Turning A Guy Down

[sixpence]

just smile sweetly and tell him, you really don't think it would work out between you, and you don't think you should continue hanging out alone because you don't want to give him false hopes.

If he is SO awkward that he asks WHY you don't think it would work out... I would say.. "because questions like that make me feel very awkward"

[tinytherese]

So I spent today avoiding him. I barely managed to over an hour ago. I just finished talking to him after I cancelled some activities that we were going to do together in a text message after I listened to a voicemail from him. I ended up talking to him in person after he inquired if I was alright after cancelling the plans and if we were alright.

I clarified what I said earlier about it just not happening between us and that I didn't want for him to hope for anything more. He insited that he wanted to be friends though and I said that I needed my space and that it seemed as if when we did spend time off together that it felt like it wasn't completely understood to be a purely friendship quality time. I also said that I'd rather that we spend time together in the context of a group of people instead of alone. He said he was surprised that I thought he wasn't giving me enough space because to him it didn't seem as if we spent that much time together. He did say, "But what do I know though." He apologized for that and gave me an unexpected quick stiff hug and apologized again since he realized that I didn't anticipate it. I may just have to tell him that I don't like that either. I'm not one that gives off the air of wanting that kind of contact even with most of my family members. I'm especially not used to contact like that from guys. I remember feeling completely embarassed and awkward when a young priest I knew asked if I would give him a hug since I was transfering which was in front of a bunch of parishioners. I just have hardly any significant guy friends so I'm not used to that. We'll see how this plays out.

[missionseeker]

[quote name='Hasan' timestamp='1291303739' post='2190360']
Tell him no. No means no. No you don't want to date him. No you don't want to be friends because you don't feel like this is possible because he's made it clear that he's not interested in friendship, he's interested in dating. No you don't want to explore his feelings. You wish him the best and you know that he's going to find an amazing girl someday who will return his feelings but that girl will not be you. You think he's a good person at heart and you would hate it if his clingy and obstinate behavior caused you to view him in a negative light. You hope that he'll be a man and respect your feelings and not try to force himself on you.

Something like that. Don't leave him room to misunderstand you. You have a duty to treat him with the respect and dignity due to any person. You don't have a duty to forge any sort of relationship with anyone you don't want to.
[/quote]

Yes! This!

I also just want to add, that honestly, no should be enough. You shouldn't be expected to give multiple reasons, and really, even one reason isn't necessary. I figured this out when a guy that I had no idea even had any interest in me (who I had turned down a year before because I thought he was joking. Oh yeah... clueless. lol) asked me out. He asked me out at a bad time. I'd just been in fights with my best guy friend and, like you was dealing with lots of things. He kept asking why and I felt bad because I really didn't feel comfortable giving him detailed information. I came to realize that he wasn't necessarily entitled to an explanation. It kind of sucked for him, but... A polite and charitable decline IS enough. Do not feel as if you have to explain yourself.

[quote name='tinytherese' timestamp='1291347941' post='2190543']
So I spent today avoiding him. I barely managed to over an hour ago. I just finished talking to him after I cancelled some activities that we were going to do together in a text message after I listened to a voicemail from him. I ended up talking to him in person after he inquired if I was alright after cancelling the plans and if we were alright.

I clarified what I said earlier about it just not happening between us and that I didn't want for him to hope for anything more. He insited that he wanted to be friends though and I said that I needed my space and that it seemed as if when we did spend time off together that it felt like it wasn't completely understood to be a purely friendship quality time. I also said that I'd rather that we spend time together in the context of a group of people instead of alone. He said he was surprised that I thought he wasn't giving me enough space because to him it didn't seem as if we spent that much time together. He did say, "But what do I know though." He apologized for that and gave me an unexpected quick stiff hug and apologized again since he realized that I didn't anticipate it. I may just have to tell him that I don't like that either. I'm not one that gives off the air of wanting that kind of contact even with most of my family members. I'm especially not used to contact like that from guys. I remember feeling completely embarassed and awkward when a young priest I knew asked if I would give him a hug since I was transfering which was in front of a bunch of parishioners. I just have hardly any significant guy friends so I'm not used to that. We'll see how this plays out.
[/quote]


1) Good for you

2) Take the hugs. I went through that too. For about... oh.. 7 years. I spent so much rejecting any sort of physical contact that by the time I got better and was ready and able to handle it, everyone was scared to give me hugs. So still no one does. And that makes me sad in ways that I can't really explain. But take the hugs. You think it'll be tough. And it might at first, but they are worth it. Because when you realize that you've pushed away all the people closest to you without knowing it or wanting to, it smells of elderberries.

