How Do You Find Out Someone's True Colors

[tinytherese]

I realize that I won't be doing this for quite some time since I have issues to work in my life and there are no good propspects where I'm at anyway, but there's something that keeps bothering me. When the time is right for me and I actually meet someone who is potential husband material, how do I know that they are what they appear to be?

There's a certain level of being on your best behavior or trying to impress your date.

Also, there's the issue of my parents. My mom dated my dad for three years before getting engaged to him and during that time she didn't see signs of him acting like the man he is today- abusive verbally, emotionally, a little physically, and sexually harassing me with inappropriate touching. I know that people say that you should see how someone interacts with their family to see what they are really like, but in my family's case that didn't help.

Mom spent time with him and his family, also attending the games that he coached at. She interacted with him and his son and was delighted at how he was with him. (My dad is divorced and before my parents could get married, he had to get an annulment which the Church granted him. My brother since he was two lived with his mom and eventually his stepdad.) We don't know why, but he acts like a very different dad to my older brother than to my little brother and I. He also in general is a different person with his blood relatives than with my mom, brother, and I. My dad essentially became a morphed into a different man. He treated my mom so differently before they were married. Now I don't remember if he started showing signs of being the man he is today while they were engaged or after the wedding. So I'm concerned that I'll make my mom's mistake.

According to what mom said, marriage preparation wasn't that great at their parish, just a little pre-cana weekend and there are definitely certain issues like finances that they significantly disagree on. In fact, they have very little in common, especially in terms of values. I know that part of the problem in their marriage is that mom didn't consider how dad's attitude on his parents' marriage would affect them. Unfortunately, he saw them as the model for how to be and he treats mom a lot like his dad treats his mom (which isn't good.)

Another thing I wonder about is how to truly learn about what a person thinks about certain issues. For all you know they could be lying to you.
Example, "What do you think of contraception?" "Oh I'm against that." How do you know that they mean it? They could just be saying that because they know that you are not in favor of it, so that they can be with you. All of a sudden after the wedding start talking condoms.

[BG45]

First of all, I'm sorry your dad puts both you and your mom through all of that. I know mom tells me my own father is nothing like the man she dated.

I think how you tell is simply by being there, during the good and the bad. I know when things are going good, I'm a bit pessimistic but overall look forward to what is to come and try to put that foot forward (and still complain too much and think too negatively). When things are going bad, I get defensive or break down into tears or both.

But being there through the hard times for your potential spouse is when you see the side of them that's not on the good behavior as you put it so aptly. How a person reacts to a rained out date night could be vastly different than when they lose their job, have someone they were close to die, etc.

On the learning where they really stand on issues...that's tricky. I think that no lie could continue forever, because it takes too much conscious effort to lie and a person eventually becomes caught in it. Contraception for example, someone might say that they're against it and be for it, and eventually slip up by talking about condoms or birth control, in comparison to NFP and/or trusting in God's will. If they start talking it after the wedding and have been so adamant seeming before, I'd start worrying about what else they didn't tell the truth about. At the same time, people change; I know I was at one time apathetic on the issue of contraception, and now it's key to me, much the same with the pro-life stance I now hold near and dear.

All in all, I guess it comes down to reading the person after getting to know them well.

[let_go_let_God]

For me it takes on a few different steps. First for me is remembering people don't change. I was in a relationship and almost married the person because I thought I could help him. Wrong choice, glad I got out.

Second, establish a good solid friendship first before you start dating/courting. By doing this you are establishing that you want to have a solid foundation first.

Third, expect things to go wrong. By doing this you can see how you both react in situations. because you may actually react differently when they are around.

God bless-
LGLG

[EcceNovaFacioOmni]

I'd like to echo LGLG's advice to not start a relationship with someone that you think needs to change.

[CatherineM]

Get them out of their comfort zone. I went on a vacation to Mexico with a boyfriend, and he completely showed his true colors. Do something or go somewhere where they will be out of sorts, tired, uncomfortable, scared, or even just too hot or too cold. Watch him trying to learn a new skill, like skiing or surfing or baking, to give you a clue how they handle adversity. Make him go to a party where he won't know anyone. Purposely make him late to the start of a movie. These are the things that will show you the side of him that you don't see normally.

[Semper Catholic]

[quote name='let_go_let_God' timestamp='1291648178' post='2191215']
For me it takes on a few different steps. First for me is remembering people don't change.
[/quote]

This is completely wrong. People constantly change and evolve. Heck how many people on this website have changed simply by finding Catholicism?

PROTIP: I've noticed a lot of these threads always seem like the people "courting" or dating or whatever are robots. The replies are "If they do this-do that" etc.

People don't come with directions. You shouldn't be "testing" your boyfriend or analyzing him to see if he's fit for marrying (I get that women love doing this).

Just be a normal person and be with someone who cares about you. If you're with someone for a good amount of time you'll figure it out.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

[quote name='let_go_let_God' timestamp='1291648178' post='2191215']
For me it takes on a few different steps. First for me is remembering people don't change. I was in a relationship and almost married the person because I thought I could help him. Wrong choice, glad I got out.

God bless-
LGLG
[/quote]

People DO change over time --but we can't go into marriage expecting them to change, or to necessarily change in the ways we want them to change.

Although people feel that they know themselves very well in their 20's (and probably do), my experience is that, when I look back at myself and my friends in our 20's, there were also very important things we hadn't discovered about ourselves yet.

My advice would be, no matter how much in love you are with a person, and no matter much you want the relationship to work out, if there are "red flags," don't ignore them, even if they seem to make no logical sense, or don't seem to fit with what you know about the person. I would never have married my ex-husband if I hadn't ignored several large red flags that were staring me in the face. But, I truly loved him and I was also afraid to be alone. Other people noticed some of the red flags, but I didn't want to hear, or the other people didn't know exactly what the red flags meant, only that they caused an unsure feeling.

