Turning A Guy Down

[tinytherese]

There's this guy at my school who I know just isn't right for me. I know that I need to be honest with him and that he and I together just wouldn't be right. I honestly don't even want to be friends with him. Just being an aquaintance and fellow group member (he and I are in one of the school clubs and he is an officer of that club,) would be as far as I want to go with him.

I feel awkward hanging out with him instead of at ease and comfortable. I fell as if I spend time with him (though not in the context of a date,) just so that I don't hurt his feelings. I have a hard time being truly honest with him and even with looking at him in the face when I talk to him. I fell pressured to give him a chance (even by a gal pal of mine.) I told him that I wasn't attracted to him and he said that maybe if I got to know him better that I would, but I don't want to get to know him better. He asked if it was possible that I'd consider getting into a romantic relationship with him. I said it wasn't impossible, but I feel like Mary from Dumb and Dumber when she's asked by Floyd what his chances with her are and she tells him one in a million. He rejoices that he has a chance.

Was is it with men and not picking up on hints? That talk is code for possible but extremely unlikely so don't bother. One of my friends told me that I just really have to be honest with him. The problem is, I don't know how to do that without sounding just plain rude and uncharitable. I mean seriously, how do you tell someone that not only are you not interested in a romantic relationship with them but that you also don't even want to be friends with them?

I don't feel like I can act myself around him very much and I don't have peace after talking with him in private about the two of us. He's also really clingy. I don't like his persistence with me. I also have major issues in my life that need to be handled such as my anxiety about men after what I've been through with my dad who has been abusive to me in multiple ways. I told him that I have issues in my life that needed to be sorted out before I would feel comfortable getting romantically involved with anyone. I didn't tell him what any of those issues were and he thankfully didn't push that any further.

He keeps saying not to worry, that we'll just take it slow. We'll just spend time getting to know each other and go on dates without being an official couple. He invited me to see this one movie with him and I made the mistake of agreeing to it because I've just been programmed to be nice and he asked if it could be called a date. I said no, that it would just be a friendship activity.

How do you not be nice without being mean? I haven't had a problem with turning down guys before, then again that's because they've been mostly creepos and this guy is trying to be decent. I feel so silly about this. I'm 22 and discerned the religious life for so long that I don't know how to act in these situations. I am an odd late bloomer.

[Semper Catholic]

Give'em an inch and they'll take a mile. Only thing worse then being rejected by a girl is getting friend zoned by a girl.

[HopefulBride]

Let him know that you are discerning religious life at the moment and cannot discern marriage at this time; Let him know that you don't feel like you two would be a good match (be honest) because from my experience, when you turn guys down by saying you are discerning religious life they are not deterred because what they hear is "she didn't flat out say no" so you need to say no and let him know that it's not you, it's him (in a nice way of course) something like "I am discerning religious life right now however, I feel that even if I were discerning marriage you and I would not be a good match."

Good luck,
HB

[tinytherese]

[quote name='HopefulBride' timestamp='1291295381' post='2190340']
Let him know that you are discerning religious life at the moment and cannot discern marriage at this time; Let him know that you don't feel like you two would be a good match (be honest) because from my experience, when you turn guys down by saying you are discerning religious life they are not deterred because what they hear is "she didn't flat out say no" so you need to say no and let him know that it's not you, it's him (in a nice way of course) something like "I am discerning religious life right now however, I feel that even if I were discerning marriage you and I would not be a good match."

Good luck,
HB
[/quote]

I used to be discerning the religious life but no longer am.

[rachael]

[quote name='Semper Catholic' timestamp='1291286670' post='2190328']
Give'em an inch and they'll take a mile. Only thing worse then being rejected by a girl is getting friend zoned by a girl.
[/quote]
But what if you really enjoy their friendship?

Anyways...just be honest. Tell him where you are and what you want.

Edited December 2, 2010 by rachael

[4588686]

Tell him no. No means no. No you don't want to date him. No you don't want to be friends because you don't feel like this is possible because he's made it clear that he's not interested in friendship, he's interested in dating. No you don't want to explore his feelings. You wish him the best and you know that he's going to find an amazing girl someday who will return his feelings but that girl will not be you. You think he's a good person at heart and you would hate it if his clingy and obstinate behavior caused you to view him in a negative light. You hope that he'll be a man and respect your feelings and not try to force himself on you.

Something like that. Don't leave him room to misunderstand you. You have a duty to treat him with the respect and dignity due to any person. You don't have a duty to forge any sort of relationship with anyone you don't want to.

[rkwright]

[quote name='Semper Catholic' timestamp='1291286670' post='2190328']
Give'em an inch and they'll take a mile. Only thing worse then being rejected by a girl is getting friend zoned by a girl.
[/quote]

This.

Just say, "hey, we're friends right? Because I just want to be friends" - Most guys get the hint on this...

If he says "give me a chance, get to know me, blah blah"

You say - "Look I just don't have those feelings for you sorry - its not something I can force"

Thats pretty direct but not too uncharitable.

Also - don't give mixed signals! Don't try to schedule hang outs, ect. After you tell him this, he may ignore you for a while (hes frustrated/mad) Don't go to him and be like hey hows it going - its odd to say I don't like you, but now I want info on your life.

Edit: I think Hassan is saying some good stuff - but I wouldn't drop all that on him right off. But if hes persistant or an idiot, or both, try being really direct like hassan posted.

Edited December 2, 2010 by rkwright

[EcceNovaFacioOmni]

Tell him you aren't interested and that you think it's best you both take space away from each other, at least for the time being. Being one myself, I know how the male mind works in these situations, and this is the only way to make a clear distinction between the unhealthy relationship you have and any future friendship you might build in the future. If that time comes, you'll be in a better position to avoid spending one-on-one time if that makes you uncomfortable.

[Sternhauser]

You[i] should [/i]feel badly. Couldn't you have at least led him on a bit, raised his hopes, [i]then[/i] crushed his heart?

~Sternhauser

[HopefulBride]

[quote name='Sternhauser' timestamp='1291317418' post='2190426']
You[i] should [/i]feel badly. Couldn't you have at least led him on a bit, raised his hopes, [i]then[/i] crushed his heart?

~Sternhauser
[/quote]

This

[Socrates]

Tiny, you need to be straight-out and honest with him.

Most girls/women don't get that it's more cruel to lead a guy on, then let him down, than it is to just tell him the truth straight out.

[EcceNovaFacioOmni]

Yes, the truth is refreshing, and lets you move on without doubts. It's the [b]only[/b] way to peace for both of you!

[Brother Adam]

[quote name='Hasan' timestamp='1291303739' post='2190360']
Tell him no. No means no. No you don't want to date him. No you don't want to be friends because you don't feel like this is possible because he's made it clear that he's not interested in friendship, he's interested in dating. No you don't want to explore his feelings. You wish him the best and you know that he's going to find an amazing girl someday who will return his feelings but that girl will not be you. You think he's a good person at heart and you would hate it if his clingy and obstinate behavior caused you to view him in a negative light. You hope that he'll be a man and respect your feelings and not try to force himself on you.

Something like that. Don't leave him room to misunderstand you. You have a duty to treat him with the respect and dignity due to any person. You don't have a duty to forge any sort of relationship with anyone you don't want to.
[/quote]

I know I say this at the risk of the universe imploding, but I agree with Hassan.

[sidemunch88]

Just stab him in the chest

[CatherineM]

When I had a boyfriend who didn't like being told no, I chased him with a softball bat. After I stupidly got back together with him, the next time it required a right uppercut.