Lilllabettt Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 So I have this friend of mine. She has been dating this guy for a couple years. In my opinion, he is playing her. This is my evidence: (fyi, He is a "patriotic" Catholic - didn't get the best catechesis but attached to the Catholicism because of deeply rooted family tradition. Late twenties, out of school. They have not had premarital sex) 1. They were dating for a year, and had talked about getting engaged on their anniversary and married the next summer. When the time came for the proposal to happen ( pre-Cana takes 6 mos. so the latest for a summer wedding is feb.) he suddenly "remembered" that he had a 40 grand loan out for graduate school and said he needed to wait and pay off that. my friend cried, but she sighed and went on. She "loved" him. 2. This holiday, they have been dating for two years. He asked her questions like "do you like white or yellow gold." She told him: I have to know by January 1st what days to submit for work to take off for vacation ... will I know? (in other words, will you propose by then?) He said: for sure. She asked him: what are you getting me for Christmas? He said: "it starts with a 'p' (proposal). Add this to it being engagement season, and it being the time to do it to plan a summer wedding and ... yeah. we were expecting. Fast forward to Christmas Eve. They can't get together, he says he is with family Christmas Eve. They plan to get together Christmas Day. But when the day comes he ditches her. Calls her a few hrs before they are supposed to meet and says Christmas eve family stuff got switched to today. Says he's too tired to come out later. Finally meet late night day-after Christmas Eve. He presents her with a $20 gift card. my friend cries. 3. He claims he was unaware she was expecting a Christmas proposal. This despite the "will I know what vacation days" question, for which he has no explanation. He promises he will propose "before Spring." He says he didn't know she had "moved it up," since they discussed the last possible day to do it was in February. my friend, who was utterly devastated, instantly accepts this explanation and turns on robotic mode and answers all skepticism with "but I love him" My thoughts: 1. dude is not ready to get married and is playing her. 2. dude does not really want to marry her, since he is thinking about how he can put it off to the 'last possible day' 3. my friend deserves someone who can't wait to marry her. 4. It is really mean and cruel to talk to a girl in detail about a wedding (who will come, who will sit where, he wants to wear a tux, etc.) for TWO years and never pop the question Am I overreacting? Is this just how the typical male behaves? It seems so slimy to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4588686 Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 [quote name='Lilllabettt' timestamp='1293518434' post='2194739'] So I have this friend of mine. She has been dating this guy for a couple years. In my opinion, he is playing her. This is my evidence: (fyi, He is a "patriotic" Catholic - didn't get the best catechesis but attached to the Catholicism because of deeply rooted family tradition. Late twenties, out of school. They have not had premarital sex) 1. They were dating for a year, and had talked about getting engaged on their anniversary and married the next summer. When the time came for the proposal to happen ( pre-Cana takes 6 mos. so the latest for a summer wedding is feb.) he suddenly "remembered" that he had a 40 grand loan out for graduate school and said he needed to wait and pay off that. my friend cried, but she sighed and went on. She "loved" him. 2. This holiday, they have been dating for two years. He asked her questions like "do you like white or yellow gold." She told him: I have to know by January 1st what days to submit for work to take off for vacation ... will I know? (in other words, will you propose by then?) He said: for sure. She asked him: what are you getting me for Christmas? He said: "it starts with a 'p' (proposal). Add this to it being engagement season, and it being the time to do it to plan a summer wedding and ... yeah. we were expecting. Fast forward to Christmas Eve. They can't get together, he says he is with family Christmas Eve. They plan to get together Christmas Day. But when the day comes he ditches her. Calls her a few hrs before they are supposed to meet and says Christmas eve family stuff got switched to today. Says he's too tired to come out later. Finally meet late night day-after Christmas Eve. He presents her with a $20 gift card. my friend cries. 3. He claims he was unaware she was expecting a Christmas proposal. This despite the "will I know what vacation days" question, for which he has no explanation. He promises he will propose "before Spring." He says he didn't know she had "moved it up," since they discussed the last possible day to do it was in February. my friend, who was utterly devastated, instantly accepts this explanation and turns on robotic mode and answers all skepticism with "but I love him" My thoughts: 1. dude is not ready to get married and is playing her. 2. dude does not really want to marry her, since he is thinking about how he can put it off to the 'last possible day' 3. my friend deserves someone who can't wait to marry her. 4. It is really mean and cruel to talk to a girl in detail about a wedding (who will come, who will sit where, he wants to wear a tux, etc.) for TWO years and never pop the question Am I overreacting? Is this just how the typical male behaves? It seems so slimy to me. [/quote] Nope. Guy seems like a spineless sack of poo. I feel sorry for your friend. She seems like a good person who is willing to look for the best in people. It's a shame that this guy seems to be so eager to take advantage of her goodness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4588686 Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 I should not have so categorically dismissed him. It is very possible that he doesn't truly realize what he is putting your friend through. If that is the case though then he has a great deal of maturing to do before he is ready for marriage. Either way it is not good and your friend should probably move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilllabettt Posted December 28, 2010 Author Share Posted December 28, 2010 Sometimes boys are just oblivions ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rhetoricfemme Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 He seems too cavalier about the greatness of marriage and the emotional/mental/spiritual affects his proposal (or