Over my life, I have met three or four "soulmates," but for various reasons they were not right to be my husband. (For example, a couple were married to someone else already). I'm not someone who believes we have only one "soulmate." Just because you truly love someone doesn't mean they are the right person to be your spouse.

The successful marriage is the one that is strong enough to weather the inevitable changes and all the unexpected things that life can throw at you.

Edited December 6, 2010 by IgnatiusofLoyola

[fides quarens intellectum]

Does the man place Christ first in all things - I mean, is he truly a man of prayer, a man who would never love you more than he loves the Lord, etc? How does he treat his mother (and grandmother, if she's still around)?

In my opinion, the answer to both of these questions will say a lot about who a man really is.

[dominicansoul]

...how does he treat his mother?

[fides quarens intellectum]

[quote name='dominicansoul' timestamp='1291696722' post='2191365']
...how does he treat his mother?
[/quote]

indeed. Does he treat her with dignity and respect? Does he take advantage of her? Does he cling [i]way too tightly [/i]to her apron strings? Does he value her opinions? Does he disregard everything she has to say? Does he spend any time with her?

In my opinion, how he treats his mother says a lot about his views on women.

[CatherineM]

That's assuming that his mom is a normal mom. With my mother in law, the fact that he speaks to her, and hasn't knocked her off a bridge, says a lot about him.

[fides quarens intellectum]

[quote name='CatherineM' timestamp='1291700764' post='2191375']
That's assuming that his mom is a normal mom. With my mother in law, the fact that he speaks to her, and hasn't knocked her off a bridge, says a lot about him.
[/quote]





What in the world is a "normal" mom, anyway?!

[Ephrem Augustine]

you find someones true colors come out in a crisis

[let_go_let_God]

[quote name='let_go_let_God' timestamp='1291648178' post='2191215']
For me it takes on a few different steps. First for me is remembering people don't change. I was in a relationship and almost married the person because I thought I could help him. Wrong choice, glad I got out.
[/quote]

Let me clarify this. With this person, he would do some things that were mortally sinful and would not change. In fact this grew to greater proportions that I could not understand and he did them for his own personal gratification. I thought I could save him from the things he was doing wrong. It took years and he had made changes that led me to believe he was changing, but instead he would lie about changing just to try and hold onto me. When I finally did discover how far his beliefs went I thought I was too attached to him to let go. I was being emotionally manipulated and I was the one being changed.

Forgive me, people do change and can change for the better, but sometimes when the problem is quite big, for your own safety you need to get out.

God bless-
LGLG

[MithLuin]

[b]TT[/b], love involves a great deal of trust. You trust the other person to treat you well. Sometimes, they don't, and you are hurt. Even if they are the best spouse in the world, this will happen sometimes. And [i]you[/i] will hurt [i]him[/i], even when you don't mean to. We all have bad days, make stupid decisions, are foolish and selfish and hectically caught up in stuff.

So, your question is how can you [i]know[/i]....when you really have to [i]love[/i]. The relationship must be rooted in love, and worked on constantly. Yes, look out for red flags and danger signs. It's not just 'oh, he's having a bad day' when it happens repeatedly.

I am always running late, almost no matter what. I can improve, sure, but it's something I've struggled with my entire life. If a man were to decide that he liked me enough to start a relationship, but, gee, it's only going to work if she can be where she says she's going to be when she's supposed to be there....we probably don't have a future together. It's not that I can't change - it's that I'm not going to change just to meet his standards, and if I try to, it's going to devolve into him sitting in judgment of me every time I'm late. I'm never going to feel 'good enough' around him. That's the real issue - it's not a question of whether or not I [i]can[/i] change, but of whether or not I [i]have[/i] to for him to be supportive of me. And of whether or not I am willing to make the effort at his request.

If you're dating, and some issue that is a deal breaker for you comes up, and you both talk about it, and he disagrees or makes no change....that is when you have to decide what is your course forward? A lot of people fall into the wishful thinking of, 'oh, he'll change, he'll get better, he's just tired/stressed/busy/going through a tough time right now.' It is this thinking that is dangerous. You are putting conditions on your love for the other person (conditions that may never be met), and just assuming that it will all work out somehow....later. It has to work (on some level) NOW - you have to be facing the challenges together, and you have to love him warts and all, not just the airbrushed idealized version you create in your mind.

Trust the judgment of your friends and family if you aren't sure of your own. If everyone hates the guy, maybe they see something that you're missing. Listen to them, and see if you can understand their concerns. Maybe it's something minor. Maybe...you know him better than they do, and they're wrong. But do listen; don't completely ignore the advice.

If you aren't sure, give it time. There's nothing wrong with dating for a few years before getting engaged. In fact...that can be a very good thing. The first three months of almost any relationship tend to go swimmingly. You're cute and in love and putting your best foot forward, so basically it's just fun and exciting to be around the other person and get to know them. After that....chips start to show. One of you might put the relationship on the back burner because something else took priority. One of you might stop trying so hard to impress and some of those 'true colors' start to show through. Or maybe some of your differences start cropping up and causing issues. Basically, as those things happen, you learn to get through them together...or not. Some relationships just unravel. Others stagnate. And others grow stronger. As time goes on and you face crises and disagreements, you learn to trust one another even in the tough times. By then...you should know.

Sure, there are conmen out there. There are people who can put a lot of effort into duping you. One thing to do is to demand that you take your time. You can say pretty early on that it's difficult for you to trust men, and that you want to take things slow and just get to know each other for awhile. If a guy respects that, that's a good sign. If he insists on rushing you along, well....that's not exactly a good sign.