[thessalonian]

The guy needs to learn two rejections and you move on. I had to. Been where he is. If he is romantically attracted to you and your not to him then friends won't work very well either. He will ALWAYS want and hope for more and it will prevent him from being open to others that he is a better match for.

[fides' Jack]

I was told once, years ago, that "I wouldn't date you with a ten foot pole!"

To be entirely honest, I appreciated that much more than the usual attempt at "no." I didn't find it uncharitable. She gave her reasons, and that was good enough for me. Some of my friends who I told took it much worse than I did (it sounds worse than it was at the time), but I was fine with it.

If he makes you feel awkward, then it can't work out, anyway. Either you or he isn't ready for that. Maybe both.


UPDATE: I just want to add that in that case, just because I was okay with hearing words that sound harsh when analyzed, it doesn't mean it was easy to let go. Once a guy makes up his mind and asks the question, he's already developed serious feelings. At least that's how I am.

And now I'm married! YAY!!

Edited December 3, 2010 by fides' Jack

[MithLuin]

[b]TT[/b], you might think you were being clear...but then you agreed to go see a movie with him. If it was just you and him, one-on-one, well...that's a very 'date-like' activity. I could see how he would conclude that you just need some time and space, but that you'll eventually warm up to him.

But you shouldn't date people out of pity. You shouldn't agree to go out because other people pressure you to. So, trying to firmly push him away and establish some boundaries is the way to go. You don't [i]have[/i] to give him a chance, and honestly, you probably aren't ready for a relationship right now. Certainly not an awkward one with Mr. Clingy!

Don't go on activities with just him. Stick to that. Hang out with him if there are other friends around and it is crystal clear that you have no glimmer of romantic interest in him. If he wants to talk about your relationship with him...be clear about your rejection.

Some people are hard to cut off, they really are. I had an ex who wouldn't believe we weren't getting back together...until I found a new boyfriend. At that point, it was pretty obvious, and then he finally started to move on. (The relationship had been over for a year, though.) Was I doing something to 'lead him on'? Quite possibly. He was very emotionally vulnerable after we broke up, so a clean cut was not an option. I was always very clear that there was no way we were ever getting back together. But it wasn't healthy for me to let him talk to me as much as I did, and once I [i]was[/i] a jerk*, he moved on and was happier (he's married now).


* I had a new boyfriend, as I said. My ex was 'just driving by' my college and wanted to visit me. I said he was welcome to stop by, but only for the afternoon - I had plans later on. Well, he stopped by, and stayed, and stayed, and stayed....and made it seem like he was going to fall asleep on my sofa. So, I got up and called my bf, right in front of him, and said, "I'm sorry my guest is still here, but I told you I'd spend this evening with you, so you're welcome to come over." He came over. I knew it wasn't smart to have them both in the same room...but I needed to make it clear to my ex that he didn't have priority in my life, and there was no way I was going to let his mind games interfere with my plans. Not surprisingly, he soon woke up enough to drive home. I didn't have any problems with his clinginess after that; he stopped asking me why we weren't getting back together.

The truth is kinder than 'pretending' or just going along with what he says. Learn to say no.

[EcceNovaFacioOmni]

The above is brilliant.

[Winchester]

Sock him a good one in the throat. It's the universal communicator of "I'm not interested in you. Nerd."

[Jaime]

[quote name='Hasan' timestamp='1291303739' post='2190360']
Tell him no. No means no. No you don't want to date him. No you don't want to be friends because you don't feel like this is possible because he's made it clear that he's not interested in friendship, he's interested in dating. No you don't want to explore his feelings. You wish him the best and you know that he's going to find an amazing girl someday who will return his feelings but that girl will not be you. You think he's a good person at heart and you would hate it if his clingy and obstinate behavior caused you to view him in a negative light. You hope that he'll be a man and respect your feelings and not try to force himself on you.

