male friendships. It is the reason I hesitate to go to college, because I know the dorms will be one whopping occasion to sin. It's the reason I almost have to give up on the seminary and the priesthood. It's the reason I may never marry. It's the reason why gym class has been debatably my least favorite thing in all the world. There's no part of my life that it doesn affect somehow, and I'm sick of it. Sometimes it would seem so much easier to just say bye-bye to the Church (I'm not going to, I can't, and I don't really want to) and embrace what society tells me is just dandy to do. And to top it all off, I'm not chaste anyway! I try to be chaste, but it just doesn't seem to work out for me. I fully intend, every week when I confess (yes, I have to confess weekly, because I am one screwed up person)... anyway, I fully intend every week when I confess, to go and sin no more. But I do! The same sins, over and over again. UGH. Anyway, this has been a very personal glimpse into my very personal (and frustrating) life. I hope you've found it enjoyable, as I tried to make it as comical and non-dramatic as possible even though I feel like crying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BarefootRocker Posted August 16, 2003 Share Posted August 16, 2003 i wish i could give you hugs. hugs that would fix everything. you're in my prayers. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyperdulia again Posted August 16, 2003 Share Posted August 16, 2003 :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dUSt Posted August 16, 2003 Share Posted August 16, 2003 I'll be your step daddy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good Friday Posted August 16, 2003 Author Share Posted August 16, 2003 lol you're a bit young for that, and that'd be freaky, but thanks. :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyperdulia again Posted August 16, 2003 Share Posted August 16, 2003 i liked gym. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good Friday Posted August 16, 2003 Author Share Posted August 16, 2003 i liked gym. Did you? You know you're like the exception to every rule that exists, right? :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyperdulia again Posted August 16, 2003 Share Posted August 16, 2003 maybe...?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good Friday Posted August 16, 2003 Author Share Posted August 16, 2003 Actually, I mostly didn't like gym because I was fat, not because of my SSAs. I should give credit where credit is due. I was extremely uncomfortable undressing in front of the other guys at my school since there was only one other fat kid in my whole class, and so I didn't want to. Only about 10% of my locker room anxieties had to do with my SSAs. Did I say was fat? I talk as if something has changed. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyperdulia again Posted August 16, 2003 Share Posted August 16, 2003 :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam Posted August 16, 2003 Share Posted August 16, 2003 :unsure: :huh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dUSt Posted August 16, 2003 Share Posted August 16, 2003 For some reason, this thread has suddenly caused me to permanently relate Good Friday to Piggy from Lord of the Flies... things will never be the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good Friday Posted August 16, 2003 Author Share Posted August 16, 2003 :lol: I haven't actually read Lord of the Flies, but I'm thankful you're relating me to Piggy in it rather than Miss Piggy. But you don't have to picture me at all, there's a picture in my profile. I love you guys... probably to an unhealthy degree, you internet people. :o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrysologus Posted August 16, 2003 Share Posted August 16, 2003 For some reason, this thread has suddenly caused me to permanently relate Good Friday to Piggy from Lord of the Flies... things will never be the same. Oh my goodness, that's hilarious. Funniest thing ever. Good Friday, some of those problems happen to us who like girls too. They can be quite distracting and sometimes completely overwhelm my ability to think and behave normally. Failing to be chaste I also understand. Ah, sometimes life is just so hard. Yet if we endure to the end good things await. (I'm not trying to make your life seem any less hard, just sympathize as much as possible.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Adam Posted August 16, 2003 Share Posted August 16, 2003 Keep running the race Nathan, you'll get there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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