teasing lack thereof) is having on your friend. You're definitely not overreacting and I'll be praying for your friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rkwright Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 one thing, somewhat in his defense... I know when my wife started to get the wedding thing in her mind, it seemed to come up a lot. There were always questions like well what days should we plan it for, what knid of ring should we get, when are you going to propose!!! hurry up!! For guys, it can be overwhelming. There are a lot of things to think about and pray about and when you start getting closer and closer to doing it, it starts to become more and more real and more tense. It is really sad when you have to tell your g/f yes, its coming up! and they take it to mean "oh hes going to do it this weekend!" but no you mean in a month or two. Take your friend's example of what he's getting her - starts with a "p"..well... "p" could stand for present, or anything really. Her mind went to proposal. just saying! Now, that being said. though a $20 gift card for someone you've been with for 2 years is pretty lame all around. He does seem to be jerking her around. Like he starts to commit, and then backs off. But, maybe he's starting to get the ring and moving in that way. Be patient. Your friend should have a sit down talk with him. Where are we going and when. Figure out if he is truly serious or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MithLuin Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 Sometimes people like marriage as a concept when it is far off. Like, college kids talking about marriage knowing it will be years before they graduate/get engaged/get married. Sometimes the reality of actually having to propose/plan a wedding/get married makes people stop and consider...wait, do I really want to be with this person for the rest of my life? Either way, it seems pretty clear the guy has cold feet. He's dragging this out for some reason. After all, lots of people get married before paying off debts. Lots of people get engaged at Christmas time. Assuming they're not younger than 21, lots of people consider 2 years to be plenty of time to date before getting engaged. Obviously, he's hurt her. He may be in denial or oblivious, but he has hurt her. If she wants to put her foot down and say, look, in or out? she'll at least get an answer. Though most people, when pressured, will not choose to propose. She no doubt realizes this, and doesn't want to scare him off. Rushing into marriage is never wise, and if he's not ready for it (for whatever reason), pestering him for a ring is not the wisest thing she could do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lil Red Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 [quote name='Hasan' timestamp='1293523281' post='2194741'] Nope. Guy seems like a spineless sack of poo. I feel sorry for your friend. She seems like a good person who is willing to look for the best in people. It's a shame that this guy seems to be so eager to take advantage of her goodness. [/quote] no, your first response was spot-on. he is a spineless sack of poo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dominicansoul Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 if you are deeply in love with someone, you can't wait to be with them. You want to spend every minute with them. I feel like this guy isn't deeply in love with your friend. They need to have a serious talk about their future. Two years of courting with this lukewarm boyfriend are two whole years of your friend's life wasted! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Adam Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 [quote name='Lil Red' timestamp='1293550759' post='2194765'] no, your first response was spot-on. he is a spineless sack of poo. [/quote] This. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sixpence Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 I'd give him the February deadline as has Very Last chance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Semper Catholic Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 If there's one thing I know, ultimatums and forced proposals are great starts towards a happy married life! Relationships are abut the journey not the destination. Also I'd be worried about a girl who cries over such a little thing like that. I doubt she is truly ready for marriage if that's true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Adam Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 [quote name='Semper Catholic' timestamp='1293555515' post='2194777'] Also I'd be worried about a girl who cries over such a little thing like that. I doubt she is truly ready for marriage if that's true. [/quote] You would worry if a girl was lead on to believe she was going to be proposed to and then got a freaking gift card instead and cried? For most women I know that would be a natural reaction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dominicansoul Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 [quote name='Semper Catholic' timestamp='1293555515' post='2194777'] If there's one thing I know, ultimatums and forced proposals are great starts towards a happy married life! Relationships are abut the journey not the destination. Also I'd be worried about a girl who cries over such a little thing like that. I doubt she is truly ready for marriage if that's true. [/quote] I don't think that is the case in this situation, though. You have a guy who's been stringing her along for two years...HINTS at a wedding ring for Christmas and then gives her a lousy $20.00 gift card. Now, is that the way you treat the lady you love??? "Relationships are about the journey not the destination..." ---not quite sure what that means in this situation, especially if one is courting, then obviously, the "destination" is marriage.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Semper Catholic Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 [quote name='Brother Adam' timestamp='1293555991' post='2194778'] You would worry if a girl was lead on to believe she was going to be proposed to and then got a freaking gift card instead and cried? For most women I know that would be a natural reaction. [/quote] It's pretty clear she is hoping and pushing for something that isn't yet to be materialized. Pretty common for a couple to talk about marriage after a couple years to be together, that doesn't mean it's going to happen. Nothing better to scare a guy off then a marriage crazy girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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