Something like that. Don't leave him room to misunderstand you. You have a duty to treat him with the respect and dignity due to any person. You don't have a duty to forge any sort of relationship with anyone you don't want to.
[/quote]
While I would more than likely disagree with everything Hassan would say, this Hasan guy is dead on accurate.

[quote name='MithLuin' timestamp='1291430254' post='2190862']
[b]TT[/b], you might think you were being clear...but then you agreed to go see a movie with him. If it was just you and him, one-on-one, well...that's a very 'date-like' activity. I could see how he would conclude that you just need some time and space, but that you'll eventually warm up to him.

But you shouldn't date people out of pity. You shouldn't agree to go out because other people pressure you to. So, trying to firmly push him away and establish some boundaries is the way to go. You don't [i]have[/i] to give him a chance, and honestly, you probably aren't ready for a relationship right now. Certainly not an awkward one with Mr. Clingy!

Don't go on activities with just him. Stick to that. Hang out with him if there are other friends around and it is crystal clear that you have no glimmer of romantic interest in him. If he wants to talk about your relationship with him...be clear about your rejection.

Some people are hard to cut off, they really are. I had an ex who wouldn't believe we weren't getting back together...until I found a new boyfriend. At that point, it was pretty obvious, and then he finally started to move on. (The relationship had been over for a year, though.) Was I doing something to 'lead him on'? Quite possibly. He was very emotionally vulnerable after we broke up, so a clean cut was not an option. I was always very clear that there was no way we were ever getting back together. But it wasn't healthy for me to let him talk to me as much as I did, and once I [i]was[/i] a jerk*, he moved on and was happier (he's married now).


* I had a new boyfriend, as I said. My ex was 'just driving by' my college and wanted to visit me. I said he was welcome to stop by, but only for the afternoon - I had plans later on. Well, he stopped by, and stayed, and stayed, and stayed....and made it seem like he was going to fall asleep on my sofa. So, I got up and called my bf, right in front of him, and said, "I'm sorry my guest is still here, but I told you I'd spend this evening with you, so you're welcome to come over." He came over. I knew it wasn't smart to have them both in the same room...but I needed to make it clear to my ex that he didn't have priority in my life, and there was no way I was going to let his mind games interfere with my plans. Not surprisingly, he soon woke up enough to drive home. I didn't have any problems with his clinginess after that; he stopped asking me why we weren't getting back together.

The truth is kinder than 'pretending' or just going along with what he says. Learn to say no.
[/quote]


Mith is really right here. (although without pity dates, my social life would be nothing)

Here's the deal. Men are stupid. We generally don't know when girls like us and we generally don't know when girls don't. We can be extraordinarily articulate at times then come across a girl that we really like and the best thing we can offer is "Girl pretty... me like girl!!" Oh and this is a general thin for all the single ladies (put your hands up) If you are traveling in the same circles with a guy who likes you, please don't avoid us. It doesn't help the situation and it can make it worse. If we aren't getting the clues, I promise you we won't pick them up with you around less. Generally we'll try to find more ways to inject ourselves in your life. So just go about your normal routine. if we are nice, be polite. If we ask you out then decline. If we are persistent you can roll up a newspaper and gently whack our noses.

[Winchester]

[quote name='jaime (the artist formerly known as hot stuff)' timestamp='1291495929' post='2190947']
SWEEP THE LEG!
[/quote]
SWEEP THE LEG!

[sidemunch88]

[quote name='pvtmiller' timestamp='1291330642' post='2190466']
Just stab him in the chest
[/quote]


[quote name='Winchester' timestamp='1291472655' post='2190920']
Sock him a good one in the throat. It's the universal communicator of "I'm not interested in you. Nerd."
[/quote]


[quote name='Winchester' timestamp='1291499266' post='2190950']
SWEEP THE LEG!
[/quote]

I agree with the above statments

[Ephrem Augustine]

it doesn't hurt a young man to be turned down or rejected
i think in order for a boy to become a man he needs to know the experience of rejection